A STORY FROM A LONG TERM HEAVY USER LOOKING BACK AFTER A FEW MONTHS CLEAN:
about me: mid 30s. Female. experience of many drugs (excluding heroin and never used needles, its easier to say the nots then the haves) over the years, ex cocaine addict, now stick to legals, hardly ever. except MXE which became a daily habbit averaging 1g a day. usually insufated in divided doses (never 1g at once!! over a 12hr day)...usually wake up with a bump, bump through the day, and end with 100-200mg (up to 350mx) to hole before sleep. i have had 2 or 3 1-2 weeks abstinence at most , and one 3 week break in that time. i have now had a couple months clean. and am looking back..... here is my story and i hope some things to think about.
(SIDE NOTE: ive noticed in europe this is getting very rare, i dont know if there have been more bans? its sort of vanished. as for me, i am i wonder at times, or was, one of the most prolific abusers of MXE, having taken a average of a gram a day for i dont know how long, perhaps well over a year. i have since my main source stopped supplying it used it as an excuse to finally have a rest. here is my take after a month or so clean...saying that i have looked and even tried the fake branded stuff being sold in the uk as a replacement ...which BTW is horrible, variable and nothing like MXE, you get different things each time, most is bunk....avoiud)
1) i have a lot more money now. it might not have seemed it, but it was an expensive habbit
2) the effects changed. tolerance kicks in fast early on, when i first used this, i overdosed a few times, it freaked my partner out who is not experienced with drugs and she had called ambulance on a few occasions, i was usually annoyed as i was just in a hole as far as i knew, but apparently i would have "scary eyes just staring into space, unresponsive, hard to tell if i was alive, i certainly was not there"...on occasion when ambulence had been called, i did actually have dangerously high blood pressure, and was taken to ER. on every occasion it dropped fast as i came out of the hole and was able to sober up and discharge myself without treatment feeling like a twat, healthcare could be given to those that need it more then my folly (like old people falling over or something)
3) early O.D.s and close calls would involve a rise in blood pressure, like a panic attack only with lasting concern. i could feel it happen....for some reason after time, or after the uk ban and a new source, this blood pressure thing didnt happen.
4) effects changed with tolerance, the trip went and for months i have not tripped on it even after a few weeks abstinence. the glow and the "float" stayed...although i needed more and more to achive it, and it lasted less and less. i used to trip to music and this was heaven and what i did it for, but what was a couple of hours floating imersed in the music got shorter and shorter untill it was 1 cd, and then maybe only 30min. the visuals of the trip vanished and have never come back. the CEV which i describe as pretty glowy shapes and forms usually in green made out of lines or blurrs like say a puff of smoke that forms say a cube or a dragon in green laser light...hard to describe...CEV would be there. and actually are permanent as when i close my eyes i still see psychadelia now. i have heard too many trips can cause a permanent state where closing your eyes you still see things.
5) the confidence i thought it gave me and the anti depressant effect i thought it gave me, the "pefect drug" / "soma" ..at first a bump in a bar or club would be better then ecstacy in my youth, made me chat, made me dance. ...my depression lifted. etc. looking back, people could probably tell i was wasted i wasnt kidding anyone. my depression long term came back, much as a dose would in my mind wake me up and make me want to do stuff, more and more i isolated myself from people, MXE was all about ME. floating to music, playing video games, watching movies, swimming :S ...all AMAZING on MXE but all ALONE. .... over the year i completely lost interest in socialising. my relationship suffered a bit, i am in a long term relationship, we both have had addiction issues, and "know the score" with eachother, i was allowed mxe, but it was a fine line as i was neglecting that night after night i would be in bed with music on in a hole rather then making love. i was also annoying as hell when i came out of the hole and would try and explain some amazing (or so i thought) insight or experience at 4am whilst still unable to speak to someone who had to get up to work. ..plus the few times that i needed paramedics made my partner worry about me a lot. i always made "MXE free" days, but not enough on reflection. i am lucky to have that relationship still. had i lost it that may have been the last social thing i was interested in. ........
