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August: getting/staying sober thread vs. seasons end

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You can do it C.H. <3 Ive had some miserable days, and it feels like itll never end, but if u just stay strong & keep moving forward, it will. & remember the alternative-a life trapped in addiction-isnt any better and in many ways is worse.
 
neversickanymore said:
In the past I had this happen as well. This is why this time I did not count days at all.. if I dont really know how long ive been clean then my addiction does not now how long its been waiting. So it does not get all bitchy and hit me with some of its manipulations.

I also dont ever tell myself never again.. Just not today. One day at a time as the fellowships say.
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Yeah, I like day counting personally but I could see how others do not. I have tried it both ways and day counting tends to keep me on track and gives me something to be proud of. I think I would notice the symptoms no matter what. I very much feel emotions and other things physically. Plus, I think the human body is keyed into lunar cycles in ways we do not know or understand. Every other organism is, why wouldn't we be you know?

It still tries to manipulate me though. But I am noticing it less and less and when it does, its pretty easy to recognize (however, they have become more complex)

Just for today is what I do as well. I cannot promise anything.

I feel much much better today. Actually, I felt really great by the end of last night. I got out and hungout with some other clean folks and went to a great speaker meeting.
 
Today i had a milestone... I had an hour or two of happiness and contentment ::::before i dosed::::. I woke up achey and sniffly and sick as usual, but then my day got better, and i was actually happy for a couple hours.. Not 'i feel pretty good but im still sick, cant wait to dose'. I was just happy. Writing it down here for posterity :)
 
BlueSaffron said:
Today i had a milestone... I had an hour or two of happiness and contentment ::::before i dosed::::. I woke up achey and sniffly and sick as usual, but then my day got better, and i was actually happy for a couple hours.. Not 'i feel pretty good but im still sick, cant wait to dose'. I was just happy. Writing it down here for posterity :)
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Oh man, that is huge!!! Shows that your mind and body is recalibrating and "normalizing". I actually think that when I started to have those moments they tended to occur in the afternoon or the late night. I am proud of you!

Captain.Heroin said:
241 days off suboxone

I am seriously miserable :(
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That is a huge accomplishment. Sorry you do not feel good today. Let me know if I can do anything.
 
Thanks so much everyone <3

I am just hoping to feel better soon. I haven't had a common cold in years.
 
Cleaning my apartment and watching the news today (I am a news freak, especially foreign policy). Feeling better, but not perfect today.
 
phactor said:
Oh man, that is huge!!! Shows that your mind and body is recalibrating and "normalizing". I actually think that when I started to have those moments they tended to occur in the afternoon or the late night. I am proud of you!
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I do think it's finally happening. Two months and two weeks into being on methadone (roughly - I got on at the end of May, I think the 25th or something?) and sometimes I felt like it would never happen... I thought my brain was permanently broken. It's not :) I'm also realizing that my mindset plays a part. I've realized that much of this time I'm always focused on chemical relief - either waiting til I can dose in the morning and feel better for a few hours, or thinking about when I'm off it and "my brain is finally normal", or saying fuck it and using the time I relapsed on dope or the times I took a vicodin, or even having a drink now and then, or thinking about doing dope even though I know I'm not going to, sometimes I'd let myself fantasize about it. My mindset was always "I don't feel good and I'm not happy and I won't BE happy unless I either take something or wait months and months til my brain is totally normal". It's what I honestly believed at the time, but now I'm seeing that if I continue to think that way, I'm going to be pretty miserable. Life and happiness are what you make of them. So what my methadone is wearing off (as usual for around this time). That means I can't be happy? No matter what? What kind of attitude is that to have?

