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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 5)

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4,5 months update - since I stopped excercising, because I found out that this make me feel worse, my LTC seems to be more stable - less terrible days, just steady state of feeling shitty. I'm getting more used to this state, and less motivated to fight it. My life looks more and more like vegetation than actual life. At the moment it's very hard for me to belive that I could feel entirely normal some day. Maybe physical sensations get slightly better, but I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure I'm getting more depressed.
 
Do you mean that exercising made you feel worse in the short term? As an example, if one is deconditioned, its very common for people to feel worse the next day after cardio. This is similar to a muscle being sore after working it out - but the short term soreness comes with long term growth

CY
 
No, it's not my case, before all that I used to go to gym 3-4 times a week, also used to go to dance lessons, so I was quite athletic and I had good condition. And I felt better after gym session. Now it makes me nauseous and feel overall worse. Last time when I was on dance lessons it made me feel terrible for 2-3 days so I decided to quit.
 
Guys, do you think it's possible for someone's intelligence drop after MDMA? All my symptoms are gone, but I have that feeling or obsession that I'm not as sharp as I used to? Anyone can relate?
 
8+ months and it's not looking good for me. I haven't felt very motivated to post anymore but here's a little rant for whoever cares.

Some symptoms have eased/stabilized but others are the same and I'm still severely sick. I'm housebound and practically bedridden and it's hard to have hope when I haven't read a single recovery story from a state like this. My symptoms are mainly physical not the usual anx/dep/dpdr.

After falling into a sort of funk for a few months I tried to start jogging again on the 5th of Jan. A few hours after that I had what seems like a migraine aura without the pain. It started with a blurry blind spot in the center of my vision which then spread into a colorful zigzag line. I've never experienced this before so I started to panic a bit as it kept growing. After about 5 minutes it looked like there were lights and flickering all over my vision and a huge blind spot on the right side. It calmed down after about 30-ish minutes but my vision stayed wonky for the rest of the night. I mean my vision has been weird during this whole 8 months (visual snow etc) but even more so now.

It's now almost a week later and I still haven't returned to baseline. Today is the first day I feel alive enough to write a post. The last few days I had extreme fatigue. I pretty much slept through the days (and nights). It felt like I'd had a concussion. My speech was slurred and I couldn't think or concetrate at all. Heavy pressure behind eyes. I've had moments and days like that before during this but not for so long. I still can't stay on the computer for long as I feel like my eyes or head is going to 'tilt' for lack of a better description. I need to close my eyes constantly. My eyes feel strained and there's this weird pulling sensation behind the eyes/in the temples.

The involuntary eye movements have calmed down somewhat in the past months but I still can't look at one spot without my eyes moving. My eyes look horrible as they're full of red veins. I'm seeing an eye doc on monday. Not really expecting much from that, much like the previous visit to the neuro. It's still very hard for me to go out in public because of the sensitivity to stimulation. I like to go on walks in the evening but other than that it's hellish to leave the house. I get very shaky and weak if there's too much going on. And it takes a while to calm down if my nerves get rattled.

I don't think this is an eye problem but MAYBE there's the off chance this might lead to something more than "oh it's all psychosomatic". I mean clearly and visibly my eyes are not healthy at all.

I've had many eye symptoms from the beginning. Usually closing my eyes helps when the confusion, dizziness, pressure behind eyes and nausea is bad. When I do that I tend to feel this tingling electricity behind my eyes/ in the back of my neck and spine all the way down to the tailbone. There's a sort of buzzing barberchair sensation which periodically peaks and causes my neck and shoulders to spasm. It's not painful it's actually sort of a "nice" feeling and eases the dizziness/pressure/nausea. High pitched sounds or someone touching me or pretty much anything else "stimulating" will cause a spasm also. After I've twitched like this for a while (maybe 30min-an hour) I generally tend to feel a bit better. It's like releasing this inner agitation.
I do this pretty much every single day multiple times.

I'm sharing this so if I ever write a recovery story it will be one damn miracle. As of now I'm not sure I believe in that. I'm sad and sick and lonely and booored. I catch myself fantasizing about death a lot.
 
howlowhowlstheowl said:
8+ months and it's not looking good for me. I haven't felt very motivated to post anymore but here's a little rant for whoever cares.

Some symptoms have eased/stabilized but others are the same and I'm still severely sick. I'm housebound and practically bedridden and it's hard to have hope when I haven't read a single recovery story from a state like this. My symptoms are mainly physical not the usual anx/dep/dpdr.

