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need advice on fuck buddies

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soconfused2012

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 26, 2012
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I am 36 years old, and recently went through my second divorce. I was deeply in love with both men, but neither knew what the idea of marriage means. They both were cheaters. I personally do not, never have cheated and I dont lie. I am about as honest as you find in a relationship....but that leads me to today.

I have found myself with 2 fuck buddies. After being hurt for so long, by every man in my life....I truly don't know if ever want a relationship again. Because i always give myself to them 110% the heartache when it doesn't work is too bad. So now I have found myself with 2 fuck buddies! One is 25 and single, the other 37 and married. Both extremely sweet guys! I thought fuck buddies was the way to go because I don't have to have a relationship, I get what I want and that's that...but now, they stay and talk, we exchange life stories, talk about our kids etc. T

I don't know if I am doing the right thing for me. I have no problem being single. I enjoy my time with my children but the opportunity presented itself in both situations and I leapt at the chance. Just when I think the fuck buddy situation is the way to go...I find myself thinking about either of them, and wishing they were here with me. I can text either of them at anytime and they are available to talk etc, but that isn't the true idea of fuck buddies now is it? I don't want to see any of us hurt.
 
Fuck buddies are great until one person develops "real" feelings for the other party. Then everything tends to get fucked up.

In my experience one of the parties will virtually always develop deeper feelings.
 
One person always winds up having feelings. It's really a natural effect when you're having sex with someone and enjoy their company.

My suggestion at least on how I would do it is never see the fuck buddy too often. Like see one the first weekend and the other the next. This way you're not hanging out with them too often.
 
Thanks for the advice! I do not know if I have what it takes to be fuck buddies. Both of these guys I have known for years but truthfully one is pretty young and the other is married. And I think all the talking I do with them has already crossed that line. I have the married guy calling in the morning as soon as wifey is off to work and the other always wants to come around when he knows I'm having a tough day, and "wants to make me feel better". Too much caring already involved because Ihave known them for so long.
 
So being the other woman isn't setting well with you. Yeah that's kind of a tough situation, since the men in your life cheated. Don't be too hard on yourself, accidents can happen, but moving back from the situation may be in order.

The single guy, is he single single, or just not married?

There are many good men out there, and i'm sure there's one waiting for you. Not all men cheat you know.
 
Fuck buddies do generally develop feelings over time. It's just going to happen when there's long term physical intimacy. I don't think that has to mean a relationship should form though. Our society really preaches loving with attachment, i.e. if you love someone you absolutely must be with them. I've had the same fuck buddy for 3 years and our friendship is status quo. We do care a lot about each other. How can you not when you share your bodies and energies? But it's not an attached love. Just because someone shows you heart energy or you show it to them, does not mean you suddenly have to be a couple.

OP, you exhibit a couple of warning signs. One is that you say you prefer a fuck buddy because you normally give 110% in relationships and you're tired of it. If it's your nature to give a lot to your partners then repressing that is not healthy. You will either start doing it in ways you're not aware of, or eventually you will just feel frustrated because you already defined your relationship with your fuck buddy and won't be able to go further without awkwardness. My advice would be to do some work on how you frame giving and receiving. People who are afraid to give are usually people who don't believe they can't receive, for whatever reason (feeling unworthy, etc.).

You might be blaming past partners for not giving you anything back but maybe you had unrealistic expectations, or maybe you tried to hold onto the relationship by constantly giving in the hope that they wouldn't leave you when really the relationship had a problem of a different nature. Whatever the reason, you should probably reflect on how you give, what your expectations of receiving are, and if those are realistic - because I'm telling you here and now, regardless if it's a fuck buddy or more, you are still going to be confronted with that same problem in the future as you will attract the same challenges until you figure it out.

The other thing is that you're fucking a married man. That is a whole other can of worms.
 
