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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
84
I’m trying not to go down the rabbit hole of private messaging. I don’t do any social media. BL is my only exception and part of my goal here is to make something public that the next person can follow.
——————-
When I decided to quit I told only my wife. It was never about “coming clean”. It was only that I knew I needed her help so I had to tell her the truth. I didn’t say a word to anyone else.

I got so deep into my situation that I didn’t even know the truth. Was I not able to sleep because the mattress hurts my back or because my pills wore off in the middle of the night and I don’t have more? It’s less about becoming a great liar, and more about misunderstanding how extensively the drugs had permeated every aspect of life. I was telling lies for sure but the line between becomes very blurry when my injury causes the same symptoms as my wd’s. That’s one of the things I HAD to cut myself a break on; the guilt from lying.
One of the biggest reasons I kept going back to the pills was that I had a plan to get back on track. I would be down to a few crumbs during the last 5 or 10 days of the month. I would be struggling to hide my wd’s, and lying to cover up what I couldn’t hide (‘It’s the weather making me so sweaty’). I was so exhausted by prescription day that I would do the same b.s. every month:
I would promise myself that this month would be different. I know that what I have done in the past was a mistake so I have a new plan. BUT I need to get back to not feeling like shit, then I’ll taper down and get back in track and nobody has to know just how badly I have screwed this up. SO..... I’ll treat myself today (means I’ll take 3x my prescription) just so I can get some good sleep. Junkie math 101.
The next morning I would be back to feeling way too crappy, so I would take 2x my script, to feel normal. But one more pill right then would turn ‘normal’ into ‘great’, so I would be stupid to waste this opportunity. “2 pills will stop my wd’s, but a third will make me feel totally perfect. Isn’t it a waste of the first two pills if I don’t take the third? And I’ll only do it this one time. After this I’ll take the tapering seriously “
It was a wicked game in my head every day for a couple of years. I still don’t know for sure which parts of life at that time were lies because I knew what I was saying sometimes was at least partially untrue. I had pain from surgery, and pain from wd’s, and the pains were often in the same places for both. It’s really easy to get the lines blurred.

I think of the biggest and most misunderstood components of addiction is guilt. That sad moment in the movie when the family learns that Johnny has been stealing grandma’s grocery money to buy drugs. Dad turns to Johnny and says he’s not angry, just disappointed. A single tear runs down Mom’s cheek as she tells Johnny to leave. And 10 minutes later Johnny is turning tricks to get dope money.
I think we all fear that if we tell the truth WHILE we’re in the middle of it then we’ll be in the same spot as Johnny. I always figured I would tell my wife the truth, but only long after I had it under control. “Those last 3 surgeries were a bitch.... and do you remember how long it took me to get off the pills?” I think I feared that the enormity of what was going on would be enough to make her stop loving me, so I was trying to at least get a little bit better before I asked for help. I only got worse and the guilt kept me from asking for help for a couple of years.

My advice to anyone: If you could do this on your own, you wouldn’t have this problem. Pick someone you can trust and ask for help.
That's cool.
I have to say I'm not with you on the guilt. I feel fairly guilt free about the whole thing and my excuses and choices are nowhere near as innocent as yours!
Maybe I'm just kidding myself and I'll feel it at some stage.
I don't believe I've done harm, so no guilt. I live in a country where my people don't get to decide shit, those who get to decide can go by whatever laws they like, not my business.
 

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Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
84
I have guilt about forgetting to do my chores in 1985. Lying to my wife was killing me. To unload that baggage was pretty big for me.
You sound like a great guy, I'm sure your family aren't disappointed at your behaviour, you wanting to keep going and not be sick. You're being hard on yourself imo, I mean we are talking about opiates and you were only taking what the doctor gave you then suffering it out until you could get another legal supply the next month. I can't imagine any lies you were telling were that bad?
 
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Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
63
Thank you all for recent posts...
Coming down to the end of the month running low....
I know I want so much to be free from the addiction...
The spinal and joint pain keep me justified to reload each month...
Thus Ground hog day all over..

