When will I feel normal

[Rio Fantastic]

How you doing ash hope you are doing well.Im feeling better but hard some mad cravings today have taken a c couple of 150 mg lyrica which has relaxed me.Its so weird I was t6hinking about rio fantastic having a relapse and my cravings started.I hate opium so much if I had known about its grip I would never have started.Thats a lie I knew its grip but loved the buzz fucking thing.How you doing mate how is your pain management going.

I'm sorry about that man, just didn't want to come here pretending everything has been perfect. Just to reiterate, honestly, ever since making the honest commitment to quit, I really didn't even enjoy using. I got the crack buzz for a few minutes but then felt this guilt come over me and realised that I was fucking up, and even using the rest of what I'd bought didn't get rid of it. Was a really negative experience and totally not worth it, and it took me 3 days to recover, and I'm only feeling better now since I've been to the gym and finally getting back on track.

 

[EPL1]

Hello my friend,
I am feeling so much better now. And good for you Yuba, you just stay the course now, the cravings will eventually get fewer and farther between.

Are you feeling better, is the flu gone? I hope you have a good day today, you can do this, hell, you are doing this!! And you know you have all of us supporting you.

Here if you need anything,
your friend,
Ash.

How you doing ash hope you are doing well.Im feeling better but hard some mad cravings today have taken a c couple of 150 mg lyrica which has relaxed me.Its so weird I was t6hinking about rio fantastic having a relapse and my cravings started.I hate opium so much if I had known about its grip I would never have started.Thats a lie I knew its grip but loved the buzz fucking thing.How you doing mate how is your pain management going.

 

[yubacity]

That guilt happens to me I take a hit of crack im shadow boxing loving it then the fucking guilt.Dont apologise mate anything can get me craving this site for the good times and the bad.I hope you back on track and the guilt is a good thing it reminds us we fucking up and dont want that life.Every relapse starts the cycle again the horrible feeling of fucking up I use for a couple of days I get minor wd feel shit then want to use to feel normal.Im getting b ack into boxing I find I feel naturally happy afterwards keep going to the gym my brother your back on track.I really fucking hate this grip that opium has on me.I hate the fact that recovery is so hard at the moment I wake up I get cravings going to sleep at night I am craving.I envy people that go about daily life without drugs I envy them being naturally happy.Be strong my brother come on here when you weak

 

[yubacity]

How you doing ash and Rio hope all Is good.Woken up by a bad dream now can't get to sleep.Was speaking to my wife yesterday she noticed I was down.She us thinking of coming back while we sell everything.I feel bad if she has to but I don't think I can do this for a couple of months on my own clean.Pissed of a dealer last night ordered some then cancelled then ordered again before cancelling.I don't know why I have started craving a hit of crack never used to be my main drug it was just a companion to the brown sometimes.I think I made a big mistake sending family over first.I don't go out because everyone I know use.My Punjabi friends all use coke once I'm on that I like some gear afterwards to bring me down.I go gym and boxing but after that I'm in my house bored as fuck and constantly think8ng about using again.Got a friend who just drinks but he been in the Punjab for a month using raw opium.A lot of Punjabis who don't use here but when in India they use it stops them getting the shits and gives them a good buzz.My friend us coming back tomorrow he does not think he will get a withdrawal but he been using for nearly 5 weeks I think he will.Hope all is good with you lot.

 

[yubacity]

Just as I was writing this I get a text message from a dealer I would use.The prick messages everyone on his phone about the deals he is offering.Everytime I get his message I have to fight myself.Just have to keep thinking about how I feel afterwards.Fuck this have to get out of bed hit the gym.

 

[EPL1]

Block the dealers number on your phone Yuba!!!! And if you think it's better to have your wife around you to stay clean for now, there's no shame in that, bring her back!!!! Just don't cave, I'm proud that you haven't yet. Here for you always, pm me if you'd rather.


You can do this Yuba, try to take the temptations away though, they do you no favors.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Just as I was writing this I get a text message from a dealer I would use.The prick messages everyone on his phone about the deals he is offering.Everytime I get his message I have to fight myself.Just have to keep thinking about how I feel afterwards.Fuck this have to get out of bed hit the gym.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Block the dealers number on your phone Yuba!!!! And if you think it's better to have your wife around you to stay clean for now, there's no shame in that, bring her back!!!! Just don't cave, I'm proud that you haven't yet. Here for you always, pm me if you'd rather.


