Mysterie
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- May 7, 2010
- Messages
- 4,541
I've been thinking very seriously about killing myself for about the past week or 2. I just feel alone all of the time, my teeth are fucked up and I'm a junkie and ex crack head with meth mouth, really, who could fucking love me for me? I'm just tired of feeling alone, it hurts too much, I shoot subutex, take clonazepam, drink and smoke pot all daily and it hardly even helps anymore, I still always feel sad and alone. I've been told I'm not a bad looking guy and I've had some beautiful girlfriends in my past but I just don't see anything when I'm single except why I wouldn't be wanted and it's become so fucking hard for me to find someone new to date or to have sex with, I just feel like I'll never be the confident guy I need to be and because of that, I'll be alone forever. I'm tired of needing a girlfriend or someone I'm having sex with to feel valued, I've been going to therapy, going to NA, trying to cut back on my drug use and everything else suggested to me and yet this week I've been thinking more seriously about killing myself than I have been in a long time. I've been having to shoot up mainly in my groin and legs these past few weeks and I've almost been hoping that kills me, at least then I wouldn't receive 100% of the blame where I would if I were to shoot myself or something like that. I just wish I hadn't deleted so many phone numbers when I was got sober, now that I'm thinking about killing myself, it's not too big of a deal if I just fucking relapse and do some dope or get a good gram of crack or something before that, hell, I would love to just get enough heroin to commit suicide.
I don't even know anymore, maybe I should do it, the only thing holding me back is guilt, if it were just me I'd of killed myself about 8 years ago or even sooner than that. I just want to finally feel happiness again...
hey, i haven't seen you posting around for a long while, welcome back .
i remember enjoying reading your posts, i think you have something positive to give the world. don't give up yet, things can only get better from here. its probably a cliche by now, but its true, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. i don't think if you are really depressed, this is a time to make rational decisions about ending your entire future, its a big call...
there have been plenty of ex-addicts who have been able to find love after having problems with teeth, some will get dental work done, or even some partners will see past superficial appearances. danny brown has done pretty well missing both front teeth! he pulls it off because he has confidence, and that is something that can be cultivated.
use the motivation to be more connected with other people to strengthen your determination to live life without dulling it out, believe in yourself, forgive yourself.