Do you really mean that? I think you're just tryna get along. You have mentioned many times that oxy and H are treating more then just pain and that you would be on them for the rest of your life. If you are serious, I would be willing to quit with you. We would have to be able to find a way to hold each other accountable but I'm dead serious. You do it and I'll do it.
Man I just gotta say it again this was rad of you to say. I'm just not ready, honestly I'm sorry. It was really kind of you to offer this type of mutual support. I'm not ready to give it up yet and it's scary. I have no idea how much further I can fall. Every time I try to quit it wears my body out more and more. Just the idea immediately shocked my whole body with terror, resistance, and fear. Having been in cold turkey withdrawal recently for an extended period of time, and finding it horrific. But what am I going to do, keep this up for another 50 years? Eventually I'll have to turn to the needle, and that scares me too. I don't want to be injecting myself with stuff off the street. The whole thing freaks me out but yeah like I'm just not ready to quit. I wish that I was, but I need to get my life together. There is a timer ticking and I've wasted so much time that nobody in the world will take me seriously if I take two years right now to get clean and sober. Even if it's the best thing for me, there just isn't any time. I'll be in my 30's applying for junior career positions it just won't work out for me. Fucking sucks, there is never a good time to take a month off and have your body go to shit.
I'm going to have to change my mind some day you know. It gets scary when prescription opioids are no longer enough. I'd need the highest dose ones to be satisfied... like OC 80's or dilaudid 8's. Having moved onto heroin, and now my tolerance to that is even rising. I need to find the strength to find a different answer to your offer but I also have to get my shit together and can't be sick all spring. If I get this job tomorrow I'll think about it. I think it's a great idea by the way. If you had someone accountable to, it would make bailing on your efforts that much harder right? Since you'd be letting your quitting friend down. It's actually a really good idea to stop, and you always have someone to talk to because... I mean if you're anything like me, you don't get very much accomplished in withdrawal. The first ten days are write offs for me at this point. I wish I had quit like 2 years ago but it always seems to be that way. The withdrawals weren't a tenth as bad back then, after switching to a lot of H it's just ridiculous how bad it is. Fuck. What am I going to do?
And then there is the benzo problem lurking under the surface. Like what the fuck is up with my life, how did I get here, when; why; where; my back just hurts and it leads to this? How is it even a secret? How can I be railing heroin for example on christmas morning right under my family's nose, supposedly the hardest of drugs, and nobody even has a damn clue? I don't like keeping secrets but this needs to be kept between myself, and other users.
And you know what, after this interview tomorrow, depending what happens, I am going to reconsider your offer. I am not down to cold turkey but I could taper. I tapered last year with some success (I got down from 150mgoxy + the heroin to only 30mg oxy). It was fucking hell but now it is much worse. Well, it's because I did it cold turkey last time. Never again. But I'd be down to maybe come up with a schedule so I'm keeping track of my use and maybe lower it by 5mg a day or something like that? Anyways, that's what worked for me last year until I was destroyed by PAWS symptoms which were worse than the physical withdrawal that had me sitting on a couch flopping around for 10 days (and ONE relapse with dilaudid set me back mentally to day 1 in terms of anhedonia, leaving me still feeling physically okay, which was just awful).
Anyways, I'm not saying no. If I get this job, I might start a controlled taper using heroin and oxy. Cutting out the dope first. That's what I did last year. I cut out the dope in the summer, then in the fall I dropped my dose from 150mg oxy to 60 and when I moved down to 30 that's when I lost my marbles. So, tapering is what works for me and I don't think it needs to be subs. I don't think it matters what it is so long as I have the support and I'm commiting to it (I had a wonderful girl to talk to online every day of that autumn). Having her to talk to every day helped immensely, I never would have made it without her. Having a quitting buddy is essential. I'm going to see what happens tomorrow and if I have a job in my hands I'll feel like a much more stable many. With a steady source of income, I'd be able to taper off these higher doses if I really put my mind to it. I'd do it really slow like 5mg a day or something, but I'd get there in the end. That's the only way it would ever work for me and I don't want to try subs or methadone just yet. I tapered last year with percocet and was actually really successful (cravings were never an issue) so I figured I'd taper with oxy by 5mg a day and be done in like a month... down to a reasonable level of use at least.
I'm thinking it over. Having a job would help my situation immensely and it sucks that I can't sleep tonight. I really needed a good rest but it's 2am and I'm wide awake at night tossing and turning. I think I'm just really, really nervous because this job, although just part time and nothing career related, would mean the world to me. Having a place in society, the ability to get out and make friends, network, socialize, have money for concerts, the dope or pills I'd need to taper (I will never cold turkey it... I had a lot of success tapering last year for a good few months until PAWS fucked me over as I took it too fast). But just because I screwed up royally doesn't mean I can't try again. I could keep a log of my use and very, very slowly lower my dose.
I'm going to see what happens with this job it really would completely change my life and my family and others would have a lot more respect for me. I could probably get a girlfriend over the summer and move in with her someplace and that would be cute and fun. It's really exciting but I've been having a panic attack for the past 6 hours. I didn't want to take any extra benzos but I gave in. This is important and I haven't had an interview since last year. I really need this job to happen and I'm going to work my ass off tomorrow to get it. And afterwards, I can spend some time in withdrawal since I'm going to be getting really high for the interview as that is what works best for me.
I'm not giving up. And that was just a really bold post to me. It really got me thinking. If I had a job, that's one problem solved and I could move onto the next one. We should keep in touch because I really want to quit, but I don't know if I want to. How does that even make any sense, but of course you must know what I mean. I should just man up and accept this support but I'm finding it really tough to accept. For me, it would have to be a really slow, controlled taper. Choose a starting dose and go from there at 5mg a day or so (probably like 100mg). But you could choose your way as well of course, this is just what I know works for me. The slowest taper possible really. After the interview I'm going to look at my options and get my dosing under control... until then (just tomorrow morning), I need to be high.
