Addiction Fent/Benzo withdrawals-subutex-methadone journey

[Nurse Ratched]

@somnilicious hey man thanks for wise words and support. This website has been keeping my mind focused. Everyone’s input here is amazing and a very broad intelligent diverse group of people who’ve been through a lot for sure.

I decided to make this into a journal and keep my journey as a memory so I don’t forget. It’s crazy when you read your own comments many times and posts you realize there’s a lot of self reflection I can be doing.

Methadone is a very unique opiate to get used to using. I’m so used to peaks and troughs with any other opiate opioid the nodding and the sickness. With methadone it’s almost like I’m not used to having a single dose of any opiate last me more than 12 hours let alone 24 everyday. I have this timer in my head from so many years of coming down sick get well nod repeat, multiple times in a day. Especially with fentanyl when they started I would be sick in 6 hours even though I was out cold nodding 4-5 hours before.

My pupils never get small on methadone either. They can actually get pretty big as if I’m clean and don’t use opiates. Right now shit sucks i have to dose daily I don’t have take homes and I notice how I still really barely eat sleep or move at all from my bed. I’m not sedated but I’m not what I call 100%.

It’s really bothering me. I’m guessing the sporadic benzo usage after quitting 5 months ago doesn’t help but I never take benzos more than 2 days in a row and then a 2 weeks+ break. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve had any benzos and I feel no cravings for them which is a miracle. The fent smoking every 7-10 days for 1-2 days straight has fucked this whole process up. It’s been 6 days since I smoked 1 gram of fent in a 24 hour period but made sure to spit my methadone out so I wouldn’t add to the tolerance as much lool the clinic would murder me if they knew. They still require us to wear masks when we walk in the window to the nurse so after I drink it from the plastic cup I just hold it in my mouth and cover my face with the mask, wave bye and walk out (without actually saying bye cause my mouth is holding liquid).

I set an appointment for the 30th to increase to 115 mgs. Hopefully this time around when I pee it won’t fuckin be positive for fent. I’ve done this like 4-5 times and 4-5 times literally I smoke fent for 2-3 days tops don’t take any for 9-10 days and I come up positive? It’s not worth it though and the fent high really blows as it is without methadone tolerance. I’d rather never waste money and feel sick for 5+ days even with normal methadone dose because I binged and smoked that shit risk jail again the detectives that got me are known to be gnarly they busted huge Mexican ring in Los Angeles with the DEA years ago before fent which cause drought. Crazy how years later they come to your door. I still have PTSD I think that I can’t accept from that search warrant. It’s so jarring and serious when it’s your ass.
(Please someone move this to a journal part of the forum or however mods see fit, I will keep myself updated thanks for everything guys and feel free to chime in off topic or not we’re here to vent and get to the nitty gritty of shit)

Hey James. I don't think your thread needs moving. You can document your journey right here on this thread that you started.

Feel free to post as often as you wish and for sure keep us updated.

 

[Painful One]

Doing okay here.
I am not used to anything lasting more than 12 hours either.
It is hard to rely on it, when you do not know it’s capabilities.

3:42 a.m. here.
I just took a dose of subutex.
I am thinking about going back to suboxone.
This Subutex is burning the hell out of my tongue and under it.
I get a big frothing effect from it and it doesn’t seem to last as long as the suboxone.
But, the headaches are better.

IDK.
I am going back to bed. Sleep is still really broken up.

Hanging in there.

Sending love to everyone here.

 

[James Peach]

@Painful One you dose 3 times a day? That’s what I did before i got on methadone. I’d take 16 mgs 4-5 am 8 mgs at 12 noon 8 more at 5-6 pm and I never felt 100% even after 1.5-2 months at 24 mgs.

Hope that doesn’t happen to you but sounds like it. Bupe just won’t cut it for me. That’s why I chose this methadone path because I realized I’m gonna be on an opiate regardless might as well be the full agonist for me.

Not going to pressure you into that because I still have a hard time myself with having to make that decision but without a car to drive to the clinic daily is gonna be tough on methadone. I’d consider it if it’ll give you actual quality of life.

