Benzos Horrible benzo wd at 6 months

[CrazyPants]

Where I'm at 6 months after very rapid taper off 1mg ativan, with past cold turkey from .5mg klonopin (total 8 months use) I'm sitting here writing this covered in sweat, not because I'm hot, but because my body just thinks it is, I alternate between this and cold chills. I'm buzzing all over, mostly in my legs. I can barely see the screen, its like looking through uneven glass, all I can really see is the computer screen but there is a strange splotchy blurryness to it that I have only found described on dp/dr websites, everything else is a black type of tunnel vision, its as if my brain can no longer process light and blend it properly. In the dark areas I see all kinds of colored static and strange lights, also if I move my head there are glowing or black shadowy residual images of whatever I am looking at. I see all kinds of sparks, shapes, patterns and flashing whether my eyes are open or closed, when I look at the floor it looks bent up towards me or too close, I feel shorter than I am due to my perspective being warped, also, every thing is slanted to the right, except me, sometimes things flex and warp as I move my head, and others its as if my vision is a handheld video from a camera, this eye stuff is all mostly constant 24/7.
*These images help me to illustrate some of the visuals*
Daily sight, without added disturbances

Static in dark and with eyes closed (not this extreme, but close)

My eyes are heavy and feel dry, yet they aren't dry at all, they water regularly. My face is squeezing, I think others describe this as pressure, but this isn't pressure, it feels like my skin is being sucked into my bone and pulling inward trying to suffocate me, I also get this on my throat, which literally tightens my canal and makes sucking sounds when I breathe, feels like I'm being strangled. I throw up stomach contents into my mouth once every 10 minutes, my throat is raw from being burned with stomach acid so repeatedly every day despite the fact I'm on Prevacid. My stomach is in a constant knot and my stomach and bowels are distended to the point I can't suck in, this is all made 10 times worse by eating or drinking anything.

My entire upper body rocks visibly back and forth and side to side, sometimes in small circles all day, when it gets really bad I feel like I am doing flips or in an earthquake or falling backwards. Laying down is no help, neither is closing my eyes, as my eyes are constantly darting around or doing circles and unable to focus on a single point. My entire left side is a strange kind of numb that is not in sync with my right side, it feels dead, and not my own, my left arm is the worst and most disconcerting (probably because I am left handed) it feels like a useless club, an afterthought, wrongly attached to my body from a donor. All movement is clumsy and shaky, there is no smooth action, its as if I am trying to flop around a limp crash test dummy of a body.

All my muscles shake and twitch uncontrollably at random, sometimes slow and pulsing, sometimes incredibly fast. My joints all pop and crack and ache all day. My left ear rings so loud it hurts my ear as loud sound would, sometimes it changes pitches so rapidly it makes me feel like I am flipping, when this combines with the vertigo I can't find my proper place in my own body its so disorienting. My other ear rings too, but not as loud. There is a pressure and thumping in my ears to and I am sensitive to any sudden or high pitched sound, it hurts to hear and sends an electrical pulse through my entire body that is incredibly uncomfortable.

I have trouble walking, my legs don't feel right, they are rigid and feel useless and uneven. I have all sorts of burning stabbing bruising cramping twisting pulling tingling hot cold stinging ripping electrical sensations all over my body, none of which I have ever felt most of which I can't even properly describe, anywhere, at any time, usually in the morning, but sometimes all day. My brain is mush. I still can't follow tv, I just sit and stare blankly at it, hoping to one day absorb something. My mind is a black hole, I have no recollection of who I was or how it felt to be me, or real. Everything feels so far away, including things in the room with me, the outside world doesn't even exist, I know its there, but I can't even comprehend it. My mind is just a spinning obsessive swirling vortex that is consumes with my condition. Yesterday is a million miles away, and tomorrow, writing this will be as well. I am never present, yet the present is the only time I'm able to hold on to. Some of the things my mind have been doing are unexplainable, as in its so strange I can't describe it even to myself (hard to even explain) I have random memories with no purpose darting in and out all day, mostly from long ago, but they are only flashes, they don't stay in tact (its like trying to remember spotty fuzzy dreams, but my whole mind and memory is like that)

Every day is horrible, waking is the worst. I when I wake up I feel as if I am in a massive electrical storm and am spinning and flipping and falling and my body is rigid and twisted numb and detached, yet painful all over, my mind is out of control and confused spitting all kinds of random thoughts and images at me that are not my own. It is the most horrible feeling I can imagine, especially just coming out of sleep. I look forward to going to bed, as it's my only relief, yet dread the second I wake up. This brain dump is only half of my symptoms, these just happen to be the ones bothering me the most at the moment.

