149 days sober today.
No drugs. No alcohol.
Not even a pain killer.
The first week was brutal. I didn't sleep. I had paranoid thoughts, very strong suicidal ideation, extreme depression, anxiety through the roof. I also had recurring auditory hallucinations. My entire body was covered with sweat.
There are so many reasons to relapse. So many excuses available to me. I'm smart (and stupid) enough to trick myself into failing. The devil on my right shoulder is stronger than the angel on my left.
I learnt not to trust myself, but it's maddening. Not trusting yourself means you have to consent to schizophrenia. You need to split yourself into two people. You have this voice - that isn't you - telling you things... and you have to ignore it all the time.
When the devil is in control for long enough, my angel has no voice. It is easy to ignore. Trying to ignore the devil, on the other hand, is like being a vegan shark.
At around the 3 month mark, I wasn't sure I could keep going any longer. I stopped posting on this forum because reading about drugs made it more and more difficult to move on. There was one post in particular where a young guy posted a video of himself smoking meth. That night, after watching him get high, I had an intense dream about getting back on the crystal.
Then, something unexpected happened.
Around the 4 month mark, I noticed that I wasn't looking over my shoulder waiting for a relapse to catch up with me. I lost track of the number of weeks I'd been sober. For perhaps the first time in my adult life, sobriety started becoming normal. I found myself growing accustomed to a life without drugs.
I don't intend to be sober forever. I miss getting high, but there isn't an emptiness waiting to be filled anymore. The need is gone.
Something I've come to realize is: drugs shouldn't be something you have to do. When you need them, they own you. When you can't live without them, you aren't free. You are a slave to chemistry.
Change is possible. The future is not dictated by the past. We imprison ourselves for security. We convince ourselves we cannot change - we cannot quit - because we are afraid of life without drugs.
I don't want a life without drugs, but I don't want to be afraid either.
Drugs can liberate people from the prison of society, but they can also imprison us if we aren't careful. Food can be a crutch. Television can be a crutch. So can drugs. Everything has the potential to imprison.
For the first time ever, I can see that moderation is not just a necessary evil. Tolerance exists for a reason. My body tells me - in more ways than one - when I've had enough. I've never listened to it.
Addicts are gluttons.
If you look at an obese person and you wonder how they could let themselves go like that, consider the invisible weight you bear and the silent damage you are doing to yourself.
When you recognise obsessive behaviour in others, like people binge watching TV all day, ask yourself if they bear any resemblance to your reflection.
Ask yourself if you are a prisoner.
If so: remember, only you have the key.