I woke up at 11:30 pm slept for a few hours woke up in full blown some sort of withdrawal 7 days off gabas I woke up absolutely shaking I soaked 5 t shirts in sweat in 2 hours and boxers sweatpants just faucet on pouring sweat from every pore while it feels like I’m in a freezer with bone cramps and twitching. I was moaning out loud it hurt so bad I was barely able to hold out till 5 am and drive to the clinic when they opened.

Drank my 105 mgs and it barely helped for 7-8 hours by 1 pm I already felt like shit

Update: It’s 4:50 am Tuesday the 29th I managed to get ahold of 12 300 mgs gaba capsules. My refill for GABAs is in a week no way I can make it. 8 days since that 1 day fentanyl binge, 2.5-3 weeks since my 10 Xanax bar binge. Took 4 GABAs and 1 more now. Immediately stabilized. Definitely gabapentin withdrawals 100% I thought it was Covid at one point someone really close in our family got Covid that I was near not Covid.

I’ll post an updated message here when I get back from the clinic and it kicks in. Still a ritual for me no dope man but the clinic is my dope man every morning when I wake up. I don’t gotta hustle for money or wait hours for my connection or worry about being arrested. Also drinking a liquid 2 seconds from a cup and walking out is no shooting up or smoking or snorting ritual takes all the ritualistic aspect of opiate use and I think that’s what’s messing with me. Update myself in a couple hours I hope everyone is somewhat okay this morning

 

[James Peach]

It’s 8:15 am I dosed at 5:15 am, I just checked my pupils are small! Not dots but small I’ve never had that happen! I took gaba today before my dose first time in a while maybe that’s why. I’m so surprised they’re tiny. That’s always a good sign and medium/large pupils always scares me and gives me instant goosebumps cause I know it tells me I’m going through withdrawals slowly.

Small pupils always means feeling good but I don’t feel “high” or sedated even. I just feel normal even with small ass pupils meh.

I got an appointment tomorrow with the head doctor increase my dose to 115 mgs from 105 mgs. They drug test me tomorrow and it’ll be 8.5 days from my 1 day binge on fent last time I waited 9 days and tested positive because the test they do is quantitative ng/ml of fent in your urine or some shit.

I have to pee under a certain threshold and he said I’d get my first take home. I pray to god this finally happens. I should have had take home 45 days ago but I kept doing these fent binges for 1-3 days and then quitting 7-10 days failing the testa repeat. This time I’m not doing that. I craved fent the other day when I woke up shaking without the gaba but I just really want to move on.

I appreciate all your support nurse, painful one, everyone else.

I need to find a place to move in with a roommate. I’ve been using my moms apartment as a rehab since jail. It’s been 5 months since my arrest. 2 months on subs and now almost 2 months on methadone. I still have never felt 100% a single day since jail except the days I binged on fent.

I got car payment rent insurance phone bills and I haven’t been working it’s getting to the point where I can’t keep up the bills. I’m lucky as a junkie I even have money period.

I gotta get it together. I wonder if I just need 150-160 mgs of methadone to feel normal. They allow us to increase the dose 10 mgs every 4-5 days but you have to make a full sit down appointment with the doctor every single time it’s annoying and I’ve been doing that from 55 mgs to 105 mgs that’s 5 sit downs. After that more sit downs almost makes me feel like I’m drug seeking.

I hope all are well I’d love to hear how everyone’s doing. Painful one what’s your dose? Split into 3 ways?

 

[Painful One]

You are making progress @James Peach
That is a big change for you. Being able to just go to the methadone clinic instead of hustling on the streets.
I bet you are relieved to not have to deal with all that.
I am glad that you aren’t dealing with that anymore.

There is no way I could go on Methadone. I cannot drive there every morning, cannot afford it etc...
I haven’t been working either.
I am still not able to get by on 3 8 mg Subutex a day.
I am needing 16 mg every 8 hours or even a little more in order to not be in withdrawal.
That is going to put me short on my prescription.
I don’t know what to do.

I am hoping it will get better and I can use less.
Anyone have any idea about that?
Should I call my doctor and tell her, or just show up early and tell her then?
Maybe I can get it down.
I am trying.

The only choice for me is Subutex or Suboxone.
They literally are not prescribing pain medication for anyone except people dying of Cancer now.
I was lucky I got to keep my gabapentin and 1 mg clonazepam.

Hope everyone is adjusting and not suffering too badly.
Things will get better slowly.
We just have to hang in there.

