This is what I have -I'm joining this site benzo buddies-
Look , there is no way I can give up this job for 1-3 weeks just after starting. This is my career, I cant afford it - financially, mentally it would put me in a hole. I suppose I am in a hole. I could take a week max. But that would be pushing it so far.
I'm actually a very strong willed person - I left everyone to start a new life in Australia with one goal - sell solar PV - I was great at it, they sponsored me to 2016 then i could of applied for permenate residency.
But one week I got a call saying my dog died, pretty much a week later I got a phone call about my mum. - It was the worst possible timimng as well, the sponsership was approved - I handed a lawyer a dog shit CV and she turned it into gold - but the next week was the big bosses birthday - swimming pool in Brighton Melbourne - proper chefs on the BBQ's, mmulti mililion dolar house and of course unlimited drink - I got so drunk angry, confused, First of all I dating the operations manager who had a casual meth habit - she seen it first and said look just go - I was mean, she burst into tears and ran off, i couldnt fuck up talking about my dead dog, Then I squared up to my line manager and hit me. Sack very next day - job, visa, friends, life, 28 days to leave the country.
A couple of times I drank after that catching uo with ones at home, until a nite fucked up and I decided thats it -no drink - havn't drank in coming on 2 years. All my brothers drink. I don't. I just stopped.
Codiene was harder - infact im popping 4 now ffs, but that will hopefully do me till 2 tonight.
These benzo's - I don't know - I don't know what the fuck I've gotten myself into or how i'll get out - but I will get out - honestly, i'm terrified.
There is evidence that Flumazenil treatment can help repair the gaba receptors - but its a residential treatment. I don't know if they do it in the UK, Ireland or Scotland or Wales - I have heard that it is far far from painless - but you wont take a seziure. I know I have to taper but I just want to quit. The modalert has precipitated withdrawals, I can feel them. I know what they feel like. But It's also woken me up that this is the biggest thing - bar my mother - in my life - if I killed a person, I would devastate her last days on this earth. And destroy my life, I couldn't live with the guilt.
I need the fastest possible taper - there is evidence that Flumazenil is effective in serious addiction and repairing Gaba cells- I'll sell anything I have to get in rehab. It's like the modafinianl has just lifted me 2 foot out of the bubble and I can see a bit clearer now.
The abuse on this thread was also justified and heartfelt. No body knows just how high my usage has climbed. My Da knew id get the odd envelope of pills. He didn't like it, but relationships were being mended and I was able to sit and listen to the hell I put them through - now, I was on benzo's, but they needed to say that to me. If I wasn't I couldn't of sat and absorbed so much justified criticism. I had to make peace with my mother.
I won't even say some of the stuff that happened when I eyeballed half a gram of phenaenzapam and they had to get there son sectioned - who talked his way out in 36 hrs - I can blag - it's good and its bad - but back against the wall i needed out of there - first thing I did was destroyed their car - I was out of it for nearly a month, i got a half way house but live ferrel pretty much. I don't remember. Thank god.
Our relationship had to be built from below zero. We have a good relationship now. I've worked for them. My dad wants me to go into rehab and he doesn't know a 1/10th of it - but then ADHD and dyspraxia run thro our family and my Pa at 60 is on 32mg concerta that i know he doubles up on now an again, my youngest bro is on dextroamphetimine - this modafinial - which god forbid becomes another habit... it's opened up doors in my head that were closed completely.
This is a harm reduction site. And I've been here long enough to really feel the tragedy's that have occured. To this end - if someone would spend a little time trying to create as rapid a taper as possible - remember I have the long half life of the Flubro as well - 4mg's. I promise I will try to help someone out in a similar situation - because nobody has a clue what the scale of the problem is - and what it could become should these become unavailable in the future.
I know this will hurt - but I need to work - I have to - my tolerance is through the roof - but if it can be brought down as fast as possible while still allowing me to function. I'm not expected to excel in my first few weeks - just turn up.
This is what I have -
http://imagizer.imageshack.us/a/img839/5486/j2cy.jpg - 1 liter bottle of propylene glycol - 500ml of the same. frig all eitzolam, some flubro, a 25ml syringe, a 5 ml syringe. Have to get a gram in Monday but this time I'll do it properly and hope fully between here and benzo buddies someone could advise a fast, uncomfortable but not impossible taper.
Thank you for reading this. I think this is a problem that's going to keep popping up with legal benzo's, the scale of the problem could already be huge.
Any help I receive I will reciprocate.
