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Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

assclass

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Yes. No.

It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. You know the end result. You have to watch as someone you love, hurts and dies. You can't do anything to fix it. You have to wait, and pray you don't wait long in agony, for your impending doom.
 

Erikmen

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Yes, I understand how sad it must be. Some people say that it doesn't feel as bad as looks, others say it's worse.
I guess the only thing we can do is to be there for them. Keep the best memories you've had together. Wish for her best. <3
 

Ignio

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In a few days I have gone from being very happy and proud about job-related stuff to fealing awful. As you might have seen from other threads my daily intake is around
60 mg methadone
450 mg pregabalin
2 mg clonazepam
2 mg alprazolam
All this is "legit" as it is prescription and I try to stay on the rigt side of the law, but I do supplement this with other things form time to time. My criminal record will be clean in a few months. However, when you have lived a life in many years doings mostly drug related crimes and having friends who are also like that or worse, even though you work hard to remove yourself from that part, some "ghosts" will regularly appear forcing you to act in ways that you are no longer comfortable with. It is not the actual doing that I am not comfortable with, as I have just done that too many times to be affected by it. Rather, it is the consequences that this MIGHT end up having if it catches the attention of the police etc. You cannot do anything but sit and wait out the days and when a certain amount of time have passed you start relaxing again and forgetting about it. I don't have much of a social life besides people from work as most people just have up on me through the times and those who didn't are mostly part of the groups I no longer with association with.

I don't know if anyone else know this feeling or can imagine how it is?

It just add more preasure, stress and anxiety to a psychie that is already balancing on the edge. Before I didn't care about these things, but now I feel like I have so much to loose if anything were to happen. The only thing you can do is try not to think about it, but that is not always easy
 

Erikmen

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Question is how long can you stay on all of these "legit" meds. Some people can do it forever, but when the time comes you've got to do something about it. Tolerance and side effects start to become an issue you had never thought about. What made you once sleepy and comfy starts to be a problem, physically speaking it can make your metabolism slow, mess with your hormones. The fact is that you can never rely on living on drugs forever. It's not real, it doesn't end well. It's just a matter of time.
 

Ignio

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Yeah you raise a stressingly relevant question as well. Having been on methadone for 2 years and taken drugs since I was a young teenager and a "pure" addict in around 8 years I can feel the toll it have taken on my body. I have, however, no intention of stopping within the next 3 years (some work thing that have lead me to make this the time of desicion). But in three years I will have to consider if I should start to attempt tappering down. I ask myself the question how long I realistically can expect to be on methadone will still having a chance to get off it. The longer I take it, the harder it gets to step, the greater the risk that it will be my entire life. Which might have been fine if I were 50 or something. But being in my 30s I haven't even lived half of the average life expectancy.

But I do know one thing. I am simply to unstable psychologically and I have to many addictive behaviors embedded within me yet. So if I do attempt to stop now, there is a very very big chance that it will be very short term. But then again, you can always make this rationalization.

But currently it have become so bad that I consider raising my daily dose of methadone from 60 mg to 80 mg. But I definately see you perspective. The addict sitting on the back of oneself will always whisper things like I need more and I can't stop just yet, gimme something more
 

placid space

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and taken drugs since I was a young teenager and a "pure" addict in around 8 years I can feel the toll it have taken on my body.
Im just curious, can you elaborate a little bit what kind of toll, what have you noticed about your body?
thx
 

Ignio

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Im just curious, can you elaborate a little bit what kind of toll, what have you noticed about your body?
thx
I have developed epilepsy during my addiction and having suffered sevel grand mal seizures. One of the times the seizures continued, stopped shortly and continued again. This went on for 40 minuts before the ambulance came and picked me up and got me to the hospital where they put me in a medical induced coma. I suffered nerve damage all over the body from this, in particular in the left side of my upper body which left me with an arm that was completely paralyzed for about a month and then feeling slowly started coming back, and with feeling I mean intense pain, it took around six months before I could use my arm fully again. The paralyzed arm was never fully understood by the doctors though. It only rarely happens when there is no brain damage so they had several wild diagnosis in play.
From yet another seizure I broke my right shoulder from the fall and this required several operations and even after several years I havent gotten full mobility back and I might never will.
Every time I get a seizure I am not allowed to drive for a year. This is also somewhat frustrating, but fully understandable and something I can live with. But if you consider it, in some way I intentionally and willingly caused all this damage to my buddy and nervous system (by "choosing" to continue my addiction).
 

Erikmen

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I can relate to the fact we may bring some bad medical problems to ourselves due to the intense use of drugs. Some people more than others as these feelings can be pretty bad as some of us not only regret but also feel angry about ourselves. ]

On the other hand, I've had a lot of friends and friends of friends who have developed the worst diseases, a couple of relatives even died and all of them have done nothing to their bodies or mind. On the contrary they were young and full of life, exercised since they were kids, ate healthy food.