After falling into a sort of funk for a few months I tried to start jogging again on the 5th of Jan. A few hours after that I had what seems like a migraine aura without the pain. It started with a blurry blind spot in the center of my vision which then spread into a colorful zigzag line. I've never experienced this before so I started to panic a bit as it kept growing. After about 5 minutes it looked like there were lights and flickering all over my vision and a huge blind spot on the right side. It calmed down after about 30-ish minutes but my vision stayed wonky for the rest of the night. I mean my vision has been weird during this whole 8 months (visual snow etc) but even more so now.

It's now almost a week later and I still haven't returned to baseline. Today is the first day I feel alive enough to write a post. The last few days I had extreme fatigue. I pretty much slept through the days (and nights). It felt like I'd had a concussion. My speech was slurred and I couldn't think or concetrate at all. Heavy pressure behind eyes. I've had moments and days like that before during this but not for so long. I still can't stay on the computer for long as I feel like my eyes or head is going to 'tilt' for lack of a better description. I need to close my eyes constantly. My eyes feel strained and there's this weird pulling sensation behind the eyes/in the temples.

The involuntary eye movements have calmed down somewhat in the past months but I still can't look at one spot without my eyes moving. My eyes look horrible as they're full of red veins. I'm seeing an eye doc on monday. Not really expecting much from that, much like the previous visit to the neuro. It's still very hard for me to go out in public because of the sensitivity to stimulation. I like to go on walks in the evening but other than that it's hellish to leave the house. I get very shaky and weak if there's too much going on. And it takes a while to calm down if my nerves get rattled.

I don't think this is an eye problem but MAYBE there's the off chance this might lead to something more than "oh it's all psychosomatic". I mean clearly and visibly my eyes are not healthy at all.

I've had many eye symptoms from the beginning. Usually closing my eyes helps when the confusion, dizziness, pressure behind eyes and nausea is bad. When I do that I tend to feel this tingling electricity behind my eyes/ in the back of my neck and spine all the way down to the tailbone. There's a sort of buzzing barberchair sensation which periodically peaks and causes my neck and shoulders to spasm. It's not painful it's actually sort of a "nice" feeling and eases the dizziness/pressure/nausea. High pitched sounds or someone touching me or pretty much anything else "stimulating" will cause a spasm also. After I've twitched like this for a while (maybe 30min-an hour) I generally tend to feel a bit better. It's like releasing this inner agitation.
I do this pretty much every single day multiple times.

I'm sharing this so if I ever write a recovery story it will be one damn miracle. As of now I'm not sure I believe in that. I'm sad and sick and lonely and booored. I catch myself fantasizing about death a lot.
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Have you tried meditation and taking slow walks outside?

You should take some time to read about kundalini awakening. Sometimes, MDMA will start some process on some people.
 
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howlowhowlstheowl said:
A few hours after that I had what seems like a migraine aura without the pain. It started with a blurry blind spot in the center of my vision which then spread into a colorful zigzag line
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Have you been to a migraine specialist yet? Some neurologists are knowledgeable about migraines and its worth it to try to find one.

The pathology of migraines seems to involve vasoconstriction of the arteries that supply the brain, and this can result in various symptoms that you report. Medications to treat "vasospasm" such as calcium channel blockers (e.g. Verapamil) can treat this type of condition.

A common cause of eye pain is due to constriction of the arteries that supply the muscles (and I suppose nerves) of the eyes. This is common in migraine patients and it seems migraine visual symptoms and some "physical" eye problems overlap for issues related to this vasoconstriction problem.

An opthamologist once told me that rather than HPPD I likely had "acephalgic migraine" AKA ocular migraine, which he said is typically due to an artery spasming in the back of the head.

There is a (Swedish?) author who wrote about a Vascular Dysregulation Syndrome/Flammer Syndrome which mainly concerned various eye conditions, but also things like overly sensitive vasoconstrictive response to stress, which you seem to describe as well and I think other people experience. That author liked to treat that syndrome with calcium channel blockers as well.

For what its worth, I've had a couple concussions and my visuals were reminiscent of those I experienced while I've had a concussion, and part of the cause of the visual disturbances with head injury seems to be due to vasoconstriction
 
anyone have insight on how much drinking affects the recovery process? Like I know it slows it down but could it make the situation worse?
 
