Advice on my MDMA recovery

[Delfin]

Hi everyone I actually promised myself not to visit BL until i felt a significant improvement in my recovery, but I just got an appointment at the psychiatric hospital this tuesday, where I'm going through some tests and I'm meeting with a psychiatrist who apparently is a specialist on drug abuse.

about my condition. I'm now 2 months in on my recovery, after my first MDMA experience, and lately things have turned worse! Unlike other reported comedowns on this site, I only seem to suffer from one symptom - a severe depression! I maybe I get a bit anxious aswell at times, but its not a big deal. Also i have no cognitive issues, brain fog, DR/DP and so on. My depressive symtomps are really bad though! For two months I havent been able to enjoy anything, even though I've been very socially active. everyday is such a struggle, and lately I've had suicidal thoughts daily!

Anyways, I would really consider doing medication if my psychiatrist suggest it on tuesday. I know a lot of you is against SSRI and suggest the "natural Way" but I've come to a point where I nearly cant take it anymore.. I'm exercising twice a day, eating right and socializing - but nothing really works for me.

So If anyone have some good experience or advice on medication, I would really like to hear from you.

And if anyone have experienced the same comedown as me, with depression as the only symptom, I would love to hear from you as well - especially if you recovered

Thank you

 

[xammy]

Why do you automatically connect this depression to your MDMA use?

 

[Delfin]

Because it all started 2 days after i used.. Before this I lived a pretty fine life and was doing good in al matters - School, friends, girls, etc. But most of all, I enjoyed life, and now I cant even enjoy playing a video game with a friend. i know this might all be in my head, if that is what youre suggesting, but I really cant handle it..

 

[MagickalKat777]

Why do you automatically connect this depression to your MDMA use?

Probably because "MDMA comedowns" are talked about more than the positives of MDMA.

BL syndrome strikes again.

OP, if you have depression, the best treatment is therapy by far. I would probably recommend DBT over CBT since you said you don't have anxiety much.

If this turns into the pros and cons of various medications, I'm going to close it. Keep it to recovery and leave the meds to the doctors.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

I second the therapy suggestion. You should try that first for a while before going on meds.

When you say that your condition has worsened, do you mean in the last few days only? Fluctuations of mood/depression/anxiety lasted for many days, sometimes for well over a week for me. I would not jump on meds already buddy! It should be a last last resort if you are actually feeling suicidal, which is not the same as suicidal thoughts.

 

[Delfin]

It has worsened due to the suicidal thoughts, which I didnt have last week.. Beside that everyday seems to be the same - I wake up feeling like hell, and through the day I'm calming down (not that I feel better - just more calm) and in the night time I can sort of relax.

 

[Delfin]

So I have been talking to my psychiatrist today and we have agreed that we should wait 1-2 months before I should try any meds. So if I experience any improvements over this period, I would definitely stay off the meds

I'm still interested in hearing from anyone who have recovered (or close to), about the lack of interest or emotion. The bit of anxiety that I'm experiencing is something I can live with, but the fact that I can't feel any excitement anymore about anything AT ALL, is something that is really killing me. Any input regarding this issue would be appreciated! Both in the matter of when these emotions seemed to return for the people who recovered, and also if there is anything I could do myself to get them back.. Specifically I'm really struggling with maintaining my studies and also my relationship to my girlfriend, and I would be even more devastated if I was to loose my grip completely of any of the two..

Thank you

 

[xammy]

Sounds great psychiatrist as he's not going to put you on meds immediately. Here they pretty much give you SSRI or something asap and thats pretty much it.

Good luck

 

[JWills20]

In all honesty, the best advice is to avoid this forum. Keep up the regular meetings with the psychiatrist and take his/her advice - they know more than we do - we're not qualified.

 

[Delfin]

In all honesty, the best advice is to avoid this forum. Keep up the regular meetings with the psychiatrist and take his/her advice - they know more than we do - we're not qualified.

And that is what I'm going to do. I'm only asking about the lack of emotion-issue out of curiosity. It is really bothering me

 

[MagickalKat777]

Delfin, if you would like, this thread can be moved to our recovery forum. You'll get much better support there than here in this forum.

 

[Delfin]

I would like that

 

[MagickalKat777]

Med -> tds

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

In all honesty, the best advice is to avoid this forum. Keep up the regular meetings with the psychiatrist and take his/her advice - they know more than we do - we're not qualified.

Although this sounds like the most down to earth and correct advice you could give, I do not agree with it. Psychiatrists do not know best when it comes to MDMA induced psychological issues. They do know a lot about depression in itself however, and I definitely agree that you should keep with the schedule of meetings/therapy. What I think one should be careful of is blindly following the medical procedures that the psychiatrist might recommend. Someone with MDMA induced issues fit very well with general depression and/or anxiety disorder, which following the psychiatrists lists of symptoms/training would call for going on an SSRI for example. There is enough accounts to conclude that an SSRI might not work as intended with MDMA induced symptoms. Psychiatrists will also consequently not emphasize the wide range of possible side effects from SSRI, which might by the way coincide with the "damage" that is already caused by the MDMA.