 

[Painful One]

It’s 8:15 am I dosed at 5:15 am, I just checked my pupils are small! Not dots but small I’ve never had that happen! I took gaba today before my dose first time in a while maybe that’s why. I’m so surprised they’re tiny. That’s always a good sign and medium/large pupils always scares me and gives me instant goosebumps cause I know it tells me I’m going through withdrawals slowly.

Small pupils always means feeling good but I don’t feel “high” or sedated even. I just feel normal even with small ass pupils meh.

I got an appointment tomorrow with the head doctor increase my dose to 115 mgs from 105 mgs. They drug test me tomorrow and it’ll be 8.5 days from my 1 day binge on fent last time I waited 9 days and tested positive because the test they do is quantitative ng/ml of fent in your urine or some shit.

I have to pee under a certain threshold and he said I’d get my first take home. I pray to god this finally happens. I should have had take home 45 days ago but I kept doing these fent binges for 1-3 days and then quitting 7-10 days failing the testa repeat. This time I’m not doing that. I craved fent the other day when I woke up shaking without the gaba but I just really want to move on.

I appreciate all your support nurse, painful one, everyone else.

I need to find a place to move in with a roommate. I’ve been using my moms apartment as a rehab since jail. It’s been 5 months since my arrest. 2 months on subs and now almost 2 months on methadone. I still have never felt 100% a single day since jail except the days I binged on fent.

I got car payment rent insurance phone bills and I haven’t been working it’s getting to the point where I can’t keep up the bills. I’m lucky as a junkie I even have money period.

I gotta get it together. I wonder if I just need 150-160 mgs of methadone to feel normal. They allow us to increase the dose 10 mgs every 4-5 days but you have to make a full sit down appointment with the doctor every single time it’s annoying and I’ve been doing that from 55 mgs to 105 mgs that’s 5 sit downs. After that more sit downs almost makes me feel like I’m drug seeking.

I hope all are well I’d love to hear how everyone’s doing. Painful one what’s your dose? Split into 3 ways?

Just remember that those Methadone MG’s will be a hard fight to ever get down.
Be honest with yourself.
I know it is hard and we are panicked a bit, just due to not knowing what to expect or count on with a big change in our daily chemical habits.

I am going to see how hard I can push this Subutex.
Try and figure out it’s limits and where I am comfortable.
I refuse to torture myself through this.
I have already been through so much...
I am really achy today. Lots of aches and pains from injury are flaring up today. It snowed, that always makes my pain level worse.
My dose has been as little as I can get by with and that is about 16-24 mg Subutex, split up into 3 doses a day-night.
For now.

 

[The Shadow Self]

Oh, man. I can relate at least to some degree. I was dosing fentanyl every three hours for over a year, and went cold turkey when it ran out. It was the most insane level of WDs that seemed very much like a nightmare come to life, and something that was traumatizing in and of itself and that I will never forget.

And before this, I had already experienced Morphine and Dilaudid WDs a few times which seemed "easy" in retrospect and by comparison. With the Fent, it was next level torture, and I did not eat or sleep for weeks, and I really wondered if I'd ever feel better. Even taking piles of benzos could not even touch the insomnia and only made me totally non functional overall. Thank goodness I don't touch opiates anymore and feel great now, but I never will forget. Anyway, best of luck to you on your journey, my friend.

 

[James Peach]

@Painful One wait you’re taking 16-24 mgs 3 times a day?? 48-72 mgs a day??

 

[Painful One]

@Painful One wait you’re taking 16-24 mgs 3 times a day?? 48-72 mgs a day??

No, I have been taking 16 mg every 8 hours.
2 8mg Subutex twice a day.

32 mg a day.

I am going to try harder to stay at the 3 8 mg doses a day.
That is what is prescribed.

I think I have not been letting these pills dissolve and sit under my tongue long enough.
I had just been swallowing a lot of it.

It is working better now that I am cutting the pills into pieces and just using small pieces at a time and letting those sit for longer.

 

[James Peach]

@Painful One that’s what I was prescribed recently before this methadone switch. They put me on 24 mgs which is max but I’m aware 32 mgs is the technical ceiling effect. Although 24 mgs saturated 90%+ of your receptors 32 mgs I’d take just out of desperation to feel normal. I totally understand you.