Every day is a living nightmare I spend sitting on the couch clutching a pillow in a strange and totally uncomfortable tense malfunctioning body. No part of me has been spared, mind, body or soul. Just typing this has sapped all my energy and brain power for the day. This all feels so permanent, there are no fluctuations, no ebb or flow, not a single thing has changed, new things have cropped up, but I can't think of anything that has stopped aside from the 6 months of daily repeated soul spilling sobbing attacks that started after reinstatement.

According to medicine, I am perfectly healthy (which I am grateful for, although I can't enjoy it) I never even had a twinge of any of this my entire life, I was a thrill seeker, no anxiety, so physical issues, not a single care. I originally took benzos for no reason at all for a couple months, I had no idea this was even possible. I used to be a social, outward, creative, physically strong person. Now I can barely walk to the bathroom and haven't left my house in a year and a half.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that this is what is truly wrong with me and trying to trust that I can heal. Every single day I want to pour drugs down my throat to make it stop, yet somehow every day I haven't for five months now. I went into this with nothing left in my strength from my last CT, now I am so weary the slightest breeze might knock me over. I'm hoping it gets to a tolerable point soon. I don't expect to be healed, but I need some hope and relief.

Sorry this is so long, I've been a prisoner in my own mind for so long now, I barely speak anymore, I miss my friends, I miss just casually sitting on the couch, or surfing the web, or watching a documentary, or going outside and actually FEELING the world without it all feeling strange, or off or, separate.

Thanks for reading, I would appreciate any replies from those that can relate, and even moreso from those that can relate and have gotten some degree better from at where I was. Providing timelines would be helpful too, I know we are all individual, but even just for my own personal hope, hearing that it got a little better at 6 months etc...helps me push forward.

 

[Mad Dash]

Dude, you need to get to the ER. That rapid taper did not work for you. You are going to need to do a longer taper than that. Please get some assistance soon because what you are describing might put you in seizure territory.

edit: wait... I am confused... this is how you are feeling after being off it for 6 months? What kind of doses were you taking? This is some really serious PAWS if that is the case.

 

[speedballs_over]

I'd almost never write this but I believe this may be true: You need to go back on a benzo and do a much longer taper. And get assessed for neurological disorders that may have been triggered by your too fast taper.

Seek help ASAFP. You need a prescribed benzo or other GABA stabilizing drug, asap. But I am NOT a physician, this is just a decently educated OPINION. Seek medical care as I wrote: As Soon As Fucking Possible. Not to be mean, to be stern - get help today!

 

[CosmicG]

Everything you are describing are symptoms people feel when they are in danger of having a stroke or seizure.

I have to go with Mad Dash on this one man, you need to go see a doctor.

You can't just stop taking benzos the withdraw symptoms could last months to years, and you could do permanent damage to your body and brain.

Please get help.

 

[Mad Dash]

Everything you are describing are symptoms people feel when they are in danger of having a stroke or seizure.

I have to go with Mad Dash on this one man, you need to go see a doctor.

You can't just stop taking benzos the withdraw symptoms could last months to years, and you could do permanent damage to your body and brain.

Please get help.

Especially if it was a super high dose of clonaz and then you did a quick taper with a short acting benzo like lorazepam... this is not normal for 6 months. You need to get check out...

 

[CrazyPants]

Everything you are describing are symptoms people feel when they are in danger of having a stroke or seizure.

I have to go with Mad Dash on this one man, you need to go see a doctor.

You can't just stop taking benzos the withdraw symptoms could last months to years, and you could do permanent damage to your body and brain.

Please get help.

I'm not having a stroke or a seizure...I'm like this every day and have been for over 6 months, even on benzos.

I was on a pretty low dose .5mg klonopin for 8 months total.

Unfortunately this condition is pretty common for people that are predisposed to it and is known as benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome.

Going back on benzos is not an option, the kindling phenomenon is very real.

 

[CrazyPants]

I'd almost never write this but I believe this may be true: You need to go back on a benzo and do a much longer taper. And get assessed for neurological disorders that may have been triggered by your too fast taper.

Seek help ASAFP. You need a prescribed benzo or other GABA stabilizing drug, asap. But I am NOT a physician, this is just a decently educated OPINION. Seek medical care as I wrote: As Soon As Fucking Possible. Not to be mean, to be stern - get help today!

I've seen every type of doctor possible and had many tests done....There is nothing wrong with me....I've had brain scans, emg's, bloodwork, everything....All clear.

 

[CrypticArc]

Maybe it could be a combination of factors, is there anything else that you can think of that may be contributing?

