I don’t see the point anymore - living with severe mental illness

[washingtonbound]

I don’t mean to bore everyone with another bitching session from me, I‘m just getting to the point where I can’t tolerate living with myself anymore. I don’t know where to turn because no psychiatrist or psychologist has helped me, in fact many have done great harm. I cannot do things like psychedelic therapy because of my condition and have been looking into things like Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, which unfortunately is not covered by my insurance. So I’m left chasing my tail again and am feeling really lost.

Over the course of my life, I’ve been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, Schizoaffective Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, ADD, and generalized anxiety and depression. I’m also quite certain I have Pure O OCD that hasn’t been addressed because I don’t exhibit noticeable compulsions and obsessive thoughts are considered to exist comorbidly with my other conditions. Anyway, I don’t really give a shit about the diagnoses but the point is, I am tortured by my internal world 24/7. It has rendered me unable to work and currently I collect a measly $500 dollars a month in social security disability (they lowered it from $850 to $500 when they determined that my mom was covering most of my living expenses). Anyway, it is a sad situation for me because throughout all this I‘ve always perceived that I could do better. But for the past ten years, after my Schizoaffective diagnosis presented itself during a psychotic episode from weed at 19 (at first they called it bipolar type 1), any mental issues I had in high school that could’ve been dealt with differently compounded into the nightmare I’m dealing with today.

I’m now at the point where I fight with what I deem to be another entity inside my head, which bombards me with the most repugnant, irrational intrusive thoughts on a daily basis. I have lost the ability to control urges to self harm, and have developed what I’m pretty sure is eustachian tube dysfunction in my right ear. I will scream at this entity to fuck off, randomly in the middle of the day, and often bang my head against the wall until I’m seeing spots. The vein on the right side of my head protrudes from me repeatedly hitting my temple, and I’m worried I’ve done some type of permanent damage. And this is all because of this thing which I consider to “not be me,” degrades me with these disgusting thoughts which make no sense and rarely have anything to do with the present. I’m in this constant useless war with myself that no one around me can really understand, and often results in me just being judged for being really spacey or slow.

I could write a whole book describing this voice or whatever it is, but the point I want to get across is how horrifying it is to have the rational capacity to understand that what you’re doing is ridiculous and destroying yourself, yet continuing to do so as if helplessly watching a derailed train. The only things that provided relief, psychedelic drugs, are no longer an option to use because another psychotic episode is pretty much guaranteed. My insistence to continue “finding myself“ through psychedelics and to hopefully eradicate the disgusting voice voice in my head has resulted in almost thirty times spent in psychiatric hospitals and six times in other types of facilities. That amounts to almost three years of my life total spent in treatment involuntarily. This has compounded the PTSD I experienced from being forced out of my bed at five am and sent to “wilderness therapy“ and a boarding school for troubled teens at 16 which took away my junior and half of my senior year of high school, and alienated me from my friends.

Anyway, I realize that self loathing and rumination is pointless but I really needed to vent. People don’t understand me, they have no idea I’m battling a monster 24/7, and I’ve alienated myself entirely from any potential friends due to psychotic episodes and my repulsive personality. No one wants to hear about “that crazy guy‘s bullshit whose always in the looney bin,” or whatever else people say about me behind my back. Currently I’m planning to try to live in rural Colombia on my disability check and some other measly passive income I get from Spotify, and if I don’t see some improvement to my health, I think it’s time to take some pentobarbital to the head and check out.

I guess the point I’m making is - what’s the point of trying to get through this life when you have serious mental baggage on top of all the horrible stuff the world is dealing with? I’m losing hope each day.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

That's one hell of a story friend

Can I ask - why have you made the above post?

 

[elgoucho9]

You could be unable to work, for someone else. But still do something more with the social disability check.

How is your sleep pattern? Exercise? Diet?

 

[CFC]

I guess the point I’m making is - what’s the point of trying to get through this life when you have serious mental baggage on top of all the horrible stuff the world is dealing with? I’m losing hope each day.

Yeah it's a tough one isn't it? I figure that when a problem can't be solved, you have to change the problem by recontextualizing it into something else. No success doing so myself yet, but it seems like it could be viable.

