CJ,
Damn man. I don’t know what to say. So few get to escape this life relatively unscathed. I’m so damn depressed and anxious today. Just took a Clonazapam; f me for not finding better ways to cope. My tears are close to flowing out of me today, face in palms and all. The odds don’t look great and it takes some relatively small bad news to stir up these ideas in my head that my situation and odds do not fking look good at all. But I’m living for my parents. To look after them into their old age. I don’t live for me or the prospect of having/starting my OWN family; that ship I believe has best be sailed. It’s better for everyone. Staying alive for my parents; my life in a nutshell. I’m crying right now.
A lot of people take care of their parents or grandparents in end-of-life situations. It can be emotionally trying to an extreme. You have a lot to live for alongside that too if you want it. Do you have any hobbies or interests? I know a lot of people can feel that desire for their own family. It's never too late to start your own or join a part of one. There are a lot of single moms out there struggling to find the right guy, or a guy with a job, etc. (I'm assuming you're a dude because of what I remember; my brain is totes fried though please forgive me if I am mistaken!!)
There's a lot to do and see out in the world. There's a lot you can read about if you don't want to go and see it all. I get a lot out of camping, hiking, walking on the beach. Seeing the small towns and the big cities in my area. Having done that all over America along the way in my travels (but not the whole nation, thankfully, probably many states better left untouched LOL! though I do want to see it all one day), etc. Stay strong.
I woke up feeling OK myself, but I'm sure it'll all fall apart at one point or another. I tend to get really sad in like 4, 5 hours from now ever since I went through this loss. I think I'm going to break the cycle today and just feel less like an asocial loser and try to go out and do shit with my life today. Something. Anything. I'm not going to recoil back into agoraphobia and shit like that, it's just not an option for me.
Looking back on my "story" and my journey I had a lot of lack of self-awareness about how much pain I put others through and still an incredible lack of empathy for them in that regard as if what I went through was worse, and I should really try not to feel so dead inside about it. I should care. I really should. Like why did it upset them, they weren't addicted. Kind of thinking. I can't break myself of that. I'm a very private person and they did not need to know about it. Etc. So whatever. I wish I cared more and had more of a heart. It'd make me more human and less numb to the world. I think it's a reaction I've probably adopted since childhood to adapt to life and make it through alive, a coping mechanism of sorts. I don't know what I'd call it. Maybe just a symptom of depression. I don't know.
Either way I'm doing well and I'm going to have a decent day or will try VERY hard to.