Nevertheless, they have had the worst health conditions. I know we can and could have prevented bad things to happen but we never know what happens on the following day. I'm sorry to hear that. My sister has developed a condition where she would have quite serious seizures and she's a saint. She once felt and broke her ribs and nobody ever detected what the problem is. It happens from time to time.

I really believe we all learn to adapt to the real bad things with time. Not that we end up liking what we have but we develop ways to live with it and accept it. It's a matter of time and support too IMHO.
 

Xorkoth

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My best and oldest friend (been a brother since second grade, so 27 years now) has been strung out on meth for months and months, actually probably about a year and a half. Last Christmas I saw him for the first time in 2 years, 2 years before he was doing great, sober from heroin and alcohol and really happy and advancing himself. Last Christmas we smoked meth together., we hung out and he offered me some and we smoked it all night and caught up, had a great time. I've done it a few times, never cared for it too much and was always scared to try it more than once in a blue moon. I could tell over the course of that week that he was heading to bad places though, he was doing it all the time and his teeth were getting fucked up and he just looked kinda strung out and was developing obsessive behaviors.

Anyway, over the course of this year he would sometimes send me manic texts about how his brother was a horrible person to live with (I'm sure this is true). He got increasingly agitated. Then a few months ago he started telling me stories about how his brother stole his identity and some increasingly intense tales. I believed him, but realized he was getting deep into meth just by his mannerisms (by the way, he lives 1000 miles away from me so I can only interact with him via phone/texts/Facebook). Then within the past 2 months I realized he's lost the plot, and it's gotten worse and worse. It started when he tried to hit me up for money, with an obvious scam (offering to pay me with Venmo if I wired him cash). He was going on and on about how his brother and his meth friends had constructed tunnels under his apartment, and also behind the walls, and were hiding in his ceiling recording his keystrokes and had stolen $100,000 from him - which he never had. I told him he needed to stop doing meth and get some sleep... he said he doesn't do meth anymore and he can't sleep because his brother's friends try to break in every time he is about to fall asleep but they always know he wakes up and run off.

Obviously no part of me believes him that he's not doing meth. But it's getting worse and worse. About once a week now he makes big public facebook self-harm threats if no one will help him. He thinks everyone is against him, especially his family. He makes threats to his mom all the time because she told him she won't give him any more money. He told her he is going to burn down her house with her in it for Christmas. He hits me up for money about once a week, appealing to our friendship and then being really abusive when I tell him no. I spent a lot of time formulating good things to say about how I love him and am worried and that I believe he believes what he's telling me but he's experiencing delusions, and he didn't even hear me at all and just went off on me and started telling me that I'm the last person in the world who he thought was on his side and now he's completely alone and no one cares about him. I have been in contact with his parents and they're beside themselves. They've been in contact with local police and social workers and such for months and months but where he lives has a HUGE meth problem and they're overwhelmed. They basically don't seem like they care. For example one time a few weeks ago he was texting us all saying he had a gun and was going to end it, his parents found out where he was, walking around the streets with a gun, and 3 people including me called the cops (at this point we hope he gets arrested so he will be forced to detox because he absolutely refuses treatment and insists up down left and right that he doesn't do meth anymore). The cops acted like, you guys again? Jesus christ, fine, we'll do it when we can get to it. Nothing ever came of it. His parents live a good 700 miles away from him as well so they're kinda stuck too.

Anyway, yesterday it reached a head, he was making public facebook posts about shooting up a school if no one would help him (he wants money, that's the only help he can conceive of) - probably because it was the anniversary of the Sandy Hook shooting. He was trying to get me to "help" him and using the threat of that as "leverage". We called the cops again but they seemed uninterested (which blows my mind). I just keep wondering if one day he's gonna do one of these things he threatens (killing himself, killing his brother - who actually does live in the same town - or going on a murder-suicide shooting rampage). He has developed this massive conspiracy against him, he's ruined his brother's reputation in town because he thinks one night he saw his brother beat some girl to within an inch of her life and leave her all bloody on the ground, among other things, and this somehow had something to do with this massive identity theft conspiracy (he also believes he stole $4 million from his brother, while at the same time saying he's broke and needs money). He's terrorizing all of us... I'm afraid to go on Facebook because stupid fucking facebook tells poeple when you've seen their messages and if I see his messages and don't reply he freaks out at me, and if I do reply it goes terribly and traumatizes me further. Not that I use facebook much anyway. But god is it stressful. I don't know when to engage and when to not engage.

People keep telling me I should just forget about him, but he's literally like my brother, we've been best friends since before my actual brother was born. His parents are like second parents to me and vice versa. We've been through everything together until we were past college. I can't turn my back on him, but I can't help him either. It really hurts that he's being so manipulative and hurtful to me although I know it's the meth talking. Until recently he's always been such a nice and giving person. It confuses and scares me that he's lost the plot so badly, I've never seen anyone as crazy as he is right now. He's never had a history of psychosis at all, so it's very clearly meth (he's 35, it wouldn't be schizophrenia plus I know he was doing meth recently). His parents went to visit him to try to convince him to get treatment a few weeks ago (in his location you can't forcibly get someone into treatment or the psych ward even if they're threatening suicide, his parents have tried everything), and he had used every light bulb in the house for meth, and while they were there he was holding a butcher knife to protect himself from "them" who were going to kill him he believed, and he started pulling up his carpet and floorboards to try to find the tunnels under his place, and he even threatened his mom with the knife at one point and his parents had to lock themselves in a room for the night.

