You and benzos are clearly bad news, I think this is a good idea. Honestly if you really want my friend opinion for a good friend I care about... I think you should stick to bupe, and psychedelics, and that's it. I think dissociatives are bad news too, and adding various opioid RCs on top of bupe gets you all fucked up and you've said she doesn't like that. Also stimulants, because of your heart (plus they're not good drugs to be doing - like I can talk, I did adderall last night, but I'm doing my best to minimize them in my life. But I still have insight about it. If you stick to your prescribed bupe and the occasional psychedelic, my strong feeling is that not only will your wife be happy and know that you're making an effort and start rebuilding her trust for you, but also as we all know, drug addiction might temporarily make you feel better but it makes everything in your life worse, and harder to deal with.
I really, really do not want to see you lose everything, man. And to be honest I think you're on the precipice. If she catches you one more time it may very well the actual last time. I know how much she means to you. Real talk, I fear for your safety if she leaves you. I worry about you every day because of this. Hiding things from your SO is impossible to maintain, it WILL catch up to you, trust me I know from experience. I hid my lifestyle from her for like 7 years of us living together, but it came crashing down eventually, and it is inevitable that it will. Especially now that she is on such high alert. Besides that, it is a betrayal every time. My ex was awful to me, but I truly did traumatize her by continually using drugs behind her back, and she had every right to be hurt and stop being able to trust me. And lack of trust is a relationship poisoner. That was wrong of me, probably the most in the wrong I've ever been and the worst I've ever treated anyone.
I love you man, I really want to see you succeed. I mean you're my friend so of course I do, plus even if you weren't, I want the best for everyone. But aside from that, you have SO MUCH to offer the world, the world needs more people like you, who exude love and support for others. If we lose you, the world loses a bright, shining beacon of light who lifts others up. There is so much at stake here. I know you feel stable on bupe and you've told me repeatedly that you feel the best and most stable on bupe and bupe only. As I see it, you are at a crossroads, and your life from here could go in two dramatically different directions, and IMO it's largely dependent on your willingness to cut out the destructive drug patterns and stick to your medicine. Your girl is lucky to have some a loving partner, you are wonderful, and you are worthy of her, and she is worthy of you from what I have seen. But there is only so much someone can take, and be expected to take, when it comes to repeated betrayals. One important thing I learned from my ex-marriage is that for someone who is not a drug addict, watching a loved one in the grips of addiction is horrifying, confusing, hurtful, traumatizing and impossible to really understand. My ex never despised me before the years of repeatedly being caught and then continuing to lie and sneak around and mislead her into what I wanted her to see. She was still awful to me because of her own problems despite that, but once it got deep into my addiction and we had multiple rounds of catching, promises, and breaking those promises, she grew to absolutely despise me. And I really can't blame her for that, what I was doing was fucked up. In my case I am lucky it ended, but even after it ended, I stopped doing all the self-destructive stuff I was doing, for myself. And my life became SO MUCH better.
Love you brother, I hope this reaches you in a positive way, know that all I have for you is love and I'm trying to be a good friend to you right now. ❤ You're very often on my mind lately and I just felt I needed to say this to you.