I went to an NA meeting tonight. This was my first meeting, and I got lucky. I got an amazing meeting. EVERYONE was so nice to me. They all smiled at me and I couldn't perceive any judgment in spite of my social anxiety, I listened to everyone and they gave me a "Welcome" keychain and I had a cigarette with two people afterwards, both of whom incidentally have bipolar, both of whom are opiate addicts, and I felt accepted and understood, at home with a bunch of strangers. I felt this real undeniably genuine human connection, I believe because we're all addicts and we all understand at least a fragment of each other's pain, so on some level we all understand at least just a little bit of each other. It was real, it was a real feeling, living, anonymous community and it was so refreshing to talk to people who smile when they speak with you and genuinely care. This meeting reminded me in a fundamental way just how valuable and meaningful life is. I can already tell NA is going to be something that saves my life. I've relapsed 6 times and I've always tried to do it alone. If I didn't use I at various times and in varying capacities made suicide, cutting, fear, pain, death, writing, math, philosophy, love, my higher power, without simply realizing that a higher power can't be defined, can't be known. Tonight I learned that there's a group of people out there who accept and cherish that incomprehension and are actually able to survive, thrive and live in spite and perhaps because of it. And that group is willing to embrace and accept me with the only condition that I myself want to live in that incomprehension. Tonight I discovered my higher power, and I can honestly say that it is as a matter of fact incomprehension. I don't understand a fucking thing and it's beautiful! I can count on two fingers the people in my life with whom I have that kind of real genuine connection, who understand me, who get me, they're my girlfriend and my father and I love each of them unconditionally, unceasingly. Tonight I learned that in order to be happy with myself I personally have to work towards becoming selfless. This is something that I've struggled with for years, and I'm beginning to see not a way out, but a way over, through. I feel so good, so hopeful.
In short, I went to NA and it was a strange epiphany-riddled success.