Honestly I did what you did at my end use of it. I’d wake up take 16 mgs then 8 mgs noon 8 more afternoon. You could try to wake up take 8 mgs not 16 and then take 8 3 more times that day but I would imagine putting 16 mgs at once when you wake up would be better.

Too bad bupe isn’t like methadone and there’s a limit to what even works… I know when I get my take home methadone ima indulge and drink 2 bottles at once get fucked up. We’ll see how I hold it together.

Just got back from appointment the clinic doctor is going to bump me up only 5 mgs tomorrow to 110 mgs and then another 5 mgs the next day if I say I need it which I will… he also knows I did fent 8 days ago I was honest and he’s so chill he said to come piss on Monday and “please don’t smoke fentanyl this weekend, we actually had a patient die last night in this clinic” no shit someone ODed last night he told me.

Hopefully Monday 13 days no fent I’ll pass and he said I’ll have my first take homes.

@Painful One keep us updated

 

[James Peach]

I found a 2 gram rock of methamphetamine that my fent dealer gave me 2 weeks ago and I never touched it. I used to do meth when I was fully on fent because I needed to somehow stay awake. Now on methadone I literally got goosebumps and almost gagged from just seeing meth near me.

Alcohol is the same there’s wine in the fridge makes me sick.

I don’t know if I’d rather be narcaned right now and go into precipitating withdrawals rather than be injected with meth 3 times a day. I feel like being narcanned on methadone would hurt less than doing meth. I’m astounded by tweakers! Itd eat the methadone away immediately id be awake and sick nasty!

Update: My benzo guy said he needs adderal and hed give me Ativan klonopin and Xanax mix if I got him some. I don’t think I can but ima try convince him trade me for the 2 gram rock of meth. Man benzos sound like sex right now. It’s been 2.5 weeks since I’ve done any benzos. I think I would be okay doing them but I got a pee test at the clinic today 9 days since I did fent I’m worried I’ll still test positive for fent so I’m not gonna do benzos right now if I get them. Clinic doctor said if I’m positive for fent to just take another test a few days later not to worry about it and when I pass I get take homes. I’m not waiting another 3 weeks for take homes again because I wanted to get high for 1-2 days. Would have had take homes 5 weeks ago if I didn’t do that.

 

[James Peach]

Turns out it was barely a 1.2 gram rock but whatever it’s super clear see through looks like an actual crystal shard. Traded for 5 Xanax bars woot!

3 weeks break from taking 9 bars in a 3 day binge, 2 weeks before that also binged. If I can keep up never taking it more than a few days in a row every few weeks I’ll never have the horror I went through after getting busted.

Hope I’m not just saying that watch me post in a month or two “GOING THROUGH XANAX WITHDRAWALS AGAIN” lol.

I’m just so shocked how little I feel 4 mgs of Xanax after almost a month break Jesus…

Feels good though. Stopped looking at the clock counting down to 5 am to go dose at the clinic, been staring at the clock since 11 PM. I only slept 4 hours from 7PM-11PM. It’s 12:30 am, I feel good not impatient at all now on 4 mgs but not quite euphoric and sedated as I wish. Can’t wait to dose at the clinic and pop more maybe I’ll get my first nod in a long time.

 

[James Peach]

Well… another update: the junkie in me kicked in again... I came up on a middle man opportunity with $60 cash got Methamphetamine for someone and he gave me 5 Xanax bars and 4 adderal 20 mgs IR I still have a bit of his meth I got him, fentanyl I picked up.

I took 2 bars like an idiot after months breaks and smoked fetty took 3 grams gabapentin smoked 53% THC pre roll joints covered in kief hash oil diamond resin with wax around the bud inside it…

So I went from nothing yesterday morning to picking up my 120 gabapentin for the month, did the meth middle man for 5 bars 4 Addie’s 20s meth for myself fentanyl about 3/4 gram and now ima be kicked out my mom just woke me up with my face to my lap in my room and she’s done talking to me it’s time to be kicked out.

All that for that junkie rush. Stupid. This is the list I procured somehow last night out of no where and ima drown my sorrows. I also missed my doctors appointment at methadone clinic to raise my dose to 120 methadone or it’ll raise only to 115 if 5 mgs is the new rule not 10….

He ended up raising it by 5 only again say at this point we can’t jump 10 mgs at a time cause I’m at 115….