Yes when my daughter moved out it was easier to not care as much as being clean and sober all those years...
And to pat myself on the back for a job well done...
Been getting epidurals for 12 years
With hc and tramadol..

Day at a time....
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,285
Location
USA
Thank you all for recent posts...
Coming down to the end of the month running low....
I know I want so much to be free from the addiction...
The spinal and joint pain keep me justified to reload each month...
Thus Ground hog day all over..

Yes when my daughter moved out it was easier to not care as much as being clean and sober all those years...
And to pat myself on the back for a job well done...
Been getting epidurals for 12 years
With hc and tramadol..

Day at a time....
Dam that sucks.
Part of my drive to quit came from this: Even if I have less pain when I’m on the pills, is my life less difficult because of the pills?

I got so burned out on the stress of staring at the clock or counting how many I have left and how many days until refill day. Deciding I won’t be able to go somewhere next week because I’ll be out of pills for sure. Digging through my drawer hoping to find one I might have dropped.ETC.

I decided that it’s probably a less painful life on the pills, but it’s not a better life. Turns out it’s not even a less painful life because the wd’s were causing a lot of pains.

I’m not preaching here. It took me about 2 years after that moment to finally quit. But I think it might be the reason I don’t do back.

If you consider everything, would your life be more or less of a life if you had no meds? Pokemama started this thread a few years ago. About a year into it she had completely stopped taking her hydromorphine and she described a drive up the coast. The freedom that she talked about...... I wanted it so badly. I’m not there just yet but I’m getting closer and I can say that I definitely made the right decision. My back hurts, a lot, but my life sucks a lot less.
 

Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
63
Dam that sucks.
Part of my drive to quit came from this: Even if I have less pain when I’m on the pills, is my life less difficult because of the pills?

I got so burned out on the stress of staring at the clock or counting how many I have left and how many days until refill day. Deciding I won’t be able to go somewhere next week because I’ll be out of pills for sure. Digging through my drawer hoping to find one I might have dropped.ETC.

I decided that it’s probably a less painful life on the pills, but it’s not a better life. Turns out it’s not even a less painful life because the wd’s were causing a lot of pains.

I’m not preaching here. It took me about 2 years after that moment to finally quit. But I think it might be the reason I don’t do back.

If you consider everything, would your life be more or less of a life if you had no meds? Pokemama started this thread a few years ago. About a year into it she had completely stopped taking her hydromorphine and she described a drive up the coast. The freedom that she talked about...... I wanted it so badly. I’m not there just yet but I’m getting closer and I can say that I definitely made the right decision. My back hurts, a lot, but my life sucks a lot less.
Excellent words....
Yes, i got all that in my head...
And pray i can get to my heart and action.
It's amazing we all think alike..
The traveling without wondering if I have enough ..
The story of driving up the coast and total freedom, sounds amazing and something I would aspire to
//
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,285
Location
USA
Got my script filled again. I really wanted to be in charge of it this month. Sort of a test on myself to see if I can get through the month without thinking about it. Wife snatched them up before I had a chance to ask, probably a good thing. I’m thinking this will be my last refill. (Probably not though. I’ll probably decide to get it filled again next month)

I barely think about my pills anymore. Stuff hurts and I still want some relief but I’m not craving the peace and quiet that I used to look forward to. Refill day got here and I was surprised. I felt like it had only been a few days since the last time. Honestly, if I wasn’t coming to BL occasionally, I’d be pretty close to forgetting my pills completely.
I’m no saint. I go through plenty of Kratom and weed every day. But there’s something very different about going to the “store” and stocking up on “supplies” vs getting my script filled. The 3 or 4 days before refill day, and the whole day of my dr appt, were so controlled by my little bottle of blue pills. All of the little tricks I had collected to ensure that I would be on time and NOT in withdrawal for the two hours it took to see the Dr and get through the pharmacy. The whole time suffering inside while trying to pretend I was fine. I had convinced myself that it was just my situation and I was doing a pretty good job of managing it.

