Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[stardust10]

It is a pain and it makes me really anxious lol. Tbh with you @chinup my eating hasn't been great but I have been making the effort to eat something throughout the day especially since I've been trying to excercise more and lose weight, even if it's just some fruit, then I'll make myself a small dinner fresh or at least have a tin of soup and some bread. And yeah they know as I reported having pins and needles to my GP so they got my bloods done, thanks for asking. I'm taking folic acid tablets for 3 months and hopefully get some normal BP readings this week at home.

Also hope you're ok!

 

[birdup]

I'm so tired of withdrawals and dependence.

 

[dragonix]

Just came across this I should not continue to blame America for my problems lol even if I want to move to another country hah. Addiction is a societal crisis a lot of corruption and toxicity if you ask me. Oh well I should worry about the battle being waged in my own heart using substances only disempowers me today only remedy I can see are two AA meetings here today whether my ego wants to go or not will be stoned though had a bad relapse again last night chronic relapsing more booze than I would have planned on in my right mind due to a rod of ppx I soaked and squeezed for no good reason was on autopilot the addiction gravitates towards the nearest fix of preferred alteration

Hope to spend more time working on stuff than rambling madly toodles

 

[tired of crap]

So perhaps its against my better judgement but Im going to stop nicotine tomorrow. As Ill run out of vape juice tonight.

If Im tbh I think its really effecting my energy levels. And Im so dependent Im vaping multiple hits numerous times an hour, at home anyways... and Im using 12mg, though suppose its better than the 50 i started at at the beginning of the year.

Gotta visit my family tomorrow and I dont vape around them.
Gonna dose some edibles. Then trip when I get home.
Hoping if I can make it through the weekend with a nice glow on for Monday Ill have a decent start on quitting this too

 

[Jabberwocky]

@iTry91 please please try and make sure you eat a bit more than that. to me disordered eating is just another way to avoid facing up to issues, cos it gives you something else to focus on. i get when you're desperate to lose weight if you're finding it easy to eat so little its hard to convince yourself to take more food but restricting your intake that low is not going to help your body when it needs to heal from the alcohol use.

good luck @tired of crap - quitting smoking was a hellride for me. are you gonna use patches?

i'm fucking tired. woke up at 5 am and the baby cat was squeaking so i couldn't get back to sleep. night before the burglar alarm kept going off, we don't set it cos of the cats. someone came to disconnect it yesterday. really needed to catch up on sleep but no such luck.

getting increasingly anxious about all this lung function testing i'm having. convincing myself there is something really wrong cos i am not fitting into the simple and obvious diagnosis.

 

[Jabberwocky]

feel really disoriented. i was looking forward to getting back to physical NA in the town i've just moved to cos its where i was going when i was staying with my parents and i always felt much more community and fellowship here.

but its all changed. like none of the meetings are in the same places and stuff. have messaged someone i know from the fellowship here to get some advice about what the meetings are like so hopefully there'll be one where i definitely know people because i can't start again.

 

[dragonix]

feel really disoriented. i was looking forward to getting back to physical NA in the town i've just moved to cos its where i was going when i was staying with my parents and i always felt much more community and fellowship here.

but its all changed. like none of the meetings are in the same places and stuff. have messaged someone i know from the fellowship here to get some advice about what the meetings are like so hopefully there'll be one where i definitely know people because i can't start again.

Try to keep your chin up speaking of which doing some at work helps me keep mine up or why do em lol.

I browsed the NA meeting list here this morning being a poly addict not just drunkard I feel obliged to attend I know many poly addicts who also identify as alcoholic solely use AA I am assuming due to one hour vs 90min meeting and I have to assume AA is likely twice the size more popular more accessible that is why I plan on finding a home group and sponsor in AA I know one person in it here right now but I refuse to accept their home group the only meeting they still smoke in here despite liking it but people call their methods militant and zealot the majority don't ever go back haha anyways about NA there are a fraction of the meetings here than AA or I might go regularly not once in a blue moon plus one hour seems more inviting

 

[dragonix]

I guess I will say it here I felt more sane and healthy going cold turkey off nicotine and all kinds of thc this morning then had to get both afraid of withdrawaling and having to work again this week at a job I love to hate and be wasted all the time at thank God I just told my Mom today I ain't going back next year (it ends right before Xmas for the winter thank God but I cursed him vilely just earlier battling myself whether to use the last five bucks on a pre roll or two gallons of safe spring water (modern age and faucet water is risky unless you wealthy enough to not use the public tap what?!) Could not resist the preroll caused bad anxiety when it kicked in regretted it calming down now in a hammock inside for the winter

 

[Jabberwocky]

@dragonix - i way prefer NA. it doesn't surprise me that AA is more prevalent. i don't care about the meeting times. saving time on recovery activities sounds like a false economy to me.

i found AA more militant and i just couldn't stand the level of hypocrisy. they'd say they never took drugs cos that was illegal then laugh about drunk driving. like at least me breaking the law didn't endanger innocent lives.

i seem to have more in common with NA crowds though, more complete degenerates in my flavour.

