• TDS Moderators: deficiT | D's |n3ophy7e
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

papercuts

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
195
I’m trying not to go down the rabbit hole of private messaging. I don’t do any social media. BL is my only exception and part of my goal here is to make something public that the next person can follow.
——————-
When I decided to quit I told only my wife. It was never about “coming clean”. It was only that I knew I needed her help so I had to tell her the truth. I didn’t say a word to anyone else.

I got so deep into my situation that I didn’t even know the truth. Was I not able to sleep because the mattress hurts my back or because my pills wore off in the middle of the night and I don’t have more? It’s less about becoming a great liar, and more about misunderstanding how extensively the drugs had permeated every aspect of life. I was telling lies for sure but the line between becomes very blurry when my injury causes the same symptoms as my wd’s. That’s one of the things I HAD to cut myself a break on; the guilt from lying.
One of the biggest reasons I kept going back to the pills was that I had a plan to get back on track. I would be down to a few crumbs during the last 5 or 10 days of the month. I would be struggling to hide my wd’s, and lying to cover up what I couldn’t hide (‘It’s the weather making me so sweaty’). I was so exhausted by prescription day that I would do the same b.s. every month:
I would promise myself that this month would be different. I know that what I have done in the past was a mistake so I have a new plan. BUT I need to get back to not feeling like shit, then I’ll taper down and get back in track and nobody has to know just how badly I have screwed this up. SO..... I’ll treat myself today (means I’ll take 3x my prescription) just so I can get some good sleep. Junkie math 101.
The next morning I would be back to feeling way too crappy, so I would take 2x my script, to feel normal. But one more pill right then would turn ‘normal’ into ‘great’, so I would be stupid to waste this opportunity. “2 pills will stop my wd’s, but a third will make me feel totally perfect. Isn’t it a waste of the first two pills if I don’t take the third? And I’ll only do it this one time. After this I’ll take the tapering seriously “
It was a wicked game in my head every day for a couple of years. I still don’t know for sure which parts of life at that time were lies because I knew what I was saying sometimes was at least partially untrue. I had pain from surgery, and pain from wd’s, and the pains were often in the same places for both. It’s really easy to get the lines blurred.

I think of the biggest and most misunderstood components of addiction is guilt. That sad moment in the movie when the family learns that Johnny has been stealing grandma’s grocery money to buy drugs. Dad turns to Johnny and says he’s not angry, just disappointed. A single tear runs down Mom’s cheek as she tells Johnny to leave. And 10 minutes later Johnny is turning tricks to get dope money.
I think we all fear that if we tell the truth WHILE we’re in the middle of it then we’ll be in the same spot as Johnny. I always figured I would tell my wife the truth, but only long after I had it under control. “Those last 3 surgeries were a bitch.... and do you remember how long it took me to get off the pills?” I think I feared that the enormity of what was going on would be enough to make her stop loving me, so I was trying to at least get a little bit better before I asked for help. I only got worse and the guilt kept me from asking for help for a couple of years.

My advice to anyone: If you could do this on your own, you wouldn’t have this problem. Pick someone you can trust and ask for help.
That's cool.
I have to say I'm not with you on the guilt. I feel fairly guilt free about the whole thing and my excuses and choices are nowhere near as innocent as yours!
Maybe I'm just kidding myself and I'll feel it at some stage.
I don't believe I've done harm, so no guilt. I live in a country where my people don't get to decide shit, those who get to decide can go by whatever laws they like, not my business.
 

papercuts

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
195
I have guilt about forgetting to do my chores in 1985. Lying to my wife was killing me. To unload that baggage was pretty big for me.
You sound like a great guy, I'm sure your family aren't disappointed at your behaviour, you wanting to keep going and not be sick. You're being hard on yourself imo, I mean we are talking about opiates and you were only taking what the doctor gave you then suffering it out until you could get another legal supply the next month. I can't imagine any lies you were telling were that bad?
 
Last edited:

Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
Thank you all for recent posts...
Coming down to the end of the month running low....
I know I want so much to be free from the addiction...
The spinal and joint pain keep me justified to reload each month...
Thus Ground hog day all over..

Yes when my daughter moved out it was easier to not care as much as being clean and sober all those years...
And to pat myself on the back for a job well done...
Been getting epidurals for 12 years
With hc and tramadol..

Day at a time....
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
Thank you all for recent posts...
Coming down to the end of the month running low....
I know I want so much to be free from the addiction...
The spinal and joint pain keep me justified to reload each month...
Thus Ground hog day all over..

