Anyone know what to do when all motivation is lost? I'm lazy, apathetic, and I've lost all interest in the things I enjoyed doing.
I've been trying to force myself to produce some music or play guitar, or even get my midi mixer out and play around a bit, but it seems pointless and I have no ideas at all as to what to do next etc.
I enjoy producing music to some extent and I have good technical ability when it comes to manipulating sound, or using more advanced features like compression or in depth distortion/synthesis etc, but creativity = zero.
Not only this, but I also feel anxious often and I don't see the point of going to college anymore. I know I have talent and I'm wasting it all because I haven't done any work in college for months, and suddenly I put my head down and I have the two best pieces of work in class which I had put little effort into.
Even posting this on here is slightly difficult because I feel like I'm being a spoiled or ungrateful cunt, or 'hoping for an easy way out', which I know there is none.
"Chances thrown
Nothing's free
Longing for what used to be"
Also as I've mentioned above, I have underlying anxiety problems which I can't talk to anyone about because I feel ashamed about it. If I have a hospital or dental appointment to go to, once I get there my heart rate will easily be over 160 and pumping out of my fucking chest and all my upper body muscles feel stiffened up. Even going to college has been a chore tbh. I've walked into class drunk many times because alcohol makes me feel so much better, with no hangovers, ever.
Recently I've felt as if I'm not even gonna make it past my 20s. For the last month or two i've constantly been watching heroin and other drug related documentaries and vids, hoping that by some freak chance I get my hands on some hard shit. I've been going on walks and trying to avoid people completely, leaving college late to avoid walking past groups of people, walking through this small forest and chugging beer, hidden away from view. I've got no friends and I don't feel secure in going out with people. I had done in the past and it was borderline awkward, sitting down smoking weed not feeling it at all and of course I'm the only one who doesn't get high and doesn't talk.
Don't know why I'm posting this here either tbh, nobody ever is willing to help but as I've typed this all out I might as well post it. Waste of a good 20 minutes.