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Blog Kicking Kratom Once and For All!!!

KratomDemon

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Hi guys,

New member here but long time lurker. I have begun what I hope to be the last of my kratom use once and for all. First, a little background.

I discovered kratom about 7 years ago while searching the internet for ways to obtains prescription narcotics. Realizing how illegal and ultimately dangerous this would be, I found the legal alternative that is kratom. Fast forward 7 years and I have had no more than 1 month clean from it and currently have been using for the last year straight. I have been dosing bali kratom in capsule form, using 12 600mg capsules 3-5 times per day. Withdrawls would set in about 6-8 hours after last dose so I have been a slave to this plant, having to make sure to have an adequate supply with me no matter where I go. I am tired of the control this has over my life, the resulting indifference regarding my job and the financial impact it has had on my family (300-400/month).

I am an admitted addict but one who has been able to keep things hidden and secret and allowing me to function for the most part. I abused alcohol all through college and then after college, stumbled upon my mom's supply of various opiates (which led to me finding kratom). I have heartlessly lied and stolen from friends, family and strangers if the chance to acqure drugs was available. It sickens me to think about it. My mom passed away last Sept from pnemonia and it pains me to know I never had the chance to come clean to her about my behaviors. Even my wife is unaware. I have toyed with going to rehab but can't deal with the fact that the cat would be out of the bag and am afraid of those consequences.

So here we are - I have dosed my last kratom yesterday (Monday) yesterday morning, with 12 600 mg capsules at 8 AM and another 10 capsules at 11 AM. I then brewed some poppy pod tea in the evening and made it through the night fine. I have more poppy pod available, but am well aware of how horrible this addiction can be and dumped all but two more doses. I took one dose this morning and am contemplating dumping the other dose (as I am thinking I am just delaying the onset of withdrawls). I am off work today and Wednesday but need to be back in the office on Thursday. I have stashed 16 kratom capsules in case I am so sick I cannot work, because missing work is not an option. I also have 1 0.5 mg lorazepam, kava, a handful of muscle relaxers, and capsulized valerian root.

I can and have overcome the physical withrdawls as much as they suck. Mostly I get hot/cold sweats, restless legs, runny nose and muscle/bone pain. The worst part though is the crushing depressions and anxiety. I wish I had more benzos on hand because I think they could really get me through things easier.

Looking for support and any other advice regarding what I should do this week. I should also mention my wife is out of state on business this week (hence me choosing this week to do this), but I have my 4 year old son to care for in the evening and AM (he is spending the day with the inlaws). So I have to be somewhat functional and drive to pick him up and drop him off.

Will check back in later this afternoon after this dose of pod tea has worn off and update on how things are going. I really just want to get back to enjoying all the small things in life, being "normal" and not having to rely on susbstances to get through the day. I'm tired of this shit....

- Kratom Demon
 

T. Calderone

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Hi Kratom Demon, I have heard the withdrawals from kratom can be harsh. My worst was oxy and benzos. If you want my honest opinion, you are in for a rough ride because you have been taking kratom for a long time. It would be ideal if you could manage a long weekend, I know you said you can't miss work. But I would hate to see you going in there being sick.

My advice is keep yourself well-hydrated with water. You may not have much of an appetite and that's ok. If you could buy some loperamide (immodium) that could be very helpful with gastrointestinal symptoms. Just don't over-use them or you will end up addicted to those. There will hopefully be some other members who can share their kratom withdrawal experiences. Hang in there, you're doing the right thing and Welcome to Bluelight! :)
 

KratomDemon

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Hi Kratom Demon, I have heard the withdrawals from kratom can be harsh. My worst was oxy and benzos. If you want my honest opinion, you are in for a rough ride because you have been taking kratom for a long time. It would be ideal if you could manage a long weekend, I know you said you can't miss work. But I would hate to see you going in there being sick.

My advice is keep yourself well-hydrated with water. You may not have much of an appetite and that's ok. If you could buy some loperamide (immodium) that could be very helpful with gastrointestinal symptoms. Just don't over-use them or you will end up addicted to those. There will hopefully be some other members who can share their kratom withdrawal experiences. Hang in there, you're doing the right thing and Welcome to Bluelight! :)
Thanks for the kind words and advice. I usually am good on staying hydrated and eat well. I'm actually a successful amateur bodybuilder (can you believe I could pull that off through an addiction?) So I'm very intune with my body and know the importance of hydration and eating good foods. I agree that will go a long way with helping get through this.

