I'm not likely to get that money or if I do it wouldn't be any time soon. I'm just taking things one day at a time hoping changes can be made learning even further just how much I've been screwed being that 14.4k$... I probably wouldn't have ever had a month with problems if I had that extra 200 a month in the past. I doubt justice will happen, but I need to check into it. If my rent was reduced next month that would help immensely, but unfortunately I don't see it happening.
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I'm going to overdose with the next month once I obtain the heroin
- Thread starter tacodude
- Start date
So only was convinced further today my plans next week are the way to go... The Dr mainly smiled and nodded barely acknowledging what's going on within my spine saying he'll see what he can do about imaging meaning he's not going to do anything blaming insurance. He did make sure to write I'm still not taking the SNRI, but as if I'm "refusing" to take it "still" without saying it was because I had bad effects from tramadol that prevent me from taking it even in withdrawals. He also pretty much doubled down pushing me to use methadone or suboxone to ween off at a drug treatment facility because they are used in pain management where neither work as bupe only touches my pain if I'm lucky with cannabis although is never stable pain management while causing insomnia and methadone they won't even discuss split dosing without me letting then increase my tolerance to 100 mg daily level when I do not want my dependency to become that severe, which they don't acknowledge as their attitude is if I am willing to become dependent then I must be willing to become extremely dependent.
Fuck this bullshit.... 1 more week
Fuck this bullshit.... 1 more week
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2009
- Messages
- 1,727
Don't kill yourself. Find some strength. Be a man. Shoulder your burden. You are not special or different. You haven't got a unique kind of suffering that nobody else has gone through. There are people enduring worse pain than you that don't have the access to *any* kind of opioid, yet here you are, living privileged in the West, abusing heroin and abandoning the multitudinous other options presented to you because it has to be perfect for tacoman. You have a lot to offer the world, I can tell that from your posts, but you're stuck in an extremely selfish mindset. That's why this pantomime has gone on for 5 pages, and you're more than happy to drag it out for longer, continually harping on about how tortured you are and how unjust your situation is and how you're in pain and you're gonna kill yourself. "Me me me me me". Perhaps you'd be in a better situation if you realised you aren't the centre of the universe and looked outwards, try and overcome your self-obsession just enough to peek behind your self-imposed veil of ignorance and blindness to see that there are people much worse off than you, there are people in your life who would probably be devastated if you killed yourself, yet you toy with the idea because the government won't give you your custom opioid script when you stamp your feet and demand it. Don't you see how selfish you're being? The fucked thing is you're obviously intelligent and perceptive, yet you're in this thread acting like a child.
Don't kill yourself tacoman. Even if nobody else cares (and I doubt that), we care.
FLEXURE
Bluelighter
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- Jun 12, 2016
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"tacodude".
I know you and "Rio Fantastic", among some others, have had "disagreements" in this "Thread". I'm not one to "take sides" unless I see someone being grossly abused, given terrible advise, etc.
In his "Post" above, he has made some valid points which would be a bit difficult to argue with.
Actually, it seems he is understanding about how you feel, but is pointing out how all of us may feel "our own brand of suffering" is worse than anybody else's at times. If he told me that, I might not "Like It", but I couldn't honesty say he was wrong.
You DO seem "intelligent and perceptive", and the world could sure use more people who are.
More than once I've had moments where in a way I felt like "Nobody else can possibly be hurting as badly as this.", or, "Nobody else can be going through anything like this.".
There were also times I felt if one more person told me to just "Hang In There", I'd rip their freaking face off.
It's not necessarily you're fault you don't i
I know you and "Rio Fantastic", among some others, have had "disagreements" in this "Thread". I'm not one to "take sides" unless I see someone being grossly abused, given terrible advise, etc.
In his "Post" above, he has made some valid points which would be a bit difficult to argue with.
