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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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I feel like God turned his back on me

Hi, I'm new here and found this site by doing a google search on 'how does a heroin overdose feel'..I'm not proud of the fact I've been using drugs since I was in the womb thanks to my mom taking acid while pregnant. I've done it all..I have chronic pain from degenerative disc disease and neuropathy in my spine and have a total of 48 surgeries in my lifetime. I've been on opiates most of my life needless to say and of course my tolerance is quite high. I've been going through 180 perc 5's in two weeks because I can't control my pain issues..today I went to a pain clinic in Boston seeking help out of desperation and hopelessness..I wanted to get a pain pump which was offered to me 12 years ago but I turned it down..I suppose my tendency to be honest to a fault fucked me over..I spent two hours writing a heart-felt, honest letter to my doctor at the pain clinic telling him about my depression and debilitation when I run out of my meds..I begged him for help..over the last year I started doing heroin as an alternative for pain when I run out of my scripts and usually will snort it because it tends to have a cocaine affect on me which I prefer to nodding out..it kills my pain and I'm able to function like a human being..on my worst days of no opiates at all I've written suicide letters in my head to my dad and friends apologizing..I've even thought about putting my 16-year old dog to sleep with me because I know nobody will love him like I do and care for him the way he needs..I told this all to the doctor today in tears..begging..pleading for help..instead..they are now making me goto treatment next week and start subs..they will also inform my current doctor of my substance issues so I am sure to lose my meds..on my way home..a four hour ride in tears and pain I thought about the easiest way to end my life..after all I'm 45 and can't decide if I just don't care any more or I want to give it one more shot..I was seriously considering od'ing on purpose by simply buying 4-5 bags and using a needle since my tolerance for injections is very low..it sounds nice..just nod off and don't wake up..this is not a cry for help so please don't call 911 :/ it's simply the way things are..I haven't decided what to do since my dog is the one thing keeping me alive..but he is getting old and pained as well..if I do commit suicide I think I will do it this way..after all the doctors obviously didn't give a shit and now I'm stuck without any pain meds and will have to use dope for awhile..I don't lie, cheat or steal like the people around me do..I work hard online to make my drug money..and waste it..thousands of dollars..not to get high but simply to be without pain..I use heroin for medicinal purposes but obviously that wasn't a good enough reason also..I told the doctors I wanted to stop and just get a pain pump and my medical marijuana card..I'm lucky I was able to go home at all today..after reading the descriptions of people od'ing on dope it seems kind of mixed but mostly leans to a nice..yet darkly drastic way to die..I am afraid to goto hell though..kind of funny in a way..but I just don't care anymore..I appreciate the honesty I found on this site as it has helped me to consider things..no worries..for now I'm still here.:|
 
Yesterday was the worst day of my life... I woke up to find my best friend and roommate dead on his bed, both myself and the paramedics failed to revive him, I was his live in aide under Section 8 so now I'm going to be homeless (live in aides do not qualify to take over the voucher of a deceased resident even though I qualify being that I get SSDI and have panic disorder, agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and whatever else they have labeled me these days)... That makes 3 times since I was 20 that I've lost EVERYTHING and had to start over and I just hit 31 on October 2nd... I don't know if I have the strength to make it through this one. Not this time. Rent is so high in Denver that I could never afford it and I just wouldn't survive on the street so I figure I might as well go out in my own bed... I only have 50mg of oxy (and zero tolerance) but I've got other downers... I just can't start over again... I barely made it last time... And even worse, none of my friends will know because my address has already been posted on FB once today when I was busy calling his family and friends and I can't risk another failed attempt.
 
MagickalKat777 said:
Yesterday was the worst day of my life... I woke up to find my best friend and roommate dead on his bed, both myself and the paramedics failed to revive him, I was his live in aide under Section 8 so now I'm going to be homeless (live in aides do not qualify to take over the voucher of a deceased resident even though I qualify being that I get SSDI and have panic disorder, agoraphobia, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and whatever else they have labeled me these days)... That makes 3 times since I was 20 that I've lost EVERYTHING and had to start over and I just hit 31 on October 2nd... I don't know if I have the strength to make it through this one. Not this time. Rent is so high in Denver that I could never afford it and I just wouldn't survive on the street so I figure I might as well go out in my own bed... I only have 50mg of oxy (and zero tolerance) but I've got other downers... I just can't start over again... I barely made it last time... And even worse, none of my friends will know because my address has already been posted on FB once today when I was busy calling his family and friends and I can't risk another failed attempt.
Click to expand...

im sorry to hear about your friends passing, its such a shock to suddenly lose someone who is important to you.

why is it that you are going to be homeless now? are there other avenues to explore? people who you could ask for help and advice?

i hope you can see that you have the strength within you to overcome difficult life situations, if you have done it 3 times before then it has to be easier than it was the first time. give yourself some time to process everything happening around you and try and find some support, the world could use more smart people.

ur not alone in this, other people hurt and care too.
 