I need prayers wish me luck. My life is at a serious crossroads now out of no where for such a silly mistake as nodding once that’s it…. 5 months of rehabbing at home with my mom lost trust fuck


Wish me luck

 

[Fungus_Am0nguz]

Oh, man. I can relate at least to some degree. I was dosing fentanyl every three hours for over a year, and went cold turkey when it ran out. It was the most insane level of WDs that seemed very much like a nightmare come to life, and something that was traumatizing in and of itself and that I will never forget.

And before this, I had already experienced Morphine and Dilaudid WDs a few times which seemed "easy" in retrospect and by comparison. With the Fent, it was next level torture, and I did not eat or sleep for weeks, and I really wondered if I'd ever feel better. Even taking piles of benzos could not even touch the insomnia and only made me totally non functional overall. Thank goodness I don't touch opiates anymore and feel great now, but I never will forget. Anyway, best of luck to you on your journey, my friend.

Dude i was reading James whole post (keep trying to get stabilize James and please try to not use street drugs once u hit the mark with the 'done) anyways and that first line that u wrote brought back one of if not the most hideous devilish horrible kick ive ever done. This happen years ago, I had a friend/connect that he got like 3 gallons of methadone, i was shooting dope with him and doing methadone, until the point were i was taking 250 to 300m of 'done daily, of course the dope couldnt break through that,not matter if you shoot a whole gram, fill the barrel, nothing, so anyways about 2 months into this we get a whole ehem stole boxes of fentanyl 100ml duragesic patches, not this fetty underground shit we have nowadays im taking about the pure grade patches, hundreds of them bro, hundreds, this happen years ago, back then when u broke the patch u put the liquid on your gums but very quickly we learned how to shoot em bastards as well.....and those did break thought the 300m methadone we were taken daily. Anyways long story short when we were 3 more months doing this, he got sent away and i was left with the most horrible wds of my life, as you said WEEKS without eating, without sleeping, shitting puking bone smashing pain. And i kicked this just with weed, my God, does age has something to do with this, if i ever try to do this now at this age, ill die. Im shaking just thinking about it, holy fuck what a kick. Traumatizing as you said......but i didnt stop there. Anyways take care.

 

[James Peach]

@Fungus_Am0nguz i just wanted to say thank you for that story and explanation of what you went through. I’ve been feeling like I’m the only “mega junkie” as I call it.

Meaning people like you who’ve had the ability to somehow procure an exorbitant amount of dank opiates to where the withdrawals change and they become not just horrendous and unbearable, but borderline suicidal trauma that makes you question god and life itself as to how and why were humans created to even feel this abhorrent torture?

Also wanted to add @Fungus_Am0nguz, that the fent patches are pure pharmaceutical fent. It is not the fuckin fluorulfentanyl, valeryfentanyl, 3-methoxyfentanyl, etc. the fent is literally a different analogue each time it feels like.
Every time I pick up I wonder how strong this time it’ll be or weak, or how long it’ll hold me. The high is garbage. It’s almost a pointless drug to be addicted to because you never even get a rush high like heroin where all the super negative consequences of doing heroin were somewhat worth the heroin high at least…. Not with fent you’re just doing it now to stop the fent itself from causing withdrawals!

So ya the patches are good but not transdermal like you said chew or shoot.

And I gotta say I absolutely wish I had the full gallon liter whatever bottle of methadone somehow haha that’s impossible to get. Speaking of which how did you get those bottles of ‘done? And I like clean pharmaceutical opiates better than street ones. When I double up on my methadone with a take home i take 115 mgs X 2 = 230 mgs ‘done and it feels good mellow as fuck and actually somewhat sedation but never nod. Even this fent I got sucked until I popped 2 bars (4 mgs Xanax) and 10 gabapentin 300 mgs (3 grams) smoked a 0.5 gram pre roll joint covered in kief on top of hash oil dripped on it with diamond thc mixed with the weed, and bam I don’t even remember the high which pisses me off! I nodded out holding my phone somehow without locking it and my mom saw me grabbed my phone went through everything…

My texts to dealers where I was actually when I lied to her the previous days and she’s the nicest person on earth she’s tolerated more than any parent mom would ever seriously. I feel so bad.

