I used to be an heavy smoker and psychedelic user. Over time I had a moment where I stopped almost completely. Through a variety of experiences I slowly started to remove myself from both the people and the drugs themselves. During so was a slight growing up moment in my mind which put a negative mindset on even basic usage. Ultimately this makes it to where when I do smoke I judge the fact that I went back to something I thought I've grown out of which has a negative impact on a perceptive mentality that your no longer akin to. Think about it as a double negative, and at times, yes, hard to control. However, if I catch myself in the right moment of not giving a fuck then I enjoy myself without any depressive side effects. Ease of mind, lack of need to control. So literally you play mind games with yourself. I like to tell myself that because I don't do this much anymore that it's not a negative thing. But the truth is my subconscious plays a role that I almost can't control and usually says that I just made a boo boo your older now, look at the losers still thinking that it's cool, blah blah. You really go into a mentality that you forget about and makes you uncomfortable. Realizing that you miss it but it shouldn't be there. So to put in plainly... Your just playing a game that you already know how to win to but are unwilling to admit to because it scares you. That it opens your perception, and also can block it. So use wisely. And willingly. Not just because. Because if you've hit this point, then it's a tool now, and not a teacher.