When I said I give 110%, I meant that once I fall in love, They have 110% of my heart...if I say I love someone I truly do. It doesn't mean that I went out of my way to "give" materialistic things to keep them around. I did all that I should as a wife and partner. Also, a few years before my first divorce at 28 yo I caught my father having an affair. So unfortunately @Foreigner, you are partly right. I do not believe there are many men out there who are giving relationships their all. That's what I mean by "giving" 110%...ie treating the other with respect, being faithful, supportive, and genuinely LOVING someone unconditionally.
 
Yeah, from what I've seen it's very rare for fuck buddies to manage to keep the emotions out of it...I'd also suggest maybe trying to see them less, go to other people when you want/need to talk, etc. Just do everything to keep it purely physical with them.
 
The first thing I'd say is ... drop the married guy. Get away from him. He's married! You know how much it hurts to be cheated on ... don't be part of the cause of that for another woman. You don't want to be the reason that someone is just as hurt as you are. You don't want to be the reason that woman never believes in love.

As for the fuck buddy who is single ... make sure it just stays sex. Don't start talking. Don't stay over, have breakfast together, etc. Don't go on dates. That kind of thing will avoid having feelings for him.
 
if you dont like being cheated on then don't be part of the cheating

i know what you mean- you want more than just sex. its not easy at this stage but i can say that fwb is a thing for me that never lasts because at some point someone gets bored/starts to get feelings. its nature
 
you are so right! this is partly why i have been so confused!

llama112 said:
The first thing I'd say is ... drop the married guy. Get away from him. He's married! You know how much it hurts to be cheated on ... don't be part of the cause of that for another woman. You don't want to be the reason that someone is just as hurt as you are. You don't want to be the reason that woman never believes in love.

As for the fuck buddy who is single ... make sure it just stays sex. Don't start talking. Don't stay over, have breakfast together, etc. Don't go on dates. That kind of thing will avoid having feelings for him.
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Absolutely! The married guy says how he loves his wife.....but yet he says he never gets to have sex etc. I'm so about fixing a marriage. And Ihave said that to him but he said he is okay with what we are doing. I guess the real problem is that I am not okay with it.

The single guy....the only problem with him is that he is so young. Idk if he's capable of FWB. Like I said I have known them both for a long time and he always tends to fall for the girls he is with. I may have got myself into a bigger mess than my marriage. Ugh!
 
May I ask how they measure up in the size department in comparison to each other, and your two previous husbands? Also, how do you enjoy the sex? Please don't feel pressured to answer these if they are too personal.

I would stick with the young hunk and ditch the married one personally.
 
KoreyS - whats with the obsession with size? does it even matter;) i actually lol'd that you asked that

i do agree that the married guy is not a good option and the young guy who is single is a much better idea, purely on the basis of emotional availability
 
pofacedhoe said:
KoreyS - whats with the obsession with size? does it even matter;) i actually lol'd that you asked that

i do agree that the married guy is not a good option and the young guy who is single is a much better idea, purely on the basis of emotional availability
Click to expand...

I was just curious if one had quite a bit of size on the other or was better in bed, then that could be the determining factor on who she chooses to stick with.
 
after the penis size thread it just seems like you are obsessed with size. this makes me lol

its not all about that. though sometimes it is. shallow
 
There's a very strange consistency of all the men in your life being destructive cheaters, yet you willingly side with a married man when it springs to your benefit. It makes me play with the idea that perhaps you rationalize your own unfaithfulness as "Fair" as many people do. Therefore it's not hard for people to state "I've never cheated on anyone" as a true statement.

I'm all against cheating. Men should never cheat. Women should never cheat.
 
Extricate yourself from both of them, literally and figuratively. Some pain now is worth it if you avoid a great deal of (double-barreled) pain later. Start from scratch with someone new, tell them that part of the package deal is that as soon as they blow they need to GTFO, and try not to perpetuate the old mistakes. If that sounds chilly, that's only because--IMO--a FB relationship is best served cold, exceptions notwithstanding. Warm people should avoid them like lice.
 
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