@Fungus_Am0nguz sorry for going off topic, the whole point of this post was to say there are a small % of us that slip into these “opportunities” to own sooo much substances; coupled with the fact that this small percentage of addicts have extreme receptor burdens in order to stop withdrawals.

I know every addict/junkie likes to brag about how many bags they slammed or how much they did in a day/week. That’s lame I’m not talking about that. People like @Fungus_Am0nguz
(I’m guessing he does have that rare tolerance) end up in a situation where they are incapacitated from the withdrawal symptoms.
I genuinely get goosebumps and anxiety imagining what you went through. It changes you a detox like that. I’ve detoxed a million times from different opioids benzos gaba weed etc. but this time around was different I actually felt and thought I’m going to die.

I lost 40 pounds in 28 days from 220 to 180, I’m 6’1 (Russian Jew if that matters). I slept 5 hours in 25 days and they don’t count it was more like my body literally shutting down and “slept” for 15 minutes or 30 and woke up feeling worse. It changed me forever and I’m sure you too.

Anyways I apologize to anyone reading or posting on this thread if I’m almost talking to myself in these posts but it helps me so much to look back every few days and see the dates and times of situations that happen so I can look back and know.

 

[Fungus_Am0nguz]

@Fungus_Am0nguz i just wanted to say thank you for that story and explanation of what you went through. I’ve been feeling like I’m the only “mega junkie” as I call it.

Meaning people like you who’ve had the ability to somehow procure an exorbitant amount of dank opiates to where the withdrawals change and they become not just horrendous and unbearable, but borderline suicidal trauma that makes you question god and life itself as to how and why were humans created to even feel this abhorrent torture?

Also wanted to add @Fungus_Am0nguz, that the fent patches are pure pharmaceutical fent. It is not the fuckin fluorulfentanyl, valeryfentanyl, 3-methoxyfentanyl, etc. the fent is literally a different analogue each time it feels like.
Every time I pick up I wonder how strong this time it’ll be or weak, or how long it’ll hold me. The high is garbage. It’s almost a pointless drug to be addicted to because you never even get a rush high like heroin where all the super negative consequences of doing heroin were somewhat worth the heroin high at least…. Not with fent you’re just doing it now to stop the fent itself from causing withdrawals!

So ya the patches are good but not transdermal like you said chew or shoot.

And I gotta say I absolutely wish I had the full gallon liter whatever bottle of methadone somehow haha that’s impossible to get. Speaking of which how did you get those bottles of ‘done? And I like clean pharmaceutical opiates better than street ones. When I double up on my methadone with a take home i take 115 mgs X 2 = 230 mgs ‘done and it feels good mellow as fuck and actually somewhat sedation but never nod. Even this fent I got sucked until I popped 2 bars (4 mgs Xanax) and 10 gabapentin 300 mgs (3 grams) smoked a 0.5 gram pre roll joint covered in kief on top of hash oil dripped on it with diamond thc mixed with the weed, and bam I don’t even remember the high which pisses me off! I nodded out holding my phone somehow without locking it and my mom saw me grabbed my phone went through everything…

My texts to dealers where I was actually when I lied to her the previous days and she’s the nicest person on earth she’s tolerated more than any parent mom would ever seriously. I feel so bad.

@Fungus_Am0nguz sorry for going off topic, the whole point of this post was to say there are a small % of us that slip into these “opportunities” to own sooo much substances; coupled with the fact that this small percentage of addicts have extreme receptor burdens in order to stop withdrawals.

I know every addict/junkie likes to brag about how many bags they slammed or how much they did in a day/week. That’s lame I’m not talking about that. People like @Fungus_Am0nguz
(I’m guessing he does have that rare tolerance) end up in a situation where they are incapacitated from the withdrawal symptoms.
I genuinely get goosebumps and anxiety imagining what you went through. It changes you a detox like that. I’ve detoxed a million times from different opioids benzos gaba weed etc. but this time around was different I actually felt and thought I’m going to die.

I lost 40 pounds in 28 days from 220 to 180, I’m 6’1 (Russian Jew if that matters). I slept 5 hours in 25 days and they don’t count it was more like my body literally shutting down and “slept” for 15 minutes or 30 and woke up feeling worse. It changed me forever and I’m sure you too.