Actually, it seems he is understanding about how you feel, but is pointing out how all of us may feel "our own brand of suffering" is worse than anybody else's at times. If he told me that, I might not "Like It", but I couldn't honesty say he was wrong.
You DO seem "intelligent and perceptive", and the world could sure use more people who are.
More than once I've had moments where in a way I felt like "Nobody else can possibly be hurting as badly as this.", or, "Nobody else can be going through anything like this.".
There were also times I felt if one more person told me to just "Hang In There", I'd rip their freaking face off.
It's not necessarily you're fault you don't i
mmediately
think about the others who are hurting just as much, or worse, than you are when you're in severe pain.
The "Human Mind" is "wired" for self-preservation. In a way, it goes into a form of "Triage Mode" when we're in severe pain. We tend to focus on that pain, in order address whatever's causing it. If the pain is bad enough, it's not uncommon to somewhat seem as though nothing else matters. This may include others who are hurting, who would then become secondary, or even seem non-existent, in comparison to our own pain, at least until we get ourselves stabilized enough to where we're able to help them. It's kind of like "Human Neuropsychology 101".
So sometimes there's not much relief, if any, of our own pain and suffering, by knowing other people are going through something every bit as bad, and sadly, for many, something much worse.
But very many of them make it. I wish I could say all of them did, or do, but I've seen too much where there wasn't much hope. "Hands were tied", and it felt like the only thing left to do was to make them as comfortable as possible during their
last moments of life as mortal beings. They didn't want to die. They didn't have a choice. You do.The "Human Mind" is "wired" for self-preservation. In a way, it goes into a form of "Triage Mode" when we're in severe pain. We tend to focus on that pain, in order address whatever's causing it. If the pain is bad enough, it's not uncommon to somewhat seem as though nothing else matters. This may include others who are hurting, who would then become secondary, or even seem non-existent, in comparison to our own pain, at least until we get ourselves stabilized enough to where we're able to help them. It's kind of like "Human Neuropsychology 101".
So sometimes there's not much relief, if any, of our own pain and suffering, by knowing other people are going through something every bit as bad, and sadly, for many, something much worse.
But very many of them make it. I wish I could say all of them did, or do, but I've seen too much where there wasn't much hope. "Hands were tied", and it felt like the only thing left to do was to make them as comfortable as possible during their
You are nowhere near the point where there's "not much hope". Sure, you might feel that way, but you're not. Don't be so fast to "write yourself off" as just another statistic. You're worth much more than that.
There's also the fact that we're all going to die sometime, whether we want to or not. Part of mortal life is death. Without getting into Religion, where we have our own personal beliefs, do you know exactly what's on "the other side"? Probably not. We'll all find out eventually. That day will come soon enough. Why rush it? That wouldn't even make a little sense. It's not like if you find out you don't like it you can turn around and come back. As bad as you may feel at times, "the other side" might even be every bit as bad, or worse. If that's the case, you better at least make absolutely every attempt to enjoy what you have, while you still have it.
I'm looking back over what I just wrote, and it might look like I'm just trying to "convince you" not to kill yourself. It's more than that. These are some of the things I've thought about for a very long time, and I'm only writing out "The Simple Version".
With all that being said, at times, living life "one day at a time", just might be the best way to live.
Please Keep In Touch.
R.
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I'm too depressed to post here... People keep getting things wrong thinking the worst of me because they can't just take take my fucking words at face value and have to assume I'm lying about something as there's no way someone who has control over their use and has proven it many times would be treated as a drug addict with every health issue denied without any attempt to diagnose, but that's the case. I'm treated as if I'm less than human and I used to accept the idea that everyone else has that I was young and even if anything was wrong it would get better as long as I keep living life society wants from me in order to earn income to live my own life. I see now I'm just a fucking societal American slave. Everywhere around me everyone gets what they need or they wither away on the streets attacking me and others like me to survive. I can't do either. All I can do is exist until I die.
