MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[India111]

"I could make a long story but the most scary symptom that I still have is that I cannot connect to my image on the mirror.
If I look to the mirror, I can connect with one side of my face then with the other side, first one eye then the other eye but I cannot look at my whole face like a unit. I really thing that my eyes have changed, sometimes I have one pupil bigger than the other one and my eyes are empty when I look at them on the mirror. Can you relate to this?"

OH MY GOD YES FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE WHO HAS THIS

does anyone else have this? I have a feeling it's a symptom of depersonalisation and I hate it. I've had this problem since I had DP and it drives me nuts

 

[India111]

I could make a long story but the most scary symptom that I still have is that I cannot connect to my image on the mirror.
If I look to the mirror, I can connect with one side of my face then with the other side, first one eye then the other eye but I cannot look at my whole face like a unit. I really thing that my eyes have changed, sometimes I have one pupil bigger than the other one and my eyes are empty when I look at them on the mirror. Can you relate to this?

I can. Does anyone else have this? is it part of dr/dp or something else entirely? I always thought it was my perception of DP because I've had it since I got DP. I also used to get it when I was actually on MDMA, I remember because if I tried to check whether my pupils were still big I could only look at one at the same time. It just never used to bother me because the next day it would be gone

 

[Macenroe]

India do you also suffer social anxiety, depression, difficultys concentrating, keeping a conversation and a spaced out feeling?

How long have you been recovering and what are your symptoms?

With my eyes I even think that this experienced left me a squint or crossed eye, I don't connect on my eyes on the mirror.
It gets better at night. What about you? Do you improve at night just to fall back on your symptoms next morning?

 

[coderbrah]

I havent had this issue specifically but my dpdr I definitely had trouble vieweing things. As if something inside me was processing what I was looking at (and you could ask me questions about it and I would be able to answer) but I wasnt really "looking at it" very weird to describe but I could never really control my vision.

 

[JWills20]

Good advice. Merging into our recovery success thread.

 

[JWills20]

Merged.

 

[Deltronpedro]

I was never able to focus both eyes in mirror at one time? Not just in mirror, same thing if I view other persons? I think thats quite normal

 

[coderbrah]

Learn to ignore your symptoms and go about your daily life. It's psychological, you had an initial bad comedown (can last 5-7 days) from serotonin depletion and you began to think it was going to last forever which is why you are still going through it. You convinced yourself into a panic state that has basically left you with PTSD...

I don't know if I had missed this post or if this is from the "merge" I see in a few posts above but this stuff REALLY angers me to no end. Please do not assume that everyone reacts to a drug the same way and please don't compare your run of the mill comedown with what most of us in this thread experience. Also don't automatically assume that everyone experiences their symptoms in the same intensity. That is just really ignorant. Just because you can't fathom what has happened does not mean it doesn't have to be true. To just say "learn to ignore" your symptoms is about as bad advice as saying "just snap out of it" to someone dealing with depression.

Seriously I'm not trying to start an elite club here, but unless you have gone through something like this yourself and want to share (or are looking for help/wanting to help) please don't post here with an armchair analysis and random advice just because you're browsing through threads. For some of us (myself included) this thread is probably the only hope we have and the reason we haven't become suicidal yet and to downplay such an intense state only makes us feel more hopeless and detached.

 

[severely etarded]

Learn to ignore your symptoms and go about your daily life. It's psychological, you had an initial bad comedown (can last 5-7 days) from serotonin depletion and you began to think it was going to last forever which is why you are still going through it. You convinced yourself into a panic state that has basically left you with PTSD...

The words of wisdom.. the thing is most of these people experiencing 'longterm comedowns' from what I can see had underlying mental illness(es) already, like anxiety or OCD, that they only started noticing after a roll.

