Go ahead and try it, I wanted to do it because I had been responsible up to the time I was 19, I needed something crazy, something to hold on to. Anxiety was a key factor as well. I was self medicating, but I didn't think about it, nor know that I was "self-medicating" at that time. I went a solid 2 years high as hell, good job, saved money, blew all that and the job. I was sideways, that is the only way I can describe it. I would relapse and quit and on and on. I was in a constant state of opiate withdrawal for months on end, kick for a week, score, kick, score..HE WINS! (soccer moms com to mind) Then I kind of got off/stopped using weekly and went to monthly, how responsible. I had some some major relapses, of course, you can never go monthly. I had a bout with Suboxone, which only ended in awful withdrawals when my insurance would no longer cover it. So, 19-25 addicted. I got on the Suboxone when I was 23 and was on it for about 10 months. I went on the Suboxone after a brief, 3 month fight with the Morphine, my Heroin replacement (200mg ABG = $10 + 60mg ABG=$3)...it would've been better to withdrawal from the morphine than the Suboxone, I needed a replacement because I was in school. You cannot study withdrawing from Suboxone! So, I started taking up to 8 mg Xanax at a time because that was the amount that it took to take the kicks away. Now that withdrawal (Benzos), after a year of taking at least 2mg/day, usually more...Heroin withdrawal always wins, but the DTs? OMFG, 3 months of shaking, can't shave, can't shit, bad mouth taste, it feels like you are getting chased by a bear!
Heroin, however, is being wrapped up in a blanket under your skin, pulling and pushing, screaming to get out, shouting shovels, digging your grave, wishing your grave, alone, a withered piece of mince meat. The aching, that antihistamine (kicky) feeling running all up in your joints, prostaglandins kicking your ass to hell, sweating, sweating, sweating, shaking, laying in the shower for the warmth and blood vessel dilation from the warm water; brings down the blood pressure; I loved my shower. Oh, and constant masturbation, constant, you gotta, it's all you have to feel good at all, but the orgasm hurts immediately after climax, a piercing pain on the head of the penis. Awful. This hard withdrawal happens when I do heroin twice in a week, I sweat hard, kicks, no sleep, everything. It is, however, probably due to the fact that my body goes "Hey, I'll be getting this constantly, I don't need these receptors!" Down-regulation of receptors is crap-shit. Normal people could stick with once a week for a bit, but after about 2 months, you start to feel it. You'll get a headache, you'll snort more, then snorting doesn't work, you use more, tolerance builds, so now you HAVE to shoot it to alleviate the symptoms of withdrawal, it won't work any other way.
So, any who, I did that xanax thing for about a year strait, quit when I was 25. Now, mind you, this whole time I am doing Heroin occasionally as well. The withdrawal is progressive, even if you use once a week, your body begins to change its homeostatic mechanisms in order to compensate for the somnolence you are experiencing from that Evil (H): your anxiety amplifies, your tolerance builds, the cravings get harsh, the kicks persist for over 2 weeks, the mental withdrawal lasts months. I would't trade the knowledge and experience i have now for anything though. I just aced my graduate Pharmacology class, do you have any idea how easy that was? I had ingested in some way, or had experience with, nearly all the drugs we learned about in the class (I did my power point presentation/Huge paper on Morphine...so easy, so interested). This is all because of heroin. I have the drive and the spirit that I do now because I fucked up for so long, I really do not know how I survived, I just did.
I have suffered, and when I decided to do Heroin, that was my fucking goal, I wanted to feel the withdrawals, I was curious! I wanted to feel, to get away from my middle class normal bullshit, and go balls to the fucking wall! I got what I wanted. I am very strong willed however, and I have withdrawn from Heroin more times than there are hairs on my head; I kicked it, though I never got used to it. It has been a super wild ride, Cedar Point can KISS it, blah! I got myself a vial of fine Lucy, she is my spirit animal, he, he. You gotta get to the point and grab it while its hot, swiftly and justly; so, I smoke bud and take doses for kicks now. I killed my Animal Behavior class so hard that I am getting paid to do research with my prof. this summer! Also, as of today, I have my bachelor's in Biomedical Science (Chem minor), and I am almost 27, how poetic! Most people like me would be dead right at 27, and I am swarmed with life, a little shining fledgling I am. I
am who I am because I have suffered, but I
got where I am today by quitting the dope. You can't be doing dope and life, it's one or the other, for me at least. I do take Norcos occasionally, but I take only 20mg when I need to stay awake to study. Honestly, If you feel the need to go and do heroin, then do it. Just know that there is no "occasional," or "sometimes" because your body becomes more dependent on it every time you use, it sucks badly. Just THINK about it. I do not know if there is a heaven, but Heroin withdrawal is, most certainly, hell....But once would't hurt....?
p.s.- I have not participated in NA/AA, I went to outpatient rehab once, I didn't get inpatient because I had been withdrawing for a week in jail(s), numerous warrants, they moved me. So after a week, obviously, the H wasn't in my system=no inpatient. I only write this so those who are like me know, there is another way, your own way. If NA/AA works for you, then more power to ya! However, I know I'm not the only one who can't do that program. Work it hard while hardly working, move smarter not harder, get yourself, get you, understand it.- sorry.
MOVE!