 

[CrazyPants]

Maybe it could be a combination of factors, is there anything else that you can think of that may be contributing?

I used to be a really bad heroin and cocaine addict, also used mdma weekly in the past for about 6 months, but that was all over 16 months ago, I've been clean from everything except benzos since then and have been clean from benzos for 6 months now....When I quit the other shit, I wasn't like this. It has to be the benzos. I am a member on another forum dedicated to this and I have all the symptoms associated with benzo wd....I just wanted to come here and find some others who had this or similar experiences.

 

[speedballs_over]

Edit - noting to add.

 

[CrazyPants]

Edit - noting to add.

I'm just curious as to what you think reinstating benzos would achieve? Any damage that has been done is done, benzos aren't going to somehow reverse that.....They may alleviate some of my symptoms, but in the end I would just have to withdrawal all over again and be subject to possible further kindling of my system. Plus, I already reinstated once, it made me insane and gave me the most inescapable black suicidal depression. It certainly didn't work the way it did before. I'm not trying to be a dick or shoot down your ideas, but I have a doctor and have seen many other specialists in all fields to rule out everything. I am in no danger, just suffering. From what I understand this will all resolve itself, it's just going to take time and no more drugs.

 

[Screaming_Skull]

Damn, all that from 1mg of ativan, the a 0.5 klonopin taper?! I felt like shit for a while when I had to start going to my Sub doc every month again, instead of every 3 months...but mine was just REALLY BAD deppersion and rebound anxiety out the ying yang, wanting to die...I'm sure I will experience it again since I never stopped them really, just had to quit what I was doing all the sudden, which was alot of xanax/klonopin/occasional valium. Still the same thing except mostly xanax now since I have 7/8 people to get if from..prefer the klonopin because they don't wear off sooo quick. Anyway, I would go to a doctor...

 

[Fig]

6 months after a rapid taper from 1mg lorazepam is PAWS central. What you are describing, if it were a direct withdrawl symptom, would have been happening while the too-rapid taper was happening and then after you took your last dose for a matter of weeks while your body continued to be directly in the throes of active withdrawl. At 6 month you are way past the point where your BZD receptors are actively in WD.

Have you taken any other substances or medications? Do you drink alcohol? Lets say, for instance, that someone in your position who had a mild benzo habit (like 1mg lorazepam) tapered off but then drank every day thereafter. That could definitely draw out the WD because ETOH and bzd's are GABAergic and act on the same parts of the brain.

Otherwise, if there isn't likely some other medical condition precipitating these daily effect (as suggested upthread) then it's likely you are someone who has a wicked propensity for the worst of PAWS. While that may be a psychiatric emergency it is not a medical one, like danger of seizure etc.

Should you go back on benzos? Not in my opinion. While they would surely relieve your symptoms you would be back behind square 1 in no time flat and facing an even worse problem. You have made it 6 months. Talk to your doctor about your symptoms and see if they can prescribe some non-habit forming medications to chill your body out.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

You gotta weigh up the pros and cons of living like this as opposed to being back on a benzo, the RIGHT benzo (taken as prescribed). Sounds like you have no quality of life. Life is too short for that. At 6 months with no improvement I'd be skeptical that anything is gonna change, just being realistic here.

 

[LadyMizzy]

\ At 6 months with no improvement I'd be skeptical that anything is gonna change, just being realistic here.

Has your current physician ever seen anybody else with this kind of long, drawn-out withdrawal from benzos who actually got better? If not, I tend to agree with the above statement. It would be better to be addicted to a relatively innocuous substance (ask your current doctor what that might be) than to continue to go through this horrific withdrawal for God only knows how much longer.

Of course, if this STARTED during your addiction (as opposed to during your withdrawal), then that's a whole different ball of wax.

I feel for you.

 

[blazequietly]

Ive come off benzos a few times. (and ive been on extremely high does 2mg of kpin a day plus whatever extra benzos i get my hands on usually about 15 xanny bars and 10 mg of k pin a month). I experienced symtpoms similar to yours but they only lasted 3-4 weeks. I remember really poor coordination and really bad anxiety like I was having an all day panic attack. You shouldnt be feeling that way after six months. I'd start looking into other possibilities, such as a brain tumor.

 

[CrazyPants]

6 months after a rapid taper from 1mg lorazepam is PAWS central. What you are describing, if it were a direct withdrawl symptom, would have been happening while the too-rapid taper was happening and then after you took your last dose for a matter of weeks while your body continued to be directly in the throes of active withdrawl. At 6 month you are way past the point where your BZD receptors are actively in WD.