Yes when my daughter moved out it was easier to not care as much as being clean and sober all those years...
And to pat myself on the back for a job well done...
Been getting epidurals for 12 years
With hc and tramadol..

Day at a time....
Dam that sucks.
Part of my drive to quit came from this: Even if I have less pain when I’m on the pills, is my life less difficult because of the pills?

I got so burned out on the stress of staring at the clock or counting how many I have left and how many days until refill day. Deciding I won’t be able to go somewhere next week because I’ll be out of pills for sure. Digging through my drawer hoping to find one I might have dropped.ETC.

I decided that it’s probably a less painful life on the pills, but it’s not a better life. Turns out it’s not even a less painful life because the wd’s were causing a lot of pains.

I’m not preaching here. It took me about 2 years after that moment to finally quit. But I think it might be the reason I don’t do back.

If you consider everything, would your life be more or less of a life if you had no meds? Pokemama started this thread a few years ago. About a year into it she had completely stopped taking her hydromorphine and she described a drive up the coast. The freedom that she talked about...... I wanted it so badly. I’m not there just yet but I’m getting closer and I can say that I definitely made the right decision. My back hurts, a lot, but my life sucks a lot less.
 

Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
Dam that sucks.
Part of my drive to quit came from this: Even if I have less pain when I’m on the pills, is my life less difficult because of the pills?

I got so burned out on the stress of staring at the clock or counting how many I have left and how many days until refill day. Deciding I won’t be able to go somewhere next week because I’ll be out of pills for sure. Digging through my drawer hoping to find one I might have dropped.ETC.

I decided that it’s probably a less painful life on the pills, but it’s not a better life. Turns out it’s not even a less painful life because the wd’s were causing a lot of pains.

I’m not preaching here. It took me about 2 years after that moment to finally quit. But I think it might be the reason I don’t do back.

If you consider everything, would your life be more or less of a life if you had no meds? Pokemama started this thread a few years ago. About a year into it she had completely stopped taking her hydromorphine and she described a drive up the coast. The freedom that she talked about...... I wanted it so badly. I’m not there just yet but I’m getting closer and I can say that I definitely made the right decision. My back hurts, a lot, but my life sucks a lot less.
Excellent words....
Yes, i got all that in my head...
And pray i can get to my heart and action.
It's amazing we all think alike..
The traveling without wondering if I have enough ..
The story of driving up the coast and total freedom, sounds amazing and something I would aspire to
//
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
Got my script filled again. I really wanted to be in charge of it this month. Sort of a test on myself to see if I can get through the month without thinking about it. Wife snatched them up before I had a chance to ask, probably a good thing. I’m thinking this will be my last refill. (Probably not though. I’ll probably decide to get it filled again next month)

I barely think about my pills anymore. Stuff hurts and I still want some relief but I’m not craving the peace and quiet that I used to look forward to. Refill day got here and I was surprised. I felt like it had only been a few days since the last time. Honestly, if I wasn’t coming to BL occasionally, I’d be pretty close to forgetting my pills completely.
I’m no saint. I go through plenty of Kratom and weed every day. But there’s something very different about going to the “store” and stocking up on “supplies” vs getting my script filled. The 3 or 4 days before refill day, and the whole day of my dr appt, were so controlled by my little bottle of blue pills. All of the little tricks I had collected to ensure that I would be on time and NOT in withdrawal for the two hours it took to see the Dr and get through the pharmacy. The whole time suffering inside while trying to pretend I was fine. I had convinced myself that it was just my situation and I was doing a pretty good job of managing it.

I would love to go back to having my pills to use at my discretion. A little pain relief would be pretty awesome right now. It’s a package deal for me still, maybe forever, and I know I can’t have the cigarette without the cancer. Meanwhile..... it’s pretty awesome to realize I’m not thinking about it anymore.
 

Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
Yes...we are not saints...
Coming to end of month.. tapering down..again

I can run all that stuff through my head but I know next week I'll call in for a refill...
Groundhog Day v42...
 

Iceman1216

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2019
Messages
887
Location
North East - Long Island
@Squeaky , Thanks brother!! You have "Perfectly laid out" my situation, and an Honest path forward. I am not sure what my pain level is now? I have radiation damage from Cancer treatments to my Head & Neck 12 years ago. I have taken my Pain med use in the opposite direction. Dilaudum, Oxy, and now to Norco 10/325. I can taper down to 5-10 mgs a day, 1-2 grams of Kratom, and 300-600mgs of gabipentin, with an edible at bedtime. Wow that is alot of medicine?? But It does allow me to be stable, its been a longtime since I have been "High' I do not drink (12 years) .

