Just wanted to chime in with my own experience. This is my first post/reply on bluelight. I have been lurking here on and off for at least 12 years, back when I was in high school and getting stuff off the silk road. I'm now 30. I have ADHD (which I am convinced is the source of my lifelong substance abuse problem). Diagnosed when I was probably 14. Had limited success with Adderall. It worked but I wound up losing access after getting heavy into cocaine at the age of 16 through fast food coworkers. Had unreasonable access to affordable, quality blow from some Hispanic friends of mine. I worked my way up to easily doing a gram or two a day before I even finished high school. I was supplying to others to supply myself at the time. Parents sent me to rehab a few times. I caught some possession charges for weed. Was in the juvenile court system but nothing bad enough to make me consider any lifestyle changes. I couldn't stop.
By 18 years old I was living in a glorified trap house with some friends. I was racking up lines on my nightstand so I could literally get one line in each nostril right after turning off the alarm clock, doing lines before I even got out of bed. Eventually I caught some more serious charges related to cocaine and meth. I always enjoyed me some speed but cocaine was just something my brain would not let me get away from. I get so caught in the cycle of dopamine reward that jail was the first time I really had a break. Then I was incredibly lucky that I was able to do some drug court (all previous convictions happened as a minor), was sent to residential treatment for polydrug addiction, and was being monitored for enough years that I actually was able to get my shit together.
I think that if I wasn't able to be placed somewhere with zero access I wouldn't have been able to control myself. This proved true as years later, probably around 2019 or so, I was off paper and had a good job from having done college while off drugs and had some blow at a party. Some of my adult work friends liked to do blow while weekend drinking. I thought why the hell not. I learned a lot of good skills while sober and had shown that I could handle some beers, a little weed, and the occasional acid or mushroom trip. What would the harm come from doing my buddies cocaine? I was immediately buying myself quarter or half ounces. I could afford it without dealing. I didn't have parents to notice behavioral changes. Was recently out of a long term relationship that ended unrelated to drug use. I was a free agent. Except I was back to a gram a day almost immediately. Every once in a while both my sources would be dry for a few days and I would crash. Usually some nitrous, weed, and maybe some benzos would ease the landing. I would go through a guilt cycle, mostly related to finances and my lack of savings. Eventually I'd get the text that the forecast looked like snow and I would hit the slopes. It wasn't until I had another relationship that consequences really became noticable. My now wife was around a lot and she really noticed when I was on drugs. She was also willing to have boundaries regarding our time together and my drugs use. Weed was fine. Nicotine, no problem. Few beers? Cool. We even tripped together (still do). Cocaine cowboy mode was not okay. I was also deep into ketamine at this point. Probably doing a gram of each a day. This triggered bouts of mania and looking back I was a nightmare to be around. The only issue was that when I would try and stop I just felt to terrible. My brain had less than nothing to fall back on. The self hatred would get so bad I would genuinely consider and plan ways to kill myself. Eventually I was given the ultimatum. It's her or the cocaine. Obviously I chose her. I scored some bromazolam and flualprazolam bars and came down with a case of covid around the same time so I was home for a week In a near total blackout that I remember being rather comfortable due to the RC benzos. Since then I have been able to stop myself from actually getting back into the cocaine cycle. Living with the wife helps. Strattera for my ADHD helps (seriously the non stimulant stuff has been a lifesaver). At this point I just won't do uppers besides caffeine and nicotine. I just can't handle it. I can take or leave just about anything else.
Anyways, that's a really roundabout way of saying I have never gotten off cocaine without being put away somewhere for at least a week with some landing gear. I understand that could be difficult with your work situation and having a family. Idk how things are with the wife, but being honest might be helpful. I don't know how else you could possibly disappear for a week without cluing her in. Doesn't sound like you specifically need detox. Maybe you have a relative or friend with a spare bedroom in a basement somewhere. Maybe you can get a hotel room (although that might be too easy to go pick up). I totally get the "having a secret thing for me" that you mentioned. That's a huge weakness on my end. The only way around that is to give up the secret. Let your loved ones know what's up. The magic gets spoiled real quick. It also means you can't really come back and keep using as the wife will be on high alert. It's not fun, but you have kids so it's really the best for the family unit. I hope you get things figured out. It's rough, but I know you can do it. We all have the courage somewhere inside us.