Anyways I apologize to anyone reading or posting on this thread if I’m almost talking to myself in these posts but it helps me so much to look back every few days and see the dates and times of situations that happen so I can look back and know.

My man, first off you dont got to apologize for shit, this forum comes in handy when u want to vent or for plp that can identify w your problem, cause we walked in the same shoes. Having said that, what Shadow Self said it trigger that horrific memory of that kick for me and you sir put it even in better words "borderline suicidal trauma that makes you question god and life itself as to how and why were humans created to even feel this abhorrent torture?". Idk how old u r but ive been shooting dope since the late 90s and it always gets worse. For that run that i was talking about what i didnt mentioned was that i lost 4 friends (2 big homies, 1 lil homie and a lil sister), acquaintances probably 5 or 6 more,,,,,in less than a year, one of those I gave the shot and didnt make it (ive made peace with it, didnt put a gun to his head and he wanted it and was going to do it anyways....still sucks though).

A lot of what you said i can relate to 100%, from hurting my mom so many times she must be a saint by now (watch it with that bc parents do get tired, my mom didnt speak to me for 2 years, completely cut me off), also loosing mad weight on a kick (im 5'9 and i probably lost 40 pounds as well on that kick, off course i was bloated like the best alcoholics in town because of the methadone.....one time i reached 113 pounds,,,mom thought i had AIDS, white as a ghost, she made me take the test, it only came back with hep c), to stacking up my methadone doses and taking them to get high, another thing i noticed in your post that i can relate is the drug talk, i can almost taste it, straight up, the way you write about it is like im there w u, pure drug talk coming from every pore.

Now is this the part that you are not going to like but is the most important of this post, my friend im sorry to tell you this but if you really want out (or stabilize on the methadone, which takes guts and brain to admit "i need a full agonist to fully function in this society) you still have to SUFFER. I mean it, you still have to SUFFER a lot, because this disease or whatever the fuck w have, once you think you have reached rock bottom, magically a new shovel appears so you can keep digging yourself under, until u say enough but that takes time, pain, destruction and a lot of suffering. U see, this shit we have is always progressing, it never regresses, so once you crossed that line were drugs are not fun anymore u cant go back, u just cant. And i feel u still havent crossed that line yet. After the suffering is done then you have to WANT IT, to be well i mean. Its 1AM here and i was almost going to sleep but when i read your post i felt that from a copious opiate user to another asking for help i had to respond. Sorry for the harsh words but this is what is it, maybe just maybe in some time you are going to remember these words and think "that mfer funghi was right"
Im right now in the middle off jumping from 20mg of Methadone and 300 Lyrica, you can find my post if you would like to read it. And DM anytime u need to vent or anything else, take care and sending a big hug. (maybe some of those drugs u have in u can rub onto me LOL take it easy out there.

 

[James Peach]

I’m going to say something that is probably really not wise to do so, but I don’t give a fuck.

I NEED TO GET SOMETHING OFF MY CHEST NOW.

@Fungus_Am0nguz those fentanyl patches are why I got my door kicked in by detectives and arrested paraded like a monkey in front of everyone at the apartments and the manager…

I had no idea why they came when I asked why they said “you sold fentanyl and almost killed someone, they ODed and had to be narcaned”

Ready for this? I allegedly “furnished” a “friend/acquaintance” 3 of the 75 mcg patches (mind you I got them by luck I found 8 patches and stole them from a scumbag never had them before or after).

I even low key cut pieces off of it to make them smaller worrying about this idiots tolerance (he’s a tweaker mainly). Well idiot goes home with gf, puts all patches at once and because it’s 72 hours of slow absorption, he thought the first and second weren’t enough. He was chasing heroin rush.

Welp, bozo nodded out knocked over candle fire started too. I don’t believe he ODed. I think he nodded out after a few hours of fentanyl distributing in his body at a rate of 3 patches at once. So let’s say they were 60 mcg not 75 because I ripped off 20% from each one. He was absorbing 180 mcg an hour… of course 5 more hours were close to 1,000 mcg aka 1 mg of pure pharmaceutical fentanyl; and like they show on the news next to a penny, “2 grains of salt 1-2 mgs is enough to kill you!”
Also, this wasn’t the first time he tried them I allegedly bartered 2 of them before to him 1 at a time and he was fine (always refused to sell him street fetty and he begged hard).


