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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 4)

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The having conversations in your head part is really important to address, I used to do that all the time too thinking that it was sort of a "well I'm not sleeping anyways so whatever" thing but the truth is that it can really keep you from getting to sleep. The goal is essentially silence in the head (a tall order of course, but practice makes perfect).

Antipsychotics really helped me with those sorts of issues and they're meds that stay strong long term and keep on helping you after you taper off them. I think it's mostly a question of if you get side effects from them at dosages necessary to help you quiet your mind and sleep.

Turning the brightness all the way down on your phone and watching relaxing massage videos and that sort of stuff is something to try at night rather than having convos with yourself, and try to relax your thoughts and just focus on the video as you're watching. Guided meditations can be very helpful as well, try this one for example https://youtu.be/1vx8iUvfyCY
 
Well I'm literally having conversations.... I'm talking out loud to people as I'm drifting off to sleep, my mind is so fucked when it comes around to sleep it's ridiculous. I'm seeing less and less positive outcome to this, but I'll try and remain positive. I'll go weeks without sleeping before I try Benozo's. I know I'll become addicted to them so I'm not going to even bother. My last hope is Belsomra or Lyrica or Gabapentin. I really hope Dr. Abraham has some ideas for me, I'm putting everything on that. I was never depressed, why am I taking an AD? I'm not even depressed now I'm just scared shitless. I'm sick of sleeping on a pull out couch for months, I'm sick of this dominating my life, I'm sick of everyone telling me its in my head, I'm sick of my doctor telling me its all anxiety and my brain is fine, I'm sick of the tinnitus, I'm sick of not having sex with my girlfriend of 9 years (been 5 months). She's so beautiful and deserves better. I'm sick of my dad telling me about his depression....this is not the same. Deep down inside I know what I need to do.....quit all drugs (even prescribed), quit going on the web, exercise like crazy, mindfulness, and strengthen my faith in God. This really is my last post/check in for a few days. I'll let you all know how my appointment with doctor A goes.
 
Yes I'm going to continue with the mindfulness religiously, I have to. Interesting about the anti-psychotics.... I'll have to ask the doctors. My mood is directly related to my sleep (for the most part). Yes he did do MDMA again, and I think he smoked pot too. Poor soul, I honestly don't blame him though.

No I haven't tried SSRIs, just the Remeron. I wish I didn't honestly, it's only set me back further I'm positive. Especially in regards to my sleep. Butttt... I can't think that way! It doesn't help now.

Fare well all. I'll pray for everyone on this board. I'll check in, in a few days. Sorry to keep venting and posting.
 
I'm looking for some help, I took two doses of 150mg of MDMA, I rolled really hard and I think I've fucked my eyes, Ive been unbalanced for a month and it feels like my eyes and my brain are disconnected, I have choppy vision, almost like its a lag.
 
@Cotcha

Maybe if people aren't getting results with mindfulness alone it could be helpful to see a psychologist who specializes in MBCT and try the clinical form of it rather than just random apps or things on the internet?

The studies supposedly claim results in 6-8 weeks after regular practice but is this true or does it take longer?

The other thing is I wonder if using mindfulness to cure this problem goes against mindfulness itself?! Am I overthinking this?
 
I'm just over 9 months in and am at a weird stage.

Disregarding a bit of a hiccup a couple of weeks back when I had a couple of lines of coke (stupid), most of my symptoms have been slowly getting better - in particular cognitively.

What is weird though is that as these symptoms ease, my base level of anxiety has been slowly rising. It's gone from small butterflies in the stomach upon waking to now full anxiety & sweats in bed when waking up, and getting to sleep is slowly getting harder and harder.

I'm hoping this is maybe a late hurdle to get over on the path to recovery, but it is a pain to have to deal with it whilst everything else was going quite well.

I'm on the headspace app most days, have been using Ashwaghanda daily (actually think it has a slight benefit) and have started seeing a new psychologist. Really hoping I can sort this out without the use of meds - doctor has prescribed me Lexapro if I want to go down that path but I am worried over the side effects. My wife is due to have a baby in 4 months and I don't want my emotions blunted at all for what should be an incredible experience....
 
I'm looking for some help, I took two doses of 150mg of MDMA, I rolled really hard and I think I've fucked my eyes, Ive been unbalanced for a month and it feels like my eyes and my brain are disconnected, I have choppy vision, almost like its a lag.

Are you getting more typical HPPD symptoms as well? In general it seems that it can take months for HPPD to improve, but MDMA can cause weird effects on vision. I would give it time and try not to worry about it too much, some cardio and mindfulness can do you good as well and also make sure you get as much sleep as you can.
 
@Cotcha

Maybe if people aren't getting results with mindfulness alone it could be helpful to see a psychologist who specializes in MBCT and try the clinical form of it rather than just random apps or things on the internet?