Some people here remember 'FirstBadComedown' who would write multiple pages of paragraphs of rambling about how serotonin is in the gut and he got serotonin syndrom after ingesting dyphenhydramine (benadryl) 48 hours after a roll and convinced himself the reason his intestines were fucked was due to serotonin syndrome, caused by MDMA, yet also mentioned something about an enema he self-administered while rolling... no but the self-administered medical procedure he induced in his rear end while high had nothing to do with the intestinal problems he had that nobody else had

Finally he saw a doctor and was diagnosed with OCD, and finally admitted that was the route of his over-analyzation of his symptoms. He finally realized all along he was mentally ill

 

[severely etarded]

I don't know if I had missed this post or if this is from the "merge" I see in a few posts above but this stuff REALLY angers me to no end. Please do not assume that everyone reacts to a drug the same way and please don't compare your run of the mill comedown with what most of us in this thread experience. Also don't automatically assume that everyone experiences their symptoms in the same intensity. That is just really ignorant. Just because you can't fathom what has happened does not mean it doesn't have to be true. To just say "learn to ignore" your symptoms is about as bad advice as saying "just snap out of it" to someone dealing with depression.

Seriously I'm not trying to start an elite club here, but unless you have gone through something like this yourself and want to share (or are looking for help/wanting to help) please don't post here with an armchair analysis and random advice just because you're browsing through threads. For some of us (myself included) this thread is probably the only hope we have and the reason we haven't become suicidal yet and to downplay such an intense state only makes us feel more hopeless and detached.

I think if you are hopeless and detached more than a month after a light use of MDMA you should see a shrink. Chances are there's an underlying mental health problem causing it

 

[coderbrah]

Way to actually read the thread before posting.

I forgot who the other one was that was feeling crippling fatigue but I just want to let you know that yesterday I was able to do a 30 minute run! Which is amazing considering 2-3 months ago I couldn't even walk to the store.

Whilest running I didn't particularly feel good though. Was really weird but atleast I got the 5km

 

[ro4eva]

No I don't use recreational drugs ro4eva. I think I found out what my problem is: Stress induced hives. See this site http://www.hives.org/stress-hives.php. Sucks but usually isn't chronic. Still another thing to be anxious about because it might be chronic. Never stops does it.

I'm sincerely sorry my anonymous friend.

You are correct that "if it isn't 'this' issue, it's 'that' one, and afterwards another one." It really sucks - I feel for you.

I had some serious problems with hives several years ago.

I went from thinking that I had some strange disease, to having an STD, to being delirious.

In the end, I found out that it was actually due to allergic reactions to penicillin, clindamycin, and a few other prescription meds.

The reason why it took me and my doctor so long to figure this out was because I had been taking these medications for a long time without any problems. And then one day things changed.

Rphilli72 i will be starting on antidepressants, however I'm holding back until after my graduation in a couple of weeks time in case i have any side effects. I dunno about benzos, I'm worried about becoming really dependant on them, and the last thing i need right now is a benzo addiction! Also i thought they were only for emergencies (ie when you're having a panic attack) and because I'm Dr/dp'd i don't get panic attacks or even anxiety anymore (i don't get anything else either really, besides depression). As a result i don't know if a benzo would help the symptoms of someone suffering from derealization, and I'm terrified of taking anything that could make it worse

Hey India111, just wanted to let you know something regarding benzos:

There are countless people around the world who have been using benzodiazepines as long term medications, including myself.

I'm close to 9 years on Xanax (Alprazolam). It's weird because I haven't had to increase my dosage more than once in all that time. I started with 0.25mg TID (three times a day) back around late 2005/early 2006 (forget exactly when), and in mid 2010, I had my dosage increased to 0.5mg TID on the advice of my doctor, and not because I asked him - honestly.

Anyways, I haven't misused my medication, and it has been a lifesaver in many situations where I was experiencing severe anxiety about to manifest itself into a full-blown, massive panic attack.

What's even more odd is that after all this time, it appears that I have not developed a tolerance to the therapeutic effects of the Xanax. I know that's difficult to believe, but it's the truth. In fact, since switching to 0.5mg TID, I now find myself with a lot of unused Xanax, which I'm thinking of destroying.

What's my point in telling you all this?

Well, if you're experiencing serious issues with anxiety/panic, then there's no shame in resorting to a benzo for treatment. More importantly, you may turn out like me, in that you'll find that the therapeutic effect is lasting a lot longer than you expected.

If I stop taking my Xanax cold turkey, I will definitely suffer from severe withdrawal symptoms, as I did a few years ago. Therefore, I know my body is physically dependent on the stuff, but I never crave it. To be honest, I've never found it to be fun, but like I said previously, it has been a lifesaver in countless situations over the past few years.

