• TDS Moderators: deficiT | D's | JessFR
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

⫸STICKY⫷ The 2021 Suicide Support Group

Opi_Kid_Rock

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 13, 2018
Messages
341
Location
Lost. Always have been it seemed.
I have suicidal thoughts every day now because no antidepressant has ever been effective. My depression is no longer about a specific traumatic experience but a constant, repetitive, insufferable, feeling that I feel pulsing through my entire being constantly 75% of my waking existence. Getting in touch with why I should be grateful for the things I have has not helped lately. I have not touched opiates since 1.5 years. Weed sometimes brings relief or makes it worse with added anxiety.

There’s a real possibility that I take opiates again so that I may experience a break from my depression for a couple hours at a time and then restart the addiction process all over again.

I know the exact method that I will use to leave this world; I always know that. I always think about it every day on and off for months at a time lasting years perhaps. It would be like someone just passing through town and being not particularly stimulated by anything in that town. I’m just making what I see as a reasonable observation and that which I observe tends to insight hopelessness and ugliness.
 

TripSitterNZ

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
4,496
Location
The Dimension of LSD-25
Trying my best at life but failing to achieve my goals. As time goes on its looks bleak i aint cut out for living in this society. I wish i had a way to turn off the constant thoughts of taking the easy way out through suicide. Last year i almost went through with it but decided to try give it one last chance to change things up. I am here and kicking it was good at the start of it all but the realities of life hit me again.

I have now accepted my fate im a useless fuck who cant hack life. I will still be around for the rest of the year but its time to say goodbye to yall next year. Im going to spend the rest of my life making the most of my last time on earth with friends indulging in pure hedonism and teach everything i know and spread my gospel before i kick the bucket for good.

People will feel pain and sadness but i know they will forget me one day. I will never forgive myself for doing this to my parents though they were always there for me but i hope they understand the suffering i have endured for my life on earth has to end. I have thought about suicide ever since i was 8 years old. Once had a vision in 2006 that i would most likely kill myself before 2022. So fitting isn't it. This is the end of my story

Light and love friends will see yall on the other side in the future.

The only reason im delaying my death til 2022 and not just taking my self in this moment because it would to much at this point for some of my friends to bear. So i will wait till times are less tough on them to allow them to grieve.

I pray that one day this world finds peace and that humans will rise above what we are now. Its been one of a hell ride and i can't lie through it all it was a beautiful art piece with some good moments but mostly alot of suffering.

To the MFs who abused me growing up and stole my childhood from me leaving me to live a dark adult hood may the fires of the lord burn and purify your souls.

Maybe one day the toad will be readily around world wide so i didnt have to go to such extreme lengths. But til that day i will rest in the source of reality universal one consciousness.

Peace out everybody.
 

deficiT

Sr. Moderator: DC, TDS, NSADD
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
4,365
Location
The Belly of The Beast
Maybe one day the toad will be readily around world wide so i didnt have to go to such extreme lengths. But til that day i will rest in the source of reality universal one consciousness.

Peace out everybody.
Truly can't blame you for wanting to go all out and enjoy what time there is left in your life. I just pray that something shakes you loose from the grip of suicidal ideation. I struggle with it constantly and know that it is no easy feat to just get up every day.

I'm sorry you were abused as a kid. That is utter shite and nothing that anyone should have to endure. You are a very strong person for making it this far. I'm sure you've heard it all before, but you'll be surprised who is down to support you or help you when you need it, just don't forget that you aren't alone and don't be ashamed to ask for help.

Nothing but love buddy <3
 

ageingpartyfiend

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 5, 2011
Messages
2,415
The only reason im delaying my death til 2022 and not just taking my self in this moment because it would to much at this point for some of my friends to bear. So i will wait till times are less tough on them to allow them to grieve.
am hearing you man

also I'm expecting (as a man of your word) that you're are going to stick around at least until the year is out...a wise decision cos as sure as eggs are eggs shit's gonna change
 

n3ophy7e

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
28,284
Location
Dex's room
The only reason im delaying my death til 2022 and not just taking my self in this moment because it would to much at this point for some of my friends to bear. So i will wait till times are less tough on them to allow them to grieve.
I'm glad you are thinking of how this will impact your loved ones, and that you're aware of how much it will hurt them. This is something that has stopped me from going through with some of my suicide attempts in the past as well.
Have you told any of your close friends, perhaps your best friend, that you plan to end your life?
 

