-alone-

You broke my heart, josh...and melissa, I hope you continue to break mine for years to come. I love you, sweetheart.
 
...and sometimes i'll be sitting in my favorite chair, and i'll think of you josh. The same chair i sit in when i think of all the people i love, and all the people i've lost...and i'll shed a tear b/c i miss you so...
 
I often find myself wondering how long this exquisite pain is going to last. Inevitably, I come to the conclusion that it will last the rest of my life... just as the blessed memories will last. Someone once said, "tears are the proof of love... the more love, the more tears." I try to remind myself of this whenever I am wishing the pain away... how could I ask that the pain leave me, if in doing so I would be also wishing away the memories of our love that I keep close to my heart? I'd withstand this pain and a hundred-fold more just to keep the memories of the love we shared... all the memories, good and bad. When it comes right down to it, the pain of grief is the price we pay for love... I recieved so much love from Joshua that the payment is high, but well worth every bit of it.
Thank you all for your sentiments... I lurk around this thread quite a bit and even as it brings back painful memories it also comforts me... thank you, for those small comforts... they are one of few that make even a barely perceptable dent in this thick cloud of grief that now encompasses my life. Comforts don't come easy to me these days, so every little bit helps.
One of Joshua's greatests gifts to the world was, as you all know, his ability to write - from his very core, brutally honest and heartfelt. I've made it one of my missions to see that his gift not go to waste... everything he's written on here has been copied down and is being bound, along with some of his letters he wrote to me during our courtship and marriage, and will someday be in a format able to be passed around... to friends, to family. It's a project we started before his death, intending on passing it onto our child... after losing the baby, Joshua, in his pain, abandoned the project, but I'm determined to see it through - to have his legacy passed on in his memory.
I'm rambling. Sorry. Anyway... I just wanted to thank you all again, for keeping this piece of him alive here on Bluelight. Even though we left the site quite some time before his death, the friends we made here never left our hearts. I think of many of you often, and look forward to the day that I am strong enough to contact you... to see you again...
Until then, yours always,
Melissa
 
Mel, I told you the last time I saw you - and don't think you'll ever get me to stop saying it - the strength is already in you. That doesn't help, it may even be worse, but it's there. Your silence doesn't hurt us. Your pain does, but we bear it gladly, just as you do.
I loved him so much, baby girl, so much. And I promised him a long time ago that I would never forget the things we learned from each other, and that I would bring those things to everyone that my life touched and would hear me. So I'm doing that now, it's what gets me through the day. Because you know what keeps coming back to me? Of all of it, the one thing I can't come to terms with is that I never got to tell him how proud I was of him. And I was. Every day that I knew Josh I was so proud of him, and I never said that. So I won't make that mistake again, with you. Because I'm proud of you too, and I don't know many things in this world that are more precious than you are.
Moments of clarity and moments of confusion. I don't know which is better or worse, I don't think we need to know. I love you, sweetheart.
 
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:(
this is the saddest thread i have ever read...
both the writing and the replies to it are so very touching...
:(
 
"i know i'll see you again, whether far or soon, but i need you to know, that i care and i misssss youuuuuuuuuu"
miss you joshy.
 
This is something Josh had written to some of us in an email. I wanted to share it and today it feels right
Yes life is wonderful. Yes we love to surround ourselves with those we
> love...but the sad fact is we truly never know when they will be whisked away
> from us.
>
> Please, Please, Please...If you love someone...anyone...tell them. Let them
> know how you feel. Show them that you are forever greatful that they are a
> part of your life.
>
> I've been fortunate to have the blessing of family and friends...friends like
> you...whom I do love and cherish with every ounce of my soul.
Click to expand...
 
hmph... this indeed is the most touching thread i've ever gone through... this is the first time i view this forum... for the last few days i have been reading and posting replies in many forums, for it makes me feel like i am talking with ppl. as soon as i came into this forum i looked through the topics and the "alone" link captured my attention, and i thought to myself... hmmm... i am alone... i feel lonely... and so i read the story posted by Joshua... it was very touching... the part where he wrote what the oldman said to him.."Son...just because you're lonely....doesn't mean you're alone. Love is the best friend anyone could ever ask for."... it made me think... yes.. i am not alone...and i jumped straight to the last page bcoz i wanted tell him how beautiful the story was.. but as soon as i saw Melissa's post to thank everyone, only to notice Joshua is no longer around... sigh... its so sad.. its a great loss to everyone...
 
if i got a nickel every time you crossed my mind in one day i would be a rich girl by now...
I love you josh, and i miss you so.
*bump*
 
I remember that email, Pea...he always did have a way words...*sigh* what a sweetie!!!!
Mel, I think of you often, even if you haven't been able to tell..I, too, for different reasons have been silent maybe because I never knew how to really react to this whole thing...I loved that boy, but somehow I think that he never knew that...we were smartass's to one another and although at the time it was just the way our friendship responded to one another I now regret never telling him or you for that matter, just how much the two of meant and still mean to me!! In fact, this is the first time I think I've ever even expressed any of this out loud (so to speak)!!!
You're strength astounds me and the love the two of you shared is only a love I can hope to one day know!!! Always keep that alive :)
We are here for you WHENEVER YOU ARE READY!!!!
love you
-aly
[ 20 November 2002: Message edited by: alykitty ]
 
This is the thread i needed to read right now - it always reminds me that even iwhen i am feeling low, and even when nothing is going right, how important it is to not lose sight of the bigger picture. SOmething i hate to remember, but am loathe to forget.
I didn't know you Josh, but thatnk you anyway. I'm sure you have touched more of us on Bluelight than you were even concious of...
 
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