In a relationship, meeting old friends who are exs- would you allow it?

[ForEverAfter]

I agree with some of what Uber / dopemaster said, but I resent men being reduced to mindless fuck machines like that. And I don't like what you guys said about women, either. It's not true about (most of) the people I've known in my life... I'm totally comfortable with my girlfriend hanging out with her mates, for example, even though I know she's had sex with more than a couple of them.

while chicks love to delude themselves about our intentions in the sage words of my 10th grade health teacher, if a guy goes out of his way to be friendly with a girl he's almost certainly at least somewhat attracted to her. So basically there's a fair chance these guys' aims will be to get in your pants and see you break up with your BF

You shouldn't feel paranoid about your male friends wanting to fuck you, OP, nor should you - for any reason - feel the need to sever ties to people simply because you've had sex with them in the past... Unless you happen to be in high school, in which case that sort of thing is - probably - a social expectation, to some extent.

Another note: people on the internet don't know much about your relationship... When people make assumptions about you, or your relationship, or your friend's (probable) intent to fuck you, please take it with a grain of salt... There are too many people around here, quick to inappropriately diagnose situations that they (probably) shouldn't.

I really would think there is something wrong with a relationship if the guy is sitting at home and his gf is at the bar kicking it with dudes she used to date/fuck. It is disrespectful on her part. It makes her look like a slut and it makes the dude look like he is being played. There really ain't shit innocent about getting drunk with your ex.

It isn't disrespectful for you to go have some platonic fun with your mates, just because you've had sex with them.
It doesn't make you look like a slut... On the contrary, it makes dopemaster look insecure (no offence) for stating it.
We're not living in the 1950s. If you want to go out, I say go out. But don't do it behind your boyfriend's back.

And, if something does happen, that means - ultimately - your relationship isn't meant to be.
Women don't need to wear chastity belts or be chained up, away from prospective challengers.
You know more than the people on this forum, whether or not you are likely to cheat.
If your boyfriend doesn't trust you, that is an issue.

It sounds like, from some of the responses on this thread, that men and women are not to be trusted.
That alcohol combined with former partners means somebody is going to cheat.
I think this is utter bullshit, for the record.

I'm capable of hanging out with ex sexual-partners and having ABSOLUTELY no interest in fucking them, because I'm in a (relatively happy) monogamous relationship and I have no interest (drunk or otherwise) being with anybody else.

(I'm male, by the way.)

I feel sorry for those that aren't mature enough to even comprehend how two people can split up but still maintain a platonic relationship.

Me too.

 

[dopemaster]

I didn't really agree with Uber saying all men is after is sex.

I mean sex is a part of dating. Cuddling should be optional.

Putting up with utter bullshit from your SO is just pathetic.

It sounds like the relationship has run its course and anyone who holds on to a thread just is pitiful. It is what it is. In the OP's case it sounds like she is ready to move on and putting a significant amount of distance between them as well.

So the relationship is basically over and the OP's doesn't want to hurt the him but does even more by not just saying it is over and plus they probably have a place together and well it is gonna be expensive to move out if she doesn't have someone to move in with.

I hate to say it but I kind just stopped having sex with a chick for a while because we were done emotionally and physically but I really didn't want to be like GTFO so I put it off for a while and it probably made it harder on both of us. She didn't have anywhere to go, but after she went on a date with some other dude I thanked my lucky stars and said "How could you do this to me?" even though she insisted she didn't fuck him and I actually believed her but I just needed a good reason to break up with her and there it was.

 

[ForEverAfter]

That's not what it sounds like to me.
The OP's situation is complex and she hasn't indicated - in any way - that she's ready to leave her significant other.

Her boyfriend stayed with her, through a series of serious medical complications.
The only thing indicating that there's a problem is him feeling self-conscious / uncomfortable with his girlfriend hanging out with ex-lovers.
This isn't an indication that the relationship is over. You're reading between the lines.

People on SL&R have a tendency to react like daytime talk show audiences.
"You got to kick him to the curb, baby!"
"Dump that zero and find yourself a hero!"
etc.

Really, we know very little about their relationship and it is inappropriate to give that sort of advice.
(IMO)

I hate to say it but I kind just stopped having sex with a chick for a while because we were done emotionally and physically but I really didn't want to be like GTFO so I put it off for a while and it probably made it harder on both of us. She didn't have anywhere to go, but after she went on a date with some other dude I thanked my lucky stars and said "How could you do this to me?" even though she insisted she didn't fuck him and I actually believed her but I just needed a good reason to break up with her and there it was.

Your personal anecdotal experiences don't represent other people's relationships.

