Coping with being alone

[LucieQuinn]

I have severe borderline personality disorder due to past trauma and abuse. I was very isolated and sheltered in a foster home growing up, which makes my relationships with ppl not so healthy. i am also an opiate addict.
I have a hard time making friends and the only friends i have righgt now arent even, in fact. An older man and my gay next door neightbor. They barely text me back sometimes and when i invite them over they sometimes say that i ignore them after a while. I try to be the best friend that i can be, not desperate for company, but ever since my best friend died a month ago, ive been desperate for human interaction, and sortof reaching out to anyone who's there because im so alone and afraid and in grief.
My question is...
does it ever get easier? Being alone all the time? I believe in all my despair that i will be a loner for the rest as i live, try as i might to make friends and seek love.
I'm 31... I should be used to this by now. If it werent for dope, id die of loneliness & grief!

 

[darvocet21]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[darvocet21]

Do you go to meetings? NA, AA, GA... I love them all. You don't have to be clean, you don't even have to want to be clean. The people are real, they tell very funny stories which will make you laugh and feel better. Who knows, you may stick around for a while

 

[n3ophy7e]

I have severe borderline personality disorder due to past trauma and abuse. I was very isolated and sheltered in a foster home growing up, which makes my relationships with ppl not so healthy. i am also an opiate addict.
I have a hard time making friends and the only friends i have righgt now arent even, in fact. An older man and my gay next door neightbor. They barely text me back sometimes and when i invite them over they sometimes say that i ignore them after a while. I try to be the best friend that i can be, not desperate for company, but ever since my best friend died a month ago, ive been desperate for human interaction, and sortof reaching out to anyone who's there because im so alone and afraid and in grief.
My question is...
does it ever get easier? Being alone all the time? I believe in all my despair that i will be a loner for the rest as i live, try as i might to make friends and seek love.
I'm 31... I should be used to this by now. If it werent for dope, id die of loneliness & grief!

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can relate. I have Complex PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder and I'm a recovering addict. My best friend ODd nearly 4 years ago and it destroyed me for a long while.

But to answer your question, it can and does get better and easier. Talk therapy is hugely successful for people like us with BPD and addiction issues. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) is the go-to type of therapy for BPD. Have you tried or considered trying therapy?

 

[telepathetic]

Even without therapy, it does get a bit better. It can still be hard, im a fewyears into isolation myself. I am sure its more difficult with the PD. Feel free to reach out if you need to chat

 

[Agentahna]

I have severe borderline personality disorder due to past trauma and abuse. I was very isolated and sheltered in a foster home growing up, which makes my relationships with ppl not so healthy. i am also an opiate addict.
I have a hard time making friends and the only friends i have righgt now arent even, in fact. An older man and my gay next door neightbor. They barely text me back sometimes and when i invite them over they sometimes say that i ignore them after a while. I try to be the best friend that i can be, not desperate for company, but ever since my best friend died a month ago, ive been desperate for human interaction, and sortof reaching out to anyone who's there because im so alone and afraid and in grief.
My question is...
does it ever get easier? Being alone all the time? I believe in all my despair that i will be a loner for the rest as i live, try as i might to make friends and seek love.
I'm 31... I should be used to this by now. If it werent for dope, id die of loneliness & grief!

I have BPD and one thing that really helped me was something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, I did it in rehab and I was like, damn, this shit works, so during quarantine I paid for an online DBT class too. The shit works man that's all I gotta say. Another thing that has really helped me a lot is meetings, I was at a rehab in Raleigh NC called Healing Transitions and I started going to meetings EVERY mfin DAY sometimes twice a day, my favorite was Crystal Meth Anonymous, they have a group in Raleigh NC called "put the pipe down" haha and other groups. I am a tweaker so I identified with that a lot, I met my old sponsor there, meetings are a great place to meet people -I try to stick to meeting people of the same sex though some meetings can really be sausage fests and the men can be kinda aggressive and just not what you need right now while you're grieving. (I don't know your gender maybe you're a guy though, in that case you know what I mean)
The women I went to rehab with are like my sisters now, if you ever want to make some REAL friends, go to rehab. If I call up one of my homegirls from healing transitions right now and said "hey, I'm craving alcohol" they would stop what they're doing and either come get me or talk to me until I'm not having a craving anymore. I've also met some good friends at an oxford house.

