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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 3)

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8 Months, pains have not stopped nor have the floaters! they are the two main symptoms that annoy me the most, the pains are fucked. like something in my muscle is really really wrong, i dont even know how to explain it, just really tight, and when i flex my shoulders it really really hurts... floaters just annoy me at work when i look at the computer, though not at home? (its got to do with lighting). apart from that the heartbeat awareness is still there but i dont even care about that anymore learned to deal with it. Brain fog and crap like that is gone, i went really well in university last semester so i can say that my head is all there. But ffs any solutions for these pains? could it be endocrine related? should i try Rx drugs now??

Love you all x
 
My symptoms include non existent libido, no morning wood, lsck of motivation, emotional numbness, loss of sense of humour. These symptoms are killing me and I really cant see them ever improving :(
 
I'm doing everything I can. Clean diet, exercise, plenty of sleep etc. I don't think the doctor would be of much use to be fairly honest. It's my 19th tomorrow and I can't even drink for it. I'm living in a fucking nightmare atm
 
sorry i didnt state it in the post but this rave was 2 months ago and i have no sign of improvement. i know what a comedown is and this isnt the same. i had the typical down week after. these effects are not a part of the comedown.
Re-read your original post and noticed you said it was back in may, apologies, I read right over that. That's a while, but for some people that's still normal. After my heaviest binge I ever did (5 days in a row, never again) I had what you're describing, plus crippling depression, brain zaps, muscle spasms, vertigo, some kind of weird zoning out feeling and some other things for quite a while after. The physical after-effects subsided after about 3 weeks, but the depression and general 'empty' feeling like you're describing took 1.5-2 months to clear up. Now considering I'm pretty resistant to MDMA's after-effects, even when I was abusing the stuff, it's very much possible that this is still part of the normal 'comedown' (the comedown is actually the end of a roll, when you're coming back down, not the hangover).

What's also possible is that MDMA triggered something psychological. It is known to be able to cause (sometimes severe) rebound anxiety, which in turn can cause heaps of other weird symptoms to pop up. What's almost impossible is that you have permanent damage, like you're fearing, from research it appears that it takes a lot more than what you did to cause detectable brain damage. And if you're already brain-damaged, I would probably be a vegetable by now :D don't worry, it might take a while, but you'll be fine. The first and foremost thing you need to do is to find a way to get on with life as best you can, and stop trying to self-diagnose, it's useless because you'll never find a definitive answer, only speculation which will cause more worrying, which will likely make it worse. Apart from that, exercise like crazy, that really really helps. And then the usual: a balanced and complete diet and no drugs for a while
 
Re-read your original post and noticed you said it was back in may, apologies, I read right over that. That's a while, but for some people that's still normal. After my heaviest binge I ever did (5 days in a row, never again) I had what you're describing, plus crippling depression, brain zaps, muscle spasms, vertigo, some kind of weird zoning out feeling and some other things for quite a while after. The physical after-effects subsided after about 3 weeks, but the depression and general 'empty' feeling like you're describing took 1.5-2 months to clear up. Now considering I'm pretty resistant to MDMA's after-effects, even when I was abusing the stuff, it's very much possible that this is still part of the normal 'comedown' (the comedown is actually the end of a roll, when you're coming back down, not the hangover).

What's also possible is that MDMA triggered something psychological. It is known to be able to cause (sometimes severe) rebound anxiety, which in turn can cause heaps of other weird symptoms to pop up. What's almost impossible is that you have permanent damage, like you're fearing, from research it appears that it takes a lot more than what you did to cause detectable brain damage. And if you're already brain-damaged, I would probably be a vegetable by now :D don't worry, it might take a while, but you'll be fine. The first and foremost thing you need to do is to find a way to get on with life as best you can, and stop trying to self-diagnose, it's useless because you'll never find a definitive answer, only speculation which will cause more worrying, which will likely make it worse. Apart from that, exercise like crazy, that really really helps. And then the usual: a balanced and complete diet and no drugs for a while
It's been 7 months for me it's been hell all my muscles seem to be wasting away it's just not right atall and my skin tissue has become so loose I honestly don't know what's going on man.
I hope I havnt done anything neurologocal as I have ed pain and weakness arms legs lines in vision memory and speech problems I'm waiting on my mri and 24hr cortisol test to come back but after that I'm actually stuck.
I feel so tired and look terrible does anyone know what I can do ? I've tryed everything my personality and everything is all gone
 
Yeah the speech difficulties man. This one hits hard on me. I've always spoke very very fast but now I have to slow myself down or else I get caught saying stuff like 'Jesus I can't speak for shit'.
 
@StrangeStuff

"Are the pains like fibromyalgia? It could be endocrine--in fact, fibro is linked to HPA dysfunction but it isnt treated by endocrinologists. Im guessing you also have anxiety which could also connect to the pain.