Also don't forget, we probably all have a repulsive personality inside ourselves. It's usually kept in check by the frontal lobe of the brain, which helps give the impression we're a discreet, singular entity, and most of us aren't aware of it. But people whose left and right hemispheres get disrupted or physically severed often do become very aware of having multiple 'voices' in their heads. Unfortunately psychedelics probably tend to amplify, rather than unify, those voices.

 

[washingtonbound]

That's one hell of a story friend

Can I ask - why have you made the above post?

I don’t exactly have an active suicide plan but have gotten so fatigued in dealing with this, I’m feeling like I can’t go on living with myself in my current state. I’m hoping to somehow radically reset myself by an environment change but that hasn’t really worked yet either. I guess I’m just trying to process what I’m dealing with, no specific reason really.

 

[washingtonbound]

You could be unable to work, for someone else. But still do something more with the social disability check.

How is your sleep pattern? Exercise? Diet?

Most nights it takes me over an hour to get to sleep, often times many hours. I’ve compensated for this by going to bed much earlier than I intend to actually fall asleep. So if I hope to fall asleep by 11 I go to bed around 9.

Most days I get some kind of exercise but nothing intense really. I used to skateboard a lot but am losing interest in that. I try to swim at least twice a week, but usually it’s not for very long.

Diet I would say is okay, usually eat two meals a day and almost never any fast food.

 

[elgoucho9]

Most nights it takes me over an hour to get to sleep, often times many hours. I’ve compensated for this by going to bed much earlier than I intend to actually fall asleep. So if I hope to fall asleep by 11 I go to bed around 9.

Most days I get some kind of exercise but nothing intense really. I used to skateboard a lot but am losing interest in that. I try to swim at least twice a week, but usually it’s not for very long.

Diet I would say is okay, usually eat two meals a day and almost never any fast food.

The amount of time it's taking you to get to sleep potentially could be lessened by doing more exercise. I know this isn't the easiest if your not feeling it but some days i have to force myself and feel better for it.

Also two meals a day isn't much calories wise? Like maybe the lack of calories isn't helping your energy levels, depending on how big the meals are.

 

[-=SS=-]

I’m now at the point where I fight with what I deem to be another entity inside my head, which bombards me with the most repugnant, irrational intrusive thoughts on a daily basis. I have lost the ability to control urges to self harm, and have developed what I’m pretty sure is eustachian tube dysfunction in my right ear. I will scream at this entity to fuck off, randomly in the middle of the day, and often bang my head against the wall until I’m seeing spots.

Personally I'm of the belief that not everything comes from just the matter between our ears. I don't have a solid model or anything, just from personal experience and delving into occult literature. But regardless of whether this voice is purely an internal instance, or an external affliction, there are some practical measures you can take.

Firstly, try not to indulge the voice. Easier said than done, but the more attention you give any thought streams (internal or external) the more it tends to reinforce them. I've been guilty twice in my life of reinforcing thoughts to the point where they become obsessive states and have to suffer through trying to undo the ball of yarn. It takes time, and much like losing weight for example you have to have faith that you will see change - you have to cultivate patience, self love/forgiveness as a balance to the doubting thoughts that naturally arise whenever you try to put your mind to any task that takes time/effort. Having been through it twice I realized how important it is to not feed these things emotional energy to begin with before it snowballs (see point 3).

Secondly, you have to cut off whatever this obsessive state is feeding on. It may just be emotional energy from your waking sober state, but often there's substance use in the mix, and also the other big one is over indulgence in sexual activity. All these things stir up energy too much, and at the subtle level there may be more going on there than we understand too. Obviously you want to get straightened out, as painful as you allow yourself to be convinced it will be; eat properly, sleep properly, exercise, and cut back on the aforementioned things.

Thirdly, relax. You have to find healthy ways of dealing with all the bullshit that stirs you up and causes all the wheels to go into motion. For me that's going on long walks, preferably away from everyone and their dogs, and having a really hot bath once or twice a week. Also exercising twice a week, as much as I can't be fucked at the moment.

Trust me, whatever is causing this you have to not allow it to pull you off centre. You have to find the ways to make time/space for your own inner voice to be the strongest amongst them all, and that starts by not reacting to whatever this imposition is and giving it credence. By acknowledging it, especially in anger, that just grants it more power over you. Let it say whatever bullshit it wants, that's its own bullshit and not your own. Just like all the drivel you hear in a crowded place - some of that is repugnant as well - you have to just tune it out and not let it grab you. It's much like that real world scenario, once you grant yourself self-esteem these things tend to wash over much easier.. it's when you feel insecure and beaten down that you leave the door ajar for these things to get a foot in. EDIT: Once your inner stream gets to a certain level of strength you can repel much of these things by will alone; I can't lay out a method for this, it's subjective, but think of it like pure focused mental intention with the passion you have with an outward burst of anger. Part of the formula is making that inner will strong (see point 2).