I would love to see if I was off everything ( I take 20mgs of Escitalopram as well) would I return to my Pre cancer self?? I am also 60 so a lifetime of hard caliphs work is starting to rear its Ugly head along with Cancer treatments??

You are the best brother and help me and Many other people here
Thank you
Iceman
 

Iceman1216

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2019
Messages
887
Location
North East - Long Island
Yes...we are not saints...
Coming to end of month.. tapering down..again

I can run all that stuff through my head but I know next week I'll call in for a refill...
Groundhog Day v42...
Thanks, Welcome to my life as well?
"Getting Older is Not for Sissies!!"

I live in a constant state of taper and withdrawals"
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
@Squeaky , Thanks brother!! You have "Perfectly laid out" my situation, and an Honest path forward. I am not sure what my pain level is now? I have radiation damage from Cancer treatments to my Head & Neck 12 years ago. I have taken my Pain med use in the opposite direction. Dilaudum, Oxy, and now to Norco 10/325. I can taper down to 5-10 mgs a day, 1-2 grams of Kratom, and 300-600mgs of gabipentin, with an edible at bedtime. Wow that is alot of medicine?? But It does allow me to be stable, its been a longtime since I have been "High' I do not drink (12 years) .

I would love to see if I was off everything ( I take 20mgs of Escitalopram as well) would I return to my Pre cancer self?? I am also 60 so a lifetime of hard caliphs work is starting to rear its Ugly head along with Cancer treatments??

You are the best brother and help me and Many other people here
Thank you
Iceman
I was in so much pain. Various places in my whole body. The mindfuck was that everything that hurt was basically everything that got damaged during surgery. And since I have nerve damage in my back, I expected to have pain basically everywhere and that’s what was happening. The Dr’s say wd’s last a few days, so I went cold turkey for a week or three at a time(every month) and I figured after 3 weeks anything that still hurts is legit pain.
I was misinformed. It took me 6 years to get here. It was going to take more than “a few days” to get back. And now that I’m getting closer to being free it’s clear that my wd’s went deep and long.

It’s totally f’ed up but the only way to find out what your true pain level is without pills (for people like us anyway)...... might be that it takes several weeks to get past the opiate wd’s. Just enough time to get another prescription and start Groundhog Day all over every month.
 

Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
I was in so much pain. Various places in my whole body. The mindfuck was that everything that hurt was basically everything that got damaged during surgery. And since I have nerve damage in my back, I expected to have pain basically everywhere and that’s what was happening. The Dr’s say wd’s last a few days, so I went cold turkey for a week or three at a time(every month) and I figured after 3 weeks anything that still hurts is legit pain.
I was misinformed. It took me 6 years to get here. It was going to take more than “a few days” to get back. And now that I’m getting closer to being free it’s clear that my wd’s went deep and long.

It’s totally f’ed up but the only way to find out what your true pain level is without pills (for people like us anyway)...... might be that it takes several weeks to get past the opiate wd’s. Just enough time to get another prescription and start Groundhog Day all over every month.
Yes..
The pain center interpretation is all fked up with long term meds...
Down regulation of receptors, neurotransmitter dysfunction, and just generalized mental inaccurate information.

I've had a bad hyperalgia for a number of years now...
I have no idea how long it would take for this to come back to normal or even if it would...
And I know the body is an amazing engineering miracle, so anything is possible...

The idea that I can get two or three hours of feeling better from the meds has dominated my life now for a lot of years...
But there is a big price to pay as we all know...
Someone mentioned traveling and having to worry about do I have enough.. watching the calendar counting the days..
Mental obsession...

Yep, Groundhog Days...

If it was easy everybody would do it..
Peace and love...
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
Remember sleep? I remember going to sleep and sleeping until the alarm went off. 10 hours straight through on the weekend. Maybe get up once to pee. And complaining all day if the neighbor’s dog woke me up once in a month.

One of my problems that interrupted my tapering plans every month was fear of not sleeping. My wd’s would always make it really difficult to sleep at all (on top of all of the other stress of life) and I would get right up to bedtime and break into a cold sweat wondering if I had enough drugs in me to at least sleep a little. Then I would always figure it was worth taking more, just once, since I just got my refill and I hadn’t slept good in forever.
I think the medical community underestimates how profoundly life can be turned upside down from something like insomnia. Even a little bit of staring at the ceiling at night can make you desperate. It’s probably why the combo of opiates and benzos is so popular. Best sleep I have had in years was oxycodone and lorazepam.

