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May Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread vs April Showers bring May Sobriety

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Captain.Heroin said:
congrats! :)

in 6 days I'll have 7 months again :)

I'm doing a lot better than I was the last time I had 7 months off. I feel good about this attempt.
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Good job man. I've never really made it seven months, but this maybe i will.
 
Around February 2014, I had 60 days for the first time in...6, maybe more years. Small steps. :)

How do you feel? Are you getting sleep?
 
I'm feeling pretty good, except i get overwhelmed about life and anxious if i try to think about too much at the same time. I am getting regular sleep which is GREAT, it just happens to be during the day instead of at night, which isn't so productive to helping solve a lot of my other problems right now. Finding the motivation to get my days and nights switched back around is hard for me right now.

I know it's probably been since i was like 13, so over a couple of decades, that i actually had 60 days totally clean from everything, weed/booze everything.. the only thing i've taken have been prescribed psych meds and at the right dose. Some people probably wouldnt consider me clean, but i dont care. Even people at my NA group have seen me pre/post PRN valium and think at times it's beneficial to me. They're times i just wouldnt function or would completely shut down inside my head without it. I've been down the benzo addiction route and know the difference between abuse and therapeutic use. I'm actually trying to limit the use just to be more in line with NA dogma instead of taking the valium everyday like i would before. The mood stabilizers i take are definitely needed right now or i'd be a fucking mess.

Thanks for asking Captain. Congrats on your progress. I really hope this time will be different for me. I've tried so many times in the past and for some reason now seems like the right time to actually fucking make it work. Good luck to us both!
 
Oly and CH I think you are both doing great, and Oly, as I said before, any prescribed meds, taken as prescribed, means you are clean... in both my estimation and in the NA literature available about the issue. I made it to 30 hours before I took a pill, and a few hours later, when my stomach issues did not resolve, took one more. I did not get enough good sleep, and have a dog sitting gig today. I am back on track and it just been about 10 hours since last dose, so I took one... and that is it, regardless of symptoms, till 7-8pm this evening. No excuses. The dog and its owner were just here at my home, and the owner is gone. I am happy to have the dog's company and will use him as a distraction from my cravings. Hopefully it will stop raining and I will be able to take him for a walk. I am not giving up on this thing... I am going to continue to fight, because I know eventually I will be clean. If I quit trying, I am doomed to be taking pills until either the doctor is put out of business, or I die.
 
Thanks to everyone for the congrats and good job Poke. It hardly seems like 60 days, but it is. I really can't believe that I'm actually giving NA a shot and actually find it beneficial. I mean it's so fucking unlike me to even consider it and even more unlike me to stick with it. I'm just really tired of thinking i can recreationally use opiates, at this point it's clear i cannot. Using for a day or two and thinking i will stop is not realistic for me. I'm just realizing that now after so many wasted years haha.
 
I want to try and go 48 hours drug free as my next goal. I do have family obligations here and there so I am choosing not to do it quite yet, and Thursday is my pain clinic appt... can't be clean otherwise-I get cut off. I must test positive for oxy's to continue to get scripts. It looks like next week-end I will actually have 3 days without any commitments...I am going to put stay clean for 48 hours into my planning calendar. I want to say that I appreciate the fact that no one uses the "tough love" approach here and adheres to the SL BL guidelines. I am more critical and self deprecating than anyone else could be, so I like the acceptance I find here. I have never shared my dosage levels because they are so small I am embarrassed - one of the reasons suboxone probably may do more harm than good. I have 15 mg IR oxy, and 15 mg ER morphine. That's it.
I am so relieved I haven't gone to the streets this time around, as from everything I read on BL, I am in a good place to quit, even if I lost every pill and had to quit right this minute. Sick, yes, paws, yes... but still, very doable. I also have never run out between scripts, and my max daily ever was 75 mg oxy, and 60 mg morphine, not on the same day. I think I am practicing good harm reduction in that I am keeping the lid on the amount I take. My prescribed amounts are total of 45 mg oxy a day, 30 mg morphine a day. This also makes it easy for me to rationalize putting off quitting. But, I am going to hang in there and continue to work towards my goal of a clean life.
Happy Memorial Day!!
 
If you want to make that goal, you can do it!

I don't believe in the "tough love" approach myself. I think it'd be more appropriately termed parentalism.

You have to show people that you care. I think it's also important to point out when people are indeed hurting themselves, because people can be in denial or simply ignorant, but it's most important to have a caring attitude.
 
C.H and anyone else regretting the time they spent using... try not to consider it wasted time. I bet you learned more lessons and changed more for the better in that time than a lot of people do in their entire life. All that time you say you wasted is the reason why you've grown into the person you are now. We all have our journeys in life, some are just more of a struggle than others. You guys made it out of this fucked up addiction game, be proud of yourselves and try not to regret things that you can no longer change <3

As for me, I am back and detoxing again. On day two, I feel like shit but whatever dude. I want to actually keep my job so I'm pretty sure I'm done this time for real, because I really can't use responsibly, not for long anyway. Things are hanging by a thread right now in certain areas of my life that aren't worth sacrificing for heroin. If I don't get it together now it will be a disaster. This is literally going to make or break what happens next for me, so I'm just trying to fortify myself and get thru it :)
 
^^ it feels like you do care about us, CH. It helps me so much, b/c imo, addiction is such a shamed based disease, I don't need anyone else heaping sh&t on top of my head.
And, yet, if someone has been caring to me first, and then gives me feedback illuminating my lack of knowledge or where I may be in denial, I am much more open to it. It is a balancing act, to be sure.
 