Do you believe that the benefits will outweigh the risks (in relation to using a benzo)? If you do, then perhaps you should give it a try if your doctor is willing to prescribe you some.

Some people genuinely need a benzo to function, which is why the benzodiazepine family of drugs is on the list of the World Health Organization's Essential Medicines.

Whatever your decision will be, I wish you the very best buddy.

Take care and have a good one

 

[Nambo]

Yes both

 

[ro4eva]

Hi team!

Almost a year ago I went to a party, snorted 3 lines of what they told me it was amphetamines, felt good, had fun, went to bed and I woke up in hell.

For the first 4 months, I couldn't work, I had to stay at home with terrible symptoms, went to the shrine and got prescribed escitalopram (SSRI) and Klonopin which after 8 months I stopped taking because nothing was changing for good or bad.

My symptoms:

First thing I have to say it's that they fluctuate a lot, even on the same day, I could wake up in a horrible state, go to work and then somehow suddenly I feel better. I have to say that almost everyday, by the end of the day, night time, I always improve a lot and almost feel good but then I woke up next morning in the same shitty state. Anybody relates to that?

Hi Macenroe

Absolutely. Mornings were the worst for me. As time went on during the day, my symptoms would decrease in severity, but not nearly enough that I would consider it to be significant. But there were a few occasions where - after working really hard - I felt quite good. And I'm thinking it may have had to do with my brain releasing endorphins into my muscles and CNS.

The next day, it would start all over again. I know the feeling, and it sucks.

Anxiety: Not all the times but sometimes, it fluctuates a lot, when it's bad I feel bad surrounded by people, social anxiety.

Depression: Just sad for being like that, no energy, no motivation, just want to hide from people.

headaches, dizzines, almost like vertigo's, I have seen my vision moving up and down or side to side 3 times in one year.

Difficultys concentrating, loss of cognition, hard to maintain a conversation, feeling spaced out.

derealization: feeling like if I am in a dream, like if something is off.

Almost everything that you wrote here, I have also had to deal with. The only exception would be the "vision moving up and down or side to side" symptom.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know you're suffering, and I'm sincerely sorry to hear it.

I could make a long story but the most scary symptom that I still have is that I cannot connect to my image on the mirror.
If I look to the mirror, I can connect with one side of my face then with the other side, first one eye then the other eye but I cannot look at my whole face like a unit. I really thing that my eyes have changed, sometimes I have one pupil bigger than the other one and my eyes are empty when I look at them on the mirror. Can you relate to this?

Do you mean to say that when you look at yourself in the mirror, your eyes are only able to focus on one eye at a time? If so, I can relate because I still experience that on occasion, but then again, I was experiencing it way before I got sick with my LTC, so it's not related in my case.

The reason why I don't lose hope after one year is because out of the blue I had 3 windows of time where I felt good, almost zero symptoms, so that makes me think if I managed to feel good for 3 different periods of time then what I have is not brain damage even if it feels something very physiological and not just psychological.

In december I flew home and felt good for a full week, when I flew back to where i live, I felt back on my symptoms.

In june I flew with my friends to Italy for holidays and again my symptoms disappeared for a full week except the weird look of my eyes, almost like if the drug made me squint or being crosse eye. If I ask my wife about my eyes, she doesn't see the difference, but I cannot connect with both sides of my face on the mirror.

In july again I flew to my country for holidays for 3 weeks, felt bad for 2 weeks and then I felt good for the last week.

So, when I am in a working mode I don't have those long windows of enlightment, it's only when I flew away for holidays when I managed to improve my condition for a full week with very minimum symptoms.

Any of you guys with longterm comedowns, specially those of you that have healed, can relate to those experiences?
Living in hell but then coming out of it for a full week just to fall back to it afterwards?

It's very frustrating but it gives me hope that one day I can stay grounded to that state of mind. If I managed to feel like this on 3 different occasions why I can't live like this the rest of my life.

I wonder if something from you live is causing your symptoms to increase in severity? Could it be that there's something which is not present at your home, and it's exacerbating matters?

Have you checked Radon levels lately? Noticed any fungus inside your place of residence?

Can you tolerate gluten? Someone else mentioned that (s)he thought it was a LTC in his/her case, but it was actually Celiac Disease.