To this day i find it weird that it wasn’t even the rock or chunky powder form of fentanyl that you smoke the street stuff is what literally KOs people 1 hit off the foil before they can blow it out they die.

I had to say this out loud or type this out for others to judge me and react because I don’t know how to feel.

They told me he was 30-90 seconds from brain death and then death and I would have been facing 30 years for fentanyl distribution with the result of death.

Ugh.

UPDATE:
I got 3 more bars and 4 more addy again.
I got 5.5 bars total, 6 addy 20 mgs IR, over a gram of Methamphetamine (which I despise and only keep to trade), my last bit of fentanyl like 0.2 from the 0.75 I had, 112 gabapentin 300 mgs, 60 seroquel 200 mgs, Kratom, and the best weed (I’m in LA) bought glass vial with 5 pre rolls 0.5 gram each with kief and concentrates.
And my methadone 115 mgs, tomorrow is Saturday so I get a take home for Sunday which I really want to double dose 115 mgs I wonder how 230 mgs methadone would feel! However, normal take homes? I piss hot every time pretty much, the machine sizzles when it processes all my drugs .

Can’t wait for the results…

“Umm sir you’re positive for dextroamphetamine (adderal), benzodiazepines including lorazepam and alprazolam, fentanyl, methamphetamine, and THC”

Me: Do I get my take homes then??

 

[James Peach]

@Fungus_Am0nguz man all I can say is thank you.
That last post was awesome. I’m always worried mine are too long, but as long as it’s well typed and expressed people will read it all. That post wasn’t harsh at all! The taste and feeling like you’re there makes me feel really good about my posts and what I say! I really thought I’m annoying here.

I wish more people wouldn’t hesitate to type “long” messages on threads like you and I did. If that’s long for someone, give up on life lmao cause one long post isn’t even half a page in a Harry Potter book that kids read.

I would love to continue our conversation over DM so we don’t flood this thread and make people feel alienated.

PS: I would love to hug you too and excrete some of the drugs in me!! Hahaha I get so jealous when I read a thread or comment with someone listing mega stash that I’d kill to have haha.

 

[The Shadow Self]

Dude i was reading James whole post (keep trying to get stabilize James and please try to not use street drugs once u hit the mark with the 'done) anyways and that first line that u wrote brought back one of if not the most hideous devilish horrible kick ive ever done. This happen years ago, I had a friend/connect that he got like 3 gallons of methadone, i was shooting dope with him and doing methadone, until the point were i was taking 250 to 300m of 'done daily, of course the dope couldnt break through that,not matter if you shoot a whole gram, fill the barrel, nothing, so anyways about 2 months into this we get a whole ehem stole boxes of fentanyl 100ml duragesic patches, not this fetty underground shit we have nowadays im taking about the pure grade patches, hundreds of them bro, hundreds, this happen years ago, back then when u broke the patch u put the liquid on your gums but very quickly we learned how to shoot em bastards as well.....and those did break thought the 300m methadone we were taken daily. Anyways long story short when we were 3 more months doing this, he got sent away and i was left with the most horrible wds of my life, as you said WEEKS without eating, without sleeping, shitting puking bone smashing pain. And i kicked this just with weed, my God, does age has something to do with this, if i ever try to do this now at this age, ill die. Im shaking just thinking about it, holy fuck what a kick. Traumatizing as you said......but i didnt stop there. Anyways take care.

Damn. Sounds very familiar, unfortunately. It really was something that changed me forever and even talking about it brings back memories of that insane brand of misery. It was a very dark time for me, but all is well. And, hope all is well now with you!

 

[Fungus_Am0nguz]

Damn. Sounds very familiar, unfortunately. It really was something that changed me forever and even talking about it brings back memories of that insane brand of misery. It was a very dark time for me, but all is well. And, hope all is well now with you!

Yeah those were some dark days, gives me goosebumps, farts and makes me wanna shit myself just thinking about that kick i did back then.Im doing ok man, thanks for asking, Im on day 28 off jumping of 20mg of methadone after taking it for years. Also about 2 weeks ago quit Lyrica as well, and 2 days ago the benzos. The mental attitude helps a ton, still sleep like shit but some nights are better. I made a post on the Recovery forum in case you wanna check the day by day process. Thanks man and take care.