I hadn't journaled since elementary school, suddenly while on effexor (soon after, pristiq) I had the urge to write out my thoughts and feelings. I still have the papers somewhere, it's terrifying. It was getting more manic/outrageous day by day and about a week later, I attempted my first suicide.
Ok, took a break from typing to find those papers. I'll share a couple excerpts from them but wow I'm uncomfortable just looking back at this shit.. I was enraged every day with thoughts of violence (not just towards myself but others) vividly running through my mind. It made me cry one day in bed I was sobbing because I knew something awful was headed my way and I was trapped.
FROM THAT JOURNAL--- "Please get this fucking Sinister soundtrack out of my fucking head for fucks sake, i cant stop listening to it and hearing it loop in my head. 'Family Hanging out '11', it's making my thoughts go to darker and angrier places. But im also loving it and obsessed at the same time. These thoughts are me at my core. The part of me nobody sees. So much self hate but narcissism at the same time, how does that even make sense? I fucking hate so many things about myself but I cant tell if that's even close to my hate towards everyone and everything else. Wheres my motivation? Wheres my patience? Im losing more of myself each day and im genuinely afraid i wont get it back this time. one wrong thing and something horrific is gonna happen, i know it."
**hours pass**
"If I don't pass this class and my _____ job offer gets retracted, i think im gonna run away somewhere to cali, utah, nevada, colorado and just kill myself. Ive had it play in my head countless times. I have the $ for the clonazolam and oxy. im thinking like 40mg of clonazolam and a few oxy's that are inevitably pressed with fent. And to top it all off just to ensure respiratory failure, probably several grams of phenibut and some gabapentin with 80 proof vodka. Somewhere with lots of trees in bumfuck nowhere so my body can never be found. Fuck, i want music though, cant bring my phone. oh well i'd figure it out.."
**a couple days pass**
"Took my meds about 90 min ago, im having violent thoughts about breaking things, destroying things. People dont take me seriously, never in my whole fucking life has anybody ever taken me seriously. I feel like i have to do something crazy just to get their fucking attention and let them know to take me seriously.. when will it happen?? I fell like a ticking time bomb here. Goddammit i dont have anymore fucking pens".
A week later was my last journal entry mentioning that I had acquired acid, bars, molly, etc and was trapping again. One part reads "I fear I may relapse tonight, I have no self control."
That night and into the morning, I managed to take around 17 clonazolam bars, 5 grams of phenibut, and 3 grams of gabapentin. I woke up to paramedics surrounding my room because my roommates had called 911. Thank goodness they did. SNRI's nearly ended me by making me go manic.