I would love to go back to having my pills to use at my discretion. A little pain relief would be pretty awesome right now. It’s a package deal for me still, maybe forever, and I know I can’t have the cigarette without the cancer. Meanwhile..... it’s pretty awesome to realize I’m not thinking about it anymore.
 

Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
63
Yes...we are not saints...
Coming to end of month.. tapering down..again

I can run all that stuff through my head but I know next week I'll call in for a refill...
Groundhog Day v42...
 

Iceman1216

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2019
Messages
855
Location
North East - Long Island
@Squeaky , Thanks brother!! You have "Perfectly laid out" my situation, and an Honest path forward. I am not sure what my pain level is now? I have radiation damage from Cancer treatments to my Head & Neck 12 years ago. I have taken my Pain med use in the opposite direction. Dilaudum, Oxy, and now to Norco 10/325. I can taper down to 5-10 mgs a day, 1-2 grams of Kratom, and 300-600mgs of gabipentin, with an edible at bedtime. Wow that is alot of medicine?? But It does allow me to be stable, its been a longtime since I have been "High' I do not drink (12 years) .

I would love to see if I was off everything ( I take 20mgs of Escitalopram as well) would I return to my Pre cancer self?? I am also 60 so a lifetime of hard caliphs work is starting to rear its Ugly head along with Cancer treatments??

You are the best brother and help me and Many other people here
Thank you
Iceman
 

Iceman1216

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2019
Messages
855
Location
North East - Long Island
Yes...we are not saints...
Coming to end of month.. tapering down..again

I can run all that stuff through my head but I know next week I'll call in for a refill...
Groundhog Day v42...
Thanks, Welcome to my life as well?
"Getting Older is Not for Sissies!!"

I live in a constant state of taper and withdrawals"
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,285
Location
USA
@Squeaky , Thanks brother!! You have "Perfectly laid out" my situation, and an Honest path forward. I am not sure what my pain level is now? I have radiation damage from Cancer treatments to my Head & Neck 12 years ago. I have taken my Pain med use in the opposite direction. Dilaudum, Oxy, and now to Norco 10/325. I can taper down to 5-10 mgs a day, 1-2 grams of Kratom, and 300-600mgs of gabipentin, with an edible at bedtime. Wow that is alot of medicine?? But It does allow me to be stable, its been a longtime since I have been "High' I do not drink (12 years) .

I would love to see if I was off everything ( I take 20mgs of Escitalopram as well) would I return to my Pre cancer self?? I am also 60 so a lifetime of hard caliphs work is starting to rear its Ugly head along with Cancer treatments??

You are the best brother and help me and Many other people here
Thank you
Iceman
I was in so much pain. Various places in my whole body. The mindfuck was that everything that hurt was basically everything that got damaged during surgery. And since I have nerve damage in my back, I expected to have pain basically everywhere and that’s what was happening. The Dr’s say wd’s last a few days, so I went cold turkey for a week or three at a time(every month) and I figured after 3 weeks anything that still hurts is legit pain.
I was misinformed. It took me 6 years to get here. It was going to take more than “a few days” to get back. And now that I’m getting closer to being free it’s clear that my wd’s went deep and long.

It’s totally f’ed up but the only way to find out what your true pain level is without pills (for people like us anyway)...... might be that it takes several weeks to get past the opiate wd’s. Just enough time to get another prescription and start Groundhog Day all over every month.
 

Dundermifflin8699

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
63
I was in so much pain. Various places in my whole body. The mindfuck was that everything that hurt was basically everything that got damaged during surgery. And since I have nerve damage in my back, I expected to have pain basically everywhere and that’s what was happening. The Dr’s say wd’s last a few days, so I went cold turkey for a week or three at a time(every month) and I figured after 3 weeks anything that still hurts is legit pain.
I was misinformed. It took me 6 years to get here. It was going to take more than “a few days” to get back. And now that I’m getting closer to being free it’s clear that my wd’s went deep and long.

It’s totally f’ed up but the only way to find out what your true pain level is without pills (for people like us anyway)...... might be that it takes several weeks to get past the opiate wd’s. Just enough time to get another prescription and start Groundhog Day all over every month.
Yes..
The pain center interpretation is all fked up with long term meds...
Down regulation of receptors, neurotransmitter dysfunction, and just generalized mental inaccurate information.

