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May Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread vs April Showers bring May Sobriety

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Captain.Heroin said:
dude I'm really happy for you

you handled this well and are still clean

that's such progress man

I'm in a relationship and I don't know how I'd handle it if it ended. But I expect it will go on for a long time.
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Yeah, like I said I was totally off guard. She called me this morning and was kept saying "I hope I am making the right decision" and all of that. I cannot help but get angry over that. One of the hardest things was I waited and waited and supported her the whole time. Not that I would take that back, but its like "wait, I dealt with all this pain of having you away and the pain of you relapsing and this is what I get?" She is doing "whatever it takes" and being proactive when I look at it at the end of the day. And I do not want to cause her to go back out or anything.

Thankfully, our relationship is good and I can say all of this to her.

Its also really difficult knowing that we both still love each other and care for each other but yet somehow we are supposed to stop all of this? I literally have no idea what I am supposed to do. I haven't really been in a relationship before.

totach said:
Thanx poke yea im coming up on 100 days benzo and opaite free
I am very proud of myself it was very hard and still is and is doable
It definetly gets easier i would say at around the 3 month mark is wheb i stopped thinking about getting high all day evreyday
I think its more that once you hit 3 months you really dont want to give that time back
Also the fact that i did it myself this time without going to treatment also makes me want to keep going
I hope youre doing well dont let your relative get to you to much
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Yeah, for me doing it without treatment was a huge bonus for me. It just forced me to get out there and learn to live life without using. Of course, this involved me staying busy and going to lots of meetings and whatnot. Not something I would recommend for most.
 
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Thats amazing how strong you are phactor i have much respect for you
 
In a couple days I'll have 2 weeks off of hard drugs like LSD and molly. I'm grateful to be off them, I don't like how they make my body feel the day after I do them, plus when I abused them I went crazy. I refuse to do them again. I also vow to even after I have many many months clean from them, always remember that I had a problem with them at one point, and to never make the same mistakes I made when I continued to take them after I knew that they were bad for me. They did terrible things to me, or I should say I did terrible things to myself when I abused them. I never want to do anything bad like that to myself again, and I won't, I refuse to mistreat myself like I did when I abused those drugs. And it's not like I couldn't just do them responsibly like some people, and get away with it. I probably could, but considering all the bad things that my drug use has caused me, do I really want to take the chance? NO. I will JUST SAY NO to hard drugs.
 
I'm low on high. Ready for a change , hard drugs got me down , I know I gotta change just finding out now that all this is tied to psychological problems. In having to view everything differently
 
haven't posted for a while b/c i relapsed, and *hard* this week. something clicked in my head on monday, saying "fuck it, go cop and ride it to the bottom. burn it all the fuck down." needless to say, i'm disappointed with myself and confused. i seem to be able to get right up to 1 month clean. but just before i make it to the month mark, i lapse. though not usually this badly.

i'm not trying to make excuses; it was on me to relapse, 100%. but i've been really frustrated with my experiences at NA this week (i've still attended meetings every day). in fact, i called my guy to score immediately after a meeting. obviously, NA didn't *make* me relapse. but i do find myself wondering: isn't it plausible that taking an hour or two a day to talk about drugs is a weird way to try to quit thinking about getting high? maybe a counterproductive thing to spend time on? i've found some research that backs this idea up, though when it comes to 12-step programs, you can find research to back up almost any theory, it seems.

my other problem has been interpersonal. there's a lot in the NA Program (capital P) that i just don't identify with / believe. for example, i think it's just plain incorrect to call addiction insanity, and much of the literature does. my mom has been in and our of psych wards my whole life due to schizophrenia, and there's almost no similarity between that kind of insanity and the bad thing of a dope fiend. it seems like whenever i raise questions about the literature, the Steps, or the Traditions, old-timers chime in: you're a newcomer and you just don't understand yet. they keep pushing me to get a dictionary when i read the Literature. but come on, it's not that i don't understand the words... i just don't understand (or sometimes believe) the underlying motivation. the other chorus i hear again and again is "trust the Program, stay the course." i hate slogans. total turn-off.

sorry to vent and ramble. i haven't made up my mind about NA. there are definitely things i like about it, things that i could see being really helpful. fwiw, i did hit my thirty meetings in thirty days mark this week. but no keytag since i've been getting high.

anybody out there have similar experiences with NA?
 
Simco: Sorry to hear you relapsed. Thank you for coming back and posting about it. I think I posted my opinions and experiences about 12 meetings/groups awhile back.
I found the meetings very helpful when I was addicted to crack years ago. As you posted, nothing is perfect. You noticed that there are things you liked and other parts that did not make sense to you. You mentioned your mom is schizophrenic, and that type of insanity is quite different from the insanity they refer to in the meetings. They mean the insanity of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. TBH: I left the rooms of the meetings when it became clear to me that a bunch of people just replaced one addiction with another. Cocaine Anonymous had a large number of men who replaced cocaine addiction with sex addiction. I began to feel more and more uncomfortable the longer I was around. One of my fellow CA members actually ended up on the evening news for offering a discount at the pawn shop he worked in to attractive females who would flash their breasts at him. Being a girl, this made me so uncomfortable I eventually stopped going to meetings. However, I found them to be very helpful and I don't think I would have gotten clean so quickly without the support I found in the meetings.
 
I am getting ready to go cold turkey on Sunday, 5/17. My company is leaving Saturday afternoon YEA!!!!. Saturday night I will celebrate. Sunday, I want to stop taking my pills and see how bad my withdrawal symptoms actually are. Even I get only 2 or 3 days clean, I would be happy with that, as my taper plan went off the rails in May.
 