.........the confidence and the anti depressant were obviously on reflection not permanent and not real, other wise i would not have isolated myself. i still have the depression when sober. i sank into a DEEP depression in the weeks after stopping. my anxiety since stopping is FAR WORSE then it was before. i suffered an anxiety disorder before i took MXE, i get a bit agrophobic, MXE got me out at first, but in the end i was MORE agrophobic and MORE depressed at the end. i now have panic attacks that are FAR WORSE then i ever had them. even in low stress places. i can only tollerate a couple of hours with friends, in a quiet place, i could not no way go clubbing and this weekend i am missing a wedding because i cant handle new people. i am about to start therapy.
6) dangerous situations: much as i liked to think i was UBBER responsible. i was not. i put myself in danger with ODs regularly at first. it took me a while to learn to only put out in a pot what i plan to take in a day, and measure every time. even when experienced and knowing that you cant eye ball it, i still sometimes would, and badly. as a experiment i sitll cant eyeball. what i guess at several 50mg bumps, weighted varied from 20mg - 120mg. and that was sober. many times i was not.
i swam on it. i have been in baths on it. i wouldnt cross a road, or drive on it, or anythnig extreme as thats how you die. however on ONE OCCASION poorly judged use led to this situation happening:
i used to love a small dose and going to the gym, then having a float in a spa. on low doses. i thought was fine, reflection, i was a fucking idiot and suprised i was never thrown out, needed help or hurt myself.
i moved house this time last year. my gym and spa was 100 yards away, now it was a 15min drive. .....(I have never admitted this to anyone and if someone else had done it i would have told them what i thought of them)....so i would go for a while, take a bump, not enough to trip, have a swim, relax. come down. when safe. come home. sounds fine yea? NO. 1) you CANT judge that you are OVER the trip. you are in state and intoxicated. you cant judge this. i only did this maybe 3 times. safely. then it went wrong. i eyeballed a dose in a toilet. it must have been too much plus i had had a clear few days. tolerance dropped. i didnt know. i was in the steam room, suddenly i felt myself getting really really wonky. i dont remember leaving the steam room, but i got out, got to the changing room. i was unsure if i had fallen and been assisted. i didnt know if the manager had helped me there. (he hadnt, i asked later if i had "fainted or something" and no one had seen anything unusual). so im sat there in a changing room getting REALLY FUCKED UP. for some reason instead of waiting it out, i tried to dress. i got my skirt on, could hardly manage my top. i rushed out to my car holding my top against my boobs to look dressed and sat in my car. ...again. any normal person would stop here and sober up. i was panicing so decided to move the car out of sight as i was paranoid. ..the spa was up a mud track. i at first confused the accelorator and break pedals. i moved the car, nowhere to put it. i ended up driving the 10 min home, i was coming around by now, but for at least half that journey of windy fast road. i was topless in a drop top car, with no roll bar. with no control..it took all i had to keep in lane. it was a mirricle that i didint kill anyone. or get pulled over in a MXE hole topless. that would have been that.
had i hurt anyone or caused an accident i would not be able to live with myself.
7) dose/tolerance.
my tolerance went up fast with daily use. i would need 100mg to just float usually. in the end it was more. i was using 1g a day from nearly the start...the effects went, but i was afraid to push up the dose more then this (its already crazy high use). i used to insuffate it (snort). i have never used needles, and plugging and sub ling didnt feel right to me, i didnt ever know for sure if it worked or not. i have no idea what dose would have made me trip, maybe i will never be able to at all, but i was not going to push it anymore.
....i think i was delusional whilst using MXE, although at the time i was sure i was fine. i am better off without it. i crave it, i miss it, but those last experiences and the above story made me look at myself and think "fuck, you are out of control, you are lucky to be even a little bit sane, you are doing unknown harm to yourself, you are now a danger to others and neglecting friends, family etc".
MXE addiction (i was addicted, i still am. just like the cocaine, i mgiht not use, but the love is still there)...is real. Cocaine took me in my 20s, MXE took me as well, not as dramatically, but it still took me.
I DO NOT WANT to stop using it. I simply have no choice now. I started getting constant abdominal pains and I stopped using it. I have not used it for 8 days now and the pain is ceasing. I will take as long break as I can. 
MXE to blame... Takin any Rc's was a bad change..