 

[stardust10]

@chinup cheers. I had a kebab after a nice walk tonight lol so if I can tackle a routine for cooking and stuff and continue to eat fruit and somE healthy nibbles for during the say I'll be okay I think. But I think you're right, and it's good to be aware of this. Haven't checked the BP for two days as I've been anxious as anything about it (plus was taking stuff that can fuck about with bp recently) but gonna start it properly tomorrow as I know it's important and won't go away by itself.
How u getting on, hows your chest and lungs?

Re: AA couldn't stick it tbh but to each their own

I have been struggling to stay sober but am dead set on relapsing on something else if I absolutely have to escape for a bit cause at least that way my chances of becoming psychologically/physically dependant again are slimmer so long as I don't make too much of a habit of the new escape method. And that's just a back up plan anyway which gives me some security that my only emergency option isn't the shop across the road.
Basically it's not going great ATM and it's all down to my mental health (and crippling loneliness - I want to meet someone nice tbh) which I'll have to deal with somehow sober. I just know if I have one night of drinking it won't be long untill it creeps back up and I'm ill again.
Keep on fighting everyone

 

[dragonix]

Thinking I have to go to a meeting daily is starting to eat at my sanity but wait like I was sane to begin with and I have a better solution why have I not changed yet?

So my hopeless desperation and fear of further pain and loss is driving me to try going daily despite being too tired tonight.

I don't think they fix people it ain't for everyone my ex-sponsor did say to me at a carnival he kindly invited me to with his AA buddies that he isn't the fixer he must mean God is as that is his higher power kind of sensed it without him saying who the fixer is.

I need to learn tolerance so they can put God on me all they want. Certainly I'm not at all trusting of my own power let alone His or Her's why not or lack thereof some people from my past kinda confused me spiritually if not traumatized my young psyche but what am I doing wit intoxicants far worse duh

Do they help many? Yes I cannot deny that some might even be fixed better than they could have imagined.

I guess from what I feel I don't like to think I have to be involved with one of their programs lifelong which is their primary purpose?

Surely not even exploring the spiritual benefits derived in large part from being involved with a spiritual fellowship I reckon the psychosocial benefits are phenomenal.

Sry to rant like this I am broken to pieces within. Torn. Distraught. Hope died a long time ago now it is just not wanting more needless pain and misery driving me forward.

So when I loosen up my bias after thinking more I think they fix a portion of folks

 

[birdup]

2nd day this week with no weed. Apparently, I put my stash in a time-lock box last night when I was fucked up. I got home from work ready to roll up a nice big spliff only to realize I decided yesterday that's not going to happen.

Now, I want to kill everyone.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Surely not even exploring the spiritual benefits derived in large part from being involved with a spiritual fellowship I reckon the psychosocial benefits are phenomenal.

for sure.

Sry to rant like this I am broken to pieces within. Torn. Distraught. Hope died a long time ago now it is just not wanting more needless pain and misery driving me forward.

there is hope. there is always hope. even when you're struggling and see no way out.

i have had several times when i fully expected to die of my mental illnesses and didn't see the point in trying. i had no hope, it seemed pointless. but apparently i was wrong, cos i'm still here and things got better.

@iTry91 and @birdup sorry you guys are struggling too.

i've decided drastic action is needed re drinking. i'm so fed up. i can easily go a couple of nights without but inevitably end up bingeing, and then more and more. just in august i did really well when i'd decided to stop. for a bit.

so, i'm going back to meetings big time. who cares if they've moved and there's new people. i'm going to every physical meeting i can until i have some good time of sobriety time under my belt.

i am so fed up of not being the person i want to be and its alcohol that is getting in the way.

 

[Blankenstein]

for sure.

there is hope. there is always hope. even when you're struggling and see no way out.

i have had several times when i fully expected to die of my mental illnesses and didn't see the point in trying. i had no hope, it seemed pointless. but apparently i was wrong, cos i'm still here and things got better.