Have you taken any other substances or medications? Do you drink alcohol? Lets say, for instance, that someone in your position who had a mild benzo habit (like 1mg lorazepam) tapered off but then drank every day thereafter. That could definitely draw out the WD because ETOH and bzd's are GABAergic and act on the same parts of the brain.

Otherwise, if there isn't likely some other medical condition precipitating these daily effect (as suggested upthread) then it's likely you are someone who has a wicked propensity for the worst of PAWS. While that may be a psychiatric emergency it is not a medical one, like danger of seizure etc.

Should you go back on benzos? Not in my opinion. While they would surely relieve your symptoms you would be back behind square 1 in no time flat and facing an even worse problem. You have made it 6 months. Talk to your doctor about your symptoms and see if they can prescribe some non-habit forming medications to chill your body out.

No I have quit all substances, including caffeine and nicotine over 10 months ago....Through all my reading I have learned that there is a very real protracted withdrawal syndrome for some people who use benzos, even if it was fairly short term or low dose...Some are just predisposed to this...I was a hardcore addict of other drugs for years...Believe me, I would have told you that you were crazy for suggesting this could happen, but it is a very real thing. I am a member of another forum where all the members are suffering this, and while the medical community is not yet caught up, they are becoming more and more aware of the dangers of these drugs. Most of what I have read about those unfortunate enough to be afflicted with this is that it can take anywhere from 6-24 months for the body and brain to heal. It is also important to note that repeated use on and off of benzos seems to increase the risk of this happening. Here is an excerpt from a pubmed article on the subject. I can provide much more info for anyone who is interested. Your advice to avoid all Gaba drugs is smart, and I plan to reassess at a year, and probably wait til 2 years to see where I am at....

Here is the article from PubMed "[h=3]Abstract[/h]The benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome is a complex phenomenon which presents serious difficulties in definition and measurement. It is particularly difficult to set out precise limits on its duration. Many withdrawal symptoms are a result of pharmacodynamic tolerance to benzodiazepines, some mechanisms for which are discussed. Such tolerance develops unevenly in different brain systems and may be slow to reverse. Withdrawal symptoms occurring in the first week after cessation of drug use tend to merge with more persistent symptoms that may last for many months. These prolonged symptoms do not necessarily constitute "true" pharmacological withdrawal symptoms, but are nevertheless related to long-term benzodiazepine use. Such symptoms can include anxiety, which may partly result from a learning deficit imposed by the drugs, and a variety of sensory and motor neurological symptoms. The protracted nature of some of these symptoms raises the possibility that benzodiazepines can give rise not only to slowly reversible functional changes in the central nervous system, but may also occasionally cause structural neuronal damage."

 

[CrazyPants]

Has your current physician ever seen anybody else with this kind of long, drawn-out withdrawal from benzos who actually got better? If not, I tend to agree with the above statement. It would be better to be addicted to a relatively innocuous substance (ask your current doctor what that might be) than to continue to go through this horrific withdrawal for God only knows how much longer.

Of course, if this STARTED during your addiction (as opposed to during your withdrawal), then that's a whole different ball of wax.

I feel for you.

I've had a couple physicians and neurologists who knew exactly what was going on that told me I will make a full recovery, just that it will take time....Benzos are nasty little drugs. I used to think they were pretty harmless, I was wrong. Be careful everyone.

 

[CrazyPants]

Ive come off benzos a few times. (and ive been on extremely high does 2mg of kpin a day plus whatever extra benzos i get my hands on usually about 15 xanny bars and 10 mg of k pin a month). I experienced symtpoms similar to yours but they only lasted 3-4 weeks. I remember really poor coordination and really bad anxiety like I was having an all day panic attack. You shouldnt be feeling that way after six months. I'd start looking into other possibilities, such as a brain tumor.

No brain tumor lol....I've had a cat scan and TWO MRI's....My brain is beautiful.

 

[CrazyPants]

You gotta weigh up the pros and cons of living like this as opposed to being back on a benzo, the RIGHT benzo (taken as prescribed). Sounds like you have no quality of life. Life is too short for that. At 6 months with no improvement I'd be skeptical that anything is gonna change, just being realistic here.

Benzos aren't meant to be taken for life, they destroy your brain and cause dementia....They are dangerous drugs that are way overprescribed, more and more doctors are becoming aware of this. I used to live that life is too short yolo life....Then this shit happened....You know what, life isn't short, its long as fuck, and if staying away from drugs is what is going to get me outta this, I'll wait as long as it takes to get myself back. Drugs got me into this, they for damn sure aint gonna get me out.