Understanding it all
Ok Hi all. And Hihopes..
You are describing accurately what I am currently experiencing. Only my soul saviour & partner's demise was, i believe a result of my clouded judgement ending with the death of not just Mick Hales but the suicide of my Michaela (my girl). I miss her desperately. I feel life is so tough without having her around that I am killing myself with sleep deprivation on three or four week MDPV benders. The following week is usually spent in bed until the next 10 g is dispatched to me. ..
It is strangely ironic that the one thing that I thought i could depend on to help shut out my pain, also began to invoke the darkest of nightmares which were so intense they became part of my waking life making my whole lonely space unbearable.. My "solace" has been in the continued 'pursuit of oblivion' with the
smak. Never before in over 15 years of using have i experienced such violent nightmares.. Michaela came back into my life through a mutual junk bud of ours- Dan from the isle of wight & was the reason my life took a sudden change for the better in 2008 when I came off opiates finally and it was a breeze.
.Thanks to Mix she made it easy as she was one of the few who never fell for the Heroin that became epidemic round her some 20 years back. She really was an inspiration to me enough that i didn't look back once we got together and grew strong and proud to be alive with her.
After the years went by the cracks that appeared that probably were always on the cards i am thinking & i had to distance myself from Mix because i wanted to keep her as a soul mate and friend above a lover and tensions were mounting in her house so i stayed in my bus in the valley not two mile down the road...
After she dropped the boys off at school she would come see me every day nearly and so i continued to love her after living apart for almost two years..Mix i know was really strong in character and yet oddly i now think she was morbidly fascinated by the dark side of smak making out that she had no time for junkies and yet both Dan and I were full on users who she embraced as brothers and then Mix & I fell in love sending Dan packing back down the isle of wight to continue his self destruction...
So i became strong and worked hard to build on our relationship by extending the house etc.
I ponder on the train of thought that says life is pre-ordained and that we are all pawns in a game played by God or the Gods. Perhaps. Do you ever really know someone..? I did all i could and more to become what i am now...?. a victim of my own making.
I introduced Mix to an old acquaintance when by coincidence I was told he was holding
speed which was Michaela's poison. She never knew Tant who was a new found source for speed but also a life long intravenous smak head. I knew this as anyone who knew Tant did - hell i used to be, but Mix helped me change all that. We had some savage rows recently but i continued adoring her and wanted to be of use to her in any way since we couldn't live together
So..Mix meets Tant.. That was fkn that. Next; my auntie passes away suddenly Christmas last year and so Mum and i go to Scotland for two weeks..Auntie Sue was Number 1. They say death runs in threes? . I was dealt my second and coldest blow then.. when I was up there, miles away she mocked me and proudly told me how good Tant was in bed and i was devistated. I threatened to kill Tant. He ignored me.
I was powerless to do anything. I felt sick so hurt and confused and angry. I knew they were lying when i was told Tant was getting clean and my worst fears came true..
The second to die was Mick Hales shortly after I returned home and he was an olds mate who i knew was always keen on Mix but then the three started hangin and Mick OD'd then a week later my darling Mix topped herself with Tant nowhere to found..
I can in no way describe my grief. I had to quit the use of smak to deal with the pain as the nightmares were too much. So i go with the deprivation of sleep which is intense yet insightful and i believe is helping in one sense to work out how these events all break down and so after the manic lack of sleep emerges a sense of clarity. A revalation one might say i am now a victim of the savage truth. Do we create our own reality and so become the architects of our own demise.?
This is not my conclusion its merely my thoughts on how pointless being a victim really is. After all i am still here and my worries have died have they not..? The past is a wilderness of horrors so not a good dwell point move forward by thinking ahead.. Hope for the best and plan so as to allow for the worst and forgive yourself.
I am, like you just so sad. Life is hard. Feeling utterly alone. But here we are! Not so alone..
Stay clean. Be strong.
Our salvation depends on it.
Like the mushroom, nature finds a way to recycle, proving and beautifully personifying that "
Life after Death" cycle is very much a part of the process in an immense picture. Out of the decay that prevails the damp weeks of autumn twilight comes life in fruitful abundance for our benefit as for the order of things that remain mysterious to us; yet available in the darkening days approaching the winter... We will- i believe join with loved ones we lost when our time comes, but for now we remain here in our current state of being with a purpose we have yet to understand or fulfill and so;
we matter.
Tis True.
Many Thanks for reading.
Love
Peace & Harmony.. Gav