Just want to throw this out in general:

NA/AA/CMA/CA/GA whatever program it is, the people there are not there as doctors. What they say should not be put and held in the same light as the opinion of your doctor. NA is a lay organization full of lay people. When I go there I am an "addict" only, I am not a "social worker" or "therapist". That is what I am when I step into the office of my job.


Also, NA is not a "Jesus Cult" or "Christian" or "Religious". I am none of those things and NA is what works for me. I used to get pissed off when somebody would talk about "God" as there higher power. Now I realize I was just pissed off at myself. I don't care what someone uses as their higher power now. Why? Because they let me have my higher power, which is essentially "humanities potential and The Universe we are in".

As for me, I am starting my 9th step and have made two amends today. I was supposed to go visit the GF in her new sober living house in the city. She decided she wanted to spend the week doing things with her roommates and people she met in recovery. She decided this at around 5:30 the day before I was supposed to leave. I was fucking pissed off and really upset. I have accepted it, decided to visit my family and now understand her reasoning. Do I agree with the action? No. I do not. I feel like she should make some time for me considering I have stood behind her since she went back into treatment. But that is out of my control and I cannot change that. In the long run, this will be a short "blip" on the screen. Maybe this was supposed to happen and I was supposed to make my amends. There are things that my girlfriend "covers up" for me.

Also as an addict I am obligated to do whatever is best for her recovery, even if I am her boyfriend. She is being cautious and reaching out to new people. That makes sense.

Making amends with my mother was a wonderful thing, same goes for my sister. I actually wrote my family members names in my basic text and am crossing them off as I make the amends.

Today I/We have One Year and 15 Days!!
 
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xburtonchic said:
C.H and anyone else regretting the time they spent using... try not to consider it wasted time. I bet you learned more lessons and changed more for the better in that time than a lot of people do in their entire life. All that time you say you wasted is the reason why you've grown into the person you are now. We all have our journeys in life, some are just more of a struggle than others. You guys made it out of this fucked up addiction game, be proud of yourselves and try not to regret things that you can no longer change <3

As for me, I am back and detoxing again. On day two, I feel like shit but whatever dude. I want to actually keep my job so I'm pretty sure I'm done this time for real, because I really can't use responsibly, not for long anyway. Things are hanging by a thread right now in certain areas of my life that aren't worth sacrificing for heroin. If I don't get it together now it will be a disaster. This is literally going to make or break what happens next for me, so I'm just trying to fortify myself and get thru it :)
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Not trying to be an ass, but lots of people say exactly what you are saying and still continue to use. Its because we are addicts, its very difficult to impossible for us to just "stop". No matter the consequences. Are you talking to a counselor and/or going to meetings? This forum is great, but there is something about a face to face connection.

I cannot count the number of times that I told myself "okay this and this is going to happen if I use so I am done."... then I would go use and it would happen. I didn't want to use, I really wanted to be clean, but I still used. What I wasn't willing to do was admit that I need help from somebody other then myself because I WAS THE PROBLEM.

I hope you are not offended by my words, please know I say them with the intention to help.
 
xburtonchic said:
C.H and anyone else regretting the time they spent using... try not to consider it wasted time. I bet you learned more lessons and changed more for the better in that time than a lot of people do in their entire life. All that time you say you wasted is the reason why you've grown into the person you are now. We all have our journeys in life, some are just more of a struggle than others. You guys made it out of this fucked up addiction game, be proud of yourselves and try not to regret things that you can no longer change <3

As for me, I am back and detoxing again. On day two, I feel like shit but whatever dude. I want to actually keep my job so I'm pretty sure I'm done this time for real, because I really can't use responsibly, not for long anyway. Things are hanging by a thread right now in certain areas of my life that aren't worth sacrificing for heroin. If I don't get it together now it will be a disaster. This is literally going to make or break what happens next for me, so I'm just trying to fortify myself and get thru it :)
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Congratulations on your day 2!

Try to stay strong, especially when your paycheck comes in. I'm rooting for you! <3
 
phactor -- lol not offended, no worries. I know all too well how easy it is to say I'm done and then relapse anyway. I've been on day 2 and day 3 many, many times before. I've gotten clean on my own before though, so I know I can do it again. The difference, though, is that before I didn't have anything tangible to lose if I relapsed. No job, no money... if I were to get arrested and thrown in jail it wouldn't matter because I didn't have any real obligations. The only thing I was really sacrificing was my relationships but I've learned that your real friends, and your family, will still be there for you when you finally manage to get out of the mess you put yourself in. Now I actually have real shit to lose that, like I said, I'm not willing to sacrifice for heroin. I am like 90% confident that I've got this. Rehab and detox aren't options for me, unfortunately. My job is not the sort of place where you can be as new as I am and just be like, "Hey I'm a heroin addict and I need to take a month off to go to rehab" lolno. I do have support irl too, but I find this forum to be immensely useful anyway.