...

edit: There's no reason to (indirectly) call anyone pathetic or pitiful. It's uncalled for.

 

[pofacedhoe]

People on SL&R have a tendency to react like daytime talk show audiences.

looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

trudat. mmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhhmmmm

 

[Mariposa]

kace, I wish you the best with your health, first. Pneumonia is awful. I'm in the last stages of getting over it and though I'm getting progressively stronger and healthier, it will be a rough road for a bit longer. Please be sure to take in loads of fluids, healthy food, avoid alcohol/other drugs, and get sufficient rest. Now really isn't the time to go to the pubs for that reason. It DOES get better.

It is my (humble) opinion, from your initial and your subsequent post, that your partner is trying to control you.

This is clearly anecdotal. In a previous relationship, I was totally freaked out that he retained contact with his ex-girlfriend. He's known her over 20 years. No matter how many times he assured me that while they remained close friends, they hadn't been involved in 5+ years. I felt totally intimidated at the thought of meeting her at first. Now, she and I are friends... he and I are not

There are few things more difficult than to defend oneself against false accusations. Please communicate with your boyfriend about how you feel that he's controlling your behavior. Sure, he stuck by you through some tough health issues, but that doesn't give him license to dictate your life choices. Please never stay with someone because you feel you lack support otherwise. Please reach out to your friends. And please, beat that pneumonia! Best of health and courage to you.

 

[ForEverAfter]

This is the only post the OP made, where she mentioned her boyfriend at all.

Basically, I've got a few friends that I went out with (years ago!). I see them all as friends, nothing else. My social life is very bleak at the moment as my boyfriend doesn't like me seeing any of them, so I stopped asking if I could about a year ago. Now though, I'm getting bored staying in, and just want to go out to the pub with my old friends! (My partner hates pubs and going out).

Is it wrong for me to see my old friends and catch up? Or is it being disloyal to my bf? :/ I don't want to start any arguments or drama, I just want to go out..

I don't know how you can conclude that it sounds like he's controlling her from that, when:

a) You just said she shouldn't go to the pub right now, for medical reasons. (Why shouldn't she? Aren't you controlling her?)
and b) Many people on this thread have indicated that they would be wary about "letting" their partner go to the pub with ex-lovers.

It is my (humble) opinion, from your initial and your subsequent post, that your partner is trying to control you.

Initial and subsequent post? What?
The boyfriend was only mentioned once.

There is no indication that he doesn't want her to go out, just that he doesn't feel comfortable with her seeing male friends she used to have sex with. This is an issue, but it is not an indication that he's controlling her... It sounds more like an insecurity issue... For all we know, he's a lovely guy and their relationship is (otherwise) solid.

I don't know why people are so quick to judge and/or condemn other people's relationships based on scraps of information.

that doesn't give him license to dictate your life choices

I agree she needs to talk to her boyfriend about being able to see her ex-lovers socially, but WTF?
Dictate her life choices? That's a bit much, isn't it? You're extrapolating all sorts of shit from a single sentence.

 

[rm-rf]

I would never deprive my partner of seeing any of her friends, and Id never have a partner that wouldnt let me see any one of my friends.

 

[Pagey]

Well my fiancé and I have no issues whatsoever about seeing exes once in a while - as long as it's not on a really regular basis and they don't stay the weekend or something. Also obviously it has to be an ex that's never been disrespectful to the new partner. But it's really just a matter of trust and I think anyone who's not comfortable with it needs to work on their self-confidence.

 

[Smoky]

He seems unsure of himself if he is attempting to hold you back from your freedom for his own insecurities. Or if he feels threatened by you or your choices in anyway, that don't apply to him. If you have no motive and your friends are just friends, then by all means go out with them. I'm still friends with my x's. We don't hang out much but it wouldn't be a problem if we did. One just wrote me and needs serious help with an issue. He is with someone now

I would just go out once feel it out, and if not, then just meet some new folks, there are many avenues to do so.
Indeed discuss it with him first. Tell him you love him… and it's not about him… Talk it out first

 

[Erikmen]

He seems unsure of himself if he is attempting to hold you back from your freedom for his own insecurities. Or if he feels threatened by you or your choices in anyway, that don't apply to him. If you have no motive and your friends are just friends, then by all means go out with them. I'm still friends with my x's. We don't hang out much but it wouldn't be a problem if we did. One just wrote me and needs serious help with an issue. He is with someone now

I would just go out once feel it out, and if not, then just meet some new folks, there are many avenues to do so.
Indeed discuss it with him first. Tell him you love him… and it's not about him… Talk it out first

Exactly. Just don't let yourself be annulled by your relationship. That will be hight "costly" as you mature.