You can do this Yuba, try to take the temptations away though, they do you no favors.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

This! A twist of fate has meant that my phone has been at Tesco being repaired for my sobriety the past two weeks, and not having using friends/dealers hitting me up has made it SO much easier. I'd suggest deleting their numbers but shit I've never taken that advice myself, but certainly block their numbers so they can't text you their offers. I know what you mean about the crack craving as well - heroin was always my drug of choice but the crack high is so visceral that in early recovery the cravings for it can grip you stronger than heroin at times, but we all know that guys like us can't do crack without gear and we can't control gear so we have to just stay sober. This may sound stupid, but have you tried meditation? Something about spending 20-30 minutes meditating alleviates boredom entirely for me - spending half an hour just in your own head trying to focus on your breath makes everything so much more interesting afterwards. And the boxing is great, man - I've really wanted to get into MMA or boxing but have never done it before and I'm 25 now so I worry that if I joined a class I'd be way behind everyone else. How have you cravings been today?

 

[yubacity]

Block the dealers number on your phone Yuba!!!! And if you think it's better to have your wife around you to stay clean for now, there's no shame in that, bring her back!!!! Just don't cave, I'm proud that you haven't yet. Here for you always, pm me if you'd rather.


You can do this Yuba, try to take the temptations away though, they do you no favors.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

How you doing ash hope your good and healthy.What can I say mate but I am at my lowest point since Feb detox.My family is not here my friends all use something.My Punjabi friends all do coke and English pals all on brown.Could hang with Punjabi crowd but a upper always has me looking for brown afterwards.Without my wife here a relapse now will spiral out of control for me.I am on the lyrica today's as well but yesterday's control is gone today been smashing the lyrica.Im bored out of my fucking mind.No fucking enthusiasm or joy I'm fucking miserable.I went through this thread today and noticed I have bitched and moaned all the way.My old man would have a fit if he knew what a pussy I have been.So much shit going on in the background today I refused the old man's offer to drive truck for his company.Got a call from brother saying I should work for him don't look good.All these years I used I was at least normal now I'm a pussy can't stay two months alone.

 

[EPL1]

Oh my dear, you are anything BUT a pussy.

Honestly, you are just seeing things that way because you're having a difficult time that's all, no shame in it honestly my friend.
This is your thread, your life, you get your feelings and thoughts out however you like.

And good, stay on the lyrica for now, just don't cave, you can do it, every day you get better, moan all you want we are always here for you to talk you off the ledge.

Think of your family, hell think of your own health and happiness. This is so temporary, things will improve. You never want to have to go back to day 1 again Yuba. Take your wife up on her offer to come for a while.

Did you block the dealers number yet?; )

DO IT. DO IT. DO IT!!! ; )


Much love and support Yuba,
you know I m always here for you, you'll get through this,
hugs,
Ash.

How you doing ash hope your good and healthy.What can I say mate but I am at my lowest point since Feb detox.My family is not here my friends all use something.My Punjabi friends all do coke and English pals all on brown.Could hang with Punjabi crowd but a upper always has me looking for brown afterwards.Without my wife here a relapse now will spiral out of control for me.I am on the lyrica today's as well but yesterday's control is gone today been smashing the lyrica.Im bored out of my fucking mind.No fucking enthusiasm or joy I'm fucking miserable.I went through this thread today and noticed I have bitched and moaned all the way.My old man would have a fit if he knew what a pussy I have been.So much shit going on in the background today I refused the old man's offer to drive truck for his company.Got a call from brother saying I should work for him don't look good.All these years I used I was at least normal now I'm a pussy can't stay two months alone.

 

[yubacity]

This! A twist of fate has meant that my phone has been at Tesco being repaired for my sobriety the past two weeks, and not having using friends/dealers hitting me up has made it SO much easier. I'd suggest deleting their numbers but shit I've never taken that advice myself, but certainly block their numbers so they can't text you their offers. I know what you mean about the crack craving as well - heroin was always my drug of choice but the crack high is so visceral that in early recovery the cravings for it can grip you stronger than heroin at times, but we all know that guys like us can't do crack without gear and we can't control gear so we have to just stay sober. This may sound stupid, but have you tried meditation? Something about spending 20-30 minutes meditating alleviates boredom entirely for me - spending half an hour just in your own head trying to focus on your breath makes everything so much more interesting afterwards. And the boxing is great, man - I've really wanted to get into MMA or boxing but have never done it before and I'm 25 now so I worry that if I joined a class I'd be way behind everyone else. How have you cravings been today?

Something is wrong I spend time writing you post as I try to send it redirects an vanishes.How you doing mate hope all is good.Join mma or boxing you will learn the craft from a begginer so won't be out your depth.Cravings are a cunt today the cravings for a hit if crack and brown together will make all this pain go but I won't because it a tempory relief.I will try meditation anything natural that can help will be good.Keep strong my brother enjoy your evening

 

[yubacity]

Oh my dear, you are anything BUT a pussy.

