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Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

ControlDaddy

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In the middle of court today I get a text message from my husband saying he's divorcing me. Like, thanks for that timing??? Uhh it's for the best though.
Court went well though. Exhausted ofc. Only wednesday left but I dont have to attend that day. Maybe ill write more later about it, now some lyrica bc I fucking deserve to relax after this
Wow, what an inconsiderate, or just mean, thing to do, on several levels. Divorce by text? Classy. While you are in a formal, distressing setting and trying to maintain your composure. Is he just thoughtless, or cruel? I might have responded with the most confusing array of random emojis, just to deny him the satisfaction of upsetting you.
 

on.my.way🌿

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Wow, what an inconsiderate, or just mean, thing to do, on several levels. Divorce by text? Classy. While you are in a formal, distressing setting and trying to maintain your composure. Is he just thoughtless, or cruel? I might have responded with the most confusing array of random emojis, just to deny him the satisfaction of upsetting you.
I don't know actually. I hope he was just thoughtless. I did not even answer him. If it wasn't for the cats at home I would not talk to him anymore. Im not looking forward to going home to the apartment and being all alone. Wierd.
 

on.my.way🌿

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Guys you should have heard my stalker ex in court yesterday.. He practically sacrificed his freedom to scare me. I listened in another room. He said he uses pictures of me to practice shooting his air rifle. He said he hates me, he said he sent the letters and stuff to torment me.. thats just a tiny bit of what he said..
My lawyer got worried for my safety after the trial. Im glad my ex showed a little of his real personality though, they cant let such a person be out amongst other people.
Im convinced that he would have killed me when I was with him if he did not live in the middle of the city.
 

Atelier3

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I feel like I want to repeatedly beat my head against a brick wall until my obsessions submit, sit down, and shut up. I’m not going to feed them so they are wasting my time and theirs.
 

TripSitterNZ

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I want to drop out lol and go back on hella fucking lsd and forgot about the world. Man I cbf doing long days of lab work and assignments. I took up smoking weed again because of the stress and now ima get some nice md pressed pillz. Fuck normal society man I tried that shit ima def go back on heavy drugs one day it's so much more fun and easier
 

Vastness

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I'm rooting for ya @TripSitterNZ - humanity needs more scientists, and especially scientists like you. You don't owe humanity anything of course, you didn't choose to be a human, none of us did. But I hope you don't drop out. Maybe you can do some LSD once in a while too, surely there's some balance that's workable? It's your choice obviously, your life is your own, but I hope you find it in you to keep pushing just a little longer.
 

TripSitterNZ

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I'm rooting for ya @TripSitterNZ - humanity needs more scientists, and especially scientists like you. You don't owe humanity anything of course, you didn't choose to be a human, none of us did. But I hope you don't drop out. Maybe you can do some LSD once in a while too, surely there's some balance that's workable? It's your choice obviously, your life is your own, but I hope you find it in you to keep pushing just a little longer.
ima keep at it and smoke weed to chill out at night. I feel like im not as smart as all the other chemists and ask dumb questions all the time. Ima hang in there and have a trip coming on bicycle day with a girl ima introduce to LSD.

Ima keep the mdma stashed away til june. But how busy i am these days i cant drop to much LSD. Been getting exercise each day which helps.

cant wait til my next acid trip its been since start of feb.
 

Vastness

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Grit trumps smarts every time, there's studies to prove it. I'm not into pushing people to do stuff they don't wanna do, but, I feel like you wanna keep pushing. Also, no such thing as a dumb question, literally, the concept is a nonsencity. I just made that word up but, there's a parallel branch on the quantum wavefunction where that word is in the Oxford English Dictionary, and some chemistry students are feeling dumb because they went to schools where "experiential chemistry", so to speak, wasn't pushed as much as it should have been, so they're having to ask questions about aspects of chemistry that aren't easily transcribed into pictures and words, while their colleagues who went to the better schools are feeling all smart and clued up about what happens when X chemical comes into contact with Y receptor in the human body, or brain, as much as they try to suppress their smugness over those poor kids who didn't get to go on school trips enough when they were younger.