Long story short..... it’s been about 75 days since my last oxy and I’m finally feeling like I’m almost getting enough sleep. No benzos, only weed and Kratom. I barely ever drink alcohol and I haven’t tried any OTC sleep aids. I still get up 4 or 5 times to go to the bathroom. BUT..... I have finally lost the fear of not sleeping. It’s one step closer to releasing my dependence on those pills.
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
Yes..
The pain center interpretation is all fked up with long term meds...
Down regulation of receptors, neurotransmitter dysfunction, and just generalized mental inaccurate information.

I've had a bad hyperalgia for a number of years now...
I have no idea how long it would take for this to come back to normal or even if it would...
And I know the body is an amazing engineering miracle, so anything is possible...

The idea that I can get two or three hours of feeling better from the meds has dominated my life now for a lot of years...
But there is a big price to pay as we all know...
Someone mentioned traveling and having to worry about do I have enough.. watching the calendar counting the days..
Mental obsession...

Yep, Groundhog Days...

If it was easy everybody would do it..
Peace and love...
I had read a bit about ‘Opioid Induced Hyperalgesia’ a few years ago. I figured it was a real thing but it didn’t really apply to me since I had a substantial injury. All of the information I found pointed towards OIH causing specific pains, like arthritis in the knees or a phantom rotator cuff pain in the shoulder.
Nothing I read suggested it could explain what was happening to me. A couple of doctors said the wd’s last a few days, so any pain that lasts past a week must be real. It was all wrong. I have less pain for 95% of the day than what I had before when I had pills to take for pain. I still have pain that I really want my pills to remedy but the general ’suck’ that I lived with for years is gone.

I hope you get past your Groundhog Day Dundermifflin. Everyone’s situation is unique but it sounds like you and I are in a similar situation. All I can say is that it sucked but it was worth it. It just takes f’ing forever.
 

Iceman1216

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2019
Messages
887
Location
North East - Long Island
@Squeaky , Thanks!! I have not been able to really get past the Pain of work related issues that, I need to address?!? My body can not handle the beating that I have put it through for 40 years now?? As well as cancer treatments!1
I am very grateful for the ability to be here and spending quality time with my family, but the side effects are real and do Suck a little. I know "Cost of Admission"
You have been a great resource , Now Do I have the fortitude to Stop??
Having a Prescription makes it all the Harder for me
Insurance is my drug dealer!!
I always wonder how non - Addicts deal with Pain Meds??
Do they just take them for the rest of their lives and no Mental anguish ???
 

papercuts

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
195
I don't know if I did the right thing or not. I feel like I've wasted a lot of that withdrawal just to phone the pharmacist today and they agreed to double the dose on my buprenorphine patch. I mean I was managing with barely any extra opiates for close to three weeks. My guts sort of calmed down, very painful but I can keep food in me now.
I could just feel myself start sliding and that would be more of a waste. I want to travel, legal meds can give me that.
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
We’re all going through the same bullshit and it’s killing us.
If last year they had given me a year’s worth of pills all at once and then told me I couldn’t get a refill for a year.... It would have felt like Christmas. But here’s exactly how I would have handled it:

First, I would have had the biggest f’ing smile walking out of the pharmacy (you all know you’d do the same thing). I was already hooked so I go home and make a plan where I don’t run out. Maybe break it into weekly doses to carry in my pocket (just in case I need extra, but not enough to really screw myself). I hatch some kind of junkie-plan where I use less all week so I can get ‘extra’ relief on the weekend, but I never stick to that plan. In fact, Monday morning I suddenly have way too much pain or stress for even my prescribed dose..... But it’s OK to take extra since I have over 1000 pills right? No way I could use that much.
Then the same crap happens all week. Instead of needing 3 pills per day to feel normal, I have jacked my tolerance up to where I need 10 pills per day just to be comfortable. So now it’s only been a week and I have burned through 3 weeks of pills. Now I have to taper down, but I can’t because I’ll be in withdrawl and I have “responsibilities” (work, kids, house, etc). But it’s OK because I still have more pills than I’m ever going to need. I’ll just cut myself off when life gets easier next week. “I have made it through a could of weeks of withdrawls many times. I’ll live. I’ll just stop taking them for two weeks and get back on track.” Then I hatch some b.s. idea that this is actually better. One week of as much as I ‘need’ and two weeks of abstinence to reset my tolerance.
And then I don’t do it on Monday because I’m now using way too much and just quitting hurts, a lot. I tell myself it’s real pain, something I have zero control over. Not my fault and not anything my Dr can fix, just pain from my injury. It must be flaring up. It will be better to start this tomorrow. “Maybe I screwed up by using too much last week but it’s OK.... I have plenty”. Then Tuesday comes and there’s another very good reason to not quit. Then Wednesday, then Thursday..... etc.