Honestly, you are just seeing things that way because you're having a difficult time that's all, no shame in it honestly my friend.
This is your thread, your life, you get your feelings and thoughts out however you like.

And good, stay on the lyrica for now, just don't cave, you can do it, every day you get better, moan all you want we are always here for you to talk you off the ledge.

Think of your family, hell think of your own health and happiness. This is so temporary, things will improve. You never want to have to go back to day 1 again Yuba. Take your wife up on her offer to come for a while.

Did you block the dealers number yet?; )

DO IT. DO IT. DO IT!!! ; )


Much love and support Yuba,
you know I m always here for you, you'll get through this,
hugs,
Ash.

Tell you honest feelings at the moment.Im just tired weird thoughts running through my mind.Three years short of 30 years on drugs I'm only fucking 42 but feel 70.The brain is a cunt it just constantly trying to get me to accept what I am use and be normal.Today around midday I had convinced myself I need to use to be on the level and man up instead of being this miserable angry fuck I have become.The thing that stops me is the support on here and the guilt I feel afterwards.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Tell you honest feelings at the moment.Im just tired weird thoughts running through my mind.Three years short of 30 years on drugs I'm only fucking 42 but feel 70.The brain is a cunt it just constantly trying to get me to accept what I am use and be normal.Today around midday I had convinced myself I need to use to be on the level and man up instead of being this miserable angry fuck I have become.The thing that stops me is the support on here and the guilt I feel afterwards.

That's a great decision that you've made there. Every time you resist cravings you get stronger. A quote that helps me is "When you have a negative feeling, rather than trying to resist it, just observe it. By just observing it and letting it wash over you, you will see that it breaks naturally like a wave, so long as you don't keep feeding it by thinking about it"

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Oh my dear, you are anything BUT a pussy.

Honestly, you are just seeing things that way because you're having a difficult time that's all, no shame in it honestly my friend.
This is your thread, your life, you get your feelings and thoughts out however you like.

And good, stay on the lyrica for now, just don't cave, you can do it, every day you get better, moan all you want we are always here for you to talk you off the ledge.

Think of your family, hell think of your own health and happiness. This is so temporary, things will improve. You never want to have to go back to day 1 again Yuba. Take your wife up on her offer to come for a while.

Did you block the dealers number yet?; )

DO IT. DO IT. DO IT!!! ; )


Much love and support Yuba,
you know I m always here for you, you'll get through this,
hugs,
Ash.

Ash, you are selfless almost to a fault! I see your supportive posts all over the place, helping everyone, always positive, providing words of encouragement, but I imagine you need help too, no? Where's your recovery thread?? I wish we had the chance to give back even a small amount of the incredible outpouring of positivity that you contribute every day! Am I just missing your recovery journal?

 

[EPL1]

I don't really have a "recovery journal" as I don't have an addiction, I took my medication as rx'd. I was just sick of all the hassle we have to go through here to get it, random ua's. pill counts, using one pharmacy and don't even get me started on the pharmacy shaming etc.


But I'm still in chronic pain, and so if I can't find another feasible way to help myself, I will take my pain medication. A heating pad and tylenol just ain't cutting it.

Ash, you are selfless almost to a fault! I see your supportive posts all over the place, helping everyone, always positive, providing words of encouragement, but I imagine you need help too, no? Where's your recovery thread?? I wish we had the chance to give back even a small amount of the incredible outpouring of positivity that you contribute every day! Am I just missing your recovery journal?

 

[yubacity]

Ash, you are selfless almost to a fault! I see your supportive posts all over the place, helping everyone, always positive, providing words of encouragement, but I imagine you need help too, no? Where's your recovery thread?? I wish we had the chance to give back even a small amount of the incredible outpouring of positivity that you contribute every day! Am I just missing your recovery journal?

Ashley is just such a special person.She is the reason I'm still clean.Like you said she is helping all over this site.It takes a person with a massive heart to be helping others when fighting their own problems and add pain issues on top of it.I can never thank her enough.

