- Feb 10, 2021
That's cool.I’m trying not to go down the rabbit hole of private messaging. I don’t do any social media. BL is my only exception and part of my goal here is to make something public that the next person can follow.
When I decided to quit I told only my wife. It was never about “coming clean”. It was only that I knew I needed her help so I had to tell her the truth. I didn’t say a word to anyone else.
I got so deep into my situation that I didn’t even know the truth. Was I not able to sleep because the mattress hurts my back or because my pills wore off in the middle of the night and I don’t have more? It’s less about becoming a great liar, and more about misunderstanding how extensively the drugs had permeated every aspect of life. I was telling lies for sure but the line between becomes very blurry when my injury causes the same symptoms as my wd’s. That’s one of the things I HAD to cut myself a break on; the guilt from lying.
One of the biggest reasons I kept going back to the pills was that I had a plan to get back on track. I would be down to a few crumbs during the last 5 or 10 days of the month. I would be struggling to hide my wd’s, and lying to cover up what I couldn’t hide (‘It’s the weather making me so sweaty’). I was so exhausted by prescription day that I would do the same b.s. every month:
I would promise myself that this month would be different. I know that what I have done in the past was a mistake so I have a new plan. BUT I need to get back to not feeling like shit, then I’ll taper down and get back in track and nobody has to know just how badly I have screwed this up. SO..... I’ll treat myself today (means I’ll take 3x my prescription) just so I can get some good sleep. Junkie math 101.
The next morning I would be back to feeling way too crappy, so I would take 2x my script, to feel normal. But one more pill right then would turn ‘normal’ into ‘great’, so I would be stupid to waste this opportunity. “2 pills will stop my wd’s, but a third will make me feel totally perfect. Isn’t it a waste of the first two pills if I don’t take the third? And I’ll only do it this one time. After this I’ll take the tapering seriously “
It was a wicked game in my head every day for a couple of years. I still don’t know for sure which parts of life at that time were lies because I knew what I was saying sometimes was at least partially untrue. I had pain from surgery, and pain from wd’s, and the pains were often in the same places for both. It’s really easy to get the lines blurred.
I think of the biggest and most misunderstood components of addiction is guilt. That sad moment in the movie when the family learns that Johnny has been stealing grandma’s grocery money to buy drugs. Dad turns to Johnny and says he’s not angry, just disappointed. A single tear runs down Mom’s cheek as she tells Johnny to leave. And 10 minutes later Johnny is turning tricks to get dope money.
I think we all fear that if we tell the truth WHILE we’re in the middle of it then we’ll be in the same spot as Johnny. I always figured I would tell my wife the truth, but only long after I had it under control. “Those last 3 surgeries were a bitch.... and do you remember how long it took me to get off the pills?” I think I feared that the enormity of what was going on would be enough to make her stop loving me, so I was trying to at least get a little bit better before I asked for help. I only got worse and the guilt kept me from asking for help for a couple of years.
My advice to anyone: If you could do this on your own, you wouldn’t have this problem. Pick someone you can trust and ask for help.
I have to say I'm not with you on the guilt. I feel fairly guilt free about the whole thing and my excuses and choices are nowhere near as innocent as yours!
Maybe I'm just kidding myself and I'll feel it at some stage.
I don't believe I've done harm, so no guilt. I live in a country where my people don't get to decide shit, those who get to decide can go by whatever laws they like, not my business.