Another thing that helped me when my dad died was that I would do random acts of kindness for people when I really missed him to kind of like, honor him. I usually can buy a stranger lunch, buy someone's groceries, go to the Christian store and find something meaningful and give to someone, do community service at the cat shelter, or get on my knees on my bed and just talk to God and tell him what's going on and cry and ask him for strength and to heal my pain. When I got sober this time, this last time, (the time that worked) I got on my knees a few nights and cried so hard and poured my heart out to God and asked him to make me stop craving meth and alcohol and He did it!! I felt relief. I haven't prayed on my knees in a long time but this morning, I am going to pray for you and I don't just say that I really pray for people!!! It will get better hun!!!

 

[telepathetic]

I have BPD and one thing that really helped me was something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, I did it in rehab and I was like, damn, this shit works, so during quarantine I paid for an online DBT class too. The shit works man that's all I gotta say. Another thing that has really helped me a lot is meetings, I was at a rehab in Raleigh NC called Healing Transitions and I started going to meetings EVERY mfin DAY sometimes twice a day, my favorite was Crystal Meth Anonymous, they have a group in Raleigh NC called "put the pipe down" haha and other groups. I am a tweaker so I identified with that a lot, I met my old sponsor there, meetings are a great place to meet people -I try to stick to meeting people of the same sex though some meetings can really be sausage fests and the men can be kinda aggressive and just not what you need right now while you're grieving. (I don't know your gender maybe you're a guy though, in that case you know what I mean)
The women I went to rehab with are like my sisters now, if you ever want to make some REAL friends, go to rehab. If I call up one of my homegirls from healing transitions right now and said "hey, I'm craving alcohol" they would stop what they're doing and either come get me or talk to me until I'm not having a craving anymore. I've also met some good friends at an oxford house.

Another thing that helped me when my dad died was that I would do random acts of kindness for people when I really missed him to kind of like, honor him. I usually can buy a stranger lunch, buy someone's groceries, go to the Christian store and find something meaningful and give to someone, do community service at the cat shelter, or get on my knees on my bed and just talk to God and tell him what's going on and cry and ask him for strength and to heal my pain. When I got sober this time, this last time, (the time that worked) I got on my knees a few nights and cried so hard and poured my heart out to God and asked him to make me stop craving meth and alcohol and He did it!! I felt relief. I haven't prayed on my knees in a long time but this morning, I am going to pray for you and I don't just say that I really pray for people!!! It will get better hun!!!

Interesting. I didn't have the same experience with the number of rehabs I went to. I met a few friends - they have all relapsed. Nothing to write home about. Guess women are more there for each other.

I really ought to give meetings another try, it was interesting how you said you have a bunch of "sober friends" from 12 step communities who know you smoke weed and stuff, because in my experience with the groups I went to that can get you ostracized if you are too open about it. Maybe Crystal meth anonymous are cooler.

As for the God stuff, I dont want to belittle your experience, and perhaps its because I come from a more agnostic or chaotic background, but I found myself utterly alone in my battle for stability, sobriety, and clarity, and a sort of spiritual hollowness that didn't subside until I did the hard work myself.

This also applies to atheists, who may not have the psychological phenomenon to rely upon for comfort, and is another issue i take with the 12 step thing - if praying away your addiction and pain worked the 12 step programs would have a lot higher rates of success than they do (which statistically is lower or equal to those who quit on their own or in other programs).

Maybe I just have a sour taste in my mouth from it. Maybe it's my fault I'm lonely.

Anyway, im glad it worked for you, and I dont want to derail OP thread.

I've found BL immensely more helpful for support than 12 step, just saying, and I wish there was more harm reduction based recovery groups in person, rather than the strictly abstinence based ones that is 12 step. I mean is OP really likely to make a bunch of friends nodding out at NA?

Edit: going to a more local rehab was probably beneficial to you, all mine have been states away and with people from all over the place

 

[Agentahna]

Interesting. I didn't have the same experience with the number of rehabs I went to. I met a few friends - they have all relapsed. Nothing to write home about. Guess women are more there for each other.

I really ought to give meetings another try, it was interesting how you said you have a bunch of "sober friends" from 12 step communities who know you smoke weed and stuff, because in my experience with the groups I went to that can get you ostracized if you are too open about it. Maybe Crystal meth anonymous are cooler.

As for the God stuff, I dont want to belittle your experience, and perhaps its because I come from a more agnostic or chaotic background, but I found myself utterly alone in my battle for stability, sobriety, and clarity, and a sort of spiritual hollowness that didn't subside until I did the hard work myself.