TripSitterNZ

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
4,496
Location
The Dimension of LSD-25
I'm glad you are thinking of how this will impact your loved ones, and that you're aware of how much it will hurt them. This is something that has stopped me from going through with some of my suicide attempts in the past as well.
Have you told any of your close friends, perhaps your best friend, that you plan to end your life?
last time i told my close friends they told me to stop been a bitch and be a fucking man. So yeah lol ima just put a 12 gauge shell through my head.
 

n3ophy7e

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
28,284
Location
Dex's room
last time i told my close friends they told me to stop been a bitch and be a fucking man. So yeah lol ima just put a 12 gauge shell through my head.
Oh okay, maybe they aren't the ones to talk to about it then.
What about a therapist? Do you see a therapist at the moment?
I'm not suggesting you talk to someone necessarily with the intent of talking you out of it, but rather to validate it and discuss it.
 

TripSitterNZ

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
4,496
Location
The Dimension of LSD-25
Oh okay, maybe they aren't the ones to talk to about it then.
What about a therapist? Do you see a therapist at the moment?
I'm not suggesting you talk to someone necessarily with the intent of talking you out of it, but rather to validate it and discuss it.
will never seek professional help ever again. Had really bad experinces with them which included been preyed upon by psychologists etc as a teen. So i look at those people can tell them a massive get fucked i aint paying ya a few hundred bucks to try prescribe me posion
 

n3ophy7e

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
28,284
Location
Dex's room
will never seek professional help ever again. Had really bad experinces with them which included been preyed upon by psychologists etc as a teen. So i look at those people can tell them a massive get fucked i aint paying ya a few hundred bucks to try prescribe me posion
Fair enough <3
 

deficiT

Sr. Moderator: DC, TDS, NSADD
Staff member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
4,365
Location
The Belly of The Beast
@TripSitterNZ , i believe you are religious or spiritual in some capacity right? There are some psalms I like to read when I am feeling this way... one of them is psalm 22. maybe you could find some inspiration in that... just a thought
 

TripSitterNZ

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
4,496
Location
The Dimension of LSD-25
@TripSitterNZ , i believe you are religious or spiritual in some capacity right? There are some psalms I like to read when I am feeling this way... one of them is psalm 22. maybe you could find some inspiration in that... just a thought
I don't really like psalms the style of writing is outdated for myself. And yes im very spiritual which is the one reason i do not fear taking my own life eventually due to my knowledge that all things are god and only bliss awaits on the otherside once freed from this flesh prision.
 

ageingpartyfiend

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 5, 2011
Messages
2,415
will never seek professional help ever again. Had really bad experinces with them which included been preyed upon by psychologists etc as a teen. So i look at those people can tell them a massive get fucked i aint paying ya a few hundred bucks to try prescribe me posion
there's plenty different kinds of prof help though brother,

sounds like you were engaging with medical-model psychiatry style shizzle to me, where perhaps the opposite side of the therapeutic coin could be a better fit for you

maybe give some humanistic / existential style psychotherapy a go, dunno...
 

TripSitterNZ

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
4,496
Location
The Dimension of LSD-25
there's plenty different kinds of prof help though brother,

sounds like you were engaging with medical-model psychiatry style shizzle to me, where perhaps the opposite side of the therapeutic coin could be a better fit for you

maybe give some humanistic / existential style psychotherapy a go, dunno...
the main drawback is i cant afford it and will never be able to afford it unless i started a side hustle which how crazy the cost of living is here.
 

n3ophy7e

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
28,284
Location
Dex's room
the main drawback is i cant afford it and will never be able to afford it unless i started a side hustle which how crazy the cost of living is here.
Yeah I need therapy too. Like...hardcore long-term (realistically life-long) therapy for Complex PTSD and BPD. But it's so hard finding someone a) good, b) that I mesh well with, and c) affordable. I'm in Aus by the way. So yeah I hear ya.
 

TripSitterNZ

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
4,496
Location
The Dimension of LSD-25
the support systems here in NZ are pretty bad. That been said i hope i do find something that changes in the time i have given myself.

i aint a easy quitter but its a endless battle and sometimes i feel really weak. I have tried alot to find meaning in life outside of psychedelics. There is such a massive gap in NZ. Been poor is really fucked with how rent is and the cost of living. 20 years ago i swear was the golden days of NZ. Now its just soul sucking depressing place to live grinding out every day never acutally able to save money because everything is so fucking damm expensive.

This system has really fucked the world i hope humans manage to invent a new system which helps everybody and there is should be no reason for poverty in this world. The exploitation of the world is insane. why the fuck do most hoodies here cost $60-100 each man when the bastards selling them give the hard working people like $1 usd a month or even less. Yet there is nowhere else to buy fucking clothes and the UN aint done nothing. If the money was fair to the people working so hard to make clothes for the world then they would be living quite good. I try protest the government and nothing happens we won't even condeem china and the genocide going on arden is just another fake ass bitch.
 

strangeaeon

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 19, 2019
Messages
233
Location
Timewave Zero
Trying my best at life but failing to achieve my goals. As time goes on its looks bleak i aint cut out for living in this society. I wish i had a way to turn off the constant thoughts of taking the easy way out through suicide. Last year i almost went through with it but decided to try give it one last chance to change things up. I am here and kicking it was good at the start of it all but the realities of life hit me again.

