EADD-Heroin-Discussion-v-XXIII-New shit - same old problems

[ordinary mind]

Yeah I'm doing pretty good man, most of my time is preoccupied with work (or at least it feels that way going into a 9-5 for the first time after a long period of unemployment). Been a fairly chill 2017 so far for the most part, yet with just enough substance misuse dotted about to keep things interesting.

 

[BecomingJulie]

Well, my last experiment has shown that there is definitely a sweet spot for heroin use; a level which produces a pleasant enough buzz without being rendered out-of-commission for too long afterwards.

My future research, after an extended tolerance break, will concentrate on how to stop when I get there .....

 

[keeping]

Yeah I'm doing pretty good man, most of my time is preoccupied with work (or at least it feels that way going into a 9-5 for the first time after a long period of unemployment). Been a fairly chill 2017 so far for the most part, yet with just enough substance misuse dotted about to keep things interesting.

cliche; but i can't think of anything worse than a nine-to-fiver
but then again, i can't think of much these days... did i mention heroin? haha i kid but glad to know you;re well mate

Well, my last experiment has shown that there is definitely a sweet spot for heroin use.

heresyyyy

 

[ordinary mind]

Ha it's not so bad. Gives the weekends a revitalized sense of purpose at least.

 

[PredatorVision]

Grim. I think I'd rather just let my eyes pop out from some intense straining.

When you've gone a week without taking a dump and no amount of straining will get you to where you need to be extreme measures have to be taken.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

When you've gone a week without taking a dump and no amount of straining will get you to where you need to be extreme measures have to be taken.

Pah! A week is nowt. I used to do week long no shits regularly ont'gear. Just pity poor FTT and his 8 week no show...

 

[PredatorVision]

Pah! A week is nowt. I used to do week long no shits regularly ont'gear. Just pity poor FTT and his 8 week no show...

Fortunatly I've never been on meth (i've heard that's a bad one for it), opiates make me eat like a pig, I don't know where this doing junk get's you thin stereotype comes from my appetite increases 10 fold and if I go more than 3 days I start to fear my next trip to the bog.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Fortunatly I've never been on meth (i've heard that's a bad one for it), opiates make me eat like a pig, I don't know where this doing junk get's you thin stereotype comes from my appetite increases 10 fold and if I go more than 3 days I start to fear my next trip to the bog.

Yeh, I became a right fat fucker when I was on meth (13 stone FFS, and I'm only 5'11"). I didn't put weight on with gear, but that's because I was either gouching or rattling - no time to eat. But I find that opiates/opioids do make you crave sweet stuff, plus they slow your metabolism down and promote lazyness.

 

[Bella Figura]

I sustained myself on ice cream for quite a while...

 

[keeping]

'One of Bill's most distasteful conversation routines consisted of detailed bulletins on the state of his bowels. "Sometimes it gets so I have to reach in my fingers and pull it out. Hard as porcelain, you understand. The pain is terrible." [...] There was no stopping him. Once people start talking about their bowel movements they are as inexorable as the process of which they speak.'

- William S. Burroughs,
Junky: The Definitive Text of Junk

 

[steewith2ees]

Came off the wagon today, this rehab stuff is seriously looming on the horizon, I've stabilised after my last methadone reduction to 20ml so when I went over to grab my weekend green a couple of hours ago I responded to one of the many 'live' text messages I receive on a daily basis.

It's a pathetic justification but I've stuck with things to the letter since Christmas and with things looking like they could get really serious in the near future I'm making the most of an impulse decision in order to enjoy letting the 'beast out of the cage' for what should very well be the last time as I have plenty of weed and films lined up to look forward to over Easter. The fact that the man appeared in less than 2 mins and met me at the same locale as my ganjaman also made it feel disgustingly righteous.

3 point bags for 15 quid and the idiot actually put heroin in them. I know my tolerance is ultra low but I tested the first one a plate, gauging it of reasonable and acceptable strength albeit not in the Pulp Fiction 'Madman' category, although I would describe it as one of those amusing nutters who you generally get on iwth ok but watch your mouth around in case they take it the wrong way. Either way,the second bag went the wrongest way in the rightist way possible and has just faded after about an hour so I'm off to savour the final one (there are last hits and last hits - you know the line)

I'm seeing the Doctor at the dsp on Monday and will have to report what I have done this evening, as well as my rehab group on the afternoon where I will tell them also, so it's only fair that I record it on Bluelight, my invaluable collection of thoughts both drug induced and ultra - sober induced - in certain circumstances they are juts as depersonalising. I'm off to enjoy the last of it, hopefully it will be a tremendous lick that will leave me feeling like liquid gold and will attach a strong positive emotion to my considered behaviour changes. I have a fat cd on and gorgeous weed to accentuate the vibe so I hope its all good. Or I could kill, injure or maim myself. I hope I don't though

EDIT: I do notice that there has been alot of advanced Protological discussion across a few of the threads so bear with me while I catch up on all that stuff

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Came off the wagon today, this rehab stuff is seriously looming on the horizon, I've stabilised after my last methadone reduction to 20ml so when I went over to grab my weekend green a couple of hours ago I responded to one of the many 'live' text messages I receive on a daily basis.