After almost 4 years im still not recovered unfortunately. I still have social anxiety, weird thoughts, and just feeling different than most other people of my age. This shit causes some serious brain damage. On the other side, i havent been trying much to recover myself. But yeah this is just my story. I wish the best of strength to everyone. I have wasted so much time just sitting behind my PC. One thing is for sure, doing nothing will definetly not make it better.
 
Brahhhh said:
After almost 4 years im still not recovered unfortunately. I still have social anxiety, weird thoughts, and just feeling different than most other people of my age. This shit causes some serious brain damage. On the other side, i havent been trying much to recover myself. But yeah this is just my story. I wish the best of strength to everyone. I have wasted so much time just sitting behind my PC. One thing is for sure, doing nothing will definetly not make it better.
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How much did you do?
 
Brahhhh said:
About 20 times (35 pills) in 1 year. Most pills were pretty strong here in The Netherlands. Usually atleast 160mg.
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I see. Well best of luck to you. I think my LTC is almost over and I think exercise is what is making me better.
 
db1995 said:
I see. Well best of luck to you. I think my LTC is almost over and I think exercise is what is making me better.
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Thank you. I could use some luck to be honest. :) Yeah I know exercise can be a good remedy. I haven't done it for a long time. I should start it again. :)
 
shouldvestayedhome said:
@Brahhhh can you elaborate how your feeling now? Do you still use? Where would you rate your recovery?
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At the moment I have a massive hangover so not feeling too well. But usually I just feel a bit down (probably because I miss the old times), anxious (like on streets or busy places). Derealisation and HPPD still didnt go away. And yeah I'm just not the happy guy anymore I used to be. So pretty sad situation. I haven't used in 3 years, there were points I thought I was close to recovery (whatever that may be) but now its taking so long I just see my old self dissapear more and more. But like I said, my lifestyle is not healthy at all last 6 months so maybe I should get back to the gym again and what not.
 
Everyone's recovery is different! Don't compare yourself to others and keep plugging away, better times will come!
 
@Regrets9995 your right everyone's recovery is different. I believe I may have exacerbated a prior mental health problem. I still feel a coonstant burning sensation in my head. But I am trying to do my best not to think about it. Suicide is still on my mind. But I am too afraid of dying to attempt such an option. But here I am enduring a self created hell. Best of luck too you all reading this!

P.s.
Don't do drugs!!
 
anyone have long lasting sexual dysfunction/ED? i'm 5 months out with this, as well as DP/DR, head pressure, lightheadedness, ears ringing, insomnia, muscle fatigue/trembling/twitches/pain, stomach issues. not sure if i should try low dose SSRI or if that would just make it worse...
 
Have almost all of the things you described for a 1,5 year prior to bad MDMA reaction (dropped 2 pills at once 04.2016), most are gone now, sexual dysfunction was the worst for me, but it's good like never before now! :), So i'm very happy about that! Stay away from SSRI, it will get better for sure without them. Tinnitus are with me to this day (but only if i remind myself about it) it's probably normal at some point of life and people don't realize they have it, and as far as I remember i have had it sometimes in my childhood too, especially in quiet places or at night.

I consider myself almost 100% recovered, maybe it will be strange to read by some people, but in some areas my life is far better today then preLTC, and LTC for me was strange, fearful and very teaching experience, some of the sources says that psychedelics is the fastest way to explore your "shadow". So if you have been passive nice guy like me before, maybe you have your answer now and it's just your body trying to say you something. ;)
PS. Long time lurker (about 2 years now) first time poster. Stay cool and be positive!
 
Just checking back in. Unfortunately for me things are stagnating.....still got the scalp tingling off and on, and the tons of floaters and Tinnitus haven't improved one bit. I can drink a small coffee here and there or a black tea and seem to have no issues. Beer is hit or miss....the most I've had is 3 in a night. I can tell if it'll be ok because I'll feel a very slight buzz after one.....if I don't get that feeling I know I'm reacting badly.....starts to feel like a mini relapse, so overall I stay away from alcohol. Sleep has been pretty good overall, but it's still not easy or enjoyable as before all this. No meds at this time except occasional diazepam if having a tough time sleeping. Stay strong everyone....and one thing I recommend is try to relax if you're a newbie.... worrying and constant googling doesn't help and is actually detrimental. And stay away from supplements the first month or so....many reacted badly with me.
 
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