It's called a lapse bud.
I didn't use for 4 months following Christmas. Without boring folk with the details, I was let down by the final person in my ife who I thought actually still gave a damn about me about 6 weeks ago. I was distraught enough to make such a show of my misery on here, I angered and upset a lot of board members , most notably Bearlove, who was so dismayed by the pathetic way I coped with my misery by burying my head in heroin for the first time this year, he appears to have left the site. I was so low that I managed to ruin the board by depressing a member so much by my drastic deterioration so much he cannot interact on here any more.
When you have to spend the majority of the day alone in order to avoid constant physical and psychological abuse from my mother as standard for being a disgusting fucking druggy' it really galvanises the insight into this obvious fact that there is little motivation to be alive most days. So, when things went tits up at the end of May compelling me to be as far away from what was going on in my head, I naturally as a drug addict, who by definition cannot control their use at times despite the consequences, went too to bed for a week with shitloads of benzos, leaving the village every 3 or 4 days to buy heroin, heroin which as I said, is as good as it was pre 2010. When u end up hitting the downers while that depressed, it makes your mood even lower but when I want to just be so sedated that I do not have to think about anything, then my mood levels become secondary. When yo are in that state it does not take long for the time too pass you by, I remember one Monday ringing the centre to tell them I would not be able to go to the group that week, and was totally honest about why I could not (I was too high for it too be appropriate to attend, and that I could not spend hours in a car with mothers continuous abuse. Before I knew it, 3 weeks had gone, I'd managed to miss and OPA as I was so out of it.
Of most importance however, was the fantastic pre - detoc assessment I had from the doctor, who was completely empathetic that things have been uncharacteristically bad regarding my compulsion to use compared to how stable I was over and after Christmas. He recognises that things have to get back under control, after which I can be admitted and detoxed.
My recovery through the rehabilitation programme I have been offered has been the end game for 18 months, since I started to reduce from the ludicrous 70mg OD methadone dependency that was imposed on me after fially approaching addiction services after 10 years of getting myself off it CT every time I experienced a period of physical addiction (2005 - 2007, then relapsed in 210 for about 4 months, before relapsing again in 2013). I was always reluctant to approach services as I knew that accepting methadone prescription would officially put me on the scrap heap, from which many do not et out of. So surprise, surprise here I am, unemployed for 4 years while trying to control am extremely disturbed individual who is going to cause my father a heart attack any day now due to the demands she makes of him.
OK, so I am enjoying the heroin I am taking and after a period of stability I have cone off the raiils. Do I want to stop using? In a perfect world, and if I could control it, no, but I have no choice if I do not want to die and if life had more to offer I could live without it with little problem (I did before for 3 years, twice). But I've had a bad time of it recently, I have only done what any addict would do when subjected to stress and I have use half as much heroin as I did last week, I have no further plans to use this week if my methadone is being adjusted and the slight increase might hekp keep me clean in the week prior to admission.
If I do not go to detox and complete the rehabilitation programme than what other options do I seriously have? I cannot afford to and do not have the veins to continue using, but I have not the means to get out of the environment which is contributing to my need to use. I need to get out of this fucking house, and I need to get the drugs out of my system professionally now, as life keeps getting a little worse all the time anyway and the only way to live in this house without committing suicide is to be blended by narcotics. I do not want to be a heroin addict any more, I do not want to sit in this house locked away from the world any longer and I want to go back to fucking work. I've really cocked my drug intake up over the past few weeks, regardless of my excuses for mental analgesia, but after wasting 4 years of my life in 'drug treatment' I have more than demonstrated that I need rehabilitating in ever way. I will not be admitted until my methadone has been stabilised allowing them to detox me. Loads of people need the beds, i have been on the waiting list since February and have attended the 'pre - rehab' groups every week since March, but have seen many, much less commuted than myself, get beds extremely quickly, as they tend to be alcohol dependent and need the service in a last ditch to save their life.
So of you are thinking that I want heroin so much that I use it to cope with all of my problems then yes, you are correct. I will be telling them that once I have been detoxed and ready to start. I do not think they will be surprised in the slightest and will then go on to spend the next 13 weeks explaining to me why this is not the right thing to do while preparing me psychosocially to stay away from it once I rejoin real life.
If people could control their drug use they would not need a complete rehabilitation.