Fucking meth, man... my friend has gone from one drug problem to the next in late teens and adulthood. First it was coke, that was bad, then alcohol, that was bad too, I worried about him a lot. Then heroin for years, worried about him all the time. But meth has been, BY FAR, the most fucked up thing he's gotten involved in. I don't even recognize this person. It's so fucked up. I basically think about it all the time and it tears me up. :( He has really big self-esteem problems he has never really addressed. If he can sober up long enough to regain sanity (and at this point that's a big if :|), he has such a long road to recovery. I don't know if he can do it. But god I hope so...
 
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Tubbs

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I'm sorry to hear that xorkoth. I've experienced meth psychosis from both sides, it truly is a horrible thing, it takes good people and twists them into unrecognizable monsters. I truly feel for you man, and hope that your friend finds his way back from this dark path he's walking. Feel free to pm me if you wanna talk about anything man, I know more about it than a lot of people.
 

Xorkoth

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Thanks man, I appreciate that. I'm going to visit family in a few days for Christmas, and I think I'm gonna go see his parents. I don't think he'll be there, they told me they're not trying to get him to come because they're scared of him right now, the last time I talked to them. And he doesn't want to either. I honestly don't think he can, I believe he's destitute and is far away. Every other year of my life it's been like, hell yeah I get to see my friend, it's Christmas! Not this year though. It's okay actually, last year when I saw him it was stressful because I knew what was wrong but no one else did, but they knew something was wrong, and I felt like I was stuck in the middle, and my dad (who has ALS and likely won't make it another year) got really stressed seeing him how he was and then subsequently worrying that his son (me) would be drawn into that sort of place (I scared my dad really bad in the past with my opiate addiction and I think he worries about me a lot to this day). It'll be nice to not have to deal with that. But I'll be thinking about it, for sure...
 

Tubbs

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That's definitely a rough situation. It's horrible watching a good friend go through that, and only be able to hope that your friend comes back out. I'm also very sorry to hear about your father, my dad's actually dying of huntingtons, was never close with him but it's still rough
 

Erikmen

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I'm sorry to hear that as well. From Coke to heroin and now meth, it seems to me he is not willing to quit. If he doesn't want to help himself it could be because he's totally lost and it's bad not to be able to help, except for the money he needs to buy more and more.

I understand he is like your brother, but this person that calls you for money and makes threats is not the person you know anymore. Sometimes we have to let go in order to maintain our mental health. I know people have told you to forget about him, I think they might be telling you that - at this point - there's nothing you can do. And self preservation for most of us is really important.

I hope things get better for him, but also for you. You can't help him if he doesn't accept his problems. Eventually he could get worse mentally, and be careful not to let this take you down. I have myself distanced from great people who were part of my life, the reasons were different but unfortunately sometimes we need to do that mostly to protect ourselves.

Hope for the best!
 

nuttynutskin

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My dad has the innate ability to turn even something positive negative. Anyone else know anyone like that?
 

Tubbs

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Me lol only when my bipolar gets bad though, I could win the lotto and still be cynical, don't even realize Im doing it until someone gets pissed.
 

herbavore

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My dad has the innate ability to turn even something positive negative. Anyone else know anyone like that?
Frequently my husband LOL. The good thing is he usually comes around. I used to engage in it--after 32 years of marriage I just let him come around on his own because otherwise it makes it worse. When someone is seeing everything negatively and someone else comes along trying to point out the positive it just makes them dig in their heels and double down on the negative view. Better to just acknowledge that sometimes it looks bleak and your sorry for their pain. And then count your blessings that you don't have to see it that way yourself.
 

cduggles

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my dad's actually dying of huntingtons, was never close with him but it's still rough
So sorry to hear, bptubbs. That's a really difficult situation in many ways. Huntington's disease is so devastating. So is having a distant parent whose condition is declining.

I learned about and met a lot of people with Huntington's disease because one of my mentors discovered how the genetic mutation causes cellular-level changes that lead to severe clinical symptoms and why they show up later in life (30s and 40s).
(I'm not trying to brag or anything, it wasn't my discovery!)
And I'm not trying to make about science, Just to say that I understand to some extent that it's absolutely a tough road.

And I'm so sorry you're going through this-- it's very difficult to cope when relationships are solid, and if you're not close it's even harder because everyone isn't supporting each other.

I hope you do have someone close to you who understands and tons of support.

Very best, CD :)
 

Tubbs

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Thanks CD, this is why I love this community. I don't have the support I wish I did, I've never been close to my family, but I'm pretty decent at dealing with these things. More scary having neurological diseases on both sides, my grandfather on my mother's side died of Parkinsons and now my mom's showing signs. And my dad's huntingtons.
 
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