It's a pathetic justification but I've stuck with things to the letter since Christmas and with things looking like they could get really serious in the near future I'm making the most of an impulse decision in order to enjoy letting the 'beast out of the cage' for what should very well be the last time as I have plenty of weed and films lined up to look forward to over Easter. The fact that the man appeared in less than 2 mins and met me at the same locale as my ganjaman also made it feel disgustingly righteous.

3 point bags for 15 quid and the idiot actually put heroin in them. I know my tolerance is ultra low but I tested the first one a plate, gauging it of reasonable and acceptable strength albeit not in the Pulp Fiction 'Madman' category, although I would describe it as one of those amusing nutters who you generally get on iwth ok but watch your mouth around in case they take it the wrong way. Either way,the second bag went the wrongest way in the rightist way possible and has just faded after about an hour so I'm off to savour the final one (there are last hits and last hits - you know the line)

I'm seeing the Doctor at the dsp on Monday and will have to report what I have done this evening, as well as my rehab group on the afternoon where I will tell them also, so it's only fair that I record it on Bluelight, my invaluable collection of thoughts both drug induced and ultra - sober induced - in certain circumstances they are juts as depersonalising. I'm off to enjoy the last of it, hopefully it will be a tremendous lick that will leave me feeling like liquid gold and will attach a strong positive emotion to my considered behaviour changes. I have a fat cd on and gorgeous weed to accentuate the vibe so I hope its all good. Or I could kill, injure or maim myself. I hope I don't though

EDIT: I do notice that there has been alot of advanced Protological discussion across a few of the threads so bear with me while I catch up on all that stuff

Stee, shit happens, don't beat yourself up about it. However, I would tentatively postulate that this is your subconscious telling you you're not ready for rehab yet. If you were, you wouldn't have done it. I'm not having a go at you mate - I know how these things work. Just saying that rehab is pointless unless you are really and truly ready to stop, for good.

 

[steewith2ees]

I hear you - its all in the context of the slip up though. I've just fired the last one home and it was lush. So I'm allowing myself to revel in the moment of being both happymashed and close in to realtime communication with my preferred members (I love you all of course, I just maintain a mental hareem). If this is the start of a relapse so be it but I do not intend on getting any more so that factor will just have to be seen.The fact is that I stopped back at Christmas, but I don't see not taking heroin as any sort of achievement due to the methadone which, despite causing me the first significant discomfort for the fortnight following the 25 - 20 ml drop has held me perfectly fine (I noticed the last 3 reductions as they stopped holding me for the full 24 period (spent 7 minutes rwiting that last sentence as I was swept away by noddy holder of the golden vibez) but it was tolerable as I always knew that the fix was coming in the next dose.

As I am more than satisfied with the smash provided I hope I can get back on track tomorrow and put it down to a novel but nice Friday night, something that sadly has not existed in this house in 4 years. As for the rehab readiness, you are right but I have to have faith. I've been going to the weekly group for a month now and it is very liberating having not ever engaged in anything like that at all Various members are at various stages of readiness. They accept that anyone wanting to make such a change is naturally going to be ambivalent about it, something which I still am although 90% less than I was when it was first suggested when I finally surrendered to methadone treatment. This evening notwithstanding, I am more motivated to do this thna ever but I still have some way to go, hence the groups. Of course the chronic alcohol dependant people do not even have the option to abstain during the pre - admission care pathway as it would of course be potentially fatal and those that do not die while waiting for a bed in the rehabilitation complex will be admitted to the services 8 bed detox facility for a full inpatient purge with a benzodiazepine substitute taper and the whole works. All I need to do is to not use any drugs for 16 weeks while these guys help me sort my life out and enable me to make positive choices for myself and those around me (should any other humans ever consider spending time doing so for any other reason that they are employed by a element of junkie support ). If I want to get clean, get the best advice on how to stay clean, build a network of human beings I can interact with again and get back into some meaningful employment as soon as possible this is absolutely the only option I have. Simply reducing the methadone down to 0 isn't going to achieve anything as i would just have nothing at all and no reason to be employed by anyone - 'i took the last 4 years off work to get off heroin using methadone' reaches an employer / education providers ears as 'I have been sitting on my arse for half a decade taking class a drugs every day but I feel like doing something constructive now because I'm a useless cunt desperate to grab another life after throwing one down the loo.' All the guys from this place will help me 're integrate' into the community witout my coming over like a leper.