All the best to you.

 

[washingtonbound]

Personally I'm of the belief that not everything comes from just the matter between our ears. I don't have a solid model or anything, just from personal experience and delving into occult literature. But regardless of whether this voice is purely an internal instance, or an external affliction, there are some practical measures you can take.

Firstly, try not to indulge the voice. Easier said than done, but the more attention you give any thought streams (internal or external) the more it tends to reinforce them. I've been guilty twice in my life of reinforcing thoughts to the point where they become obsessive states and have to suffer through trying to undo the ball of yarn. It takes time, and much like losing weight for example you have to have faith that you will see change - you have to cultivate patience, self love/forgiveness as a balance to the doubting thoughts that naturally arise whenever you try to put your mind to any task that takes time/effort. Having been through it twice I realized how important it is to not feed these things emotional energy to begin with before it snowballs (see point 3).

Secondly, you have to cut off whatever this obsessive state is feeding on. It may just be emotional energy from your waking sober state, but often there's substance use in the mix, and also the other big one is over indulgence in sexual activity. All these things stir up energy too much, and at the subtle level there may be more going on there than we understand too. Obviously you want to get straightened out, as painful as you allow yourself to be convinced it will be; eat properly, sleep properly, exercise, and cut back on the aforementioned things.

Thirdly, relax. You have to find healthy ways of dealing with all the bullshit that stirs you up and causes all the wheels to go into motion. For me that's going on long walks, preferably away from everyone and their dogs, and having a really hot bath once or twice a week. Also exercising twice a week, as much as I can't be fucked at the moment.

Trust me, whatever is causing this you have to not allow it to pull you off centre. You have to find the ways to make time/space for your own inner voice to be the strongest amongst them all, and that starts by not reacting to whatever this imposition is and giving it credence. By acknowledging it, especially in anger, that just grants it more power over you. Let it say whatever bullshit it wants, that's its own bullshit and not your own. Just like all the drivel you hear in a crowded place - some of that is repugnant as well - you have to just tune it out and not let it grab you. It's much like that real world scenario, once you grant yourself self-esteem these things tend to wash over much easier.. it's when you feel insecure and beaten down that you leave the door ajar for these things to get a foot in. EDIT: Once your inner stream gets to a certain level of strength you can repel much of these things by will alone; I can't lay out a method for this, it's subjective, but think of it like pure focused mental intention with the passion you have with an outward burst of anger. Part of the formula is making that inner will strong (see point 2).

All the best to you.

Thanks a lot for the detailed response. I am also not convinced it is just some random inner voice and have looked into other explanations, occult and otherwise. A couple disturbing points are examples of electromagnetic/psychotronic harassment. This is no longer a fringe conspiracy topic and has been well documented. I’m not positive that I am a victim of that, I just don’t think that it’s as simple as me having a weird trauma response. It could be related to some nasty spirit or something from a past life (who knows). I’m really not sure.

But you’re right that I need more backbone and a stronger inner voice. My self esteem has been nearly eliminated from all the psych stays, lack of friends and general lack of life for so many years, so I think rebuilding that will be the hardest.

 

[-=SS=-]

But you’re right that I need more backbone and a stronger inner voice. My self esteem has been nearly eliminated from all the psych stays, lack of friends and general lack of life for so many years, so I think rebuilding that will be the hardest.

It's difficult to go it alone. I know that in my own life. It's not healthy and we're not supposed to live this way, but it is what it is unfortunately. The worst thing you can do though is accept the doubting thoughts that tell you it's your own fault, even if there is perhaps a shade of validity in there somewhere. No one chooses to dig themselves a hole, we are all victims of forces and a design we don't understand. Forgive yourself, it's not your fault.

Without the positive reinforcement and energy from others it's so easy to feel overwhelmed. Many of us are just reacting, naturally, to an unnatural mode of life. It can be depressing to see things this way, how flawed our system is, but it's infinitely better than beating yourself up for things you had no control over.