Maxxine said:
Hi, I'm new here and found this site by doing a google search on 'how does a heroin overdose feel'..I'm not proud of the fact I've been using drugs since I was in the womb thanks to my mom taking acid while pregnant. I've done it all..I have chronic pain from degenerative disc disease and neuropathy in my spine and have a total of 48 surgeries in my lifetime. I've been on opiates most of my life needless to say and of course my tolerance is quite high. I've been going through 180 perc 5's in two weeks because I can't control my pain issues..today I went to a pain clinic in Boston seeking help out of desperation and hopelessness..I wanted to get a pain pump which was offered to me 12 years ago but I turned it down..I suppose my tendency to be honest to a fault fucked me over..I spent two hours writing a heart-felt, honest letter to my doctor at the pain clinic telling him about my depression and debilitation when I run out of my meds..I begged him for help..over the last year I started doing heroin as an alternative for pain when I run out of my scripts and usually will snort it because it tends to have a cocaine affect on me which I prefer to nodding out..it kills my pain and I'm able to function like a human being..on my worst days of no opiates at all I've written suicide letters in my head to my dad and friends apologizing..I've even thought about putting my 16-year old dog to sleep with me because I know nobody will love him like I do and care for him the way he needs..I told this all to the doctor today in tears..begging..pleading for help..instead..they are now making me goto treatment next week and start subs..they will also inform my current doctor of my substance issues so I am sure to lose my meds..on my way home..a four hour ride in tears and pain I thought about the easiest way to end my life..after all I'm 45 and can't decide if I just don't care any more or I want to give it one more shot..I was seriously considering od'ing on purpose by simply buying 4-5 bags and using a needle since my tolerance for injections is very low..it sounds nice..just nod off and don't wake up..this is not a cry for help so please don't call 911 :/ it's simply the way things are..I haven't decided what to do since my dog is the one thing keeping me alive..but he is getting old and pained as well..if I do commit suicide I think I will do it this way..after all the doctors obviously didn't give a shit and now I'm stuck without any pain meds and will have to use dope for awhile..I don't lie, cheat or steal like the people around me do..I work hard online to make my drug money..and waste it..thousands of dollars..not to get high but simply to be without pain..I use heroin for medicinal purposes but obviously that wasn't a good enough reason also..I told the doctors I wanted to stop and just get a pain pump and my medical marijuana card..I'm lucky I was able to go home at all today..after reading the descriptions of people od'ing on dope it seems kind of mixed but mostly leans to a nice..yet darkly drastic way to die..I am afraid to goto hell though..kind of funny in a way..but I just don't care anymore..I appreciate the honesty I found on this site as it has helped me to consider things..no worries..for now I'm still here.:|
Click to expand...

have a look through the chronic pain mega thread and post this there as well, there may be people who have gone through similar things and can offer some support or guidance. i like that you value honesty and love your dog so much! i think it shows that you have a beautiful heart.
 
Hi everyone, feeling stressed out. I'm feeling like, "why did this happen to me?" People do cocaine everyday and don't suffer nerve damage like me. II never even used it that much. I don't get, sigh. Feels like life is over. I don't know, just venting I guess.
 
What kind of nerve damage, Blue? Living with pain can be demoralizing, that's for sure--especially when you are young enough for that not to be the norm (I'm old so most of my friends and I are dealing with something!). How long have you had it?
 
The doctors don't know what's going on, smh. I had all kind of test done. They ruled out stroke and vasculitis so maybe it was just a bad reaction to the cocaine. It's been 16 months. I really just lost my mind last year when this happened. I dropped the ball, I had so much going for myself and threw it away. Now I have nerve pain 24/7 on the whole left side of my body. It's just difficult living like this. I'm not even living, im just existing. It's a terrible feeling. It just makes you wonder if death is better. I feel like I'm already dead. I know it, my family knows it, I'm not the same anymore. I feel like I died when this happened. My soul/life died that day.
 
