So i'm wondering if i should buy 4-aco-dmt.
I'm suffering from emetophobia, OCD (nowhere near as bad as a few years back, i got rid of it but now it's starting to come back, and i don't want it controlling my life again), (social) anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. I have kind of a paranoid behaviour, sometimes i have paranoid periods, last bad one was the summer of 2012, i'd wake up shaking 'cause i was so paranoid, i'd have a knife tucked in by the bed and i'd walk around the apartment certain there was someone there. I've tried to commit suicide before, and also practiced my method at home, i have slight speech impediment (kind of a mumbling when i talk and occasional stuttering), bad balance and amnesia as a result of this. I figured this will play a role in whether or not i should try this substance.
It is very crippling, the main problem here is the emetophobia which pretty much has brought on most of my psychological issues.
Some of my drug usage history:
I'm a recovering benzo addict.
I occasionally use codeine and i rarely use opium. The opium i smoke with cannabis as i get kind of like an entheogenic effect, it helps to keep me grounded and it motivates me to do something about my life. But i still have my psychological problems which makes it kinda hard.
Some of my past:
I barely know my father. Growing up i had to spend every other weekend at his place 'cause my mom is almost deaf so she needed to rest 'cause i always followed her around 'cause i didn't really have any friends growing up.
I'd spend every other weekend at dad's watching TV in the morning, then he'd leave me at home to play golf for like 5 hours, he'd come home and start drinking and just change the channel on the telly to watch golf, i'd spend rest of the day looking out the window and listening to him moaning about me not hanging out with people.
I was bullied in school. Made fun off, got beat up, threatened, chased home from school. One girl in my class used to protect me, her brother has quite a reputation around my area and is greatly respected.
Growing up i had to console my mother 'cause she'd usually start crying after her and dad had got off the phone 'cause they were always yelling and stuff.
Mum and I had some problems with me in my early teenager years where we'd always fight and i'd get kicked out, but i was always let back in later.
Last summer i was almost kidnapped because i used to sell tramadol, the guy had robbed me before.
I worked at a pharmacy which really got my addiction going, i worked there for 2 weeks, i had enough benzos under my couch for 4 months, and i stole tramadol to sell 'cause it's popular in my area. This was like a year or so before the attempted kidnapping.
Secondary, i went for a few months, i never went for a week straight though 'cause i was bullied there too, 'cause of my social anxiety, i had my own room to study in, but people tried to kick the door in and all that. So after a few months i'd had enough of that and i dropped out.
This was like 3 and a half years ago and i've had nothing to do. I have a few friends but i rarely see them. My best friend lives in England and we talk everyday.
Being home for all these years certainly made my psychological problems worse.
I've gone to CBT, talk therapy and all that. CBT helped a LOT, but i had to leave the place when i turned 18. The guy working with me sent me to rehab a few months before i turned 18, but he still worked with me.
Meds i'm currently prescribed are promethazine and alimemazine. I've quit the promethazine and i'm tapering down on the alimemazine 'cause i've been on them since i was like 15, cannabis made me realise i need to learn to sleep naturally and not with pharmaceuticals.
Cannabis helped me with OCD as well.
So i was wondering, how useful do you think it'd be for me to use this substance as a crotch? I don't really need it to fix my life straight up by itself, which i doubt anything could. But i'd like something to help me mentally, so i can just get around dealing with these problems.
I'm almost 20 and i've been living almost like a recluse for years now, and i have suicide on my mind everyday. No strong suicidal thoughts, but i think about it pretty much everyday. I would love to just being able to live my own life and eventually move to england to live with my best friend. He's into psychedelics as well.
I don't wanna be here tripping balls in my room, i'd just like some help psychologically.
Sorry for the long post, but i figured this information would be necessary.