Substances used:
6pm-10pm - 200mgMDMA pill (reliable source of good quality MDMA)
10pm-12pm - 250mg-500mg MDMA powder (unreliable source)
12pm-6am - 500mg Cocaine (unreliable source)
6am - 10mg Diazepam
Next day - 400mg 5-HTP (continuing each day for 5 days)
I would really like this post to be a point of reference for people who are going through the same thing I went through. I found other posts about anxiety, paranoia and even stuff like psychosis while I was going through this ordeal but none of them made me feel better about it. I would like to explain what happened and see if anyone has any comments or thoughts about it and if posting my experience as a success story can give someone in the same position hope then I would be extremely delighted.
It started off as normal as any other time in the last 3 years. I had gotten used to going out every 4-6 weeks and taking 150-250mg of MDMA but had recently stopped using as regularly. I had not taken MDMA in 6 months so obviously I was looking forward to seeing if the "magic" had returned.
It turned out it had. I was feeling sublime from 6pm until 10pm. Once 10pm rolled on I began taking some different MDMA in powder form. About an hour later I was starting to zone out and feel really down. I felt as if I had used all my serotonin and there was no more feeling nice for the remainder of the night. I felt very emotionless and out of sync with everything around me. My social cues were completely off so I found it impossible to communicate with people that I was feeling down. I was stuck in this situation for a good 6 hours. During this time I attempted to "sort my head out" with some cocaine as a friend of mine had told me it can sometimes wake you up out of this kind of thing. I was having feelings of extreme paranoia and anxiety, coupled with the fact that my emotions seemed to not be working. My thought processes in my mind were not linking together properly and I found it hard to string together a coherent sentence. In my mind I was frustrated because I could think straight but I couldn't express myself correctly. I felt locked into my own mind and suffered; what I think was; extreme depersonalization.
I finally made it home at about 7am and thought taking a 10mg diazepam would make me feel better. It had almost zero effect. I was awake that day until 4pm and when I finally slept I felt as though I was in a very light sleep. I think it effected my deep/rem sleep and so when waking up later my brain was still exhausted.
Having had comedowns before I knew they can be bad but with each day it gets better. You wake up and you're a little bit better until you eventually forget all about it... but this felt different. I would wake up in the morning and instantly be hit by waves of anxiety, paranoia, confusion, nausea, depersonalization, panic attacks, etc/ This continued 24 and 48 hours after the initial night.
I had to go back to my job and attempt to work in this way. I was having panic attacks at work, I was extremely paranoid that people were looking at me and couldn't communicate with colleagues or customers properly. The scariest thing of all was that this continued for 6-7 days. I had constant thoughts about going to the doctor/hospital to ask for help with my mental health. I sometimes thought about how people commit suicide on drugs and empathized with them as I felt like I understood what they were going through (However I never imagined myself killing myself or seen it as appropriate for me).
My partner was telling me "it's all in your head" and it will get better but when you are in that situation and you don't feel your normal self it seems to last forever. I looked for help online and saw things like "permanent brain damage" "psychosis" etc and it made me panic even more.
So it has been 10 days now and I am a lot better. My depersonalization and feeling of being locked into my own mind went after day 7. My social anxiety (which I have sometimes when I am sober and clean) is still slightly evident sometimes but that's normal for me. The paranoia and emotional aspects of the ordeal are completely gone and I feel much healthier. It took my 7 days to get over it. Those 7 days felt like a month in my head. I have literally been through hell and sitting here writing this feeling normal again is the best feeling in the world.
It has also left me much more appreciative of my brain and general personality because it's made me realize it could actually be taken away from you. You take for granted who you are every day but I can see now how important your mental health is and it has made me think about taking better care of it.
Hopefully this post is ok as I just wanted to get it off my chest really and see if anyone has anything to say. If I have broken any rules please just delete the thread
Regards,
xxcx