So I'm doing my best not to think about when I dose or how long it's been since I dosed, or whether my dose will be wearing off soon, or whether I should have a drink (I try to keep it to twice a week). I'm trying to live my life and behave as if my brain chemistry were normal already and it's up to ME whether I'll be happy today or not, not what level of a chemical is or isn't in my blood :) I'm not saying it's easy or in the bag for me or that I've got it all figured out... I depended on drugs for so long that it's hard to completely let go of that, so I still sometimes focus on what I've taken or not taken or wish I was taking, but I'm more aware of it now and just keep reminding myself that I can't base my happiness on that. :) I mean really, what chance am I giving myself if I think "3pm, my methadone's going to be a lot worn off soon to the point where I start to feel a little crappy... no way I'm going to be happy for the rest of the day".. ?

Only took me 2 1/2 months to realize that, lol.
 
BlueSaffron, you are #ucking rocking this!

Thecatinthehat, be strong man. Glad you didn't do it!

Sobriety, when the hardest thing in the world is to do nothing.
 
THECATINTHEHAT said:
Very nearly bought heroin and crack today.
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glad you didn't do it. Everytime you really want to & don't, you get stronger. It doesn't feel like it at the time, it just feels like you go home and sit there thinking about it, bummed out... but down the line you'll see that each time you don't do it, you grow. xx

Thanks Azure :)
 
Great job Azure! They say you need 21 days to make something new a habit, so now you should be in the "habit" of not doing uppers ;) No cigs is awesome too.
 
BlueSaffron said:
Great job Azure! They say you need 21 days to make something new a habit, so now you should be in the "habit" of not doing uppers ;) No cigs is awesome too.
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Thanks BlueSaffron.
I don't miss the stims at all. I fully realize how bad they mess me and my life up. Cigarette abstinence is actually a little bit harder atm; I'm eating a lot to satisfy the oral fixation and boredom but I'm also exercising quit a bit as well; I hope the exercising partially cancels out the extra calorie going down my pie hole.
 
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I drop down to 13 mg tomorrow... Fuck, the end is almost here. I'm already starting to get the pins and needles in my feet and legs at night, like i did last time when i hit 13. I get to sleep, but i wake up a few times a night, its not a GOOD sleep. Im having really vivid dreams, too.

I cant believe its almost over. Lately when i think of using my first thought is "yeah okay, even if i decided fuck it, id rather just stay on opiates"- i cant afford it. Id be ok at first cos my tolerance is low, but in a couple of months id start needing to spend 20-40 a day, and i just cant do that right now. And im not going to choose dope over having a roof over my head. So its kind of a moot point whether i WANT to stay a junkie or not-i cant afford to. So its kinda out of my hands. Might as well stay clean i guess :)

Eta: fell asleep and had a super vivid dream:

I was in a parking lot on a rainy day waiting for my friend T to score some dope for us. He's kind of sketched out sometimes... So he comes to the drivers side window where im sitting and hands me something in a rolled up paper napkin. I take it and open it while he goes around to get in the passenger side. Inside the napkin, theres like a metal cylinder, like a cage, and inside it, with almost no room to move, is a gerbil. I say "oh my god!".. It looks like someone put him in there on purpose. Hes trying desperately to get out, but he cant move much.

"We have to go to Target!" I say. Theres a Target three stores over-my plan is to get a little rodent cage and a water bottle and some food for him and get him out of that metal thing. T says ok and we get out. In real life the Target is only two stores away, but in the dream we go through McDonalds and Chipotle-and theres no Target, its not where its supposed to be. We keep walking through a maze of fast food restuarants and glass doors... I keep thinking we're almost there, i keep looking down, worried the gerbil will hurt itself or die trying to get out...

Then i woke up.
 
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24 more everyone=D

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afternoon depression like clockwork, as soon as my methadone starts to wear off. I hate it, so much.

13 mg today. On Aug. 31 I'll be on 8, maybe I'll jump then.
 
BlueSaffron said:
afternoon depression like clockwork, as soon as my methadone starts to wear off. I hate it, so much.

13 mg today. On Aug. 31 I'll be on 8, maybe I'll jump then.
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You are doing great. Fxxx depression, you are awesome and inspirational!

Me: 27 days amph free, 10 days cig free! I love being alive....one day I'll love my life!
 
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