I have now accepted my fate im a useless fuck who cant hack life. I will still be around for the rest of the year but its time to say goodbye to yall next year. Im going to spend the rest of my life making the most of my last time on earth with friends indulging in pure hedonism and teach everything i know and spread my gospel before i kick the bucket for good.

People will feel pain and sadness but i know they will forget me one day. I will never forgive myself for doing this to my parents though they were always there for me but i hope they understand the suffering i have endured for my life on earth has to end. I have thought about suicide ever since i was 8 years old. Once had a vision in 2006 that i would most likely kill myself before 2022. So fitting isn't it. This is the end of my story

Light and love friends will see yall on the other side in the future.

The only reason im delaying my death til 2022 and not just taking my self in this moment because it would to much at this point for some of my friends to bear. So i will wait till times are less tough on them to allow them to grieve.

I pray that one day this world finds peace and that humans will rise above what we are now. Its been one of a hell ride and i can't lie through it all it was a beautiful art piece with some good moments but mostly alot of suffering.

To the MFs who abused me growing up and stole my childhood from me leaving me to live a dark adult hood may the fires of the lord burn and purify your souls.

Maybe one day the toad will be readily around world wide so i didnt have to go to such extreme lengths. But til that day i will rest in the source of reality universal one consciousness.

Peace out everybody.

You have parents and you have friends and you are able to see them and talk to them? i cant do any of that. Maybe if i could i would be far from suicidal. Don't take those things for granted. But not gonna lie, i was also miserable when they were around, just not nearly as bad as today. Dunno if u live alone today but if u do, stop right now, go live with someone that will take care of you, tell someone to go live with you. I would do that if i could. Don't be hard on yourself when you are not fit to care for yourself (??) idk i just dont think that death is the answer, i dont think it is wise to look for her unless she comes to us. The reason is that i am not sure if dying will end our suffering, not at all. If i had managed to kill myself all those times i tried (well yes i did but i was narcan'd lol) there are things i would never have seen and done, and those things have kept me here, doing jack shit but at least now i know that not everything has to be shite. All drugs are dumb if you dont need em. Am very tired.
 

TripSitterNZ

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
4,496
Location
The Dimension of LSD-25
You have parents and you have friends and you are able to see them and talk to them? i cant do any of that. Maybe if i could i would be far from suicidal. Don't take those things for granted. But not gonna lie, i was also miserable when they were around, just not nearly as bad as today. Dunno if u live alone today but if u do, stop right now, go live with someone that will take care of you, tell someone to go live with you. I would do that if i could. Don't be hard on yourself when you are not fit to care for yourself (??) idk i just dont think that death is the answer, i dont think it is wise to look for her unless she comes to us. The reason is that i am not sure if dying will end our suffering, not at all. If i had managed to kill myself all those times i tried (well yes i did but i was narcan'd lol) there are things i would never have seen and done, and those things have kept me here, doing jack shit but at least now i know that not everything has to be shite. All drugs are dumb if you dont need em. Am very tired.
i moved back in with them for covid and just moved out again. Trust me going back there means i go back the hood and would most likely end up in jail on meth. The place i grew up is super fucked up and just getting worse everybody is on meth no one even respects the gangs there anymore sinces everybody is tweaking so hard.

But i know my own faith and i know death will bring me sweet bliss and an escape from this lifeform. I can not bear to watch anymore failure. This society does not care or even ask people if they are okay ever. I know i would be alot happier in most other countries but i cant handle this place its so fucking fake. Everybody is a fucking fake most people are bullies and im over hearing all the endless put downs people and judgement do here.

Fuck i would take myself out right now if i had a gun on me. I have no guilt dying and now i just have to fully release myself from the thoughts of what would other people think or feel.

each day its becomes more obvious i am worthless to society. That no one in this country gives a fuck no wonder the suicide rate here is so fucking sky high. Just a shitty place were bullying goes on 24/7 EVERYWHERE schools workplaces it never fucking ends. Cant hold down a job because of workplace bullying i will never let anybody bully me if i have a boss ill easily cop a charge and fuck them up thats my one rule i hold to my heart. Aint never gonna get bullied and will humble anybody who tries to do so with my violence and hood mentality i grew up with.

i think its just my storyline that god wrote. A sad fucking story which had some beautiful moments in it for sure but overall a tragic sad story of struggles with mental health addiction been abused in everyway growing up. I thought this year was gonna be my redemption arc and getting my life sorted finally but nope it has repeated once again and just going downhill. I am over surviving i am over fighting. I have lived and done many things and i hope that one day when im gone all those i helped along the way reflect and grow from the pain they will feel and know to spread light in this world like i tried to do for so long for those who needed it.