I know the ride is going to suck and honestly, I'm worried about staying clean once the physical withdrawl symptoms are gone, because the physchological dependency that is created is hell. It's terrible. That is one of the reasons I decided to reach out here to see if I can draw strength and inspiration to make it through those days were you just want to give up and use again.
 

Xorkoth

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Hey, I was addicted to kratom for exactly 7 years, then I tried to use poppy tea to wean myself off because it held me over for almost 2 whole days. I will say that it seemed to me that the first time I tried, I did it one day, then 2 days later did it again, and on the 5th day I did not feel any withdrawals anymore. But, I liked poppy tea so much more than kratom (well I liked kratom even more at the beginning but it had stopped really effecting me much at all by then), so I kept using it, every other day, then every day, and that addiction was much worse... I was on that for 3 years and then finally I took ibogaine and got free. I was to the point of wanting to die, my life felt over.

I too would get sick like clockwork 6 hours after my last dose of kratom... almost every night I'd wake up at 5am and need to dose just to go back to sleep. It was horrific. The good news is that kratom withdrawal lasts shorter than almost any opiate withdrawal (5 days for me it usually was), and it didn't seem to cause me to feel PAWS much (post acute withdrawal syndrome if you didn't know, which you probably do). It is bad though when you're so powerfully on it for so long. The RLS is worse for me than any other opiate I've been addicted to (poppy tea and heroin as well). I felt anxious and depressed and super sensitive, but not sick at all... more like just really uncomfortable in my own skin. But you can get through it. I think the fact that you took poppy tea a couple of times is probably fine, if you've never been addicted to it or morphine or codeine before. Good for you for throwing the rest out though. You may have helped yourself bypass some of your suffering time, but please don't keep at it because it's SO easy to fall into something else, and poppy tea withdrawal lasts for weeks and you'll probably have PAWS afterwards too.

The biggest obstacle is probably going to be addressing why you got there in the first place and avoiding relapse. I quit kratom for short periods of time, getting through withdrawals, and relapsed every time other than when I switched to poppy tea which was worse than a relapse. The cravings will likely be intense for a while and it's so easy for the addict mind to lie to you and convince you it would be appropriate "just once more" or to convince yourself that "I can use it responsibly now that I'm not addicted anymore, this time will be different". It won't though.

I mentioned ibogaine... I will say that it left me with no cravings or addiction at all. It's been over 3 months and I feel like a new person, one who simply isn't addicted to opiates. Also the main stress I was covering up, my slowly failing relationship/marriage (she went from girlfriend to wife during those 10 years), is also in the past, which certainly helps. If your wife and loved ones don't know that would be hard though. Give it a try first without that but just know if time goes by and you keep relapsing and feel hopeless, it's an option, albeit an extreme one, that has helped a lot of people, myself included. When I was at my low points, it helped me simply to know that there is hope out there. :)
 

KratomDemon

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Thanks for all the words of advice! I have used poppy tea once before about 2 years ago. I dosed 2-3 times a day for a week until it was all gone and then suffered with viscious flu like symptoms for 3 days while on vacation, which sucked. I know it's horrible shit. I take solace in the fact that there is no way I can secretly order and consume poppies without people finding out, so the risk of me turning to them is low. Kratom I just write off to my family as a dietary supplement to help with anxiety.

Do you think then that dosing the pod tea a few times after kratom use has stopped will help reduce withdrawls or will it just delay them? As of now I really don't feel bad at all except the occasional cold sweat for a few minutes.

Everytime I've gotten free of Kratom my addict brain would trick me into ordering a small dose to take for a weekend, which leads to ordering more and more. It's a bastard like that and I whole heartedly wish the crap was made illegal in the US.

I know that if my family was made aware of my struggles with addiction that I would be able to get through it easily. It's the fear of their response to it and then finding out that I have effectively lied and stolen from them over such a long time that keeps me from going that route. I try to just think about my 4 year old son and all the fun times we can be having with the money not spent on this addiction and the time spent doing fun stuff with the family instead of spacing out high as a kite day in and day out.
 

Xorkoth

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I do believe that given your long period of abstinence from it and very few doses, that you probably helped yourself in the end. But since you have had withdrawals from it before, I extra urge you not to take any more (sounds like you won't though anyway).

I feel your pain man... addiction is a horrible, confusing, degrading thing to go through. But you can do this. :)
 

KratomDemon

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So are you thinking I also dump the last dose I have laying around as well as it won't provide any relief in the short term?

It's been 27 hours since my last kratom dose and 4.5 hours since my pod tea. Sweats are coming and going at this point - got up and aint 2 PB sandwiches along with a glass of water, multi-vitamin and a joint supplement.