It will be Wednesday night I will overdose. If that doesn't work I'll save one dose to get me out of withdrawals and one xanax to allow me to just act without a care so I can go jump where they will have to scrape my dead body from the pavement. It's over.... There's no hope for me left in this life. Maybe the next life if there is one.
I recorded everything I needed to record. I just can't do this anymore. I just have to hope I am able to initiate respiratory depression in my sleep so I die in peace and not in agony and regret.
It will be Wednesday night I will overdose. If that doesn't work I'll save one dose to get me out of withdrawals and one xanax to allow me to just act without a care so I can go jump where they will have to scrape my dead body from the pavement. It's over.... There's no hope for me left in this life. Maybe the next life if there is one.
I recorded everything I needed to record. I just can't do this anymore. I just have to hope I am able to initiate respiratory depression in my sleep so I die in peace and not in agony and regret.
zephyr
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
- Messages
- 19,591
Taco dude, this might not mean much coming from an internet stranger but I think youre a bloody good person- you know your shit, you are smart and are very capable of helping other people with their problems and are just as capable of navigating the life you have been given.
Being an addict who knows they are an addict is not such a bad thing. If you were in denial it would be a lot harder to figure out the difference between addiction symptoms and your physical injury pain.
I strongly suggest you manage your addiction just so you dont get withdrawal symptoms and stay physically capable of finding a solution to your injury.
You really do have to persist and insist on getting that sorted and if that means saving up and paying cash for tests and treatment then that is what you must do.
No medico will magically go out of their way to gelp anyone unless they get something for it, thats just life and applies to everyone.
You put yourself first, no one else or their dumb opinion of addicts matters.
So get on the net and get quotes from doctors who will tell you costs and treatments. Have small short term goals. Dying is not a goal, its an opt out.
Being an addict who knows they are an addict is not such a bad thing. If you were in denial it would be a lot harder to figure out the difference between addiction symptoms and your physical injury pain.
I strongly suggest you manage your addiction just so you dont get withdrawal symptoms and stay physically capable of finding a solution to your injury.
You really do have to persist and insist on getting that sorted and if that means saving up and paying cash for tests and treatment then that is what you must do.
No medico will magically go out of their way to gelp anyone unless they get something for it, thats just life and applies to everyone.
You put yourself first, no one else or their dumb opinion of addicts matters.
So get on the net and get quotes from doctors who will tell you costs and treatments. Have small short term goals. Dying is not a goal, its an opt out.
rainyday107
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 14, 2015
- Messages
- 266
Tacodude,
Just stopping by to let you know you are in my thoughts.
No judging, I promise...I was wondering if your BPD is symptomatic? right now? I?m not sure how to word it. Have you tried DBT for it?
I do not have BPD, but my friend has it and it is very painful for her. I have bipolar disorder myself, rapid-cycling plus chronic pain. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)...mindfulness, radical acceptance, etc. There?s a lot of info on the Internet via a Google search.
My friend with BPD finds mindfulness helpful, but it is still a daily struggle to be understood by others, fight suicidal ideations, and she self-medicates to escape, sometimes.
When I saw your self-harm picture, I thought about BPD. I *think* you posted you have BPD...please ignore this if I am incorrect. I?m posting to show support.
I can?t say I?m in your shoes, but I do relate to emotional and physical pain, addiction, family problems, lack of support...etc. I do not know if it will help, but please know you?re in my thoughts and I?m sending positivity your way. And I don’t know what is up with the question marks, aarrgh!
Just stopping by to let you know you are in my thoughts.
No judging, I promise...I was wondering if your BPD is symptomatic? right now? I?m not sure how to word it. Have you tried DBT for it?
I do not have BPD, but my friend has it and it is very painful for her. I have bipolar disorder myself, rapid-cycling plus chronic pain. DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)...mindfulness, radical acceptance, etc. There?s a lot of info on the Internet via a Google search.