Have you checked Vitamin D, B12, ferritin, and RBC magnesium? "bro

Yes they are man, exactly like fibro, tried lyrica and did not work (made everthing worse). Can you please explain this further so i have an idea of what to do

@Ryan23
Man that sucks, mines not that bad but it really fucks me at work, are you doing anything at the moment (school or work?)

@me2point
How are you travelling man? you said you were getting better, interested in your progress. Surely you gave gotten some better ?
 
@StrangeStuff

"Are the pains like fibromyalgia? It could be endocrine--in fact, fibro is linked to HPA dysfunction but it isnt treated by endocrinologists. Im guessing you also have anxiety which could also connect to the pain.

Have you checked Vitamin D, B12, ferritin, and RBC magnesium? "bro

Yes they are man, exactly like fibro, tried lyrica and did not work (made everthing worse). Can you please explain this further so i have an idea of what to do

@Ryan23
Man that sucks, mines not that bad but it really fucks me at work, are you doing anything at the moment (school or work?)

@me2point
How are you travelling man? you said you were getting better, interested in your progress. Surely you gave gotten some better ?

It is terrible man I hope this isn't permanent .. My mri scan came back ok yesterday .. Just waiting on my cortisol test now I really hope there's a problem so this can be treated if It comes back Ok I don't know what I'm going to do ... Yea I work 5 days a week
 
I'll pray for you tonight man, hope we all get better, have faith cause I'm
Hanging by a thread as well :) I was hoping work would take your mind off it as well .
 
I'll pray for you tonight man, hope we all get better, have faith cause I'm
Hanging by a thread as well :) I was hoping work would take your mind off it as well .
Thanks man . My cortisol test came back normal aswell ? this is a disaster i honestly feel so stupid..
 
Well for people with delayed LTCs there is a greater chance of this stuff. Estrogen isnt a problem until you try treating the T so its not a direct issue.

Testosterone isn't the biggest problem as much as the pregnenolone/progesterone/cortisol stuff. You can afford lower T if your preg/prog/cortisol is better. DHEA-S also plays into this somewhere. In the beginning of my LTC when I was numbed/anxious and in a terrible state I had very low pregnenolone+progesterone. I also had low cortisol.


However, I responded to the ACTH stim test and the endo was like ok no problem but the endo was wrong--the ACTH stim is not a good representation of the real biology. The best test is if your cortisol isn't high under physical/mental stress it shows adrenal insufficiency.

However, it just so happens that the treatments for Testosterone that are not directly replacing T such as HCG or SERMs can help you regenerate preg/prog/cortisol.

Here is a good paper explaining "bioenergetic stress" from MDMA. Bioenergetic stress is essentially "adrenal fatigue" but is a medically accepted term. Adrenal fatigue is real but has just been totally unaccepted cause too many quacks out there have misdefined it as an adrenal problem when it is actually a brain thing.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2826870/

When you push your body too hard it causes this. Doesnt happen in everybody cause their bodies can cope better due to other factors unrelated to mdma such as vitamin/mineral status. If I recall correctly, you also didnt experience a direct LTC and it was delayed and happened cause you suddenly couldnt handle school

That completely falls into this "bioenergetic stress" model.

For others it may have started after a drinking sesh a few weeks later, or an illness. Or even randomly--the random cases aren't "random" but seem that way cause the "stress" is something physical that is unidentified.

And then the symptoms cause mental stress which further pushes you to a total breakdown.

So OK, I hardly understood anything of what you just wrote. All my blood values are normal. I don't know if I've checked the T but I should maybe, since my LTC was delayed.
 
If anybody out there would take the time to give any encouraging words. ill be forever grateful.. My ltc is over a year now. Main thing is anxiety! I still struggle with it alot. My question is In one week i have tickets to a pop concert. Its a 7 hour drive. AND IM TERRIFIED TO GO. I havent traveled or gone to concerts since this ltc. I see a therapist and shes pissed that i may not go. My biggest fear is something happening to me (Panic attack!) And being away from home and the 7hrs on the road. If i get through this i think itll be a huge break thru but im so scared. Any advice plz
 
So OK, I hardly understood anything of what you just wrote. All my blood values are normal. I don't know if I've checked the T but I should maybe, since my LTC was delayed.

Well the TLDR of it is that if your LTC is delayed that means something internal probably stressed out your body. Or in your case, something internal+external with school.

Basically your stress response got somehow compromised and couldnt compensate anymore. Thats what AF is. It also depends on what stage of the delayed LTC you are at. So how are you doing now? Some of your body may have already recovered.

Can you function at work/school/etc?
 