In about 3 hours need to go pick my son up from the in-laws. A bit anxious about how tonight is going to go...
 

herbavore

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I know that if my family was made aware of my struggles with addiction that I would be able to get through it easily. It's the fear of their response to it and then finding out that I have effectively lied and stolen from them over such a long time that keeps me from going that route. I try to just think about my 4 year old son and all the fun times we can be having with the money not spent on this addiction and the time spent doing fun stuff with the family instead of spacing out high as a kite day in and day out.
There is a huge opportunity here for you if you can see it that way. Shame is one of the worst weapons addiction has to use against you and it is so effective because you manufacture it yourself! If you can find the strength and courage to face yourself without shame, without judgment--simply saying, "I am here because I made these choices. I made these choices because I felt.....(fill in the blanks)" and then tell yourself that you are moving on from those choices. They didn't work. They took you further away from yourself and all you love. When you can feel this acceptance and compassion for yourself you won't be as terrified to reveal yourself to those that love you. Yes, their reactions may be intense at first. They will be dealing with fear and anger at being betrayed etc. But I think that your honesty and desire to heal as a person and as a father and husband will make you stronger. You don't have to detail every single transgression but letting your wife know what you are dealing with and getting her support would be beneficial now and in the future.You are doing great. Keep going.<3
 

Xorkoth

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So are you thinking I also dump the last dose I have laying around as well as it won't provide any relief in the short term?

It's been 27 hours since my last kratom dose and 4.5 hours since my pod tea. Sweats are coming and going at this point - got up and aint 2 PB sandwiches along with a glass of water, multi-vitamin and a joint supplement.

In about 3 hours need to go pick my son up from the in-laws. A bit anxious about how tonight is going to go...
Yeah I do recommend dumping it. Honestly I'm surprised you feel anything negative after pod tea... it made me feel GREAT and utterly masked the withdrawal... so great in fact that I screwed myself with it afterwards. Then again I used poppy seed tea, in large enough doses to actually get high. It would also mask everything for almost 2 days. But, ultimately it was just holding me back.

It will probably provide short-term relief, however it will draw it out at best, and replace kratom at worst.
 

KratomDemon

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Thanks Herbavore and Xorkoth...

I definitely feel that the shame I feel helps to keep things from spiraling entirely out of control. I have thought several times about how bad things could be if I was single and living alone because I would have nobody else to keep me in check. Whether or not I will come clean to my wife about this is yet to be seen.

I think the sweats I'm feeling are mostly from anxiety from me thinking about what the next few days and nights will be like without using. It is a frightening thought, as any addict can attest to. I am holding onto the last dose of poppy pod for now. I may or may not dump it. I'm also considering taking the rest of the week off to deal with this, which is going to make the return to work hellishly busy when I do go back. The reason I chose to try and come clean this week is because my wife is away on business. She doesn't even know that I am taking vacation right now. Even being home and not working feels terrible because of the lying involved in it.

I so want to be able to live a life free of lies...lying is tiring and hard to keep track of. I think it takes a piece of your soul everytime you do it.... :(
 

KratomDemon

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Checking in...

Picked my son up from in-laws. 3 junior whoppers for dinner. Things still going rather smoothly. 9.5 hours since I had pods and 33 hours since last kratom dose.

I checked and do have a good bit of lope on hand though I admittedly never used it before for withdrawls. Still want to read up more on it.

Just found out today to that my company was sold to a competitor and changes will take affect in 2015. Not too worried right now but will likely be some big changes coming in the future.

The thought of taking that last dose of pods tonight keeps nipping at my brain. Will update later tonight on how it turns out..
 

Xorkoth

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Yeah lying is perhaps the worst part of addiction, because it destroys your loved ones' trust in you. My marriage ended because of it before I could quit (she fell out of love with me because of it and left me), though it's for the best in my case. Also in my case, the first time I told her, she was very sweet and helped me through and I actually did quit for around a year, cold turkey, 2.5 weeks of hell. And then I relapsed and hid it again. And she found out again. And then I relapsed and hid it again, and she found out again. Etc. This cycled for a few years and did so much destruction to our relationship it was unbelievable. Eventually she couldn't believe anything I told her or had ever told her. In reality I just lied to cover up addiction, not about who I was or how I felt about her, but she couldn't know that, so she had absolutely no trust in me whatsoever. It was a horrible thing to go through for both of us and I feel very guilty about it still.
 

