I personally think that I ruined my own life, but drug prohibition and brainwashing made it really easy to do so.
-I was kicked out of my house at an early age, despite being a top engineering student, because I smoked weed to relax. I was thrown out at midnight on a cold winter night, I didn't even have a chance to grab my winter coat. I was torn from my bed by my mom and thrown out the door because she smelled weed in her room. If only she knew that I was just chilling out with my friends and avoiding alcohol, plus I have extreme social anxiety and couldn't deal with it. They never once thought something might be psychologically wrong with me (BPD, obviously, but 10 years too late) - it was the weed. If I quit weed, all my problems would go away. Well I did that for 3 years and nothing changed, everything got worse and to this day I am shunned from my family and my younger brother.
In my eyes, cannabis prohibition and hysteria tore my family apart. I was just a fuckin stoner, I'm a benzo and heroin addict now and there really isn't very much hope for me left.
-I developed excruciating pain in my spine from a sports injury in my early 20's. It has been 7 years, and the pain is the exact same. It took two years to even get into a pain management clinic and no doctor would prescribe me anything that worked. I tried every pseudo-treatment imaginable over those two years, before deciding to hit up some heroin. I knew I was going to be addicted from day 1, but was in too much physical agony to stand on my feet for more than a few minutes. I couldn't even lay in bed comfortably, it was absolute hell. By the time I got into the pain clinic, I was sniffing H daily, smoking opium, sniffing dilaudid 8mg's, and getting OC 80's.
-During those two years in which I suffered non-stop, excruciating pain despite going to literally 50 doctors for advice, I eventually snapped. I triggered an extreme panic disorder, essentially my whole entire life was a panic attack for an entire year. I was put on seroquel, a fucking antipsychotic, since my GP had lost their licence to prescribe "narcotics" - eventually I kept showing up at the ER claiming I was having a heart attack, since my panic attack always feel like my heart is being squeezed in a vice grip. The psychologist told me to stop taking the fucking seroquel (I was taking a gram a day for a condition that it doesn't treat) and she told me to start taking xanax .5 mg twice a day.
-Well, that wasn't enough and when I got into a psychologist he immediately cut me off the benzos despite how I was too anxious to drive to the appointment. He wrote down the name of two books to read, which I read, and which were bullshit. I ended up getting 10 grams of etizolam powder and making my own 1 or 2mg doses for a while. It's the fucking benzo powders that really got me because I couldn't just be honest with a doctor and say you know this isn't the right dose for me, I'm still having panic attacks all the time. Alcohol was going to kill me, and I haven't had a drink ever since I got on benzos. I just hate how I can't get a legit script for 4mg klonopin daily, so instead I alternate through klonopin, ativan, xanax, bromazepam, etizolam, whatever the fuck I can get. It's horse shit. I wouldn't even have a panic disorder if I hadn't suffered chronic pain like that for 2 years. I know why I snapped.
-All this wasted time trying to medicate myself has resulted in the ruination and total destruction of my life for the past 7 years. I am only off heroin for one week as of today, it is the 8th day, and I still feel like complete shit, I am still mentally ill as fuck, I've been unemployed for a year because I was so caught up in heroin by the end of it I was willing to shoot it without anyone to show me how. Good thing I have good veins from working out before I hurt my back, and playing guitar.
-Presently, I have lost interest in everything. I have a lot of ideas, but my body is too weak and my brain is too fried to follow through with them. These problems ruined my 2 very special relationships I had in my 20's and I have a lot of regrets. I am constantly in tears and feel like a total failure. I do feel better a week off heroin, but my back hurts like hell. I couldn't handle the pain before, how will I know? How will I find employment despite my education if I have too low self esteem it makes it hard to be interviewed or apply for tons of jobs like I need to.
-My health is absolute shit. Sure, heroin doesn't harm the body very much until you try and quit and chronically relapse. I have been in and out of relapses and dope sickness all year this year and I have lost a quarter of my body. I used to weigh a healthy 200lbs and I am presently around 150. I expect to lose more weight because even with smoking 20 joints a day, I still can't eat a week later.
-All the wasted time, the lies and manipulation. Even if I quit, I have SO many issues at this point that it would pretty much be a suicide risk. Why the fuck couldn't I have or presently use dope until I am ready to quit. The chronic pain is hard to live with, and the cost of all these drugs has probably amounted to at least $100,000. It was 15 grand on heroin just this year alone and I wasn't even well more often than not. I am financially ruined and not only that, I'm too sick to hold a job to make up for it.
-I feel completely abandoned by my fellow man, I am reclusive, and misanthropic. I hate everyone. I used to be chill and growing up all I did was pretty much weed.
-It's like a fucking prison sentence. I wish I never touched ANY of this garbage.