This is a great idea, I think that any form of cognitive therapy that addresses unhelpful thought/action/behavior patterns is going to make a difference but having some appointments where you discuss this in detail would be great. I think the issue for many people that are truly lost in thought is that a lot of time goes by before they remember they're supposed to be mindful. If your mindfulness only lasts for 3 minutes and then you spend 57 minutes being unmindful before you remember, that's no bueno. I think that having more memories (in real life, not just on the internet) concerned with mindfulness will help with people with remembering that they're supposed to be mindful and catching themselves when they are ruminating. You can drill it into your head reading a book about meditation and then consciously trying to remember to stay mindful but some more real life events might help. A meditation retreat would also be a great ideal, although unfortunately not an option for many.

The studies supposedly claim results in 6-8 weeks after regular practice but is this true or does it take longer?

The other thing is I wonder if using mindfulness to cure this problem goes against mindfulness itself?! Am I overthinking this?

For many trials for different therapy type things they seem to like like using 8 weeks of the test vs. placebo, then follow ups later on. From the studies that I recall improvements were seen at 8 weeks after around 30 minutes total daily practice (some studies using methods that may not be equivalent to 30 minutes independent practice, group sessions for example, led by a PhD or MD) but as I recall there were more improvements as you went further down the follow ups. So at the end of the 8 weeks concentrated practice is not when the benefits are fully realized but you should expect some results then, although obviously LTC sufferers are a unique population.

Here is a trial for mindfulness being used in chronic insomnia that used once weekly 2.5 hour sessions with a 6 hour mindfulness retreat at 8 weeks in addition to 30 minutes daily meditation https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4153063/ You can look at this figure and see that benefits are gained long after the 8 weeks for Mindfulness Based Therapy for Insomnia (MBTI) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4153063/figure/F3/

You can see in this figure that there is something going on after 3 months for MBTI, but of course MBTI is still doing vastly better than the control (SM) at 6 months https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4153063/figure/F2/
I don't know quite what that is. It could be that the insomniacs were really starting to pay their sleep debt around 3 months. It could also be they felt well enough after paying their sleep debt that they didn't try as hard to sleep, as opposed to they were still trying to sleep but had decreased physiological sleep drive.

The other explanations could be more biological, a consequence of synaptic reorganization, a sort of "darkest before the dawn" scenario, the brain smoothing out. The idea being that synapses that didn't get used very much would have become sensitized and then when finally used they were a bit too sensitive and would take some time to return to average sensitivity. I would've liked longer follow ups, 1 year, 2 years etc. because I assume that things would have continued to improve beyond 6 months, bar having really paid the sleep debt and decreased their sleep pressure.

I imagine that mindfulness for an LTC will function in a similar way but the benefits are going to be a little bit more drawn out, but the benefits could also be much more powerful in the years down the road. But a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

As for mindfulness causing unmindfulness, it really means that mindfulness is exactly what you need IF you can learn to do it correctly ;) I think taking an approach that's not just learning mindfulness independently would be a fantastic choice for trying to push through that issue. Depending on the person I'm sure some people are going to have less benefits within the first 8 weeks and more benefits down the road once they start to think less during mindfulness, and also learn when to apply it lightly throughout the day, even when doing tasks (Most helpful for ADHD, which mindfulness has proven effective for as well).
 
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What is weird though is that as these symptoms ease, my base level of anxiety has been slowly rising. It's gone from small butterflies in the stomach upon waking to now full anxiety & sweats in bed when waking up, and getting to sleep is slowly getting harder and harder.

I think that this is probably a good sign, think of it as dusting off unused connections and brain cells. They have probably become sensitized in the absence of much input and use, and now that they are starting to see some more use they're a bit too compensated for the previously low level of input if you will. I'm sure it will smooth out with time. The brain's compensations for certain states can take a while to smooth out as normal function returns.

Its great to hear that you're using Headspace, I hope its helping you. If you get bored of that you could certainly venture onto youtube, I like a guy called Michael Sealey on there.

Congratulations on the baby =D
 
Thanks Cotcha - means a lot. Your help on here to so many people in need has been such a blessing.
 
Doc prescribed me low dose Amitriptyline for sleep...anyone have experience? Doesn't look to affect HPPD too much. She didn't wanna prescribe me Belsomra..... said it's habit forming.... i disagree. I'm gonna taper off the remeron the next few days and try and not take anything but valerian root. Gonna pick up some ashwaghanda as well..... I'm much more inclined to try natural remedies first.
 
Goodluck tapering mirtazapine, I would probably take a bit smaller pill every day for about 7-10 days until you taper completely. I don't know if I would try to taper a 15mg+ dose in 3-4 days, I would probably take a couple more days. But it should go swimmingly either way.

But yeah Belsomra isn't really habit forming, I mean it's all relative. Amitryptyline is probably going to have a worse withdrawal if you were at moderate-high dosages for a couple years than Belsomra max dose for a couple years. The issue is that belsomra got scheduled weirdly. It shouldn't have been scheduled as high as it did.
 
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Thanks Cotcha. Yeah basically my doc read on here little computer that it was a "hypnotic" so it must be bad and be in the same class as benzo's or z-drugs. In other news, I'm getting a sore throat.... Could really go for taking NyQuil tonight.
 
Just hit 9 months a few days ago. Checking in to see how everyone is?