KratomDemon

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Yeah lying is perhaps the worst part of addiction, because it destroys your loved ones' trust in you. My marriage ended because of it before I could quit (she fell out of love with me because of it and left me), though it's for the best in my case. Also in my case, the first time I told her, she was very sweet and helped me through and I actually did quit for around a year, cold turkey, 2.5 weeks of hell. And then I relapsed and hid it again. And she found out again. And then I relapsed and hid it again, and she found out again. Etc. This cycled for a few years and did so much destruction to our relationship it was unbelievable. Eventually she couldn't believe anything I told her or had ever told her. In reality I just lied to cover up addiction, not about who I was or how I felt about her, but she couldn't know that, so she had absolutely no trust in me whatsoever. It was a horrible thing to go through for both of us and I feel very guilty about it still.
I would say that the addiction has definitely driven my wife and I apart for sure. Kratom all but destroyed my sex drive. Usually it comes back after a week or two off of it - I just hope that's the case this time. We have lots of issues to work out and need to reinforce some honesty in our relationship....

Son is in bed - feeling pretty good except for the mild hot flashes now and again. I have a feeling I will end up using the rest of my poppy pod tonight and take on tomorrow as the first full on sober day. Considered this day of pod tea as a kind of taper. It's no kratom at least and the pods are gone so there is nothing but reality staring me in the face now...
 

Xorkoth

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I'm sure you'll be fine, glad you don't have more.

I do kind of think you should come clean to your wife about what you've been dealing with, it's likely she either suspects something like that and is upset that you're lying, or that she thinks the lack of sex drive is because you're messing around or some other reason that would be bad. Of course I don't know you or her, but it's highly unlikely she doesn't think something of some sort is up. It's likely she'll ultimately be relieved to hear what it really is, and that you're addressing it.

I had the lack of sex drive too, especially for a while (when we bought our house and I had all that extra stress on top of it). She was convinced I didn't want her and it was because of something else, she was actually relieved (the first time) when I told her what it really was.
 

KratomDemon

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So I ended up splitting the last dose of pods in half last night and took half last night (slept fine) and the other half this morning. I did take off the rest of the week too. So from here on out its time to nip this in the butt and be substance free for a change.

Will update tonight on how the rest of the day goes. My plan is after I get my son to bed to have some kava in my tea (plain black tea) and some valerian and read a good book and hopefully get to sleep without issue.
 

Xorkoth

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Kava and valerian are effective enough that it does provide some relief. Plus there's basically no chance of addiction, I know one guy who got a bit "addicted" to it, mentally (to kava) but it's literally the only case I've ever heard of. But, do be careful not to take too much kava for too long, as it's bad for your liver if you overdo it. When I was trying to quit unsuccessfully for a long period of time, two different times I took kava like 4-5 times a day for a week and a half or so, and by the end of those periods I suddenly fell ill, horrible abdominal pains, fever, etc, I felt very sick and wrong... the first time I didn't know what it was, but fortunately after a day I realized it might be the kava and I stopped and got better very, very quickly, within 8 hours.
 

KratomDemon

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You had also mentioned some lope to use. What is the typical dosage to help with withdrawl symptoms? I have half a bottle of 2 mg pills on hand just in case. Never took before though...
 

Xorkoth

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If you need it, it can be a godsend, but don't use it too often as it itself is an opiate, and can prolong your withdrawal if you're not careful and take it too often. As a rule don't take it every day. I would use 60mg (30 2mg pills), but some people find 20-40mg sufficient. Start lower. I was on poppy tea which is stronger than kratom. It really does take away a LOT of the withdrawal symptoms though. I would dissolve it in water in my mouth and hold it in there for 10 minutes, swishing, and then swallow... it seemed to make it more effective but it could have been placebo and it makes your mouth taste terrible for a long time if you do that.

Also it will constipate you... I used to also take a few stool softeners with it, and sometimes a laxative as well, which would pretty much balance that out. Otherwise you might not go for a couple of days.

Also, if you do take it, it takes 2-3 hours to bring relief. So don't take more, thinking it isn't working.
 
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T. Calderone

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Personally, I would go easy with the loperamide because like Xorkoth pointed out, it will constipate you. If I take two tablets, I cannot have a bowel movement the next day but I have IBS.
 

KratomDemon

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Thanks guys. Gonna keep it on the shelf in case it's absolutely needed. Son is in bed and looking forward to some kava in my tea, some valerian and a good book.

Feeling the most upbeat and happy in months. Could be remnants from this morning's pods but I am optimistic, keeping busy and taking one hour at a time.
 
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