 

[someguyontheinternet]

I always fall asleep so easy after working my ass off in the gym, wearing yourself out physically is a great way to sleep well as long as you don't overdo it. It also helps me feel so much happier and more positive. Why not try power lifting or Olympic weight lifting? Its hella fun. Having a sport to focus on definitely helps with motivation to lift. I'll never be the greatest or compete but I can still have fun progressing and getting stronger. You'll have the drive to eat more as well, without gaining fat as well as long as you're giving your body a good stimulus for adaptation

I believe in you!

 

[Jnowhere]

Don't react or listen to that voice at all, if it is just in your head, hmm I got no answer, but if you messed with a Ouija board or the occult it could be an evil spirit messing with you. Try ignoring it. What about medications, you should be on Medicaid. Try using prescribed meds to help, it seems like you are intelligent but troubled. Seriously try meds and whatever shrinks you can get on disability
Exercise, as mentioned by others is also a good idea. Self harm will only make it worse
Be honest, if you can find a psychiatrist who can prescribe some meds, they have side affects and different people react differently to meds, but a person can be helped. Any sort of psychedelic treatment as you mentioned is out of the question.
You seem to be reasonably intelligent and maybe there are meds that could help you, live a more normal life. From your writing you don't seem like an absolute lunatic. I think you definitely have problems, but let's be honest, have you used your mental instability to get attention, besides being on here. You need to stop listening to the voices. You need to find a psychiatrist who can prescribe you meds to help you feel and act more normal. You have a limited budget but exercise and maybe a hobby( not something dangerous or harmful.) Avoid alcohol and all drugs except if you can get meds that will help you, be more normal. I think that you have issues but, I analyzed your writing and your not completely gone, you have issues but if you really try to address them, first stop hurting yourself and don't hurt others. You need to not dwell on the voices and the past.
Try being nice to people and don't scream at the voices. Then really look deep and try to get real mental help. Shrinks love to pile on diagnoses but try to find a good one get to the root of your mental/ emotional problems and try hard to work on them. Stop thinking of yourself as a hopeless mess and really try to get better and lead a productive life. I could see from your writing that you can possibly not be as bad off as you and others perceive. Yes you have issues, but you may not be hopeless. You have a mom who seems to care about you, and you need to stop hurting yourself. Take sometime to get help and really try hard to lead a normal life.

.

 

[burn out]

Your posts betray the fact that there is a strong rational side of you that is functioning. You need to work with that and use it to try to see the parts of yourself that are not functioning. It will also involve feeling and being able and willing to feel things without losing sight of that rational perspective.

I suggest you try reishi mushroom. I am not very experienced with it but I also struggle with mental illness and not really having a reason to live but reishi mushroom has helped me dissipate some of my disordered thoughts.

if you do decide to try it, make sure you research it and get a good quality extract or make your own. Don't just buy the reishi supplement at the grocery store, they are often useless.

 

[Jnowhere]

The first paragraph was good, but hallucinogenic mushrooms are the answer?
He said a psychotic episode is pretty much guaranteed. Another trip for him, might mean another trip to the psychiatric ward.

 

[Doctor Steve Brule]

What about Light and Sound Machines? My Proteus helps with relaxation, focus, and creativity.

 

[Jnowhere]

I hope you were not yelling at me. I am saying stay away from them
I read where he said they were bad and I was arguing with the guy suggesting the mushrooms. I hate hallucinogenic drugs, they destroy minds and cause those with mental health issues, to go farther down a horrible path. Please tell me you were not suggesting that I thought this idea to trip on hallucinogenic mushrooms was good, it is horrible; especially since the dude said it was bad for him. I agree harm reduction thread.

 

[Jnowhere]

I was saying I agreed that the dude has functioning parts of himself and needs to address the problem areas.
I am going through a lot more than I will ever tell anyone.
The last thing I would want is for someone struggling with mental health issues to mess with psychedelic drugs.

 

[Jnowhere]

That's one hell of a story friend

Can I ask - why have you made the above post?

Wow that is really a cold reply to someone in serious mental pain

 

[Jnowhere]

Ok, but I just found out they aren't hallucinogenic but can be good, but may have side effects

 

[Jnowhere]

I got the impression you were attacking me, people do that to me, and I am a bit of a reactionary