My friend with BPD finds mindfulness helpful, but it is still a daily struggle to be understood by others, fight suicidal ideations, and she self-medicates to escape, sometimes.
When I saw your self-harm picture, I thought about BPD. I *think* you posted you have BPD...please ignore this if I am incorrect. I?m posting to show support.
I can?t say I?m in your shoes, but I do relate to emotional and physical pain, addiction, family problems, lack of support...etc. I do not know if it will help, but please know you?re in my thoughts and I?m sending positivity your way. And I don’t know what is up with the question marks, aarrgh!
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If you're talking about BiPolar Disorder I do not have anything like that. I just have issues recognizing differences in others look and voice patterns affecting my ability to interact socially were I can not read emotions right while I am in tune more so and express them stronger than most.... I think too clearly to just accept taking any drug as an ignorant person would be able to do for treatment.
I'm tired of trying to find anyone who will treat me like a human being that has a role in society as a doctor. I have nowhere left to go. I just want it all to end. As long as I'm alive it never will because in real life I'm treated so negatively I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I just want to die so I'll go at the xanax and alcohol slowly while slowly injecting more and more heroin until I feel my breathing become shallow and then I will just fall asleep hoping that I won't wake up.
I've told pretty much everyone around me about my plans and it seems no one wants to make the effort to even go to the hospital or my doctors office to keep me company and advocate for me so they don't pull corrupted games and neglect me. Whatever though I'm done with it all. Even when I was 4 or 5 I banged my head on the wall saying "I want to die, I want to die." Nothings improved since then. I want to forget all these painful memories and I want my broken body to stop hurting even if it means ending it all.
Just 6 more days and it will all be over. I'll reveal my name and the info for dragoncove so people can go to the dream mart forum and add on to my post complaining about the fact he took my last money, my last opportunity to live, and rather than send the heroin I ordered he sent fentanyl when he had no reason to and called me a scammer blacklisting me pulling a selective scam. It's complete bullshit. Everyone just wants to take advantage of me for their own gain because I'm weak. Well no longer... I'll kill myself and that will be that.
I'm tired of trying to find anyone who will treat me like a human being that has a role in society as a doctor. I have nowhere left to go. I just want it all to end. As long as I'm alive it never will because in real life I'm treated so negatively I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I just want to die so I'll go at the xanax and alcohol slowly while slowly injecting more and more heroin until I feel my breathing become shallow and then I will just fall asleep hoping that I won't wake up.
I've told pretty much everyone around me about my plans and it seems no one wants to make the effort to even go to the hospital or my doctors office to keep me company and advocate for me so they don't pull corrupted games and neglect me. Whatever though I'm done with it all. Even when I was 4 or 5 I banged my head on the wall saying "I want to die, I want to die." Nothings improved since then. I want to forget all these painful memories and I want my broken body to stop hurting even if it means ending it all.
Just 6 more days and it will all be over. I'll reveal my name and the info for dragoncove so people can go to the dream mart forum and add on to my post complaining about the fact he took my last money, my last opportunity to live, and rather than send the heroin I ordered he sent fentanyl when he had no reason to and called me a scammer blacklisting me pulling a selective scam. It's complete bullshit. Everyone just wants to take advantage of me for their own gain because I'm weak. Well no longer... I'll kill myself and that will be that.
FLEXURE
Bluelighter
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- Jun 12, 2016
- Messages
- 59
"tacodude"
"Gain your composure and go jump to your death."?
I, and others, have attempted to point out the many options you have, and you're still not getting it.
You cannot be thinking as clearly as I feel you are capable of.
Even if you do make the decision to "jump", for crying out loud, make that decision with a clear mind.
I don't want you to be falling through the air, and suddenly think: "Holy Shit. I wish I wouldn't have done that."
Call 911, Crisis Intervention, a Suicide Hot-Line, or whatever else might be in place for help, even it's only enough to help to get your head straight.
These services are in place for the large number of people who feel the same way you are feeling right now, but somewhere inside them they know suicide is not the best answer.