C.H thank you :) I have money right now, so it's not like I can't score... and I have had people hitting me up to... so I'm not too worried about my paycheck. I will stay strong. I'm willing to suffer. Yet another thing I was never really willing to do the ten million other times I tried detoxing since I relapsed. Things are different this time, I'm telling ya
 
I'm really proud of you for having and holding down a job. I haven't had a job in so long that it's disparaging. When I one day find employment again, I'll feel much better about myself.
 
Last week of May! woow, time is running.

ALL my energy to you folks!!!
 
hi, all. in yet another attempt to remove triggers, i've been staying off BL... as i think i've mentioned before, it's tempting for me to jump a couple clicks to the "other drugs" forum to read about people shooting dope. BUT, that hasn't worked very well. the relapse i mentioned before continued for a few days after my last post. at this point i'm back to just 5 days off heroin. i can't say i have any "clean time," as i've been substituting pretty liberally. lots of weed and even a few lines of coke, which is stupid b/c i've never even liked coke. :p

nevertheless, my real goal is to kick my heroin habit (and not pick up any other nasty habits on the way. no more coke!), so i'll give myself the 5 days (silently... i see no point in lying about clean time in NA).

lots of interesting discussion about NA on this thread. i think my earlier posts sounded more negative about NA than i meant them to. like several others, i *do* find meetings and the literature very helpful. i've gone to at least one meeting a day since i started trying to kick (almost two months). i read a lot from the basic text. as other have said, NA isn't perfect, but nothing is. and it's the only game in the buttfuck-nowhere town i live in. also, i think it's better than many of the other options.

i guess the peace i have to make with myself is that the fetish that many NA members promote about clean time (total abstinence) may not be realistic for me, at least for now. i realized that i was finding it really aggravating to feel like i wasn't getting anywhere b/c i couldn't rack up clean time.

so i've decided to "give myself a break" as they say. all my effort now is on stomping down the heroin.

last thing: congratulations to those folks who *have* been able to rack up clean time. my own inability to get there doesn't mean i'm not super impressed and inspired by your hard work! keep it up.

-Sim
 
Phactor I like the way you think about the program and your attitude towards it in general. That's the type of outlook I'm trying to keep and maintain about it all and keep in regards towards the shit that life tosses at me on a daily basis. It's hard, I'm not perfect but it does seem to help and seems like my only hope at this point. I really don't see any other way out. It's like this or surrender and ride it out to the bitter end.

Sim, I honestly I have greatest respect for the people brave enough to stand up time after time and admit it's their first meeting since there last use. One of my real life friends likes to go to NA with me for her drinking, she just doesn't like the AA meetings and formats here, and she's slipped up several times. It takes real honesty, courage, desire and willingness to admit you slipped up again. Real addicts know it isn't easy and anyone with any substantial clean time most likely slipped up before they got to where they are today. The person who introduced me to the 12 step model had 5 years before she went back out, met me and brought me to my first meeting. She's slipped up 3 times since then too. If I get to a point where I don't take any valium at all I think I might start my clean clock over and I might do the same if/when I stop with the subs, but for now I consider myself clean and so does my group/sponsor.

On a personal level, I'm bewildered and bummed about my job and the month is slipping by. I'm still not sure if I'll get unemployment or not. I haven't really seriously been looking for work. I'm trying really hard to balance not taking all my problems on at once, being completely overwhelmed, panicking and saying fuck it all and not doing anything in depression and letting it all crumble around me until I'm evicted and couch surfing. I need to make progress but not be totally consumed and go crazy.

I do have some prospects and opportunities lined up, but I've fallen back into my sleep all day and stay up all night routine, which is good to at least get some sleep, but not super productive overall and leads to me isolating myself. I at least hit a meeting a day, mostly NA with some AA tossed in on days there are no NA or I miss them for other reason.

Tomorrow I actually have a reason to be up and someplace at 9:30am, to meet with an old favorite professor I worked with very closely as an undergrad. So I have a million alarms set and am going to knock myself out with some PRN meds. I'm thinking it might be a good time to start working on a masters program. I'd get student loans and it's always been in the back of my mind.

I'm considering a bizarre combination which I think I might enjoy and could provide some economic stability, getting a masters in clinical mental health counseling and a bachelor's in nursing. It'd be my third bachelor's degree but it might be an economically marketable combination and if nothing else I could always work as a RN or a counselor. The combination makes more economic sence than my prior thoughts of just getting a PhD in like political science, sociology or political-sociology, as they aren't really that marketable of degrees. Nursing/counseling somehow seems like a good combination to me, but maybe I'm just insane.

Thanks to everyone for the words of encouragement, good job to everyone making an effort and good luck to us all!
 
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