This also applies to atheists, who may not have the psychological phenomenon to rely upon for comfort, and is another issue i take with the 12 step thing - if praying away your addiction and pain worked the 12 step programs would have a lot higher rates of success than they do (which statistically is lower or equal to those who quit on their own or in other programs).

Maybe I just have a sour taste in my mouth from it. Maybe it's my fault I'm lonely.

Anyway, im glad it worked for you, and I dont want to derail OP thread.

I've found BL immensely more helpful for support than 12 step, just saying, and I wish there was more harm reduction based recovery groups in person, rather than the strictly abstinence based ones that is 12 step. I mean is OP really likely to make a bunch of friends nodding out at NA?

Edit: going to a more local rehab was probably beneficial to you, all mine have been states away and with people from all over the place

Most everyone I was in rehab with is still sober, I was one of the fuck ups, it took me a few tries cause I kept leaving rehab, getting hotel rooms by myself, getting high on meth and binge drinking, then coming back drunk as shit and having to go to detox and restart the program. Every time I left rehab and did that I had a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE experience I don't know why it took a few times to click with me. The last time I left rehab some of the girls cried and I don't think I've ever felt that much love in my life. One of my best friends there made me take a nasal narcan spray that I ended up USING on a complete stranger months later. It saved his life! Now I keep that "thang" on me (narcan) and I don't even do opiates. At all. But you never know!
Healing transitions is the shit and it's free if you ever go back to rehab please try that place. It is hard as SHIT but it's worth it.



OP I'm not saying you need to go to rehab I'm just saying that it's somewhere that you won't feel alone
BL is awesome and I'm a new member here too, if you ever want to talk hit me up I'm in NC!

 

[tweakerguy]

"If praying away your addiction and pain worked, the 12 step programs would have a lot higher rates of success than they do."

"I found myself utterly alone in my battle for stability, sobriety, and clarity, and a sort of spiritual hollowness that didn't subside until I did the hard work myself"

You clearly have the answer to your own skepticism.
Many, if not most of the people going to those meetings aren't there to work a serious program, or intend to do any of the legwork.

They go for the socializing, they go to get laid, to meet new drug connects, meet active users, court orders, etc.
Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good people in the program who have definitely benefitted by actually putting in the effort. Likewise, I also knew many who fell into the IDGAF catagory that were court ordered or just expecting immediate miracles to occur the first time they say the Lord's prayer lol.
Still, many of em good people.
I fell into the 'Social Trap' aspect on good days, or just went to hit on the women on bad days.
However, even being as soft an approach to the "finding your higher power" stuff as they are, I still believe people only truly find God on their own terms, when they're ready.
AA, NA, CA, CMA, SA, NWA, AAA, YMCA, etc, as positive as these groups can be, they mostly felt very "cliquey" and almost like you were trading a drug addiction for a co-dependency/social meet-up addiction.

Went off the rails there, my main point was God helps those who help themselves.

 

[axe battler]

Yeah man meetings will help you get out and meet people. You're now destined to be lonely. There's always a way to meet people. You don't have to do NA/AA as there's other kinds of meetings based around CBT. They used to be called SMART meetings but they've changed names I think.
Have a look online and see what's out there.
You sound very lonely. Don't seem too desperate when you do meet people as it can scare people away who are a bit timid/shy.

 

[darvocet21]

I have BPD and one thing that really helped me was something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, I did it in rehab and I was like, damn, this shit works, so during quarantine I paid for an online DBT class too. The shit works man that's all I gotta say. Another thing that has really helped me a lot is meetings, I was at a rehab in Raleigh NC called Healing Transitions and I started going to meetings EVERY mfin DAY sometimes twice a day, my favorite was Crystal Meth Anonymous, they have a group in Raleigh NC called "put the pipe down" haha and other groups. I am a tweaker so I identified with that a lot, I met my old sponsor there, meetings are a great place to meet people -I try to stick to meeting people of the same sex though some meetings can really be sausage fests and the men can be kinda aggressive and just not what you need right now while you're grieving. (I don't know your gender maybe you're a guy though, in that case you know what I mean)
The women I went to rehab with are like my sisters now, if you ever want to make some REAL friends, go to rehab. If I call up one of my homegirls from healing transitions right now and said "hey, I'm craving alcohol" they would stop what they're doing and either come get me or talk to me until I'm not having a craving anymore. I've also met some good friends at an oxford house.

