Hi guys, this is my first post on here. Basically, I'm posting because I'm in a bit of a dark place at the moment and have been for the past 3 years. I've read numerous threads of others who seem to have the same symptoms as me, in the hope I can learn more about what I'm going through. I'm 25 now.
So this is how it goes. I've never taken drugs per se, if you exclude the odd bit of weed every now and then, which was rare at that and in my summer vacations. 4 years ago I was introduced to MDMA at a festival (aged 21) and LOVED it but only tried it once that summer and didn't do it again until the following summer where I went to the same festival; again I did a very small amount over the 3 days and no more than the equivalent of 1.5-2 pills. A week later I did some more at a party and again only 0.5-0.75 of a cap. My initial experience of the drug the previous summer was so good that my attitude was, 'hey, it's summer time again, may as well have some fun'. So, 2 weeks later I had the opportunity to do MDMA again, and decided it was worth it as it was the last time I would do it for a year; this is where I think the really bad damage occured.
At the party I ended up taking 3 pills and before that I'd already had 13/14 beers - really silly in hindsight but at the time I guess it was good fun and I thought no better. I never intended to do that much and was a little naive. Anyway, ended up going to a hotel after the party, slept a little, and the following night there were a group of us together and more pills were on offer. Initially I didn't want to take any because I felt so lethargic and didn't feel up to it. In the end, I decided to take half a tab and not long after I started experiencing extreme anxiety and heart palpatations. This feeling lasted 6 hours or so and was probably one of the scariest times of my life because I thought I was going to die - obviously the extreme dehydration/lack of sleep from the previous night probably contributed to my bad experience. Eventually I managed to get some sleep and by the time I woke up the anxiety and heart palpatations had passed. My feeling was that after a good break I'd be back to normal.
Once summer was over and I was back into my final year at university I started experiencing symptoms of something I couldn't explain; extreme tiredness, memory issues, blurred vision, social anxiety, weight loss etc. It only took me so long before I put two and two together and eventually I found out from the doctor I was experiencing depression. Still though, I thought things would be back to normal eventually but I was wrong.
Today, I am STILL experiencing problems that I can only attribute to what happened 3 years ago as the symptoms started appearing around that time. My memory was outstanding before this, not that it's awful now, but just not the same. Recalling names (even people I know) is far more difficult than it used to be, and should be, and remembering the finer details of things is just far more difficult. I don't really have too much problem remembering the important stuff but the finer details (the ones that are important if you want to have a successful career) are just much more difficult to both recall and learn. Everything just seems so much slower than it did before. My social anxiety has also been dreadful at times and even doing simple things like walking down to the shops causes me problems (manifests itself in different ways, i.e. problems with eye contact and shaking etc). The other thing that is killing me is that I get so tired now from doing the smallest things; I'm talking about EXTREME exhaustion. I'd like to point out that NONE of these symptoms existed before the MDMA use.
To cut a story short, I'm worried about my future. I'm a driven person and am starting to feel that my slight experimentation is going to seriously hold me back. I'm staying positive believing these symptoms will eventually disappear but I can't see too much improvement. I'm doing all the right things; eating healthily, exercising (which makes a difference to the social anxiety) and am even taking a prescribed medication for the social anxiety (not an anti-depressant).
I didn't think that what I did was a lot but it seems it was, and in my mind, I have absolutely NO DOUBT that MDMA was the culprit. Is there anyone out there who has gone through anything similar and can help me? Sorry for the long post but I need some help badly.
Thanks for reading :D
So this is how it goes. I've never taken drugs per se, if you exclude the odd bit of weed every now and then, which was rare at that and in my summer vacations. 4 years ago I was introduced to MDMA at a festival (aged 21) and LOVED it but only tried it once that summer and didn't do it again until the following summer where I went to the same festival; again I did a very small amount over the 3 days and no more than the equivalent of 1.5-2 pills. A week later I did some more at a party and again only 0.5-0.75 of a cap. My initial experience of the drug the previous summer was so good that my attitude was, 'hey, it's summer time again, may as well have some fun'. So, 2 weeks later I had the opportunity to do MDMA again, and decided it was worth it as it was the last time I would do it for a year; this is where I think the really bad damage occured.
At the party I ended up taking 3 pills and before that I'd already had 13/14 beers - really silly in hindsight but at the time I guess it was good fun and I thought no better. I never intended to do that much and was a little naive. Anyway, ended up going to a hotel after the party, slept a little, and the following night there were a group of us together and more pills were on offer. Initially I didn't want to take any because I felt so lethargic and didn't feel up to it. In the end, I decided to take half a tab and not long after I started experiencing extreme anxiety and heart palpatations. This feeling lasted 6 hours or so and was probably one of the scariest times of my life because I thought I was going to die - obviously the extreme dehydration/lack of sleep from the previous night probably contributed to my bad experience. Eventually I managed to get some sleep and by the time I woke up the anxiety and heart palpatations had passed. My feeling was that after a good break I'd be back to normal.
Once summer was over and I was back into my final year at university I started experiencing symptoms of something I couldn't explain; extreme tiredness, memory issues, blurred vision, social anxiety, weight loss etc. It only took me so long before I put two and two together and eventually I found out from the doctor I was experiencing depression. Still though, I thought things would be back to normal eventually but I was wrong.
Today, I am STILL experiencing problems that I can only attribute to what happened 3 years ago as the symptoms started appearing around that time. My memory was outstanding before this, not that it's awful now, but just not the same. Recalling names (even people I know) is far more difficult than it used to be, and should be, and remembering the finer details of things is just far more difficult. I don't really have too much problem remembering the important stuff but the finer details (the ones that are important if you want to have a successful career) are just much more difficult to both recall and learn. Everything just seems so much slower than it did before. My social anxiety has also been dreadful at times and even doing simple things like walking down to the shops causes me problems (manifests itself in different ways, i.e. problems with eye contact and shaking etc). The other thing that is killing me is that I get so tired now from doing the smallest things; I'm talking about EXTREME exhaustion. I'd like to point out that NONE of these symptoms existed before the MDMA use.
To cut a story short, I'm worried about my future. I'm a driven person and am starting to feel that my slight experimentation is going to seriously hold me back. I'm staying positive believing these symptoms will eventually disappear but I can't see too much improvement. I'm doing all the right things; eating healthily, exercising (which makes a difference to the social anxiety) and am even taking a prescribed medication for the social anxiety (not an anti-depressant).
I didn't think that what I did was a lot but it seems it was, and in my mind, I have absolutely NO DOUBT that MDMA was the culprit. Is there anyone out there who has gone through anything similar and can help me? Sorry for the long post but I need some help badly.
Thanks for reading :D
I wasn't on anti-depressants before trying MDMA; I suppose you could say I leaned slightly towards the depressive side but nothing I couldn't handle by myself. I only considered the anti-depressants as a remedy to what I was feeling. I'm now taking Lyrica (Pregbalin) for the social anxiety by the way - does help somewhat. I know what you mean about worrying about it constantly because it only makes things worse; it's just that sometimes the symptoms become so uncontrollable that you're forced to face up to them again and it starts your mind off again over analysing things. 