So 3 big concerns, please help.

1: Almost every night I feel good, cognition comes back, I am happy, I feel like I can beat this thing and then wake up fucked up again, it's a never ending loop.

Yeah it's a pretty vicious circle - I know what you mean.

2: In a full year I had 3 different brackets of time where I felt recovered, around 80 to 90%, always when on the road for holidays, when I fly back home, my symptoms return. Can you relate to that?

I don't know about others on here, but this sort of suggests to me that there is something at your residence that's making matter worse, but I don't know what it is. And could it be more than one thing?

3: One symptom that has never cleared even during those brackets it's the fact that I cannot connect to both sides of my face on the mirror at the same time, my eyes are empty, sometimes one pupil is bigger than the other. It's this derealization and depersonalization?
Can you relate, can you help? Have you been there and have you recovered from this symptom. When I look to the mirror I feel like I am squint or crossed eyed but if I ask my wife she don't see that, so it might be my mind playing tricks on me.

Thank you for your help.

Hmm....

It may be dp/dr.

Regarding the pupil size difference - I'm pretty sure that it's normal for one pupil to be slightly larger than the other. The problem is when one pupil is extremely dilated, and the other is constricted - this may be due to a brain tumor, or simply because you were administered an eye drop by a doctor in order to purposely dilate the pupil.

I'm sorry if you already stated that you did, but I'd seek medical attention a.s.a.p. And ask if you can be referred to a neurologist if possible in order to rule out any brain-related issues. And if that comes back negative, then you can go from there to a psychiatrist perhaps? That's the route I went, and I recovered after 19 months.

I wish you the best of luck. I know this is a terrible thing to have to live with. I feel your pain.

Don't give up, there's a way out of this, I give you my word.

 

[thejibberman]

The words of wisdom.. the thing is most of these people experiencing 'longterm comedowns' from what I can see had underlying mental illness(es) already, like anxiety or OCD, that they only started noticing after a roll.

Some people here remember 'FirstBadComedown' who would write multiple pages of paragraphs of rambling about how serotonin is in the gut and he got serotonin syndrom after ingesting dyphenhydramine (benadryl) 48 hours after a roll and convinced himself the reason his intestines were fucked was due to serotonin syndrome, caused by MDMA, yet also mentioned something about an enema he self-administered while rolling... no but the self-administered medical procedure he induced in his rear end while high had nothing to do with the intestinal problems he had that nobody else had

Finally he saw a doctor and was diagnosed with OCD, and finally admitted that was the route of his over-analyzation of his symptoms. He finally realized all along he was mentally ill

All I'm saying is thank god for this post.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

What scares me is that this safe haven of a thread seem to have been invaded by users of just breathtaking ignorance. Please just ignore posts as ridiculous as especially one on this page.

I think what happens is that when the main page is full of other comedown threads, the mods get scared of how the forum looks to the general public. Try to keep shit about LTC's in dedicated threads, then we don't have to suffer these intellectually challenged users.

 

[thejibberman]

What? A LTC is as real as the air I'm breathing. You can't just wish it away. Sure, there are healthier ways of dealing with it and trying to forget about it as much as possible is one.

What I meant is that an 'LTC' isn't a medical diagnosis, if anything it's just an anxiety mixed with a form of PTSD and OCD. I know you can't wish it away, I'm still affected by it 6 months later, but it's practically gone now that I'm accepting of it and generally not caring anymore.

 

[Deltronpedro]

Anyone of you can focus both eyes at one time in the mirror? I never was able to do that . Since i can remember not just since the LTC started

 

[BlueBull]

I'm going to merge this into the abuse recovery success thread, that way all information about LTC's will be grouped and easy to find for people that need this information

*edit* Merged

 

[India111]

It's all anxiety…. check out the book "at last a life." I am going through the same exact thing, as are millions of other people. Anxiety can be brought on in so many different ways and for us, it's the drugs that put us in a vunerable spot and now you're stuck in a cycle of anxiety, stuck inside your own head and its time to get out. Trust me! The more you try to fight it and figure out whats wrong, the worse you will feel…

Can you put a link up for the PDF? Everywhere I look says you have to pay, and I'd love to give it a read!