Derealisation and a blurred memory are my only real symptoms left. Anxiety and depressive symptoms are occasional, but probably nothing to do with having taken md a lot over 3 months, in fact, I'm pretty sure it's because of rumination of how stressful this ordeal has been.

Would still love to be 100% again but with each passing month I just feel myself becoming more and more used to living like this and less bothered by it all, perhaps that's the way to truly get through it? I don't know.

Peace.
 
Also another thing. I found taking valerian root in liquid form (I use Nytol which we get in the UK) helped massively with my sleeping problems alongside mindfulness. Would recommend it massively to anyone who suffered a racing mind/anxious thoughts when they tried to sleep.
 
Hello guys.


I am here to update you. It's been a while since I've posted anything here, why? I recovered 100%. In fact I can say that I recovered 200% cuz I live better than any time in my life now. I've never been so happy, so focused, so wise and in controll as I am now.


I went trough the most horrible moments of my life not long ago, and I can't help to notice the similarity between what I went trough with many of you here.

For those of you who doesn't know my story, you can click my user and see my latest posts, see the desperation in my words.

Summing up, I took like 30 pills of E in my life, and one night I exagerated and took 700mg. I had a panic atack and went into a deep depersonalization. I started to have insomnia. I was wakin up 3-4 times a night. Spent numerous sleepless nights with extremely high anxiety and terrifying thoughts about going crazy, about never return to normal again, about suicide. I started to wake up 5 to 7 times per night. It became my endless routine, 24 hours a day thinking I lost my mind, thinking that night messed my neuro system. I became obsessed about neuro system damage and i was sure that happened to me. I was sleeping like 2/3 hours a night, working the whole day like a zombie. Extreme difficulty to concentrate, my memory simply wasn't working. My libido was fucked up. I couldn't get it up even alone. Tought it was a permanent damage caused by ecstasy and it freaked me out so badly. I felt palpitations all day in my head and other parts of the body. I was constantly afraid of having a heart attack. My heart was racing all day, my legs were shaking all day. I consulted with 5 different psychiatrists, one neurologist and one psychologist. There was a time when, at some moments I could not distinguish reality from a dream. I had earworms all day, non stopping songs playing in my head over and over again. I was tortured by brain fog and anhedonia. I just couldn't concentrate in living life. I was always inside my own head, not consciously living my life. I was permanently stuck in my mind with never-ending devastating thoughts.

It was the darkest time of my life. I don't wish what I went trough even to the worst person in this world. I tought i had all kinds of disease: Brain Dammage, Alzheimer, Parkinson, Schizophrenia, Multiple Sclerosis. I bought all kinds of supplements: Ashwagandha, Gingko Biloba, Rhodiola, Melatonin, ZMA, Glutamine, Maca, Tribulus, Pregnenolone, Gaba plus, Magnesium, Omega 3, and these were very expensive shit (I don't take any of these crap today). You can get a sense of my level of despair.

but hey, I'm cured now, how did this happen?


You can check my latest posts and you will find several tips, but I can say that my problem was 100% psychological, as I believe it'salso the reality to many here. No brain damage, only a young man in collapse that needed to analyze his life.


I wrote about 4 books about my life, and I understood that all this was a depersonalization caused by my anxiety and obsessive thinking. So I learned to control it and today I am much better.


I even did one year treatment with sulpiride 50mg, xanax 2mg and 20mg lexapro and decided to stop taking all medicines. Today I'm a sex machine, absolutely no problems with libido, constantlu smoking marijuana (could not smoke without having panic attacks) and what I can say to you is: don't give up, and seek to understand more about yourself. The best way to do this is to write, write what you feel, why you feel it, when you began to feel that way. Each one of you have your own journey. You'll get better only when start understanding about yourself, there is no cure, miracle supplement. Meditation and exercise are good but are not the cure. What really will heal you is your own mind, the way you think and face life. I recommend watching the movie "Waking Life" I began to improve considerably from the moment I got the message the movie passes. I just returned from the best weekend of my life and I can say I've never been so happy and I can guarantee that all of you will reach it.

if you have any specific questions, feel free to ask. I will try to help the most but know: yes, it's possible to return to normal, it is even possible to be better than before.


Stay strong.
 
I think saying this is 100% psychological is going way too far. Conversely, saying this is 100% brain damage is also going way too far. Cotcha had a good post about this earlier. Neural alterations he was talking about are not "damage" in the strictest sense. These neural pathways are themselves a biological thing. And just because psychological therapies work doesn't mean its 100% psychological when there could be a real biological thing going on which ultimately creates the symptoms. Problem is, we don't understand completely what that is beyond a few potential theories but that doesn't mean its psychological. Neuroplasticity is also a biological thing which can be influenced through psychological means.

Like cotcha said, the line between biology/psychology gets "blurry".
 
Has anyone had success in decreasing brain zaps? I've heard fish oil and b12 can help but I haven't tried them long enough to tell a difference (3 days). My boyfriend gets them worse than I do but he still rolls and I'm scared to tell him to take fish oil or b12 if it'll have a reaction when he rolls.
 
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