I feel you both, when I came back from rehab the first time when I was 21 I was still in chronic pain but the depression that came without having opioids in my system made me take a shotgun to my head (thank god it wasn't loaded, it was at my dads house as I was stuck living there after rehab due to my brother still being an active heroin user) after that I had to sit down and think very hard about the future, I didn't want to go back on opioids that the dose would just go up and up and up like it had in the past.. Suboxone wasn't well known at the time but I reached out to a friend and he gave me one, it helped the pain and the depression went away. I made an appointment with his doctor (at the time there were only 3 doctors that could proscribe it in my area.. and I live in florida, where at that time there was a "pain management" doctor on every corner.. Needless to say I have been on it for over 15 years now & when I got cough up in meth & drinking after chemotherapy I went back to rehab and they kept me on it, the doctor basically said "its better than other painkillers and you don't seem depressed so just stay on it".. I don't like to say I am going to be a "Lifer" on any medication, but anymore if it keeps me off worse things & I can be productive in life on it then I will stay on it.. I know I can get off it, it sucks but I have had to in the past for short periods, but to me getting off anti-depressants is WAY more dangerous and uncomfortable..You are not the only person who I met that is using sub permanently for depression. I am afraid that will be the case with me as well. Just like you said I feel so depressed when not on something and no antidepressant has any effect.
But I have 2 fears. One is are we really sober on this? Is sub blocking the antidepressants? And the second is can long-term sub be neurotoxic?
My situation is not yours, so personally if my body would allow it I would want to be off all meds, but my body is a wreck & some chemicals (not subs) I have to have to live so if I am going to go to a doctor every month no matter what, I might as well get one extra script.
I wish you the best, ultimately its best to look at it and see if its helping you more in life or is it hurting you more in life, if it does more harm than good get rid of it (I feel that way about any chemical)