At some point about a month into this I realize my mental inventory of how many pills I have used and how many are left needs to be verified. I discover that I’m really screwed. Its only been a short time into this script and I have used more than half. If I cut back to one pill per day for the next 11 months I’ll be fine. I have enough for a quick taper back to one pill per day. I’m tough. I’ll start working on that ASAP (that’s French for tomorrow). If the rest of the year is going to suck then I deserve one more good day. My week is pretty open this time so I can afford to call out sick from work and tell my wife I am just in pain. I’ll start tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the busiest day of the year. I have a huge list of things to do that got rescheduled ‘till tomorrow. I’m going to call the dentist, file my taxes, and start putting a new roof on my house: all tomorrow. Tomorrow I wake up and say ‘later’. After breakfast becomes after lunch, which becomes after dinner, etc. Then, magically, it becomes ‘tomorrow’ again.

This goes on until I’m almost out of pills. I have been living on 300mg per day of oxycodone for several weeks. I count my pills almost every day now. I go back and forth from being angry at myself, my doctor, the world, but I never really slow down my use. Near the end I just decide that it’s pointless to taper and still suffer, so I’m going to just enjoy the rest of my pills. I’ll suffer either way in a little while, might as well enjoy today. So that’s what I do.

I get down to the last 10 pills or so. I tell myself it’s only a day’s worth of pills anyway. I’ll taper right now. Use 5 today, 3 tomorrow, then 1, and maybe save one for the future. Any taper has to be better than cold turkey right? And then I use them all in one day, feeling guilty the whole time so I don’t get to enjoy them at all.

Next is the part we’re all very well acquainted with. A week or two if some pretty nasty withdrawals. Then PAWS. Depression, insomnia, and pain. Lots of pain. The assumption is that it will all be OK in a month, but that’s wrong.

We think that once the physical withdrawals are gone we will be able to handle it better. We’re told that the worst is done in 7-10 days. We assume that a month will pass and life won’t suck anymore. It is all so very wrong.

If I drink coffee every day in the morning to wake up and I quit, I’ll be really tired every day. If I take medicine for nausea every day for a year, when I quit I’ll be nauseous for a while. Opiates do a lot more than shut off your pain receptors in your brain. Think about the first time.... everything was beautiful once it soaked in. From the top of your head to your little toe: no pain, no stress, none of any part of life was difficult at all. I took the pills for my back pain but my shoulder stopped hurting too. I became relaxed, patient, happy, etc. I slept great, enjoyed food more, became constipated, and a whole lot more things that I told myself didn’t count because that’s not what I used the pills for. And somehow I convinced myself that my wd’s would not include all of those extra things because I was only told that my prescription was for pain. I was told that junkies use them to get ‘high’. And I was led to believe that wd’s only last for a week or two. It was all so totally wrong.....

So back to my year-long prescription.... (only the addicts get excited to think about a bottle of pills that size). Let’s assume I got it filled on Jan 1st. I ran out in the beginning of March. Now I’m out and there’s no hope of getting more.:
March is going to suck. Everyone knows I’ll have nausea, insomnia, diarrhea, and depression. The first week will be all about the bathroom, puking and pooping boulders. Week two is mostly depression. All the while going insane from not sleeping. But I keep telling myself that it’s not for long, that it feels worse than it is, and here’s the kicker..... IF I go through this then I will ALSO be resetting my tolerance so I can get more from my prescription.

It’s all bullshit. Yes the first two weeks sucked, but it’s not over for months. My energy level, my concentration, my sleeping patterns.... They’re destroyed until at least May. Every time I feel like I crossed a major milestone I get excited thinking it’s almost over, and then I get 10 times more depressed when it’s clear it’s not over yet. Every day for months I question whether my psychological symptoms could be from the wd’s. I have pain that I know would be fixed with pills. I am convinced by the end of the first month of wd’s that the pain will never get better. I start planning crazy scenarios where I get more pills. Never seeing that even 2 months into this mess I am still in withdrawal. Everything is being driven by the wd’s but I can’t see it because my whole life I have been told it can’t last that long.

