@nybryx... I feel you. Well I don't really cause I don't feel shit right now, but yeah I get what you're saying; I too work that way since I took fucking Sustenna. Life slowly lost its meaning as I lost hair, leanness, libido, interest, intellect and memory; my flawless ability (ego still going strong) to sing and dance completely removed. Before I had ups and downs, but after being down I thrived and evolved, now it feels like I'm stuck in hell. Memories of who I really am flood my mind every time I start to forget the situation I'm in, I seemingly can't move on, no matter what I do. This drug makes you have to force yourself to live, with no incentives to keep at it. Feels like I'm trapped on a downward spiral to death... so offing myself now and skipping the torturous process seems like the right and compassionate thing to do.
Like I said in my first posts, I was (and more or less am again) convinced suicide was the only option for me, convinced that the drug had permanently turned me into my own husk. But I was wrong. For a day I swear I felt like I did when I felt best, I felt even better than pre-Invega, I was even thankful that I'd been given this venom, because I really felt better than ever; going through hell made me appreciate having myself back and I felt truly happy. It all passed after a day and the mental, spiritual and physical block and the dread (of losing myself) came back and set in and it all hasn't budged since then.
I am now almost convinced, as I was before the window, that I have been permanently changed, the security and confidence I recovered during the window was suppressed and I'm back to this unbearable, hopeless and void state. But I don't know that, I really have no fucking idea if I'll have another window or not, if I'll recover or not, if this is permanent or not. Evidence shows me that I can go from this state to the better one, but somehow this doesn’t give me hope.
I think I know I won't recover, but do you really think you can truly know something in this state? I mean we're basically diminished at all levels, consumed with angst, so intuition and instinct are probably off; the drug makes you undervalue almost everything, including your own and your body's capabilities. This argument is a double-edged sword. On one hand you can think you’re actually stronger than the medication, and that it hides the truth (that you will recover) from you, on the other you can think that the drug has diminished your capabilities to the point of not being able to recover.
But if I could go from this doomed state to that incredible state once I don’t see why I (or my body) can’t do it again. And if I could do it everyone can.
You’re convincing yourself that life has no value, but you know that’s not true, you know who you are, you know before Invega life was (at least sometimes) full of color and you were full of hope and inspiration. And believe me when I tell you I had a window, which means who I truly am is still deep inside. I believe it’s the same for you and everyone else.
So please give yourself time to heal and don’t assume the worst. Try to keep in mind that it’s the drug that keeps you from feeling good and hoping. Nothing can change who you are. Even though it seems like you aren’t, you are still who you were before this, and knowing who you are is what will get you through this. You have to be there for you, endure and survive. No one will fight for you but yourself. So if you truly loved life before this keep going until the easiness comes back, and whilst it doesn’t, learn to love it again.
TLTR: I believe that the drug makes you feel like this is permanent, but that your body is indeed capable of recovering and throwing you back into life. I had a window; one day where I felt better than ever. If I was capable of feeling alive for a day after stopping treatment, it means I have the tools to do it again. And you have them too.