Another thing that helped me when my dad died was that I would do random acts of kindness for people when I really missed him to kind of like, honor him. I usually can buy a stranger lunch, buy someone's groceries, go to the Christian store and find something meaningful and give to someone, do community service at the cat shelter, or get on my knees on my bed and just talk to God and tell him what's going on and cry and ask him for strength and to heal my pain. When I got sober this time, this last time, (the time that worked) I got on my knees a few nights and cried so hard and poured my heart out to God and asked him to make me stop craving meth and alcohol and He did it!! I felt relief. I haven't prayed on my knees in a long time but this morning, I am going to pray for you and I don't just say that I really pray for people!!! It will get better hun!!!

CMA is my new favorite group, love it!

 

[LucieQuinn]

Do you go to meetings? NA, AA, GA... I love them all. You don't have to be clean, you don't even have to want to be clean. The people are real, they tell very funny stories which will make you laugh and feel better. Who knows, you may stick around for a while

No, i haven't tried meetings yet, possibly because i am still a user, but i didnt know you didnt have to be clean.
Thanks for the advice.

 

[darvocet21]

No, i haven't tried meetings yet, possibly because i am still a user, but i didnt know you didnt have to be clean.
Thanks for the advice.

The newcomer is the most important person at every meeting

 

[LucieQuinn]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can relate. I have Complex PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder and I'm a recovering addict. My best friend ODd nearly 4 years ago and it destroyed me for a long while.

But to answer your question, it can and does get better and easier. Talk therapy is hugely successful for people like us with BPD and addiction issues. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) is the go-to type of therapy for BPD. Have you tried or considered trying therapy?

I have an option to do outpatient therapy. I have a problem with talking to people i barely know. The last therapist i have judged me. I left because i felt severely uncomfortable every time i went to talk to her.

 

[n3ophy7e]

@Agentahna and @darvocet21 , CMA has always been one of my favourite meetings and I've never touched meth in my life! I just find it to be generally a younger, more accepting, easy-going crowd. I don't know why.

No, i haven't tried meetings yet, possibly because i am still a user, but i didnt know you didnt have to be clean.
Thanks for the advice.

Yeah you definitely don't HAVE to be clean, especially for your first meeting. But of course being clean is the goal.
Another thing about meetings is you don't have to speak in them! Even if you get asked to speak, you can politely decline. No one will judge you. There's one old guy in one of my regular AA meetings, he's been going to AA for like 30 years and has never once spoken So there's no pressure.

I have an option to do outpatient therapy. I have a problem with talking to people i barely know. The last therapist i have judged me. I left because i felt severely uncomfortable every time i went to talk to her.

Oh of course hun, that is understandable. Trust is HUGE, especially with BPD. Therapists are all different though, and sometimes it takes a few goes to find the one who is right for you. So if you are open to the idea, maybe try again when you feel ready. It really can help a lot.

 

[LucieQuinn]

I like the random acts of kindness idea. it always makes me feel better when i make a stranger smile.
I'm definitley going to try the AA/NA meeting thing. I am not only going to make friends, but i am going to hopefully be convinced to get sober. I need to cope with the loss of Mike in some other way than dope & sex.

 

[LucieQuinn]

Do you go to meetings? NA, AA, GA... I love them all. You don't have to be clean, you don't even have to want to be clean. The people are real, they tell very funny stories which will make you laugh and feel better. Who knows, you may stick around for a while

What is GA?

 

[LucieQuinn]

My best friend ODd nearly 4 years ago and it destroyed me for a long while.

Sorry for your loss...........

I, too, feel destroyed....

he & I were codependent on one another. He was also my neighbor and we could literally hear each other through the walls. We used to stay home together all day and party, make love, shoot shit, conversate for hours.

How long did it take for you to feel like you could finally breathe again?

 

[RxBuzzzzzzzzzz]

What is GA?

Gamers probably. Video game addiction is a huge thing now.

 

[RxBuzzzzzzzzzz]

I have severe borderline personality disorder due to past trauma and abuse. I was very isolated and sheltered in a foster home growing up, which makes my relationships with ppl not so healthy. i am also an opiate addict.
I have a hard time making friends and the only friends i have righgt now arent even, in fact. An older man and my gay next door neightbor. They barely text me back sometimes and when i invite them over they sometimes say that i ignore them after a while. I try to be the best friend that i can be, not desperate for company, but ever since my best friend died a month ago, ive been desperate for human interaction, and sortof reaching out to anyone who's there because im so alone and afraid and in grief.
My question is...
does it ever get easier? Being alone all the time? I believe in all my despair that i will be a loner for the rest as i live, try as i might to make friends and seek love.
I'm 31... I should be used to this by now. If it werent for dope, id die of loneliness & grief!

I am always up for a good chat