Just to state the bleeding obvious, school trips in these otherworlds have a different meaning than they do to us here, but lets all of us take a moment to empathise with those kids, in those otherworlds, both the lucky ones, and the less fortunate.

In this branch of the great tree of eternity, anyway... actually I dunno where I'm going with this, but all those chemists who learned their craft from books, and scientific record... if one could trace the strands of the multiverse that bloom into the Bulk, all their otherselves, in otherworlds, would be asking dumb questions somewhere. But as I say, there's no such thing as a dumb question, or at least, any question is a smart question somewhere. And again, lets all take a moment to remember those otherworlds that never bloomed at all.
 

TripSitterNZ

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i try focus on the spiritual truths to get me through aswell knowing deep down its all okay everybody is a mask of god and that life is literally a game. but its tough and my back ground of studies was at a really shit backdrop university where even the professors that taught me were on drugs lol. Meanwhile at this new one its all fancy and well respected chemists who have published shit tons of research and alot of grad students.

Labs are just stressful though idk why i went back to study i never liked the industry anyway lol shit pay for shit work. Kind of just went back into study to at least do something instead of just living that heavy drug lifestyle shady underworld part of society.

Ill give myself til 2023 to sort my shit out if things are looking bleak still by then ima just take the easy way out before world war 3 kicks off in the future
 

Vastness

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I did a science degree and couldn't hack it, so I empathise, not chemistry mind just physics so probably less lab work and a lot more maths. I was in a bad place that time in my life though, social anxiety off the charts, binge drinking beyond even normal student behaviour. Mostly just skipped labs, my lab partner was a chill dude, and unlucky to be saddled with me, basically a loser stoner who didn't even wanna be there. I hope he's doing alright now. Luckily I made a few good friends who would sign me into lectures and shit that I never went to. I shouldn't even have gone at that time in my life I think, I went right after finishing school just coz it was what I thought I was supposed to do. But I was a mess for 3 years and it's a miracle I even got a degree out of it. It was a good uni as well, some of my passes were so close to the line I think they probably just scraped me through to keep the statistics high. I never thought it would be possible to basically fudge a quantum physics exam until I actually did it, just memorized like 2 A4 sheets of notes beforehand, and would write down anything vaguely relevant to the question that I remembered, add in some random arrows and hey, there's your proof. 😂

Last year I was in halls I basically just cocooned in my room smoking weed all day and watching shit on my own. The people I lived with weren't a bad crowd, I was just a socially dysfunctional recluse, afraid of the world except if I was fucked up enough to be catatonic and an annoying liability. I coulda had some good times there for sure but when I was done... it was a relief.

Looking back to who I was back then... I don't even recognise myself. Like, I was troubled. Not chaotic troubled, more like just retreat, isolate, silently endure kind of troubled. I don't say this a lot coz people are always like yeah, uni, best years of your life... but for me, they weren't.

If I went back now it would be different of course, but also the world is different now, I'd be a mature student... whole dynamic would be off. I wasted those years but, that was my life, if I'd done anything differently, that person would not be me, just an otherself living another life in someone else's world, so whatever, that's my past self and I accept it.

I do hope to go back into study eventually though, just gotta finish unfucking all the paths I burned to get myself to the place I am today.
 