Only heaven awaits me on the otherside i know that with 100% conviction. Bliss that transcends any drug high or anything in this earth. I shall dwell and rest within god.

My note will only say one thing and one thing only when i do indeed die.

"Do not cry for I now rest in eternal love with the lord"


Why should people be forced to live life againsn't their will because the system just wants more slaves to work and make them rich. I reckon suicide is kind of a beautiful thing when things are truly tough we have our own free will to exercise the right to end our own lives and experience total freedom and bliss. This is a game that was never meant to be forever. And for most people the roll of the dice was fucking horrible.

I learnt many things during my time on earth.

When the time right my death will come by my own hands and no other. For now I will carry on the game just for a little longer to see how it turns out and spend whatever time i have left deepening my love for god.

My dog brings me alot of love but hes on his last legs and old so i will make sure i will not die before him.
 

strangeaeon

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 19, 2019
Messages
233
Location
Timewave Zero
i moved back in with them for covid and just moved out again. Trust me going back there means i go back the hood and would most likely end up in jail on meth. The place i grew up is super fucked up and just getting worse everybody is on meth no one even respects the gangs there anymore sinces everybody is tweaking so hard.

But i know my own faith and i know death will bring me sweet bliss and an escape from this lifeform. I can not bear to watch anymore failure. This society does not care or even ask people if they are okay ever. I know i would be alot happier in most other countries but i cant handle this place its so fucking fake. Everybody is a fucking fake most people are bullies and im over hearing all the endless put downs people and judgement do here.

Fuck i would take myself out right now if i had a gun on me. I have no guilt dying and now i just have to fully release myself from the thoughts of what would other people think or feel.

each day its becomes more obvious i am worthless to society. That no one in this country gives a fuck no wonder the suicide rate here is so fucking sky high. Just a shitty place were bullying goes on 24/7 EVERYWHERE schools workplaces it never fucking ends. Cant hold down a job because of workplace bullying i will never let anybody bully me if i have a boss ill easily cop a charge and fuck them up thats my one rule i hold to my heart. Aint never gonna get bullied and will humble anybody who tries to do so with my violence and hood mentality i grew up with.

i think its just my storyline that god wrote. A sad fucking story which had some beautiful moments in it for sure but overall a tragic sad story of struggles with mental health addiction been abused in everyway growing up. I thought this year was gonna be my redemption arc and getting my life sorted finally but nope it has repeated once again and just going downhill. I am over surviving i am over fighting. I have lived and done many things and i hope that one day when im gone all those i helped along the way reflect and grow from the pain they will feel and know to spread light in this world like i tried to do for so long for those who needed it.

Only heaven awaits me on the otherside i know that with 100% conviction. Bliss that transcends any drug high or anything in this earth. I shall dwell and rest within god.

My note will only say one thing and one thing only when i do indeed die.

"Do not cry for I now rest in eternal love with the lord"


Why should people be forced to live life againsn't their will because the system just wants more slaves to work and make them rich. I reckon suicide is kind of a beautiful thing when things are truly tough we have our own free will to exercise the right to end our own lives and experience total freedom and bliss. This is a game that was never meant to be forever. And for most people the roll of the dice was fucking horrible.

I learnt many things during my time on earth.

When the time right my death will come by my own hands and no other. For now I will carry on the game just for a little longer to see how it turns out and spend whatever time i have left deepening my love for god.

My dog brings me alot of love but hes on his last legs and old so i will make sure i will not die before him.

Can relate, sorry u had to move out again, but meth is fuckin whack, demonic shit, aussie ppl ive met are like what you described lol ofc not all of them, i keep to myself wherever i go because im also super violent, and it hurts me more than i hurt others... maybe. But never think that there is life within the system. The system subsides on death, misery, disease, and ignorance. Life is found outside of the system. We are dependent on it tho. It is what forces us to live against our will. If you really prefered to live alone just to be away from meth and stuff that is badass. It was not hard for me to understand why society does not care for us, because something so sick could never be up to the task, because it is what made us sick in the first place. Redemption is found far from all of that nonsense. The ones who abuse us are way below us in the gutter, tho it wont stop me from wanting to shit on them. I hope you can at least chill and relax today.
 

strangeaeon

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 19, 2019
Messages
233
Location
Timewave Zero
Heh. You dont have to live if you dont want but i think its not a safe pathway to die. This i have felt and seen. No matter how pained i am, there is something very wrong about it imo.
 
Top