Well, don't give up on the medical world getting to the bottom of it. Sometimes it only takes one doctor to think of something the rest missed. That really sounds pretty unusual to be caused by cocaine. I would keep looking for another cause because the doctors may be missing something.
 
even though ive moved to a new place all i want to do each morning is not wake up i am sick of never having anybody to love i am sick of how no matter what people wont have anything to do with me because of a bunch of bullying scum that have threatened them and their family's if they go near me i really think that this is going to come to a very sharp end with in the next few days if not weeks i cant see me making it to the end of the month
 
FG, try to put those people out of your mind--even if they are family members. Concentrate on what you love and what makes you happy--your cat, music, your BL "family" (lots of people here love you) and get yourself out for walks. Your mind wants to go back to what is painful and lacking but try refusing to go that route at all.
 
thank you as always got a letter to see a case worker yesterday to talk about meds plus after 36 hours of popping one after another my benzos diclazpam ones now seem to be doing something for me

should be making the place cat safe this afternoon

and i hear what your saying but this lot are vile human beings who basically have threatened to kill someone if she has anything to do with me all that after getting a flat right next to hers just so i could see if i could make things work
 
things are not getting any better sorry if its sound like trolling but i am very scared at the minute and not of what they want to do to me but the act of suicide which i seem to have no say left in seems like ive lost everything and was never meant to have anyone or any thing in the first place
 
this is just getting worse i cant sleep with out having the most sickeningly screwed up dreams i wake up in a empty house walk down the street just to be ignored by everyone ive got an appointment to see a support work later in the month but i am really not sure if i will be here

who would of thought that getting of the drugs would of made things worse that or i could be so stupid as to believe that anyone would ever truly care about me

i moved here because of her and now its all turned to shit

its getting worse i am really starting to struggle her hour upon hour alone no money no family and now no friends at all and the easiest way out is still a week away but ive still got a a chose that i can do just its not the nice way to do this

so see you lot i may be back but unless something changes quickly tonight fuck it and thank you shame the rest of the people in this world did give a fuck about me as much
[video]https://youtu.be/GAdAxVWAaWA[/video] the boy in the picture seahorses
 
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woke up feeling sick with dread at the day ahead of me again to the countless hours alone the voice rattling around my head plus the very real vile comments coming from the stupid little wankers outside this is really becoming a struggle just not to wake up and drop another sleeper pill but my tolerance is now so sky high i will only get a few hours extra from it but then i end up dreaming of the same shit as is driving me insane in this world 38 years basically alone abused and unwanted is enough i think now

i feel a little sick to my guts at the minute ive got the things i need to do this now just can bring myself to do it

https://youtu.be/icb2baV9MgA "Tangled Up In You" - Staind - Lyrics
 
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never did it last night dont think what ive got with out adding to it will do the job and i do not fancy laying there for a few days waiting for it to happen

o and to one or two people fuck off with the i am trolling i am not what would you do when a gang of drug dealing scum who have all ready raped you start threatening to rape and kill and one who has anything to do with you the coppers dont care and ive got fuck all left as the cowardly cunts dont go near me so this is real ive not much say left in any of this
 
hey foolsgold, just wanted to pop in and see how your doing. i'm sorry to hear about how rough the past few days have been :(. how many days until you see the case worker? hopefully that could clear your head a bit.

are the people trolling you on BL? if someone is sending you harassing msgs u could report them.

how long have you been off drugs for? what were you addicted to? how long were u on them?

i believe you can get through this. <3
 
i see them on the 26th of this month but i am not sure i can get that far it seems like i had a very cruel joke played on me and the end result is i am now stuck some where i do not wish to be

and thanks for at least taking the time to ask :)
 
Hi foolsgold.

So very sorry to hear you're going through this.

Is there an emergency/crisis mental health team that you could contact?
 
Hey FG <3 I've not been around much so I'm so sorry to see you're still having problems finding somewhere safe to live.

Things clearly arent going well but we clearly can't really know everything that has gone down, your living this.

Regardless of past events and current problems (which I'm not glossing over) you appear to be in quite an vulnerable mental state and it worries me that you are on your own and feeling unsafe.

I know you dislike the idea of residential care and psychs in general, I get that, I've been there...and back, but I'm still urging you to seek help and keep seeking it until you get some, you know you can drop me a line anytime my good man
 
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