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If anybody out there would take the time to give any encouraging words. ill be forever grateful.. My ltc is over a year now. Main thing is anxiety! I still struggle with it alot. My question is In one week i have tickets to a pop concert. Its a 7 hour drive. AND IM TERRIFIED TO GO. I havent traveled or gone to concerts since this ltc. I see a therapist and shes pissed that i may not go. My biggest fear is something happening to me (Panic attack!) And being away from home and the 7hrs on the road. If i get through this i think itll be a huge break thru but im so scared. Any advice plz

Been there done that. My first trip during the ltc was to toronto, 6 hour drive. We even took a ride on a website so I didnt even know the driver. He dropped me off in the MIDDLE of the city, no where to go. At first you might get the ''anxiety for no reason'' feeling. You know the one you feel something wrong in your body but it's all good? Anyways, after 1-2 hours the feeling let me because I was walking around the city too budy to deal with it. It was a music festival so to be up all day I took 40mg vyvanse, wich induces anxiety. I had the best two days in my entire LTC. Just tell yourself it's nothing different from home man. Anyways, couple months after, I went to arizona. I had to take the damn plane. I posted here because I was scared shitless, I now have blood circulation problems because of the ltc, so the altitude was scaring me. I got a panic attack when taking off, I felt hopeless. I closed my eyes, and just kept breathing very deeply and it was allllll good. Went to the same festival this year and it was flawless.

Anyways this was a huge post for no reason, but I wanted to make you understand that your ltc is probably a little less insane that mine is, and nothing is going to happen, people aronud you are there to help. NOTHING can happen. My moto is that I have th same body as I did before this, just a different view of the world. Don't panic, take a deep breath. Enjoy your pop thing dude.
 
I just wanted to help some people out here who are suffering with some endocrine issues or even if your bloods are coming back. You guys should take l-arginine , I know this is a amino acid but it works differently than other amino acids as it has endocrine effect and increases HGH . I have started to feel better from it and was recommended this by a German doctors who has treated people with post drug effects.
 
Been there done that. My first trip during the ltc was to toronto, 6 hour drive. We even took a ride on a website so I didnt even know the driver. He dropped me off in the MIDDLE of the city, no where to go. At first you might get the ''anxiety for no reason'' feeling. You know the one you feel something wrong in your body but it's all good? Anyways, after 1-2 hours the feeling let me because I was walking around the city too budy to deal with it. It was a music festival so to be up all day I took 40mg vyvanse, wich induces anxiety. I had the best two days in my entire LTC. Just tell yourself it's nothing different from home man. Anyways, couple months after, I went to arizona. I had to take the damn plane. I posted here because I was scared shitless, I now have blood circulation problems because of the ltc, so the altitude was scaring me. I got a panic attack when taking off, I felt hopeless. I closed my eyes, and just kept breathing very deeply and it was allllll good. Went to the same festival this year and it was flawless.

Anyways this was a huge post for no reason, but I wanted to make you understand that your ltc is probably a little less insane that mine is, and nothing is going to happen, people aronud you are there to help. NOTHING can happen. My moto is that I have th same body as I did before this, just a different view of the world. Don't panic, take a deep breath. Enjoy your pop thing dude.

@me2point
Thank you for words!! Anxiety is fucking horrible ofcourse you know that too. Thank you for the advice!! i follow your story since long ago. Funny thing is that this trip im worried about is in ARIZONA! ha. Im glad you made it through dude! Im jus terrified becuz the anxiety i experience is constant. i feel it everyday and so now travel scares the shit out of me. i have to stay at a hotel. the hotel scares me becuz this ltc started in a hotel(panic attack) So i dont want those memories to hit me hard. maybe im overthinking. idk. Thank you once again!
 
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Eckhart Tolle.

You guys should watch some of his YouTube videos if you can, and read "Power of Now".

I've iust had 3 days in a row almost totally anxiety and depression free. I haven't had that since October last year. Dipped a little bit today but that's probably lack of sleep. But even now, it's feels like a shadow of its former self. I'm keeping Echkart's teachings in mind as often as possible and BELIEVE ME, this shit helps.

I'm not going to elaborate on it because he is the best one to explain it, but it's basically mindfulness explained beautifully. I owe a lot of my recent happiness to it and I know for a fact that the more I practice it the better I'll feel.

What he's talking about, anyone with an LTC is guilty of. The over identification of the self with the mind and the ego. But again, you need to hear it from him and read some of his stuff.

What I've noticed? I only feel like shit when I slip away from the present moment. Because the present moment is ALWAYS NEUTRAL. Unless you have pain or discomfort, and even then, what is that? A sensation in your body, nothing more.

You are in the grip of an LTC when you are in fantasy land. That's what anxiety and depression is. And even sensations in your body that you may find disturbing. Your mind creates the perception. The cure? Silence the mind, which can be done with practice.

I have experienced a glimpse of what he talks about, the state when you are truly present. Had it a couple of times during mediation sessions when it's easy to concentrate. Though it's starting to pervade my general life more and more.
 
Eckhart Tolle.