R.
"Gain your composure and go jump to your death."?
I, and others, have attempted to point out the many options you have, and you're still not getting it.
You cannot be thinking as clearly as I feel you are capable of.
Even if you do make the decision to "jump", for crying out loud, make that decision with a clear mind.
I don't want you to be falling through the air, and suddenly think: "Holy Shit. I wish I wouldn't have done that."
Call 911, Crisis Intervention, a Suicide Hot-Line, or whatever else might be in place for help, even it's only enough to help to get your head straight.
These services are in place for the large number of people who feel the same way you are feeling right now, but somewhere inside them they know suicide is not the best answer.
R.
I've thought about the regret aspect after decision a lot. That's why I wanted to overdose in my sleep where I wouldn't notice it in the moment. I am not going to be able to do that though. I didn't get the money today I thought I would and that puts me in an extremely bad position. Even if I call a suicide hotline or crisis intervention all they will to is tell me to figure it out myself and bounce back everything I say. They are the worst for someone in my type of crisis that needs action and not talk. I'm going to jump.... I've thought of jumping from this spot for it a while as it's the longest drop over cement at least 100 ft. I wish it were a building so I can jump off a roof in privacy where I have time to build myself up and not somewhere where as soon as I start I have to finish before someone stops me. I don't care though. I'm not going through another day of this hell because I can't physically do what's necessary to earn the finances to do anything to fix my problems and I'm alone in this fucked up world. I'm already living hell so it can't get any worse
Hopefully I keep getting fronted what I need to get through the weekend. I'm going to end my life by Wednesday. I just hope I can do it peacefully by overdose. I just want to die at this point. I'm tired of all the lies saying there will be help. I'm just done.
rainyday107
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 14, 2015
- Messages
- 266
I was speaking of Borderline Personality Disorder, tacodude. But it sounds like you’re describing autism.
Never mind. Hopefully the “ignorant” comment wasn’t personal in regard to my bipolar disorder, but we are all entitled to our own opinion. I got me.
Have you attempted before?
Youre in the US? Suicide hotlines will help you. I used to work for one for years. You can call now just to talk. You don’t have to be on the brink of crisis...but hotlines can help you there, too.
If you want emergency services, you can 100% get it, man. Seriously. Right now.
Never mind. Hopefully the “ignorant” comment wasn’t personal in regard to my bipolar disorder, but we are all entitled to our own opinion. I got me.
Have you attempted before?
Youre in the US? Suicide hotlines will help you. I used to work for one for years. You can call now just to talk. You don’t have to be on the brink of crisis...but hotlines can help you there, too.
If you want emergency services, you can 100% get it, man. Seriously. Right now.
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Ignorant was just because ignorance is rewarded here while educated people are met with distrust and accusations of being educated to manipulate.
I didn't think of personality disorder, but it still doesn't match
Even if I had a phone that could make phone calls those hotlines never do anything besides try to talk me out of it the moment thoughts, but there is never real effort to take any action probably because they don't have ability or connections. My plans still continue to look as though it is the only one that will free be as there is not another option I see I haven't tried with more support only to fail so there's no way it would be and different. I'm ready to die if I can't fix this situation soon.
I didn't think of personality disorder, but it still doesn't match
Even if I had a phone that could make phone calls those hotlines never do anything besides try to talk me out of it the moment thoughts, but there is never real effort to take any action probably because they don't have ability or connections. My plans still continue to look as though it is the only one that will free be as there is not another option I see I haven't tried with more support only to fail so there's no way it would be and different. I'm ready to die if I can't fix this situation soon.
rainyday107
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 14, 2015
- Messages
- 266
Hotlines absolutely have the ability and connections, they do. I’m not going to belabor the point. There of course is 911, but I know you know that.
Or, you can print this thread out, go to the ER....you will receive help. I just am worried, tacodude, as I know you are in crisis and rightfully so...it’s unfair. We just want you to be safe and I am confident you will not be turned away.
