I’m not saying I will, this is a last resort I’m wanting to trip, as many of you know I’ve had my experiences but I was too young to integrate nor comprehend what they meant, I just basically had ego death in a seedy crack motel.. while waiting for a PO to come verify my address. Or had other things that set and setting most likely influenced. But I have a gram, ready to be consumed. I have more then that In total Ground up and ready to go. but suddenly I don’t know if that will be enough. I hear Terrence McKenna stating fear in psychedelics comes from not taking enough, to break through to visuals, etc etc. I’m not trying to get a heavy body stone or anything level 2 (levels of tripping google it b) and I’m not trying have ego death(level 5+) right now. But I need direction, I’d like peace, and to use this to rewire my brain not to worry so much about every little thing. I think caution and planning is a good thing but impulsivity in my past have led me to overcompensate I guess and overthink everything to the point where I don’t even enjoy life like I should . I wanna work at my brain so that my girl doesn’t have to miss out on parasailing and cruises and going out, I love her and I want to be the many she enjoys life with, not the one that kills and fun we think of. As many of you know I’m bipolar so I talked to my psychiatrist. He had no problem with this, although he said microdosing.. not upwards of 2-3.5 grams, to preface I’ve taken large doses 10+ grams and during that time it almost felt as if I had truly found positivity so I’m not really like a person that takes it starts tripping and says omg I’m dying... Atleast not yet mushrooms have been gentle, but there’s always a point in my trip which it switches on me and I think it’s never going to end. This could be my set and setting. Tripping at my mothers previous boyfriends, when I’m not even allowed to live there cause of drug usage, probably wasn’t the best idea. Especially when he bust down the door as I’m hiding under a bed and starts berating my step brother to clean his room. (Very old fashioned military man, I really don’t blame him for not liking me I was a POS coming off and on all those psychiatric meds and mixing with other drugs. Or staying with your uncle “trying to get your shit straight” knowing he’s a devout southern baptist type, knowing I have to work with him at 6 am for room and board and trying to sober up a trip wasn’t a good time either. So I guess it’s given me a little PTSD as far as shrooms to. I’m trying to combat that with klonopin, I take klonopin I’m prescribed 10 a month. As I told him I don’t want 30 and to become dependent on them.. but that’s besides them point all that being said I know benzos and caps are like oil and water, I wanna get the best of these mushrooms but for my first return I’m not sure if I can do them without taking a benzo beforehand. I don’t wanna influence my trip to be bad just cause I keep over analyzing things, but I’ve overanalyzed myself into anxiety attack the past few times I really start getting things ready to trip just the thought of being back in that negative thought loop is nothing I can’t handle I just don’t wanna do it for 6 hours. like I said I’m trying to return to these for guidance, to learn to love life more, not be such a grinch so maybe to learn to not worry I know I’ll have to be placed into situations in which I worry or difficult. Ideally ego death is optimal it’s something I plan on working to go to cause I’m tired of being driven by myself all the time. My ego is what’s ruined happiness and caused me to use other drugs just to protect it’s little shell. It needs shattered as a everyone’s does. Im to worried about myself, whether it be what I want or what I’m worried about and it would be nice to achieve something that takes me out of that mindframeb but I’m not psychologically ready for all that while simultaneously coming off opiates and marijuana ( trying to clean both my house and body before this. I know the answer to the question i ask, I shouldn’t even be asking it I know it will dull my experience and the best way to do it is to save klonopin for if it truly gets dark. I just wanna gather y’all’s thoughts. Tripping is something I’ma do regardless, I’d just like maybe some insights and help into getting the anxiety Atleast controlled enough to calm down so I can take it. Tried kava.. that’s trash. Kratom helps but I don’t know if I wanna be lethargic during my trip. I’ve tried teas like yogi stress relief. Lemon balm was recommended and nothing helps the way klonopin does, I would drink a beer or so.. but that gives me an instant hangover if I don’t keep drinking and I’m not really trying to have a headache while I self analyze. What do y’all think obvious I’m probably not ready for it, or maybe I am and I’m just not confident. What y’all think Bluelight family. I hope everyone is having an amazing week!