 

[yubacity]

How is everyone doing hope all is good.Had a night from hell last night.My wife video called me which I hate she was with my mom.As soon as I saw my mom's face all the emotion came out I sobbed like a baby.I broke her heart all she kept saying was your my son I love you.The shame of hurting a women that carried me for 8 months I was a month premature but I could not help it.My grandad used to say you never be loved by anyone more then your mother loves you.This is a women who would pull my dad's hair scratch him whatever when he would be beating us.To break your mom's heart is such a shamefull thing to do.The result is mom and my wife are catching the earliest flight they can get to come here.News has travelled around my side of family that I'm struggling with addiction again.For 13 years while I was on the gear only a few people knew the drug problems before that they knew.Had phone calls last night from my brothers and sister even the old man rang me.He said words that I never heard from me how he proud of me for looking after my family doing my duty but not once was there a sorry in there for the beatings the cunt does not think he done anything wrong.I kept it civil showed my respect as a son.I feel shame that I could not cope on my own.Today have to get my house in order vacuum some how I have to get rid of the smell of weed from the house wife will do her nut she never let me smoke weed or fags in the house.Will be so good to see my mom again taste her Punjabi food.This had to happen I was going to use again I know it.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

How is everyone doing hope all is good.Had a night from hell last night.My wife video called me which I hate she was with my mom.As soon as I saw my mom's face all the emotion came out I sobbed like a baby.I broke her heart all she kept saying was your my son I love you.The shame of hurting a women that carried me for 8 months I was a month premature but I could not help it.My grandad used to say you never be loved by anyone more then your mother loves you.This is a women who would pull my dad's hair scratch him whatever when he would be beating us.To break your mom's heart is such a shamefull thing to do.The result is mom and my wife are catching the earliest flight they can get to come here.News has travelled around my side of family that I'm struggling with addiction again.For 13 years while I was on the gear only a few people knew the drug problems before that they knew.Had phone calls last night from my brothers and sister even the old man rang me.He said words that I never heard from me how he proud of me for looking after my family doing my duty but not once was there a sorry in there for the beatings the cunt does not think he done anything wrong.I kept it civil showed my respect as a son.I feel shame that I could not cope on my own.Today have to get my house in order vacuum some how I have to get rid of the smell of weed from the house wife will do her nut she never let me smoke weed or fags in the house.Will be so good to see my mom again taste her Punjabi food.This had to happen I was going to use again I know it.

Home cooked indian food? Shit man, I'm jealous! good job for opening up - if you are struggling its probably for the best that they are coming to support you. It's crazy how we can hold emotions in for so long and then something about seeing and talking to our mothers and then we're all of a sudden a complete mess. How the fuck did you manage to hide your drug addiction for so long? I only managed about 3 months before my mum and brother (who I lived with at the time) found out, and they were suspicious long before that.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I don't really have a "recovery journal" as I don't have an addiction, I took my medication as rx'd. I was just sick of all the hassle we have to go through here to get it, random ua's. pill counts, using one pharmacy and don't even get me started on the pharmacy shaming etc.


But I'm still in chronic pain, and so if I can't find another feasible way to help myself, I will take my pain medication. A heating pad and tylenol just ain't cutting it.

You deserve support, ash. Don't think you aren't worthy just because you don't have a hard drug addiction.

 

[yubacity]

Home cooked indian food? Shit man, I'm jealous! good job for opening up - if you are struggling its probably for the best that they are coming to support you. It's crazy how we can hold emotions in for so long and then something about seeing and talking to our mothers and then we're all of a sudden a complete mess. How the fuck did you manage to hide your drug addiction for so long? I only managed about 3 months before my mum and brother (who I lived with at the time) found out, and they were suspicious long before that.

How you doing mate hope all is good.It was weird yesterday as soon as I saw my mum's face I lost it was like a child again.I am welling up just thinking about it.She was so supportive calling me buy my childhood nickname one thing she said brings tears to my eyes.She told me no matter what I do she loves me.My using has been mad but I functioned on it.I hid a crank addiction from them for 3 years until I finally crashed.The brown was a perfect drug for me I was a normal guy just going to work then coming home.The only difference was I would use daily be in my bubble I loved it.The food by my mom is so good she is known for great food.have a great day mate and stay strong

 

[EPL1]

That's great Yuba!!

I am so happy to hear they have come to stay with you, no shame in wanting a bit of help and support. You're doing really well, now you will just have some extra love and kindness and strength when you're feeling weak. Those women of yours sound like they will look out for you and then some ; )

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

How you doing mate hope all is good.It was weird yesterday as soon as I saw my mum's face I lost it was like a child again.I am welling up just thinking about it.She was so supportive calling me buy my childhood nickname one thing she said brings tears to my eyes.She told me no matter what I do she loves me.My using has been mad but I functioned on it.I hid a crank addiction from them for 3 years until I finally crashed.The brown was a perfect drug for me I was a normal guy just going to work then coming home.The only difference was I would use daily be in my bubble I loved it.The food by my mom is so good she is known for great food.have a great day mate and stay strong