You guys should watch some of his YouTube videos if you can, and read "Power of Now".

I've iust had 3 days in a row almost totally anxiety and depression free. I haven't had that since October last year. Dipped a little bit today but that's probably lack of sleep. But even now, it's feels like a shadow of its former self. I'm keeping Echkart's teachings in mind as often as possible and BELIEVE ME, this shit helps.

I'm not going to elaborate on it because he is the best one to explain it, but it's basically mindfulness explained beautifully. I owe a lot of my recent happiness to it and I know for a fact that the more I practice it the better I'll feel.

What he's talking about, anyone with an LTC is guilty of. The over identification of the self with the mind and the ego. But again, you need to hear it from him and read some of his stuff.

What I've noticed? I only feel like shit when I slip away from the present moment. Because the present moment is ALWAYS NEUTRAL. Unless you have pain or discomfort, and even then, what is that? A sensation in your body, nothing more.

You are in the grip of an LTC when you are in fantasy land. That's what anxiety and depression is. And even sensations in your body that you may find disturbing. Your mind creates the perception. The cure? Silence the mind, which can be done with practice.

I have experienced a glimpse of what he talks about, the state when you are truly present. Had it a couple of times during mediation sessions when it's easy to concentrate. Though it's starting to pervade my general life more and more.
I'm glad that you have found something that has helped you through this, but for a lot of people its not just, ALL IN OUR HEADS
 
@colin

Well he does have a point though tolle's writings aren't for everyone. Ive read some of that stuff too about the pain-body and all. But he claims to have supposedly been cured overnight of his depression and honestly I am not sure about that. Mindfulness however is essentially tolle with all the spirituality stuff removed.

It works for some though not for others just like any other treatment.

Either way--yes this is not completely in your head but since everything is connected, you can still treat this with therapy and mindfulness. That's the route my psychiatrist wanted to go at first but since I couldn't do that we looked into the physical stuff more.

Theres multiple routes and combinations to follow. Also, the mindfulness stuff is easier to do the further in recovery you are. The one thing I disagree with about the "Now" and the thing I don't get about is that ok thoughts about the future/past can be dismissed with it but the FEELING of anxiety/depression remains in the "Now". So someone in a full blown LTC or whatever is experiencing emptiness in the "Now" and as a result is unable to do tasks in the "now".

Ex) because they are unable to do things in the "now" they project it into the future and you get thoughts like "omg I screwed my life". Then you try to ground yourself in the "Now" with mindfulness and this lets you dismiss that thought. But you are still having issues doing work/socializing/whatever and these activities are in the "Now" and you will still have issues whether you stay in the present or not. Let me know if I am interpreting the "now" part incorrectly cause this is why I never really got it.

Is this feeling merely considered some sort of "pain" that you have to accept?
 
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@colin

Well he does have a point though tolle's writings aren't for everyone. Ive read some of that stuff too about the pain-body and all. But he claims to have supposedly been cured overnight of his depression and honestly I am not sure about that. Mindfulness however is essentially tolle with all the spirituality stuff removed.

It works for some though not for others just like any other treatment.

Either way--yes this is not completely in your head but since everything is connected, you can still treat this with therapy and mindfulness. That's the route my psychiatrist wanted to go at first but since I couldn't do that we looked into the physical stuff more.

Theres multiple routes and combinations to follow. Also, the mindfulness stuff is easier to do the further in recovery you are. The one thing I disagree with about the "Now" and the thing I don't get about is that ok thoughts about the future/past can be dismissed with it but the FEELING of anxiety/depression remains in the "Now". So someone in a full blown LTC or whatever is experiencing emptiness in the "Now" and as a result is unable to do tasks in the "now".

Ex) because they are unable to do things in the "now" they project it into the future and you get thoughts like "omg I screwed my life". Then you try to ground yourself in the "Now" with mindfulness and this lets you dismiss that thought. But you are still having issues doing work/socializing/whatever and these activities are in the "Now" and you will still have issues whether you stay in the present or not. Let me know if I am interpreting the "now" part incorrectly cause this is why I never really got it.

Is this feeling merely considered some sort of "pain" that you have to accept?

I wasn't trying to undermime the effectiveness it has on him, not at all, and as I said, I think its great that he's found something thats made him feel anxiety and depression free. I just thought he was implying that by focusing on the 'now' and mindfulness is the cure for all of us here and thats how we should go about it.

I agree 100% with you. Its impossible to focus on the now in the midst of a LTC, because the now fucking sucks. From trying to listen to your favourite music, trying to play your favourite game, socialising with friends are all exrtemely difficult tasks as they give little to no enjoyment during a LTC. The emotional numbness is fucking crippling and is by far my biggest symptom. I think if that was cleared up, everything else would fall into place, as most of the feelings like lack of motivation, libido etc. I feel are linked to my emotional numbness
 
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