I've had a bad hyperalgia for a number of years now...
I have no idea how long it would take for this to come back to normal or even if it would...
And I know the body is an amazing engineering miracle, so anything is possible...

The idea that I can get two or three hours of feeling better from the meds has dominated my life now for a lot of years...
But there is a big price to pay as we all know...
Someone mentioned traveling and having to worry about do I have enough.. watching the calendar counting the days..
Mental obsession...

Yep, Groundhog Days...

If it was easy everybody would do it..
Peace and love...
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,285
Location
USA
Remember sleep? I remember going to sleep and sleeping until the alarm went off. 10 hours straight through on the weekend. Maybe get up once to pee. And complaining all day if the neighbor’s dog woke me up once in a month.

One of my problems that interrupted my tapering plans every month was fear of not sleeping. My wd’s would always make it really difficult to sleep at all (on top of all of the other stress of life) and I would get right up to bedtime and break into a cold sweat wondering if I had enough drugs in me to at least sleep a little. Then I would always figure it was worth taking more, just once, since I just got my refill and I hadn’t slept good in forever.
I think the medical community underestimates how profoundly life can be turned upside down from something like insomnia. Even a little bit of staring at the ceiling at night can make you desperate. It’s probably why the combo of opiates and benzos is so popular. Best sleep I have had in years was oxycodone and lorazepam.

Long story short..... it’s been about 75 days since my last oxy and I’m finally feeling like I’m almost getting enough sleep. No benzos, only weed and Kratom. I barely ever drink alcohol and I haven’t tried any OTC sleep aids. I still get up 4 or 5 times to go to the bathroom. BUT..... I have finally lost the fear of not sleeping. It’s one step closer to releasing my dependence on those pills.
 

Squeaky

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
1,285
Location
USA
Yes..
The pain center interpretation is all fked up with long term meds...
Down regulation of receptors, neurotransmitter dysfunction, and just generalized mental inaccurate information.

I've had a bad hyperalgia for a number of years now...
I have no idea how long it would take for this to come back to normal or even if it would...
And I know the body is an amazing engineering miracle, so anything is possible...

The idea that I can get two or three hours of feeling better from the meds has dominated my life now for a lot of years...
But there is a big price to pay as we all know...
Someone mentioned traveling and having to worry about do I have enough.. watching the calendar counting the days..
Mental obsession...

Yep, Groundhog Days...

If it was easy everybody would do it..
Peace and love...
I had read a bit about ‘Opioid Induced Hyperalgesia’ a few years ago. I figured it was a real thing but it didn’t really apply to me since I had a substantial injury. All of the information I found pointed towards OIH causing specific pains, like arthritis in the knees or a phantom rotator cuff pain in the shoulder.
Nothing I read suggested it could explain what was happening to me. A couple of doctors said the wd’s last a few days, so any pain that lasts past a week must be real. It was all wrong. I have less pain for 95% of the day than what I had before when I had pills to take for pain. I still have pain that I really want my pills to remedy but the general ’suck’ that I lived with for years is gone.

I hope you get past your Groundhog Day Dundermifflin. Everyone’s situation is unique but it sounds like you and I are in a similar situation. All I can say is that it sucked but it was worth it. It just takes f’ing forever.
 

Iceman1216

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2019
Messages
855
Location
North East - Long Island
@Squeaky , Thanks!! I have not been able to really get past the Pain of work related issues that, I need to address?!? My body can not handle the beating that I have put it through for 40 years now?? As well as cancer treatments!1
I am very grateful for the ability to be here and spending quality time with my family, but the side effects are real and do Suck a little. I know "Cost of Admission"
You have been a great resource , Now Do I have the fortitude to Stop??
Having a Prescription makes it all the Harder for me
Insurance is my drug dealer!!
I always wonder how non - Addicts deal with Pain Meds??
Do they just take them for the rest of their lives and no Mental anguish ???
 
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