I feel very comfortable stating this as a prior IP patient and also legally it’s required that you not be turned away. (I will stop on the legal stuff, as I know legal advice is against the rules.)
I feel ignorant yet I’m educated, lol. (Not making light of your situation, at all, just poking fun at myself.). I am serious about help at the Emergency room.
You’ll be in their care, even if that means waiting a bit for a room to be available for you. They will take care of you through this critical time and not release you because they are “full” or “can’t help you.” You will not be leaving the premises during this crisis. It’s a matter of communication with the ER staff. If you go, pack a bag with comfortable clothes and some books/magazines. You will be given a journal.
As much as IP sucks, I have found that it has given me time to reflect when actively suicidal (suicidal ideations, a plan is made, with serious intention to carry out the plan). Everything is taken care of, food, etc.
IP will keep you safe and release loads of pressure ... that burden and stress has no place in IP. Hospitals aren’t perfect, but a treatment team will be there for you and you can reflect safely in a therapeutic setting. You can think about how you want to proceed in a safe environment where the stress is gone. Aftercare? Up to you.
Well, thinking about you. Just posting as a show of support to you. I hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing. I will read and keep you in my thoughts. I don’t want to pester you with posts, that’s not my intention. Take care, rainy
Or, you can print this thread out, go to the ER....you will receive help. I just am worried, tacodude, as I know you are in crisis and rightfully so...it’s unfair. We just want you to be safe and I am confident you will not be turned away.
I feel very comfortable stating this as a prior IP patient and also legally it’s required that you not be turned away. (I will stop on the legal stuff, as I know legal advice is against the rules.)
I feel ignorant yet I’m educated, lol. (Not making light of your situation, at all, just poking fun at myself.). I am serious about help at the Emergency room.
You’ll be in their care, even if that means waiting a bit for a room to be available for you. They will take care of you through this critical time and not release you because they are “full” or “can’t help you.” You will not be leaving the premises during this crisis. It’s a matter of communication with the ER staff. If you go, pack a bag with comfortable clothes and some books/magazines. You will be given a journal.
As much as IP sucks, I have found that it has given me time to reflect when actively suicidal (suicidal ideations, a plan is made, with serious intention to carry out the plan). Everything is taken care of, food, etc.
IP will keep you safe and release loads of pressure ... that burden and stress has no place in IP. Hospitals aren’t perfect, but a treatment team will be there for you and you can reflect safely in a therapeutic setting. You can think about how you want to proceed in a safe environment where the stress is gone. Aftercare? Up to you.
Well, thinking about you. Just posting as a show of support to you. I hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing. I will read and keep you in my thoughts. I don’t want to pester you with posts, that’s not my intention. Take care, rainy
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I'm telling you they don't offer help... They deny immediate need and push me to my primary care that states bullshit policy I've never seen written for their inaction.
Of course they are neglecting me to an illegal level of malpractice... I walked out of a fucking hospital announcing I was going to kill myself and their only response was laughter. I'm done fighting alone
Of course they are neglecting me to an illegal level of malpractice... I walked out of a fucking hospital announcing I was going to kill myself and their only response was laughter. I'm done fighting alone
IP also doesn't suck... It's just not like I can live there and it's damn near impossible to be admitted. I need to jump in front of a car or something where I am as the system is so overburdened...
Hell the medical director at the methadone clinic was referring to me as "fucking kid" looking for me as he didn't bother to look 5 feet. Fuck you Gill to say the least.
Hell the medical director at the methadone clinic was referring to me as "fucking kid" looking for me as he didn't bother to look 5 feet. Fuck you Gill to say the least.
I would if I could... You are right I can't live here. I don't have any help or anywhere to go though and this fucking City set me up in a way where if I leave I lose what little income I have. There's only the plan at this point. I'm just trying to make it to it