That being said I think it is an option if the unbearable depression lasts much longer than the anecdotal accounts that we find for example here on BL. Delfin, check out PMZ. His symptoms are comparable to yours, and though he is not fully recovered, he has said many times that his emotions and passion for things did return, though maybe not fully, after 6 months or something like that.

 

[Allein]

Hi Delfin,

I'm really sorry to hear you're having a tough time with depression, it's something I have struggled with for many years, probably all of my life.

I used MDMA / MDA quite heavily for 8-9 years whilst attending free parties in the UK, over that period my dosing inevitably increased.
Looking back I've consumed a significant amount of this substance and know many others that have done the same.

All drugs have the potential to cause adverse effects even at relatively low doses, the wrong person could become very ill by taking penicillin for example. No drugs legal or otherwise can be considered 100% safe but the same could be said for catching the bus or simply walking down the street.

I have known people find the MDMA experience difficult to deal with and integrate, often when they had expected a benign experience and find the reality a little more twisted than they had bargained for. MDMA is subtly psychedelic IME and whilst most experience the happiness and empathy that it associated with the drug it is far from one dimensional.

There is no value on me speculating on why you find yourself suffering with depression today and I would humbly suggest there is little value in trying to unpick it yourself. I have grappled with the same question and concluded that it may or may not have contributed to the onset of acute depression, but believe more strongly I was drawn to the drug and the whole experience partly out of my underlying psychological issues, but that is just me.

Some of the theories and studies on long term MDMA use and it's neuro toxicity would suggets an SSRI might be useful in treating the resultant depression, I have tried many and am totally intolerant to them, if anything they made me worse along side some horrific side effects.

The facts are you feel depressed today, the reasons for that are no longer MDMA even if they may have been at some time. The reasons are now within you and part of you, in the way you see yourself and in the way you see others and in the way you see the world around you. These are the things you need to address and focus on, the good news is you can do something about them, you can't untake the drugs.

Feel free to PM me anytime of you want to discuss this further and stick around and keep us updated on your progress

 

[Maya]

Hi Delfin, welcome to the TDS side of BL. What I would like to ask from you is was the product tested? How much did you take? Did you do a re dose etc.

I also suffered from a long term come down from what was supposedly mdma but the product was not tested. I don't mean to scare you but if you did not test your product it might have been mixed with other unknown chemicals on it that might have given you depression. What I have noticed on my recovery is that things got worse before I got better and I promise you that you will get better but it give more time. It took me about a year to come back to almost a full recovery so just be patient and wait it out. What you can do is take care of yourself and exercise as much as you can. To be honest, I will avoid SSRI unless it is really bad that you can't function with working etc but always believe that the brain recovers or adapts.

 

[Delfin]

Thank you for your answers everybody.

Hi Delfin, welcome to the TDS side of BL. What I would like to ask from you is was the product tested? How much did you take? Did you do a re dose etc.

I also suffered from a long term come down from what was supposedly mdma but the product was not tested. I don't mean to scare you but if you did not test your product it might have been mixed with other unknown chemicals on it that might have given you depression. What I have noticed on my recovery is that things got worse before I got better and I promise you that you will get better but it give more time. It took me about a year to come back to almost a full recovery so just be patient and wait it out. What you can do is take care of yourself and exercise as much as you can. To be honest, I will avoid SSRI unless it is really bad that you can't function with working etc but always believe that the brain recovers or adapts.

Me and two buddies shared 250 mg of MDMA - so I did less than 100 mg. I drank a lot of alcohol as well though, and around 4 hours later, I did a very little amount of coke - not more than 50 mg. I have no knowledge on MDMA, and this was my first time ever. It wasn't tested, but my friend who bought it was quite sure it was clean - he bought it as crystals (I have no idea if this have any importance).

I work out at least 1 time a day, I eat very health, I socialize and I really try to structure everyday so I don't end up on the couch all day.
My main issue is the depression and the lack of emotions/excitement, which cause me to feel kinda of 'beside myself'. The anxiety is something I can handle, and I don't have any physical symptoms, except for chest- and stomach pain in the morning. Throughout everyday my symptoms seems to lift, and in the evenings I'm usually feel quite calm. If I do stay up till after midnight, I occasionally become symptom free. TOTALLY! but all of the symptoms will kick back in the following morning, and I would be back to where I began.

What I'm really interested in is hearing from somebody with any experience regarding my symptoms.

As I'm scavenging through different recovery threads on BL, it seems to me like the main issues of the comedowns in question is a bit different from mine. People are deeply affected by brain fog, cognitive issues, DP/DR and anxiety, while I on the other hand are struggling with heavy mood swings, where I go from feeling absolutely shit in the morning, to feeling more calm but still depressed in the afternoon and occasionally feeling quite all right in the evenings.

