@STE
Whoa--5 grams?? You mean you did 5 g of mdma dec 2014 which started the LTC or you did 5 g after your LTC was already in session?
im starting to think that the severity and pathology of the symptoms is related to how much you did. If you did an insane amount, maybe its more than just the hormone stuff. But if you did reasonable amounts and have mood changes or if delayed then perhaps the hormone stuff is all it is.
I've literally only take 1 ecstasy pill (between 100-200 mg), had a regular comedown which was pretty scary not having experienced depression but recovered and then all the burn out/depression feelings came back 3 weeks later. In between that time, I had used alcohol and stuff but this happened on a random day where I woke up feeling anxious, head pressure, and not myself. And then massive insomnia, brain fog, low libido, hard to socialize, etc soon followed.
I've also only ever taken one pill. The 5g was MDMA rock that I took at a music festival last year. The same festival is actually on this weekend. Funny thought that it's been almost a year for me. Though it's not quite as clear cut as that and I firmly believe it was a psychological stressor that caused my problems. To recap my usage:
The 5g was good stuff that I'd picked up from London from a trusted source (I'm in the UK).
The pill I took about 3 weeks later. I was drunk with some friends so I decided to roll again. The comedown from the 3 day binge had been severe, but I wouldn't quite class it as "LTC". I kinda shrugged it off.
My symptoms developed gradually. I developed mood swings from the 3 day binge and very strange heart palpitations and brain zaps. After the pill, I developed a very noticeable, heavy heartbeat, which occurred as well as "flip flop in the chest" style palpitations.
I still have this heartbeat thing today, but it's not quite the "chesty flip flop" feeling it was. Most of the time, when I do feel it, it's in my fingers or feet, knees, occasionally head. Stress makes it worse, and when I'm very relaxed, it goes away completely. I've explained it to myself as increased stroke volume from my very fit and athletic heart. I proved this the other day when I went for a run with a friend who is in her majesty's armed forces and I left him in the dust. So if heart disease exists in this world, I am a very unlikely candidate for it. Plus, I'm aware that I was so paranoid about my heart that it's left a very bad mental habit of constantly searching for my heartbeat. After so much practice, I'm no doubt very good at tracking it down.
About 2 weeks after the pill, it was my first week of uni and I rolled every night for about 4 nights. It was only small amounts, maybe 0.1 a night.
2 weeks after my first week of uni, I took about half a gram at another music festival. This is when things started going really shit. But the REAL catalyst for everything was this.
I had an anxiety fuelled mood swing with a girl in October. I couldn't get it up and that sent my mood off the rails. October is almost a black hole for me. For some reason, I didn't quite make the connection and I used once towards the end of October and once in November. After the time in November, the day after I had such intense anxiety I literally thought I was in hell. It was almost of psychotic like intensity.
The funny thing is, only a few hours earlier on that fateful day in October, I had wanted to fuck the girl so hard, but her roommate was in next door and she said wait till later. Unfortunately, that coincided with a mood swing. If I'd of managed to have sex with her, which I would of done if she hadn't said wait, I would of never of lost my sexual confidence. I would of probably have never ended up on this forum.
It was the sexual performance anxiety, coupled with me ruminating about possible damage to my heart from the palpitations, and with constant ruminating and fears about going insane and of fucking myself up from drug use, that caused me so much suffering.
Notice: all of this is was in the mind. Mental stories I had created.
Not the drug use itself.
Hell, it wasn't that bad that it stopped me from using. The only thing that stopped me using was when I finally made the connection between MDMA and my mood. I've always been a moody guy, but I was living such a hedonistic life style at the time that I just didn't care. I was recently single and I'm a good looking guy, and I was loving the party scene.
But it all crumbled away, and once I realised that, things went seriously fucking dark.
December/January were almost surreal. I spent hours just walking about at night, listening to music, lost in dark thoughts. I sat in the shadows by the river waiting for the sun to come up. I stared into the water thinking about jumping in. Not that it would of done much, because I'm a good swimmer. But I also stood on bridges over busy roads and that's where it would of only have taken a split second thought to have ended it.
And for what? For the dark thoughts I believed. The mental stories I created myself about losing my manhood, being a drug idiot, disappointing my dead father.
None of that is real for christ sake. It's all ego stuff. Tolle has made me realise that.
So to recap: between May last year when I first started using, to December the 31st when I stopped getting drunk around people using MDMA, I probably used about 7-10g of rock and one pill.
As of now, the only thing that really bothers me is occasional anxiety. And whenever it comes, I apply this Power of Now stuff and mindfulness, and it goes away.
No brain zaps. No depression. No palpitations apart from the occasional heavy heartbeat. No brain fog. No tremors/shakes. Libido appears to be back but I've sort of cut myself off from women for the time being to focus on rebuilding myself mentally and spiritually. Tbf, erections are actually rock solid now and I can't wait to try them out. But that's something for the near future.
My darkness came from thoughts, It does not come from hormones, or anything physiological. If it did, I would not be able to roll it back like I can. And I would not have a mostly positive experience of life at the moment.
The initial catalyst for the suffering was of course, the physical changes to the brain made by MDMA. But those effects were very transient. The mental patterns it left though, are far more enduring. But that is the choice, even if it is an unconscious choice, of the person.
So imo, you guys need stop talking about MRI scans, hormones, brain damage, serotonin, dopamine. If any of this stuff applied to anyone, it would apply to me. But it doesn't. Once I relinquished the mental story about me being brain damaged from drug use, my mood began to improve and my symptoms began to fade.
