Okay mine is, part of it has already happened. But I'll start with the part that hasn't: We are on cocaine, and I feel this strange closeness to my friend. I don't know if she feels the same feeling, but I know there is something there. Neither of us have a romantic interest in each other. I want to make passionate love to her. Not fuck her, or even just have sex with her. I don't know if I even want sex. I want everything before sex with her. But here's the thing, it will be entirely meaningless at the same time. It won't change our feelings toward each other. I just want intimacy and closeness with a person I find very interesting.
Part of the fantasy that has happened is. We were on coke, and in the back of the car to a friend's house. She has her earbuds in listening to music and I (awkwardly) take her earbud out and go close to her and ask her very casually "Hey, ...., Do you want to.. kiss?". She's just like "hm, maybe later". So you probably don't know me but me doing that took a lot of confidence (even on coke). I felt great that I actually had just went out and straight up expressed exactly what had been on my mind for so long.
Later comes, and I had thought that perhaps "maybe later" was a polite way of saying no. I decided that I wouldn't ask again because I'd rather take maybe later as a no than a real no if that makes sense. So it is the time to finish of the cocaine, my other friend who was with us doesn't want to do more. So just her and I go out for a walk. We do all the coke, talk a lot and really enjoy being alone with each other. We walk back to my friend's place, but she stops before the window/door and asks if we should go inside or stay out and talk. I hesitate to answer her question, not intentionally. I guess she noticed that I was kinda staring at her I think I was smiling too. Then she asked me "Do you want to kiss me?". Being pretty high on coke, later I wished I had been more prepared for this. I wanted to be more intimate, like put my hands on her waist or her face or something. I did at first but then she told me she wanted to kiss me, not the other way around. She also asked me a few times that if I was okay with this being meaningless to her and she's only doing it cause she's on a drug. I agreed and told her It was meaningless to me too. I'm not sure if she believed me. So I let her kiss me, and it was amazing. It was chaste. but I was overwhelmed not by the kiss itself, but by the context it was in. I think the fact she chose to kiss me for no reason, but she was not reluctant at all about it. I know she didn't do it just cause she felt like she should, or she felt sorry for me or something. Anyway. best of all though, her and I are the only ones privy to this information. I'm not going to tell anyone about this. I don't even wanna bring it up with her any time soon.. but I know that it will come up eventually and I have to be ready to express myself accurately. I kinda think that she might suspect that I do like her and I'm kinda worried that if I don't settle her concern right that she just isn't gonna believe me when I tell her that I'm not going to have feelings for her that's gonna spoil our friendship. I just don't know if "my wanting closeness and intimacy that's entirely meaningless" makes sense.
I think I can sum up my fantasy. after having thought about it enough while writing this, I think the reason it has to be her is because she is one of the only people I know doesn't judge me. She doesn't have to fake anything. It's meaningless and she doesn't care.
I wish he would show up, smarter and let me cuddle him and learn and kiss away his past. all the years of hurt on his arms :/ sigh
