aneverday thing, and soon enough I'm downing 4-6 5 gram doses each day. For awhile it was expensive because when I started I would do 15 g at a time afterwork in the evenings, but I soon realized that less is more, and that smallerdoses work well also. For the first summer I was on it, I would buy stuff atthe head shop and spend tons of money on it. I eventually realized I couldorder online for much cheaper and started getting kilos of leaf powder. Thiswas when it really took off. I went through 2 kg in one semester of school(last semester), and ended up running out before finals. I also ran out ofmoney around this time too. So I didn't have enough to buy quantity, andended up donating plasma at biolife as much as I could to buy head shop stuff.I knew I could get it cheaper online, but the shop is like 4 blocks from myhouse so it was like hmmm do I want kratom now or do I want it in a week? So Iended up broke at the end of the semester. I still paid my bills and stuff andpaid for food and such, but I had no spending money.
I resolved to quit over winter break, but I had to go through withdrawls. And Ihad to work. These two suck together. I tried to have my last dose the fridaymorning before my last final, went through withdrawls over theweekend, and managed to work the next week just fine, so me thinks I'm ok.WRONG. Got more, spent more, 11 days go by. I ended up saying no thankssir I've had enough. Withdrawls again. 3 days that felt like a month.Another 3 days working that took every ounce of will power I had just to getup in the morning. I kept telling myself, constantly, be strong, bestrong, BE STRONG. Those 6 days felt like a month easily. Then it goteasier, but still kinda sucky. This whole time I was working avery mentally and physically intense job. It got easier by a littleevery day, but only in the past few weeks have I began to feel normal. Neverreally got depressed, it just felt like everything was a drag.
I started running a few times every week, writing in my journal, sometimesgoing from one activity to the next within 5 minutes just to keep my mindoccupied. The minute something got boring (which was quick), I just didsomething else. I think this helped for the first few weeks. The journal helpstoo, I like to write poems about being strong and overcoming challenges andsuch. I read them to myself in moments of weakness and that seems to help. Ialso like to draw in my notebook. There's this one I have that has a little guywalking up a mountain and along the trail there trail signs for the different(in my mind) stages of recovery, like despair, fear, need, want, change,and finally rebirth. Along the path are little rocks of hope. At the topthere is a sunset and a sort of monument with the word REBIRTH on it. Ilike looking at that one. I've marked different points on the trail with dates.Little stupid stuff like that keeps me sane, along with this forum. I hope Ican share a bit of what has helped me along the way with others here.
Sorry for the long post, I hope I didn't bore you too much. I just wanted tointroduce myself to some people who understand what it's like and all.
Peace and Love
Clarity12