6 months later, now in September, I can see the truth. My general pain is 90% lower than back in February. I still have very painful flare ups but it’s really only my back that ever hurts. My mind is clear and I’m sleeping better. I still think about the good times but I’m not glorifying them any more. Pain hits and I want pills, but I know it’s temporary pain and the pills would be forever. I’m smart enough to stay away, but I still desire the relief. I still tell myself its only for back pain but I realize I’m only lying to myself, so I keep my mouth shut and let it pass. I hate it, a lot. But I know it’s how it has to be.

January 1st. I can get it filled and do it all over. I believed ghat after all of this time I could at least have a beautifully low tolerance, but experience has taught me that is wrong. After 10 months of sobriety I am still not done. However I have seen just how deep into my life the pills have penetrated. I want to be smarter but I’m smart enough to know I’m stupid. I cancel my appointment and don’t refill anything. But I’ll spend the next year retraining my brain to not think of pills every time I get a hangnail. If I hadn’t cut myself off accidentally in March, and then on purpose the following January, I would still be on the roller coaster and clueless about exactly how far into my life the pills had penetrated. It’s clear now that I’m not just an addict, but not only a pain patient anymore either.

The bitch of it is that it doesn’t take days or weeks to see what has happened. It takes months to years. Good rehab programs are 90 days for a reason. I thought after three weeks without pills I would know what bad the pills were bringing to my life but I was so wrong.
AA is a long long life sentence of staying on top of your sobriety and you see people fail all of the time. If you’re still reading this then listen to someone sho has done it wrong a dozen different ways. It doesn’t matter what you’re feeling like right now. You made a decision that it’s not a life and the pills are making life worse, not better. It has been days, weeks maybe, since you quit. You quit for a reason. STAY THE COURSE. If you will be tempted then cut yourself off. You wouldn’t be reading this still if I wasn’t right. You’re trying to accomplish more in weeks than I was able to do in months.

The prescription refill situation for all of us is a motherfucker. Years of opiate or benzo use cannot be undone in a couple of weeks. Even when I did quit, cold turkey for a month, I didn’t feel as stable as I do now after 3 months. And I’m starting to see that I might feel a lot better in a year.

When I was at my lowest, in pain, in withdrawal, I told myself it wasn’t worth it. Then I get my refill and I tell myself it wasn’t that bad. I’m getting close to 3 months since I quit and I am still telling myself that it wasn’t so bad. I know I’m lying to myself and yet I’m telling myself the same lie, and I am still believing it even though I know it’s not true.
 
Last edited:

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
@Squeaky , Thanks!! I have not been able to really get past the Pain of work related issues that, I need to address?!? My body can not handle the beating that I have put it through for 40 years now?? As well as cancer treatments!1
I am very grateful for the ability to be here and spending quality time with my family, but the side effects are real and do Suck a little. I know "Cost of Admission"
You have been a great resource , Now Do I have the fortitude to Stop??
Having a Prescription makes it all the Harder for me
Insurance is my drug dealer!!
I always wonder how non - Addicts deal with Pain Meds??
Do they just take them for the rest of their lives and no Mental anguish ???
Don’t give up yet. Just wait one more day. Get angry, get sad, get help, just don’t let yourself be convinced that life on pills is better than life with pain. You already made that decision and you’re not an idiot.
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,390
Location
USA
I don't know if I did the right thing or not. I feel like I've wasted a lot of that withdrawal just to phone the pharmacist today and they agreed to double the dose on my buprenorphine patch. I mean I was managing with barely any extra opiates for close to three weeks. My guts sort of calmed down, very painful but I can keep food in me now.
I could just feel myself start sliding and that would be more of a waste. I want to travel, legal meds can give me that.
My advice...... the closer I got to being off the pills, the more I suffered. My feeling is that my brain/body got more desperate as I got closer to zero. It gets worse before it gets better and since you’re on a very long acting opiate, your PAWS will be prolonged. You have to decide if you’re willing to be chained to the whole process (pills, appointments, pharmacies, wd’s, lies, money, etc, etc), or if you are going to get free. If you ever going to be free you have to make a decision and stick with it or you’re going to be stuck here forever.
 
Top