It's good to have a plan in my experience. Good luck on Sunday P0kemama. That's what I had to do was just set a date when I had some free time and just DO IT! My first taper didn't last long, and I used again …. but it gave me the courage and insight to know what was coming for the next. I'm kind of glad looking back it took me two times. :)
 
Girlfriend and I ended up working things out. She is going though a lot of stuff and basically was worrying about things that may or may not happen. Still going to the halfway house and all of that, which is for the best. She is only about an hour away from me so its not a huge deal.

1 Year and One Week for me!
 
For me it was more beneficial having a one on one with a Psychologist each week than going to NA/AA type meetings. We would rarely talk about drugs but much rather talk about our lives and experiences in general. I just found it nice to chat with someone who wasn't friends or family. Eventually she told me to stop wasting my money on her and that I didn't need to see her anymore. Fair enough, she was a great person and I really appreciated the help.
 
phactor said:
Girlfriend and I ended up working things out. She is going though a lot of stuff and basically was worrying about things that may or may not happen. Still going to the halfway house and all of that, which is for the best. She is only about an hour away from me so its not a huge deal.

1 Year and One Week for me!
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Congratulations on a huge milestone Phactor !
 
simco said:
haven't posted for a while b/c i relapsed, and *hard* this week. something clicked in my head on monday, saying "fuck it, go cop and ride it to the bottom. burn it all the fuck down." needless to say, i'm disappointed with myself and confused. i seem to be able to get right up to 1 month clean. but just before i make it to the month mark, i lapse. though not usually this badly.

i'm not trying to make excuses; it was on me to relapse, 100%. but i've been really frustrated with my experiences at NA this week (i've still attended meetings every day). in fact, i called my guy to score immediately after a meeting. obviously, NA didn't *make* me relapse. but i do find myself wondering: isn't it plausible that taking an hour or two a day to talk about drugs is a weird way to try to quit thinking about getting high? maybe a counterproductive thing to spend time on? i've found some research that backs this idea up, though when it comes to 12-step programs, you can find research to back up almost any theory, it seems.

my other problem has been interpersonal. there's a lot in the NA Program (capital P) that i just don't identify with / believe. for example, i think it's just plain incorrect to call addiction insanity, and much of the literature does. my mom has been in and our of psych wards my whole life due to schizophrenia, and there's almost no similarity between that kind of insanity and the bad thing of a dope fiend. it seems like whenever i raise questions about the literature, the Steps, or the Traditions, old-timers chime in: you're a newcomer and you just don't understand yet. they keep pushing me to get a dictionary when i read the Literature. but come on, it's not that i don't understand the words... i just don't understand (or sometimes believe) the underlying motivation. the other chorus i hear again and again is "trust the Program, stay the course." i hate slogans. total turn-off.

sorry to vent and ramble. i haven't made up my mind about NA. there are definitely things i like about it, things that i could see being really helpful. fwiw, i did hit my thirty meetings in thirty days mark this week. but no keytag since i've been getting high.

anybody out there have similar experiences with NA?
Click to expand...

I haven't posted much lately either. Mostly i've been down about getting fired and trying to figure out why getting clean seems to coincide with everything in my life getting considerably worse, but i digress into egotism.

A member in my NA group shared about a member whom every day went to meetings with a rig full of dope all ready to go in the glove box of his car, so he could at least say he was clean for the day before he immediately left the meeting and fixed. So you're definitely making progress. A keychain is a plastic trinket which ultimately means nothing in your struggle to get sober.

I have a lot of issues with the NA programs and I bring them up, most old timers don't like to hear them or get slightly annoyed, but i dont care. For me debate and fluidity in every aspect of life is crucial and there is no "ultimate" way things "must" be done. The concept that addiction treatment is static and cannot grow and change is just ridiculous.

Imagine if we took that approach to the field of medicine? We'd still be bleeding people and using leaches without things like antibiotics or the concept of sterilization. I know i sent you the link to the article on SMART recovery from the Humanist magazine. Are you lucky enough to have any local meetings? I cant remember if you replied yes or no.

I keep going back to NA because it's my best option at this point. The people and support i find there are very helpful to me and i honestly believe not all of them, even the meeting chairs and long time members, believe in 100% of the dogma. We sound similar in so many ways, i tried many times to get clean, but i never made it near a month. I finally just went with subs and i honestly think it's been the best decision i've made in years. I've kicked H and other opiates a million times and a figure a slow sub taper when i'm ready cant be worse than the Xanax taper i did as a kid.

I've never been to treatment, and being recently fired i'm considering actually trying to see if i can on my own terms. It kind of depends on if i get unemployment or not. I might be the first person ever to attend not on a court order, but i think it might be a huge benefit in learning how to live sober and do some corrective thinking and changing my thought process which i think will be vital in learning to live drug free long term.

Keep fighting bud. We all know it ain't easy.. but somehow some people manage and we're join them one fucking day.
 
To be succesful with the 12 steps you have to be willing to make the program work for you. NA is far from perfect but its the best option for me. But the benefits outweigh the negatives big time. Also, you can always ignore the idiots and advice/suggestions that do not make sense. I remember that at one point I would get so upset or pissed off at someone who made an idiotic suggestion or told me that I couldn't get clean. This was when I first got clean. As time went on, I just learned to ignore what doesn't apply to me. Its early and I have no had my coffee yet but I could go on all day about this stuff.

I am speaking at an NA event today.
 
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