TripSitterNZ

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most people i know are mature students now infact everybody in my chem class has worked in industry for years. Though in my undergrad i was a mega stoner druggie and everybody in my chem class was on drugs aswell not to mention pretty much everybody sold drugs aswell. Was fucking crazy i pretty much spent my entire undergrad either high or some sort of drug 24/7
 

on.my.way🌿

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I wasted those years but, that was my life, if I'd done anything differently, that person would not be me, just an otherself living another life in someone else's world, so whatever, that's my past self and I accept it.
I was not even a part of your conversation but just wanted to say that I really needed to read this sentence today. Fucking gold thank you<3
 

Vastness

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Glad to hear you found it helpful! 🙂 I always try to remember that if I find myself regretting stuff, dwelling on past decisions or imagining "what could have been"... in my view, while regret is useful in a sense, as a way to learn and plan our future actions - that's as far as it goes, and we all need to remember that anything else is pining to live in another reality that, in this one, does not exist, and to be a version of ourselves that never existed, never could have existed. The way things happen is the path through time that makes us who we are, and all other paths lead to a person who is not us - and to wish to be them is to wish not to be yourself, not to have more, be more, have done more or anything else - just not to exist. That other version of your life that so many people waste time envying, ruminating about - is not real and was never going to be real. Reality will play out as it was always going to, and alternative versions of that reality do not exist, and alternate versions of ourselves - are not us. Just IMHO, of course.
 

Vastness

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I hope you will give the sertraline a fair chance, especially if you can nix the rec drug use for awhile so you can really evaluate its effects. I am anything but a strong proponent of SSRIs, especially for myself, but if I have noticed one that its users tend to celebrate, and it is Zoloft (sertraline). My ex wife has some serious depression and seasonal affective disorder issues, that six weeks of Zoloft helped to totally clear up.
Yeah... no doubt that would be sensible and I'm sure my therapist will say the same.... honestly just not sure if I can, at least not right now... I have about a month left before I'm leaving the company I've somehow become trapped in, despite massive stress for years, but in this last month at least I have some shit to finish up so as not to fuck myself on the way out... such is my un-augmented apathy towards any kind of work-oriented work (by which I mean... not just any work, but work specifically for my current job) seems almost physically impossible... my therapist has said "no time like the present, there will always be an excuse"... but I'm not sure I agree... 🤔 After finishing up my extremely inadvisable disso dalliances I'm most likely gonna stick to just benzos and amphetamine as augments for where sertraline doesn't help me enough, for now... that feels somehow less potentially headfucking at least... maybe I'll try though... I dunno. Equally I think in some ways I was pretty comfortable and happy with my previous life of occasional self-medication... and in a way, only sought out therapy to prove somehow to certain people in my life who cause me a lot of stress, even if unintentionally, that I was doing something to deal with my "drug problem", in the words of a certain person I plan to cut ties with as soon as I can... thanks for your input though. I'll see how I go.
 

Vastness

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Posting a lot here recently it seems, feels like I should give someone else a turn... 😄

As it happens anyway in answer to the thread question I feel somewhat frustrated, ambivalent, I dunno, also admittedly high courtesy of the amphetamine I've been doing for the last 2 days now and the benzos to balance out stim-induced anxiety.

Had a fucking shitty morning, Skyping my one time friend and business partner in the company I co-founded and am currently trying to leave, and, fuck, I tried to go into it calm but the guy is fucking intolerable. After listening to a tirade of insults about how I'm selfish, lazy, shitty at everything basically, I then had to weather a brief period of actually discussing the important shit we were supposed to be discussing, and then maybe an hour of refusing to be drawn into discussions about emotions and feelings. Guy is a fucking narcissist and I've learned for a long time now that I cannot have any interactions when I'm not psychologically somewhat stable, any emotional vulnerability is a weakness to be exploited. This time I just refused to be drawn into pointless bullshit, just stated my disagreement and that I had no interest in justifying it or influencing anyone else's story about their life. Apparently it's not all about me, I have a victim complex, am a drug addict (maybe true that one)... fuck me. It's not all about me, clearly, but seems to be all about someone. We just cannot understand each other at all anymore. Recently I've even been taking an etizolam or 2 prior to any such phone calls in an effort to better cope with all that fucking bullshit.

Have to meet (virtually) again this Saturday, then a day the following week, then maybe not for a while. Can't wait for this shit to be fucking over. One positive outcome though is that I might now be stepping back one month earlier than planned, will be paid less but fuck, no amount of money is worth this.