@iTry91 and @birdup sorry you guys are struggling too.

i've decided drastic action is needed re drinking. i'm so fed up. i can easily go a couple of nights without but inevitably end up bingeing, and then more and more. just in august i did really well when i'd decided to stop. for a bit.

so, i'm going back to meetings big time. who cares if they've moved and there's new people. i'm going to every physical meeting i can until i have some good time of sobriety time under my belt.

i am so fed up of not being the person i want to be and its alcohol that is getting in the way.

Good work on recognising the problem and taking action. All info is recognise a problem, complain, the years pass and i get depressed even more because things haven’t changed. Due to my inaction.

i admire people who can make decisions and take action.

 

[Blankenstein]

@chinup cheers. I had a kebab after a nice walk tonight lol so if I can tackle a routine for cooking and stuff and continue to eat fruit and somE healthy nibbles for during the say I'll be okay I think. But I think you're right, and it's good to be aware of this. Haven't checked the BP for two days as I've been anxious as anything about it (plus was taking stuff that can fuck about with bp recently) but gonna start it properly tomorrow as I know it's important and won't go away by itself.
How u getting on, hows your chest and lungs?

Re: AA couldn't stick it tbh but to each their own

I have been struggling to stay sober but am dead set on relapsing on something else if I absolutely have to escape for a bit cause at least that way my chances of becoming psychologically/physically dependant again are slimmer so long as I don't make too much of a habit of the new escape method. And that's just a back up plan anyway which gives me some security that my only emergency option isn't the shop across the road.
Basically it's not going great ATM and it's all down to my mental health (and crippling loneliness - I want to meet someone nice tbh) which I'll have to deal with somehow sober. I just know if I have one night of drinking it won't be long untill it creeps back up and I'm ill again.
Keep on fighting everyone

I often wonder if I’m depressed because I use or use because I’m depressed. I think it’s a bit of both.

sorry to hear you are feeling lonely and depressed. I can relate. You aren’t alone. Hope you feel better man.

 

[Blankenstein]

@Blankenstein so sorry you're having such a hard time. absolutely do get professional help. if nothing changes, nothing changes. so you need to do something differently.

Yeh I nearly came clean to my mum
About wanting to go to treatment. I don’t think she will be surprised. We’ve had a few discussions about addiction considering my dad being in a nursing home from complications of his alcoholism. One step closer. Thanks for your input appreciate it.

 

[birdup]

Two days sober this week. Two (or three) days next week. Then four. I'm taking my time with this one. I can't afford to fuck it up.

@iTry91 and @birdup sorry you guys are struggling too.

Looking around here, I can see that my problems in context. It's a bit embarrassing to be struggling considering it's only weed/benzos and I'm not doing IV any more... but I am struggling. More so - I think - than when I was a junky.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I often wonder if I’m depressed because I use or use because I’m depressed. I think it’s a bit of both.

once you've been using for a long time its definitely both. but at some point you felt shitty enough for using drugs in this way to seem like it was worth the risk.

Yeh I nearly came clean to my mum
About wanting to go to treatment. I don’t think she will be surprised. We’ve had a few discussions about addiction considering my dad being in a nursing home from complications of his alcoholism. One step closer. Thanks for your input appreciate it.

she'll probably know. just do it. the longer you put it off, the longer you will be stuck like this.

Two days sober this week. Two (or three) days next week. Then four. I'm taking my time with this one. I can't afford to fuck it up.



Looking around here, I can see that my problems in context. It's a bit embarrassing to be struggling considering it's only weed/benzos and I'm not doing IV any more... but I am struggling. More so - I think - than when I was a junky.

well done! don't be embarassed. everyone's struggles are real.

i get thinking it was easier when you were a junkie, cos in a way it was for me. as in, i wasn't fighting, i was just giving in. and i didn't have things like a job or people expecting literally anything of me. but it was boring, lonely, there was no hope, there was always a massive stress of getting money or getting robbed or being sold bunk. i couldn't enjoy myself and couldn't see how life could ever be any better.

i'm enjoying not being horrendously hungover. really tired though despite sleeping well. was really looking forward to NA this morning but now i feel like i cba and just wanna stay home and get drunk.. but i will go. i got shit to do tomorrow and being hungover will just make it painful.

 

[stardust10]

I just wanna get fucked up. Ahhhh.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I just wanna get fucked up. Ahhhh.

me too. its friday night. i've finished work. its fucking on me.

i am going to this meeting though.

pretty nervous. it'll be my first meeting full stop in like 6 months at least, and my first in person meeting since the first lockdown. i'm a bit worried cos they usually bring people from rehab on friday's if its still how it was, and i rate people who've just landed in rehab and people who are still using as the most likely to have and therefore give me covid. which i don't want. but i'm not talking myself out of this. just not gonna do hugs, sit in the corner, not touch anyone, keep my mask on.