 

[cook]

Not exactly like you, but I too suffered an episode of severe depression shortly after my first and only experience with MDMA. Did not progress as fast as yours but reading your story sounds similar enough. For me it resulted in being completely bedridden for some months and feeling the hell I did not know was possible to experience until then. Started with panic attacks and severe anxiety, then progressed into the inability to do anything that used to be part of my quite active life. Host of other symptoms too. The "episode" ended up lasting about 6 months after which I recovered but it felt like one life ended and another one began, in between I felt essentially dead. Emotionless and static but very painful state, so I guess worse than death. Eventually I ended up in psychotherapy where im still working with myself (quite a few years later) so it was quite a life-changing event for me.

You were describing your state of mind drastically changing if you stay awake longer, that is also very typical for clinical depression. There is even treatment based on sleep deprivation because sleep usually worsens the symptoms and people feel the worst just after waking up. I also experienced that phenomena. Just google sleep deprivation and depression and you see what im talking about.

I dont think its useful for you to think its a comedown or just a chemical issue. I believe MDMA and host of other drugs have the ability to trigger certain psychological reactions to individuals who are at risk. Medication (SSRI/SNRI etc) is not bad if it helps you to get back in touch with your emotions and start working on them. But they are just tools, not a long-term solution but at your current state I would give it a try (if the condition doesnt start improving soon and your doc agrees).

Anyway, I just wanted to tell that you can and most probably will recover from this given enough time, speaking of my personal experience. Assuming you are suffering from an episode of depression, its very rare that it would be permanent state, though you may feel like it accompanied by deep hopelessness which is normal. It can be a long bumpy road but its still had to be travelled, as I see my experiences now years later. Youll come through from the other end, just continue forcing yourself into activities (if you are able to), it will help in the long run. Take care.

 

[Maya]

Thank you for your answers everybody.



Me and two buddies shared 250 mg of MDMA - so I did less than 100 mg. I drank a lot of alcohol as well though, and around 4 hours later, I did a very little amount of coke - not more than 50 mg. I have no knowledge on MDMA, and this was my first time ever. It wasn't tested, but my friend who bought it was quite sure it was clean - he bought it as crystals (I have no idea if this have any importance).

I work out at least 1 time a day, I eat very health, I socialize and I really try to structure everyday so I don't end up on the couch all day.
My main issue is the depression and the lack of emotions/excitement, which cause me to feel kinda of 'beside myself'. The anxiety is something I can handle, and I don't have any physical symptoms, except for chest- and stomach pain in the morning. Throughout everyday my symptoms seems to lift, and in the evenings I'm usually feel quite calm. If I do stay up till after midnight, I occasionally become symptom free. TOTALLY! but all of the symptoms will kick back in the following morning, and I would be back to where I began.

What I'm really interested in is hearing from somebody with any experience regarding my symptoms.

As I'm scavenging through different recovery threads on BL, it seems to me like the main issues of the comedowns in question is a bit different from mine. People are deeply affected by brain fog, cognitive issues, DP/DR and anxiety, while I on the other hand are struggling with heavy mood swings, where I go from feeling absolutely shit in the morning, to feeling more calm but still depressed in the afternoon and occasionally feeling quite all right in the evenings.

OP you can't really compare your recovery to me or to any one else who has had a comedown from MDMA. Everyone's recovery is different, our bodies are all different thus will have different reaction to mdma. Some users do not experience comedown at all and they have abused more than us. What I would also like to advice you is to not read any more horror stories on BL and if you are tempted to read do not compare it to your situation and just use it as a tool to recover faster. You are only in two months recovery I recovered after a year so there is hope don't worry too much about it trust me.

 

[Delfin]

Thank you for the replies Cook and Maya

It's really good to hear from someone who can relate and have recovered.

Cook: You say you are living a new life today, so how is that compared to the one you lived before your comedown? You mentioned you lived a quite active life before, is that still the case? I'm asking because I for some reason know that I eventually will get better, but at the same time I'm unsure if I will return to being the same person when I reach that milestone. My perception of things has changed SO MUCH under my comedown. I know much of it is due to the depression which alter my reality, but it's really hard for me to believe I would return 100% even though the depression would disappear completely. As I mentioned I lived a very active life as well before. I was very social, very ambitious and very adventurous. I have hitchhiked my way through Europe, I have excelled in school and are soon to be done with my education (I'm studying political Science at university), and so on. Basically I have always dreamt big, but now my dreams not alone seems unrealistic but also meaningless. I really hope I can go back to enjoying life as I did, and not only some limited version of it.

So my question to you guys is; when you recover are you also recovering in the matter of energy level and general life quality - in other words, have you resumed your old life again and followed or fulfilled your dreams (career, love life, family, etc.). I ask this because my biggest worry is that my enthusiasm on life wouldn't return on the same level as it wore before even though all of my symptoms disappears, if you understand me?

also, Cook, may I ask how much MDMA you did prior to your comedown? and also if you have any experience on antidepressant while you recovered?

Thank you