Followed that up with a therapy session, I like the guy and he has a good and rational manner but just can't get behind the "no substances" thing. He doesn't push it, tell me what I should be doing, just tells stories mainly, but the moral of them is clear. Although I do find it hard to relate to some of them coz of my addict-ego that I'm somehow too smart to ever develop a serious problem despite skirting the edges of many... I know that's not true of course, I could completely fuck up my life as easily as anyone. But, hopefully all will be OK.

Clearly haven't slept enough recently. Gonna sleep a lot tonight and try not to do any drugs tomorrow so I'm lucid for Saturday.

Much love everyone, thanks for reading, if you did.
 

ControlDaddy

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Posting a lot here recently it seems, feels like I should give someone else a turn... 😄

As it happens anyway in answer to the thread question I feel somewhat frustrated, ambivalent, I dunno, also admittedly high courtesy of the amphetamine I've been doing for the last 2 days now and the benzos to balance out stim-induced anxiety.

Had a fucking shitty morning, Skyping my one time friend and business partner in the company I co-founded and am currently trying to leave, and, fuck, I tried to go into it calm but the guy is fucking intolerable. After listening to a tirade of insults about how I'm selfish, lazy, shitty at everything basically, I then had to weather a brief period of actually discussing the important shit we were supposed to be discussing, and then maybe an hour of refusing to be drawn into discussions about emotions and feelings. Guy is a fucking narcissist and I've learned for a long time now that I cannot have any interactions when I'm not psychologically somewhat stable, any emotional vulnerability is a weakness to be exploited. This time I just refused to be drawn into pointless bullshit, just stated my disagreement and that I had no interest in justifying it or influencing anyone else's story about their life. Apparently it's not all about me, I have a victim complex, am a drug addict (maybe true that one)... fuck me. It's not all about me, clearly, but seems to be all about someone. We just cannot understand each other at all anymore. Recently I've even been taking an etizolam or 2 prior to any such phone calls in an effort to better cope with all that fucking bullshit.

Have to meet (virtually) again this Saturday, then a day the following week, then maybe not for a while. Can't wait for this shit to be fucking over. One positive outcome though is that I might now be stepping back one month earlier than planned, will be paid less but fuck, no amount of money is worth this.

Followed that up with a therapy session, I like the guy and he has a good and rational manner but just can't get behind the "no substances" thing. He doesn't push it, tell me what I should be doing, just tells stories mainly, but the moral of them is clear. Although I do find it hard to relate to some of them coz of my addict-ego that I'm somehow too smart to ever develop a serious problem despite skirting the edges of many... I know that's not true of course, I could completely fuck up my life as easily as anyone. But, hopefully all will be OK.

Clearly haven't slept enough recently. Gonna sleep a lot tonight and try not to do any drugs tomorrow so I'm lucid for Saturday.

Much love everyone, thanks for reading, if you did.
I hope things have smoothed out over the last week. You’ve got a lot of heavy stuff going on.
 

Vastness

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Thanks @ControlDaddy, sorry to hear about your terrible day. I hope tomorrow will be better. 🙂

Myself... things have got better just because the end of all this shit is looking closer. But worse also because I've been neglecting almost every positive habit and am still on/off on benzos and speed.

I seem to be unable to nix the other drugs right now, as per your advice, and am considering just not renewing my sertraline prescription when it runs out in a week or so... I know because of my currently compulsive drug habit I haven't really given it a fair chance... but equally, I'm just not convinced it's the right option for me anymore. It was nice to be given a diagnosis and an option other than talk therapy but it hasn't actually made anything easier 5 weeks later and after being almost entirely sober for about 4 months I'm back on the polydrug train... also I'm pretty sure every stress in my life is related to the situation I described that I'm desperately trying to get out of... so I see no point anymore in trying to medicate away an objectively real problem.

I guess on balance though... ah, I'm feeling pretty shitty if I'm honest, but feelings are illusions. I know I'm basically fine.
 
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