 

[ordinary mind]

Hey Stee, good to see you posting man!

You've pretty much already said it yourself, but a little lapse isn't too much of an issue in the grand scheme of things and not many people get clean without the occasional slip up along the road. So long as you're committed to getting back on track with your reduction plan afterwards then it isn't a big deal. May as well treat it as a well deserved holiday from everyday stresses and carry on where you left off tomorrow.

 

[steewith2ees]

Cheers buddy - I'm always reading but have little to say or report in these dark times I can consider that itch scratched now, bit of Rory McElroy and a few stages of CM Dirt to wake me up after which I have the best part of an 8th of luminous green gunjay to tuck into for the rest of the weekend.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

What meth dose are you down to now mate?

I'd also like to apologise for banging on about rehab again - I've never been so I shouldn't say anything, but I was vodkad and Karpackied up, so forgot we've had the same conversation before - just tell me to fuck off! I also keep forgetting that it's about much more than just getting off the drugs. I don't personally think it would have worked for myself as I didn't need reintegration as such, I was just sick of being an addict, but I'm such an awkward git that i'd have felt pressured and so fucked it up just to spite them

How long will you be in for?

 

[steewith2ees]

You're alright bud, what you say makes sense but I have nothing to lose at this stage and will never know if I don't try. I'm on 20mls of methadone every day now, started reduction last March at 70 then stopped reducing at 30 to give it a rest over Christmas. I held it for a few weeks following the new year as the DWP were insisting I immediately return to work as they saw me as stabilised but once I managed to wangle a final 6 months of ESA out of them to continue the reduction and potentially pay for the services I am trying to access I dropped it another 10ml over the last 8 weeks. I'm going to have another rest over Easter then just drop it 2ml a week or something like that. If a bed becomes available while I am still reducing I will need admitting to there detox unit where they will bring me down to nowt in 2 - 4 weeks regardless of the dose I present on, hence why I am so keen to get as much of the reduction done while still at home (15mls or less seems like a manageable to jump off with / do rapid detox), then once I am drug free I will start a 16 week intensive residential therapeutic rehab course with the promise of help with housing and accessing employment or re - training or education at the end. Either way, a potential 20 week rest from even the passing fume of a spliff is not gong to do me any harm at all in the short or long run.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

16 - 20 weeks residential? Fuck! There's no way I could handle that mate - it's like a prison sentence...


Yeh, you were on 20ml last time we spoke weren't you? Just wondered if you'd reduced any further. Dropping 2ml a week sounds do-able, but I was such a wimp I reduced 2ml a month, and still felt it. You'll feel every reduction now unfortunately, so the temptation to score will be ever present.

Keep up the good work matey

 

[PredatorVision]

Around 2 years ago I toyed with the idea of spending a couple of weeks in a private rehab to get off gear, I had £3,000 saved up.. then I went and checked the fees and saw that that amount wouldn't even cover half a week... who the hell's their target market with fees like that? needless to say I spent the £3,000 on gear instead and had a comfortable two months unemployed getting high every day before necessity forced me into a new job, of which i spent the entire first week rattling, not ideal at all when you've got to learn the ropes and a load of new faces. Subutex saved my job that time but now nearly two years on I finished my subutex and got back onto gear after 3 days coming off 0.4mg subs.. It seems to me that with Subs even if you're coming off a minute amount you still rattle like shit.

I'm back on subs now though buy them with my computer rather than having to go to the pharmacy everyday/other day... The pharmacy were often less reliable than fucking dealers there were numerous times massive panic set in when the pharmasist was late to work, off sick and had no one to cover or they'd just ran out of Subutex and wouldn't be able to get more for another 8 hours.. yeah fuck that.

 

[trip2themoon]

I was at work last night, at about 1am a homeless guy set up his sleeping bag in the doorway of the building I work in. Where I sit at night is beside the screens for the building's camera. He then sits down and starts cooking up a hit. The poor guy took almost 2 hours to get himself. He spent about 45 minutes trying to get into his arms. Then off comes the shoes and socks, eventually he has his trousers at his ankles ,trying to get into his leg. He eventually got it into his leg. The other 2 guys I was on with wanted to phone the police but I said "at least let him take his drugs first). He then zipped up his sleeping bag and crashed out. We had hoped he'd eventually get up and leave but by 5:15 we had to phone the police because other staff come in just after 6. If the boss came in and saw that guy there we would have been asked why we didn't phone the police. The police got there within 20 minutes and just moved him on. I didn't look like he had anything on him because they let him leave after a quick search. Not a good place to have a hit because there is no shelter and it was quite cold at that time in the morning. Things must be bad if you have to take your hit in front of a building and have no where else to go. I hope he's managed to sort himself out a place to crash now.